CAN THIS BE IT…

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Morning All -

I am looking for advice- I’ve been with my partner nine years and two children together- yesterday we had a pretty intense “discussion” surrounding money. All through our relationship I’ve contributed a lot more as I earn more then he does - so for bringing the children out @ weekends or paying for there own party’s ( which I can tend to spend a lot) but I start organising and purchase stuff well into 7/8 months in advance. Just because I earn more then he does - buy I’ve a lot more debt also than him. which some has come from him Anyway yesterday it came to a head he has been made redundant & came away with just over £7k. He paid off his debt & other bits - which came to roughly £3k. Which is all fantastic. I am coming into money & asked him to”lend” me £1k until mine came in and this would also allow me to clear some of my debt. THREE TIMES over 3 separate days I had to ask or bring up the topic again. To which he said I don’t think you’ll pay it back so I don’t want to give it to you🤯🤯🤯 Now bit of background- he lost his job 4 years ago and I got into said debt because we still had bills that needed paying until he got a job sorted I took out new CC etc to keep a rough over our heads and food etc on the table .

my other gripe is when comes to children needing ANYTHING ( 6&3 years old) 85 % I purchased it. I bring them on solo holidays back home at least 2 times per year as he doesn’t want to go so I pay for all
expenses. Even when I said when I bring children away you don’t even give them a money ( £20 etc) as spending money etc he. Reply so every time you go away with them I’ve to give money !

again to put into context… we would be out at restaurant and again 85 % I would pay for our two children and he would pay for himself.

answer I would get is you wanted to go here I was happy to wait until we got home … I even talking about McD or KFC here not the Ivy .
So AITA for now saying that’s it- when the home needs anything I will not be paying for it as all again is purchased by me ..
that I know want new clothing £50 spent each month on the children or whatever they may need he needs to contribute better to the upbringing financially for the children.
in all other ways he is there and present- he does the school runs /house work /dinners for the children etc but I can’t be the only putting my hand in my pocket ? CAN I

He had a FT job for years … and only just been made redundant . Always worked FT /permanent employment. The £3k that has gone already - was partially a debt he had ( Argos card & CC remaining was general bills that would have needed to be laid each month anyway I.e rent /CT/ other utilities.

I don't understand why you are eating out, buying new clothes, decorating and spending loads on birthday parties when you don't have the money.

You are on a DMP and so you already have a history of getting into unmanageable debt.

Thank you to all that replied ! Extremely appreciate the feedback and the extra insight . And to the poster of giving me his point off view 💡without these threads I would have gone mad as you don’t want to talk to family about stuff like this as you don’t want them judging

When I met exh he was working. When he realised how well I managed he quit. . Tbf he did have a minor op but dragged out getting another job.... As in years... I paid for everything, even when we had his dc over. He got a job and suddenly it was all his money. Absolutely begrudged helping out our household..
When I saw his bank statements I actually ended our marriage...
You are being a mug op.

This. Your marriage is utterly weird, you are not even attempting to be a team. Why on earth did you have chidren with this man.

Really weird set up

So you go to kfc and he pays for his own meal?

sorry but that is not normal. If you are married / in a ltr then all money should be joint, including debts unless one of you had a gambling problem etc.

He definitely needs to contribute to essential kid spending or ideas he suggests or participates in. That includes some Xmas/birthday expenses. Dont let him get away with that.
Id also be pursuing payback for the debts of his last redundancy. Not just a loan now. An actual contribution.

Niw you’ve seen the red flag, don’t let him get away with it any longer! Make sure it’s fair if expenses are fair and essential. The kids do need some spending on!

Society is not your issue

He is a tight areshole, you shouldn't be in debt to pay for him

if you are on a dmp then you were overspending long before you had children.

I will admit I have struggled to follow your posts. It’s all rather chaotic and jumbled to me, but I think I’m correct in saying you have been going on holidays more than once a year, you are eating out regularly and having lavish parties- but have a debt management plan?

You’ve all got quite significant problems here.

When he is working - all bills are 50/50 like everything down to food shop .

This changes my opinion. You're the higher earner so you have more disposable income so you should be paying for more of the 'fun' stuff.

I also don't think he should have to contribute to holidays he's not going on if you have separate finances.

If he needs that money to tide him over for a while I'd probably be reluctant to give it to somebody on a DMP too. Not that that's solely your fault, but it'd just be pissing money up the wall.

Yes this sounds like a really odd way to design a family unit - paying separately at meals out is not really normal.

If I were you I’d have a joint account as well as individual accounts. You’d both transfer the bulk of your income into the joint account (so you’d pay more but it would be family money) and that would pay for all family expenditure and you’d use that for eating out as a family, holidaying as a family, all good shopping, bills, anything the children need. You’d both have a smaller income for spending on yourself and servicing debts etc.

You paying so much for parties is on you though. I don’t think you can hold this against him.

I will say - at the start of our living together I earned DH and he out earned me post children and I now don’t earn. There was never any concept of my money and his money or holding it over someone that they don’t contribute so much financially. Obviously it sounds like you do need some his / hers money though as your relationship has money issues.

I don't get the "my money/my debt, his money/his debt" thing, particularly as you have children.

In court it would all be joint assets and liabilities anyway so the sooner you start thinking like that, the better it will be for family life.

This sounds plausible. One thing that is apparent is that the OP is flippant about debt. The priority should be paying off debt, not children's parties. And I would personally knock takeaways and meals out on the head in order to clear the debt that arose when he was last out of work.

At the same time, he should be paying a fair contribution towards the costs of his children. However, we don't know what the earnings discrepancy is... maybe he is paying a fair share based on their respective earnings? We don't know.

Exactly
post the op as a man and see what responses you get to you making the lower earner pay half, you being unhappy to pay for extras etc…

i cant believe you have a dmp and your posts are making you sound so frivolous with money

This isn't a partnership. The two of you have DC, but you're living like two individuals with his money, your money, his debt, your debt. I couldn't live like that and his tightfistedness is seriously unsexy. No way would I have had kids with such a tightwad.

OP we keep most of our finances separate but have a joint account for bills/food shop/meals out. I wouldnt put all my earnings in a joint account. I buy most of the stuff for DC out of my account. I know DH will consider it unnecessary and so if its my money there is no need to have that conversation. I know I spend too much. He wouldn't even complain if it came out of the joint but i would feel bad. I have no other debts but joint mortgage though so that's the main difference here. I infer from what you have written that you have difficulty managing money with a DMP and as such that may be his concern about giving you part of his redundancy payment. Tbh I think he is within his rights to say no. As I said though we have separate finances and as such I feel no entitlement to my DHs money and he feels none towards mine.

This

9 years and 2 kids seems like a pretty committed relationship to me. Why are your finances so separate? There's varying views on money but you are clearly a family unit so how do you manage family finances?

Taking the facts we know, I actually think the OP is the unreasonable one here. She is clearly an overspender, and I wouldn't trust her with money either.

• Dhe's on a DMP, but spends on unnecessary things like parties, holidays and takeaways. It doesn't matter that each item is cheap - it adds up!
• Her DP clearly tells her not to do this, and he's right that they could save money by eating at home etc.
• She is the higher earner, but they split all essential spending 50/50, so she should have more disposable income. (Which could be used to pay down debts, but this doesn't appear to have happened?)
• When he got his redundancy, the first thing he did was clear his debt, not splurge on non-essentials. Financial security is worth more to the children than a party and he appears to understand this.

Both of you are getting into debt - both have responsibly to sort yourselves out!

You need a frank and honest discussion where the money is going and what on.

Kids don’t need big parties or the best of everything - They are quite happy down the park or playing with friends.

He needs to contribute an amount for Christmas and birthday that aren’t over the top - set an agreed budget and stick to it.

So... your money is his money and his money is his money?

Maybe you do spend too much on stuff. But if you've been the higher earner for years and have paid for more of the family costs than him, how come you're the one who's ended up with more debt than him?

Something isn't right here.

He s the lower earner, but all essential costs are split 50/50. Not sure how you'd get from that to him being a sponger.