CAN THIS BE IT…

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Morning All -

I am looking for advice- I’ve been with my partner nine years and two children together- yesterday we had a pretty intense “discussion” surrounding money. All through our relationship I’ve contributed a lot more as I earn more then he does - so for bringing the children out @ weekends or paying for there own party’s ( which I can tend to spend a lot) but I start organising and purchase stuff well into 7/8 months in advance. Just because I earn more then he does - buy I’ve a lot more debt also than him. which some has come from him Anyway yesterday it came to a head he has been made redundant & came away with just over £7k. He paid off his debt & other bits - which came to roughly £3k. Which is all fantastic. I am coming into money & asked him to”lend” me £1k until mine came in and this would also allow me to clear some of my debt. THREE TIMES over 3 separate days I had to ask or bring up the topic again. To which he said I don’t think you’ll pay it back so I don’t want to give it to you🤯🤯🤯 Now bit of background- he lost his job 4 years ago and I got into said debt because we still had bills that needed paying until he got a job sorted I took out new CC etc to keep a rough over our heads and food etc on the table .

my other gripe is when comes to children needing ANYTHING ( 6&3 years old) 85 % I purchased it. I bring them on solo holidays back home at least 2 times per year as he doesn’t want to go so I pay for all
expenses. Even when I said when I bring children away you don’t even give them a money ( £20 etc) as spending money etc he. Reply so every time you go away with them I’ve to give money !

again to put into context… we would be out at restaurant and again 85 % I would pay for our two children and he would pay for himself.

answer I would get is you wanted to go here I was happy to wait until we got home … I even talking about McD or KFC here not the Ivy .
So AITA for now saying that’s it- when the home needs anything I will not be paying for it as all again is purchased by me ..
that I know want new clothing £50 spent each month on the children or whatever they may need he needs to contribute better to the upbringing financially for the children.
in all other ways he is there and present- he does the school runs /house work /dinners for the children etc but I can’t be the only putting my hand in my pocket ? CAN I

OP I sympathise with you for finding your DH’s behaviour difficult, but from your own description of your spending, you’re living beyond your means. Children’s parties which take 7-8m planning? When the rest of us are on a budget we do something low key with a few friends: pizza and a DVD at home. Holidays and holiday activities, weekend entertainment? How much of this is essential vs nice to have? When I’m budgeting I take the kids to the park and the library, and don’t eat out.

It sounds as if op can’t Rather than won’t pay for him.

But in most families, if you can only afford to pay for 1 adult, then you don't go, or go on a cheaper holiday, or go longer between holidays. You don't go on a holiday and leave the other person behind. (Of course there are exceptions - for example, it would be perfectly normal for 1 person to visit their side of the family with just the DC).

Is this commonplace, now? Long term partners with children still having separate finances 9 years in?

Married over 20 years and separate finances - works for us.

This.
I think you are getting a lot of flak for getting into debt but the original post said
he lost his job 4 years ago and I got into debt because we still had bills ...until he got a job sorted I took out new CC etc to keep a roof over our heads and food etc on the table
This has somehow become your debt, but it was a family debt incurred when you were all struggling. It wasn't unreasonable to ask him to contribute to some of that debt whilst he was clearing debt.
Maybe you do have some issues with budget management, but the two "holidays" a year seem to be traveling costs to visit your family back in Ireland, rather than beach trips. Clothing for growing kids is also necessary. But maybe there are some economies you could make.
There is not much room for maneuver whilst he's job hunting but you need to have a much fairer plan and it sounds like it will be up to you to insist on it.
This is a great site to explore how you can improve your budgeting, and trim some existing debts. Spreadsheet it all and then you have your clear facts to present to him so that it's clear where your money is going and who is providing it. Then you have a proper basis for discussion.
www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/debt-help-plan
Good luck

You need a joint account

They really don’t

We have separate finances and have been together 20+ years plus kids. You don’t have to have joint accounts to still make it work.

However, we discuss money openly and work on a family budget for the year and break it down to monthly/weekly so we can jointly decide about bigger expenditure such as holidays, cars etc.

It’s impossible to tell from your posts if you are good with money or a bit carefree, but presumably if you sit down together and work out your annual budget costs, your financial situation will become clear to both of you and you can have an honest open conversation about financial matters going forward.

I’ve contributed a lot more as I earn more then he does

Just because I earn more then he does - buy I’ve a lot more debt also than him. which some has come from him

he lost his job 4 years ago and I got into said debt because we still had bills that needed paying until he got a job sorted I took out new CC etc to keep a rough over our heads and food etc on the table

my other gripe is when comes to children needing ANYTHING ( 6&3 years old) 85 % I purchased it. I bring them on solo holidays back home at least 2 times per year as he doesn’t want to go so I pay for all expenses

in all other ways he is there and present- he does the school runs /house work /dinners for the children etc

I personally couldn't live with this level of resentment/debt from propping up my partner's inability to hold down a job. The man has caused you to be in debt fgs!

I think you have to do a hard calculation as to whether having someone to do the school run/some housework and dinners and provide companionship is worth how much this man costs you. Its not as if when the tables are turned he is willing to help you out.

I can see what he gets out of it, but what do you get out of this relationship? 9 years together and you aren't even married, so at least if you end it he won't be entitled to any of your salary or pension.

“propping up my partner's inability to hold down a job.“

That’s a bit of a reach! They’ve been together 9 years and she says he’s always worked full time permanent jobs. This being his second redundancy in turbulent economic times hardly equates to an inability to hold down a job 🤣

What’s a DMP??

The part where the OP says she got into debt the first time he was made redundant and looking for a job to pay the bills and put food on the table, and then the DP using his entire redundancy payment to pay off his own debts...doesn't really sound like an equal, mutually supportive partnership to me.

None of that (some of which isn't true - he hasn't used his whole redundancy payment to pay off his own debt - some he's going to use to pay bills while he looks for a job) demonstrates his inability to hold down a job.
And actually 7k is a really good pay off for a job he's been in for less than 4 years.

Good point! With that kind of earning and negotiating power, it makes far more financial sense for the OP to kick him out and get him to pay child maintenance instead. Or share care 50:50.

“The part where the OP says she got into debt the first time he was made redundant and looking for a job to pay the bills and put food on the table, and then the DP using his entire redundancy payment to pay off his own debts...doesn't really sound like an equal, mutually supportive partnership to me.”

What entire redundancy was that then? Less than half of it, £3K from £7K and all used for a sensible purpose. Arguably not the fairest (who knows, as OP didn’t share details) but certainly sensible: debt and current bills.

Whereas OP wanted to borrow £1K from him to put towards debt as well as an unspecified something else. Not so sensible.

I’m in full agreement with you on it not being a good partnership.

I doubt she’d be better off financially without him though. He’s paying half of all their bills and food currently. I don’t see that maintenance (nothing if 50/50) or UC (if eligible) would equal that. He does also pay for some of the extras - just OP says she pays for a lot more of them. Which see fair as higher earner.

So why is it sensible to pay off his debts but not sensible to pay off the OP's debts?

Given that the OP is still in debt from his first redundancy/job loss, I would have expected a reasonably supportive partner to have applied some of his 7k current redundancy payment into paying some of those earlier debts off. But this man won't even lend her 1k, because he doesn't trust her to pay it off.

Now imagine if the OP around the time of the first time job loss had tallied up everything and said OK, you're not paying your fair share, so I'm going to lend you what you would have been paying and which I'm having to get into debt to make up, and you pay it back to me?

Wouldn't that be a lot fairer?

This man is quite happy for his partner to get into debt when he is short but he won't help her out when she is short due to helping him out in the past. I just don't see what she is getting out of it tbh. I mean some school runs and some housework but is that really worth putting up with this level of meanness in a partner and his looking out for himself so much? Sounds soul destroying.

The whole thread is about this man protecting his money and not buying stuff for the house he lives in or clothes for his own children or paying for them to have meals out (I mean god forbid his children should do nice things).

The man is clearly out for himself.

Perhaps he believes you have every intention of repaying him but it will be impossible? Is he concerned about how you’re going to cope financially as a family without him working? Is he worried he won’t find work soon? Does he think the household expenditure is too high even though you feel you’re going for cheaper options? The rate of inflation and energy price hike is scaring alot people now. It’s going to be worse in the autumn.

It’s nice to have treats out and make good memories with your family but if your expenditure is exceed img the household earnings then it will create more problems for you all. Maybe it’s good to have another chat with him and look at your current finances?

“So why is it sensible to pay off his debts but not sensible to pay off the OP's debts?

Given that the OP is still in debt from his first redundancy/job loss, I would have expected a reasonably supportive partner to have applied some of his 7k current redundancy payment into paying some of those earlier debts off. But this man won't even lend her 1k, because he doesn't trust her to pay it off.”

We’re going off scant information from OP.
I didn’t say it was more sensible to pay off his debt, or that it wouldn’t be sensible to pay off OP’s.

Just that he is making a sensible decision, not pissing away the redundancy on an Xbox!

The most sensible thing to do would have been to make a joint decision on what to pay. As OP is in a DMP, the best purely financial decision might well have been his debt.

We don’t know that OP is still in debt from his earlier job loss - but to me (and again, based scant info) I don’t think she is.

The debt from that period is only some of the debt, she says. It doesn’t sound like a prolonged period from his previous job loss. Sounds like she already had debt and that period stopped her servicing that and together all the debt ended up as a DMP. For all we know, there was £4K of her debt, £1K from his job loss and he’s more than paid towards that £1K by paying 50% of bills as the lower earner for 4 years. She’s clearly not that bothered about clearing the debt given that she’s running at least 2 holidays a year alongside the repayments.

I don’t think either of them are working in a partnership here, or have bothered to address their different attitudes to money - before having two children.

But the OP’s original issue came down to anger at him not trusting her to pay back the £1K. I can see why he wouldn’t.

Basically what's yours is his and what's his is his. You're handy to have around, but he isn't a team player so you'll lose out in the end.

@AchatAVendre “The man is clearly out for himself.”

I’m not going to disagree with that!

I think there’s multiple things going on here, and no surprise it’s not black and white!

I expect that he isn’t contributing enough to the “extras” pot. But I also expect that OP is wanting too many extras.

Put simply, he ought to put his hand in his pocket for KFC for the kids once a month, but not a couple of times a week when there are debts to be paid on both sides.

Granted, but he also needs to be paying to clothe his own children.

I mean, maybe he does want his children to grow up looking scruffy with clothes that don't fit, not going on holiday, not having treats, etc but it seems that its very convenient for him that the OP is around to make up the shortfall.

He sounds like a dick.

I'd like to know the differential in incomes before latest redundancy.
OP does seem to be bearing the brunt of the children's costs, debt and leisure activities/eating out/holidays, overspending or not.

I don’t know, friend will spend ££££ buying kids clothes when primark is fine for summer clothes - £££ more spent of the best trainers, best laptops and biggest parties for birthdays, £80 on a cake for a group of 4 year olds -

OP does sound like she’s living beyond both their means.

“Granted, but he also needs to be paying to clothe his own children.

I mean, maybe he does want his children to grow up looking scruffy with clothes that don't fit, not going on holiday, not having treats, etc but it seems that its very convenient for him that the OP is around to make up the shortfall”

Almost every MNer on here with a partner will be have a relatively higher and lower earner though, and I bet the lower earning ones here would bristle at the idea that their higher earning partner is “convenient” for them!

I’ll totally do a U turn if OP comes back and says he’s on £20K and she’s on £22K! But if there is a notable differential (and if it was minimal, wouldn’t she have said?) and he’s paying 50/50 bills and food, why wouldn’t she pay for the kids’ clothes?

I’m willing to bet that she’s got around £150 a month of CB coming in towards those extras and that’s coming to her, not him. At 6 and 3, that covers clothes and Greggs!