CAN THIS BE IT…

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Morning All -

I am looking for advice- I’ve been with my partner nine years and two children together- yesterday we had a pretty intense “discussion” surrounding money. All through our relationship I’ve contributed a lot more as I earn more then he does - so for bringing the children out @ weekends or paying for there own party’s ( which I can tend to spend a lot) but I start organising and purchase stuff well into 7/8 months in advance. Just because I earn more then he does - buy I’ve a lot more debt also than him. which some has come from him Anyway yesterday it came to a head he has been made redundant & came away with just over £7k. He paid off his debt & other bits - which came to roughly £3k. Which is all fantastic. I am coming into money & asked him to”lend” me £1k until mine came in and this would also allow me to clear some of my debt. THREE TIMES over 3 separate days I had to ask or bring up the topic again. To which he said I don’t think you’ll pay it back so I don’t want to give it to you🤯🤯🤯 Now bit of background- he lost his job 4 years ago and I got into said debt because we still had bills that needed paying until he got a job sorted I took out new CC etc to keep a rough over our heads and food etc on the table .

my other gripe is when comes to children needing ANYTHING ( 6&3 years old) 85 % I purchased it. I bring them on solo holidays back home at least 2 times per year as he doesn’t want to go so I pay for all
expenses. Even when I said when I bring children away you don’t even give them a money ( £20 etc) as spending money etc he. Reply so every time you go away with them I’ve to give money !

again to put into context… we would be out at restaurant and again 85 % I would pay for our two children and he would pay for himself.

answer I would get is you wanted to go here I was happy to wait until we got home … I even talking about McD or KFC here not the Ivy .
So AITA for now saying that’s it- when the home needs anything I will not be paying for it as all again is purchased by me ..
that I know want new clothing £50 spent each month on the children or whatever they may need he needs to contribute better to the upbringing financially for the children.
in all other ways he is there and present- he does the school runs /house work /dinners for the children etc but I can’t be the only putting my hand in my pocket ? CAN I

I've been with my husband over 30 years, we have a son , we've never had joint finances or joint accounts.

You got into debt and onto a DMP because he was unemployed, correct? This isn’t exclusively your debt. This is debt you got into because he was out of work. I can therefore understand why you would expect him to clear your debts.

Please ensure he continues to pay his 50% contribution despite being out of work. He has the money atm.

Perhaps you spend too much when you have debt but it doesn’t sound as if he could care about this at all and sees you as an atm.

Would you be better off financially on your own?

There should be no lending. If you are a family unit, it should be together. If you earn more you should pay more. That is the way it is, why bother making a partnership otherwise. Because this is an issue for you, he probably doesn't feel great after losing his job and is hoarding what money he does have, because his future is uncertain. His future is uncertain because you both don't share money. So YABU. Look at some of the above posts specifically @Tigerblue

@lameasahorse “This is what I hate about MN. People rush to judgement when there are simply not enough facts here to do so.“

I think it’s reasonable for people to share their different possibly interpretations though.

Otherwise this thread would simply end with the first to reply saying, “please post more detail so we can opine.”

OP has been back to the thread but chosen not to fill in the blanks.

It’s actually some I like rather than hate about MN - there are alternative interpretations shared. Nobody’s claiming to know for a fact what is happening here - but multiple posters (including you with your 22K/18K and 50K/18K example) are giving other posters food for thought.

He is a tight fucker who expects you to subsidise his children whilst he pays just for himself.
He is ok with you getting into debt for him but not help pay off your debt when he can.
Have a serious chat with him. If things don't change, you know what you have to do.
Just to add you might want to reduce unnecessary spending thoughbut I get you want your children not to want for anything.

Hes redundant so until he gets a job he shouldnt be contributing

my debt is already on DMP

I'm sorry, but that swings me right from YANBU to YABU.

Your spending pattern and attitudes are totally alien (and bananas) to me. For goodness sakes stop giving huge parties and going on holidays if you are in debt😱. Try eating at home till it’s done and stop giving a 3 and 6 year old TWENTY POUNDS for trips!!! Pay off your debt as fast as you can and help your husband cope with job hunting and redundancy.

I'm on his side I'm afraid. You can't afford these holidays or the parties where you admit 'I spend a lot'. Or the McD's or the Greggs or the KFC.
I tend to do things on the cheap. If my DH wants an expensive holiday, I can not go. If he can afford to pay for me, fine. If not, we can do a cheaper thing, or he can go to hell. Lol
You're the one spending 50 a month on clothes for the children? Jesus.

Get a grip woman!

The OP says that she has taken out a new credit card since being on a DMP.
A DMP is planned to be affordable if you budget. It doesnt typically allow much for holidays, parties , meals out other than as an exception
The money being spent on theses things is probably what is causing further debt.

I think that sometimes, if you've grown up poor, you want your children to not be the 'poor' kid at school or whatever so I do understand you wanting them to have nice things and to have days out and treats out. But you have to cut your cloth to meet your measure. The 4k that he has left, is possibly his cushion in the event that he doesn't get a job for a while. While it would be wise, to pay off your debt, I'm not sure that I would trust you with money either.

Crazy that it’s even a ‘lending’ situation between a couple. I mean, yes, it’s his redundancy money but for me and DH, that would be counted as family money. It seems you two have very different outlooks financially and this isn’t good for the future I’m afraid.

Butlin's in bloody expensive too! We went on day trips as children and I always wanted to stay over for the night life lol (at 7!).

It's hard, but I think that things are going to get tighter for the next 8 years possibly, so you're going to have to try to stomach reality i.e. that you can not afford some things.
Btw - if you're going home to Ireland - have you considered the train/ferry? It's my preferred mode of travel lol. I presume you stay with family over there?

Are you near a train service to Holyhead or wherever goes to Rosslare? Or drive! Cheaper still! And buy a great big tupperware box and a flask and off ye go!

Don't take the ferry in Winter though. Sailings are frequently cancelled if it's the sea-cat.

Works for us. Luckily we both have similar outlooks regarding money and although we have separate accounts we will never see each other struggle or go without.

Who will be covering your partner's 50% of bills when he's not working?
If you're expecting him to still pay out of his redundancy money, then I'm not sure paying another £1K off debt - when this is covered by a DMP anyway, is a sensible use of the money.

@DamnUserName21 he pays for 50% of all bills despite being the lower earner, how does that translate to being a tightwad who only pays for himself? They are both in lots of debt, he sounds like the sensible one who doesn't want to spend lots of money on holidays and parties. The OP sounds financially irresponsible, particularly in taking out further credit when already on a debt management plan.

“You got into debt and onto a DMP because he was unemployed, correct? This isn’t exclusively your debt. This is debt you got into because he was out of work. I can therefore understand why you would expect him to clear your debts.“

@Mummyoflittledragon There’s just not enough detail from OP. She said that some of the debt in her name was from the period of his unemployment and taking out a credit card then.

It rather depends what “some” means. It would be unusual to end up with a DMP for a couple of months of day to day living debt going onto a credit card. But that extra debt on top of not paying existing debts during that period could have led to the DMP. And that previous unemployment was 4 years ago.

Imagine the DMP was £8K of her debt + £2K of his unemployment period (not frivolous).

Now imagine he’s being paying 50% of their bills and food for 4 years despite earning less. Has he not already contributed back?

Of course I’m writing fiction as much as the next person here 😀

OP has a different attitude to money than me though - and her boyfriend.
In my mind, you don’t give a 3yo £20 spending money for their at least second holiday of the year. Maybe £10 to the 6yo and say, “see you both and mammy get an ice cream”.

OP has a different attitude to money than me though - and her boyfriend.
In my mind, you don’t give a 3yo £20 spending money for their at least second holiday of the year. Maybe £10 to the 6yo and say, “see you both and mammy get an ice cream”.

I agree - it sounds as though DP is more focused on paying off the debt, and OP is more focused in enjoying the moment. Their children are young and will be perfectly happy with charity shop clothes, a party at home with a few friends and homemade sandwiches, and days out being a trip to a nearby park with a picnic - OP is spending a lot she really doesn't need to, and I do agree with her DP that this should therefore be on her, if they have separate finances.

I suspect that she, as the bigger earner, is the one who benefits from split finances?

Say I'm on 40k and my DH is on 100k.
He wants to bring the children to Italy twice a year to visit his family. I know, that I can not afford that! So, he goes, and brings our two dc. I stay at home.
Is that really fair?
He's not a cocklodger. He pays half of all bills. It's the frivolous days out, or eating out, or trips abroad, that he can't afford. So he either extends himself to that, or he puts his foot down and says 'we cannot afford this as a family', or she goes and brings the children and then bemoans his non-contribution to HER decision.

I'm pretty sure that he is contributing significantly. It's unfortunate that he has been made redundant and perhaps when he gets back working, then he will feel secure enough to give the OP the 1k she requires towards her/his/HER/NOT HIS debts.

I'm pretty sure that the OP takes unilateral decisions about spending. He can't afford it! But she goes anyway. Good deal if you can get it!

@Testina
I based my comment on this in the op: he lost his job 4 years ago and I got into said debt because we still had bills that needed paying until he got a job sorted I took out a new CC to keep a rough over our heads and food etc on the table. I know op said some of the debt is his and I am imagining that any debt (if any at all) she had was manageable up until that point. But it is unclear.

I do agree with you on giving a 3 yo £20 spending money as it isn’t possible for a child this age or even a 6 yo to properly budget. Not to mention £20 is quite a lot if on a budget. When dd was little, she had a holiday treat or toy rather than money.

I cannot imagine for one minute op is on anything like 40k let alone 100k. She’s on a debt management plan. It would be ludicrous for your dh in this situation not to pay for you. A couple on 140k wouldn’t be putting money aside monthly, every month to budget for parties, presents and holidays. It sounds as if op can’t Rather than won’t pay for him.