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Original poster

CAN THIS BE IT…

131 replies

Lightbulbmomen · 02/06/2022 07:47

Morning All -

I am looking for advice- I’ve been with my partner nine years and two children together- yesterday we had a pretty intense “discussion” surrounding money. All through our relationship I’ve contributed a lot more as I earn more then he does - so for bringing the children out @ weekends or paying for there own party’s ( which I can tend to spend a lot) but I start organising and purchase stuff well into 7/8 months in advance. Just because I earn more then he does - buy I’ve a lot more debt also than him. which some has come from him Anyway yesterday it came to a head he has been made redundant & came away with just over £7k. He paid off his debt & other bits - which came to roughly £3k. Which is all fantastic. I am coming into money & asked him to”lend” me £1k until mine came in and this would also allow me to clear some of my debt. THREE TIMES over 3 separate days I had to ask or bring up the topic again. To which he said I don’t think you’ll pay it back so I don’t want to give it to you🤯🤯🤯 Now bit of background- he lost his job 4 years ago and I got into said debt because we still had bills that needed paying until he got a job sorted I took out new CC etc to keep a rough over our heads and food etc on the table .

my other gripe is when comes to children needing ANYTHING ( 6&3 years old) 85 % I purchased it. I bring them on solo holidays back home at least 2 times per year as he doesn’t want to go so I pay for all
expenses. Even when I said when I bring children away you don’t even give them a money ( £20 etc) as spending money etc he. Reply so every time you go away with them I’ve to give money !

again to put into context… we would be out at restaurant and again 85 % I would pay for our two children and he would pay for himself.

answer I would get is you wanted to go here I was happy to wait until we got home … I even talking about McD or KFC here not the Ivy .
So AITA for now saying that’s it- when the home needs anything I will not be paying for it as all again is purchased by me ..
that I know want new clothing £50 spent each month on the children or whatever they may need he needs to contribute better to the upbringing financially for the children.
in all other ways he is there and present- he does the school runs /house work /dinners for the children etc but I can’t be the only putting my hand in my pocket ? CAN I

OP posts:
Octomore · 02/06/2022 09:36

And it's pretty clear how the OP ended up with the debt. She's a spender.

A holiday here, a party there, then a takeaway.... It adds up fast!

yesthatisdrizzle · 02/06/2022 09:38

Lightbulbmomen · 02/06/2022 08:48

Thank you to all that replied ! Extremely appreciate the feedback and the extra insight . And to the poster of giving me his point off view 💡without these threads I would have gone mad as you don’t want to talk to family about stuff like this as you don’t want them judging

There is no shame in telling your family that your partner has just been made redundant, and because of that you are going to have to cut back on everything for a while.

You don't have to tell them all your money troubles.

fruitbrewhaha · 02/06/2022 09:39

Stop spending money when you're in debt. He needs to get a job asap. The job market is hot right now he will get something.

If after paying half of everything he is out of cash then why is he having to pay for his own meal when you go out?

It sounds like you are both rubbish with money, you need to change they way you spend.

FloweryCurtainTwitcher · 02/06/2022 09:40

If you are on a DMP then you should not be accruing more debt

If you are on a DMP then he shouldn't have any joint accounts with you.

It takes years and years of overspending to get to a DMP situation. It doesnt just happen overnight or in the 3 years since you had children.

How did you get a new credit card on an DMP? Lying?

2022again · 02/06/2022 09:41

have you both thought about going to a debt management or budgeting charity to get support over your family finances...and i say FAMILY because if you live together and have children together then doesn't it need to work for you all as a unit? how would you cope if one of you fell ill and couldn't work, how are you both going to fund your retirement, what if your kids want to go to uni? finances can be a huge cause of couples splitting up and it doesn't sound healthy at the moment...whether you choose to have separate/joint/both accounts it doesn't matter if you are able to have healthy and productive discussions and work out what is needed as a team.

Beaucoup · 02/06/2022 09:49

If someone on a DMP is interpreting enough of their income as “disposable” on holidays and parties - I wouldn’t trust that person with £1 of mine.

DetectiveReflective784 · 02/06/2022 09:53

Things to focus on

He applies for contributions based job seekers allowance/universal credit while he is unemployed if you are in UK via www.gov.uk

All debt is cleared

You both stop over spending

Aprilx · 02/06/2022 09:56

I don’t agree with his approach to money, but I can’t say he is wrong and you are right, because you seem to have a similar mindset to him. In that neither of you are attempting to work as a team and neither of you appear to see money as joint family money. You have children together, it should just be family money.

That aside, you do seem to be irresponsible with money and living beyond your means if you are getting into debt over children’s parties. I think that a couple with children should be sharing their money, but possibly he needs to be the one who is doing the majority of the managing of finances in view of your overspending habits.

Emotionalsupportviper · 02/06/2022 10:08

If he has accrued part of your debt, then he should pay that off.

And as for the rest - if he doesn't his way, make him.

From now on he can buy his own food (not just in restaurants and anything else he needs including petrol.

I'd suggest you cut back on your own spending just until you get onto an even keel again.

I don't mean to be rude but it sounds a most extraordinary set up the two of you have - which is fine if it works, but it doesn't seem to be at the moment

caringcarer · 02/06/2022 10:10

I would be crushed if my dh would not lend me £1k to pay off debt if he knew I had some money due to come in but he said he did not trust me to pay it back. Without trust for me there would be no marriage. It sounds unhealthy for you both to do your own thing with money. Both seem resentful. What you should do is sit down together and plan out a joint budget and both stock to it.

Gazelda · 02/06/2022 10:15

What's the overall size of your debt?

slashlover · 02/06/2022 10:19

From now on he can buy his own food (not just in restaurants and anything else he needs including petrol.

But he pays 50/50 on food for the house.

TabithaTittlemouse · 02/06/2022 10:22

If he gives you money now while he is out of work he will likely end up in more debt and you will both be back where you started.

You both sound bad with money.

Tigerblue · 02/06/2022 10:24

We agreed to put everything in one pot when we met - even when we were just a couple we pulled together and everything was joint. It's always worked, we trust eachother than to be too extravagant if we're buying anything (we have enough but need to be careful). Over the years it'll be swings and roundabouts, I had more money behind me when we met, DH has earnt far more than me over the years and he inherited about £50k a few years ago which he paid the mortgage off with. I could potentially inherit +£400k in the next ten years, which will be used to buy a better joint home, a nice joint holiday, some for DD and joint savings.

Ownedbymycats · 02/06/2022 10:29

Your comment about men needing to be seen as providers in terms of their ego is interesting and I think you need to explore these attitudes.Are you enabling him to not pay for his family but gain kudos for doing so.
The trips to Ireland are obviously free family trips so are obviously well priced.If your family provide a free holiday it's ridiculous that he can't give them spending money.

MindYourHeadDoggy · 02/06/2022 10:32

He’s right though, you’re not trustworthy with money.

I would love to hear his take on it. Sounds like he’s contributing 50% towards the running of the household, but is refusing to get involved in frivolous spends like parties and holidays. Good on him.

Testina · 02/06/2022 10:33

caringcarer · 02/06/2022 10:10

I would be crushed if my dh would not lend me £1k to pay off debt if he knew I had some money due to come in but he said he did not trust me to pay it back. Without trust for me there would be no marriage. It sounds unhealthy for you both to do your own thing with money. Both seem resentful. What you should do is sit down together and plan out a joint budget and both stock to it.

I agree about lack of trust.
I just have the feeling here though that the boyfriend is right not to trust OP.

“I am coming into money & asked him to”lend” me £1k until mine came in and this would also allow me to clear some of my debt.”

I would like to know what’s really going on with this statement.
OP is on a DMP - which means she doesn’t need £1K short term.
And frankly, she’s shown no inclination to over pay on the DMP before.
So why now?
And if she’s “coming into money” then why not just wait? I get that paying the £1K now would mean a saving on interest. But, someone who continues to spend on multiple holidays a year and frequent takeaways whilst on a DMP doesn’t strike me as someone who is going to make a sensible decision to save a few pounds in interest.

I’m going to take a punt that this debt OP is talking about is above her DMP. In which case, faced with no job, no way would I be handing over 25% of the last £4K of my redundancy to her 🤷🏻‍♀️

lameasahorse · 02/06/2022 10:36

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

watcherintherye · 02/06/2022 10:37

Is this commonplace, now? Long term partners with children still having separate finances 9 years in?

Testina · 02/06/2022 10:42

In fact, reading that back again after posting:

“I am coming into money & asked him to”lend” me £1k until mine came in and this would also allow me to clear some of my debt.”

I’ve bolded the word “also”. So that means OP wants his redundancy money off him to clear some debt as well as… something else? What? Another trip to Ireland? Some more birthday party tat? Some more KFC? Another set of scatter cushions?

I think the devil is very much in the detail here, and we don’t have that detail.

Meem321 · 02/06/2022 10:44

Ownedbymycats · 02/06/2022 10:29

Your comment about men needing to be seen as providers in terms of their ego is interesting and I think you need to explore these attitudes.Are you enabling him to not pay for his family but gain kudos for doing so.
The trips to Ireland are obviously free family trips so are obviously well priced.If your family provide a free holiday it's ridiculous that he can't give them spending money.

Not sure they're free family trips; she said she's paying about £500 for them which is ridiculous when on a DMP. If OP is in so much debt, perhaps family could come to her and save her £1k a year

whatodowhattodo · 02/06/2022 10:44

Not a weird set up if it works for you both but it doesn’t seem to.

Overall, it sounds like you have different views about what to spend money on/how much. Perhaps you could somehow find a compromise that includes things that are important to each of you, together and individually, and agree a fair way to pay for it eg contribution relative to income (when he has a new job).

It’s hard to say if him not handing over the £1k is fair, and I don’t know about DMPs. Expressing to him your understanding of his perspective could help you come up with a plan…Could you have compared the loan with how much you pay in your discussion with him, in which case him thinking that you would want to keep the money is (more) understandable, as that would probably be fair based on how much you’ve spent compared to him. Presumably he thinks that the spending was too much on things that weren’t important? Your position is x debt and x payment needed for x period. Now, what does he suggest?

DetectiveReflective784 · 02/06/2022 10:48

I think that you should both sit down & look at this

Monthly
Money coming in
Essential bills that must be paid Eg electric, gas, water, council tax, utilities, transport, food, phones
Debts that must be paid
Is there anything that can be cut out ?
Can you change any bills to a cheaper deal ?
If there is any money left over, what is this spent on ?
Can you sell anything?

girlmom21 · 02/06/2022 10:51

Testina · 02/06/2022 10:42

In fact, reading that back again after posting:

“I am coming into money & asked him to”lend” me £1k until mine came in and this would also allow me to clear some of my debt.”

I’ve bolded the word “also”. So that means OP wants his redundancy money off him to clear some debt as well as… something else? What? Another trip to Ireland? Some more birthday party tat? Some more KFC? Another set of scatter cushions?

I think the devil is very much in the detail here, and we don’t have that detail.

She means it'd clear her debt as well as his

MyFieldOfFucksIsBarren · 02/06/2022 10:52

14 years in and we still have separate finances. My ex controlled money and I much prefer an individual set up which my now dp understands. Which ever of us earns more pays for more, it was him, I now earn significantly more so pay for most things, it works for us. If either of us feel something isn't fair, we discuss it and reach a solution that works for both of us.