DP and his smelly friend

[ThatSmellIsntMeHonest]

DP and I have a shared hobby, and we drive an hour each way every Saturday to take part in it. We started dating as lockdown eased and I’d stay with him on weekends when it was allowed and we would travel in together. I never knew about the friend. Once mask rules were relaxed, DP said his friend, Jim, would be coming back to join us for the hobby. Jim drives but doesn’t have a car and lives a fair way away and so he gets the train, DP collects him from the station. Then we drive another 45 minutes- then the same in reverse in the evening. This has always been their arrangement and it only stopped because of Covid (friend refused to wear a mask so couldn’t travel by train).

The first time we collected Jim from the station, Jim went to get in the back, but DP indicated to him to get in the front and Jim asked if he was sure, DP said yes (not mentioned this to me before!) and so he got in the front and I got in the back. I quickly realised that Jim smells. Badly. A mix of body odour, urine and… damp? I’m not sure but it’s really quite horrific. DP claimed he couldn’t smell it at first but would always open a window (even on freezing cold days) as soon as Jim got in the car! DP now admits that Jim is “starting to smell a bit”. The smell is getting worse. It’s so strong I can smell it in the car for days afterwards.

A few times recently when we’ve gone to go out on a Sunday (we now live together), I’ve noticed the smell is still pretty bad in the car. It never occurred to me how it must’ve been in the fabric of the chair, etc. it just smells. Once after a day out I thought I could smell a similar, but not as strong, smell on my own clothes as I put them in the wash, but I decided I must be imagining it. Fast forward to this Sunday and we went to hell a friend move and after a while she asked what the smell was. I wasn’t sure what she meant and she said there was a strange smell. Eventually after sniffing her kitchen cupboards etc she clearly realised it was coming from me and asked if everything was alright. We’re very close and I asked her what it smelt of! She said she wasn’t sure but she was certain I had an… odour. Then it dawned on me. I took her to the car which had been closed in the warmth for a couple of hours by now and when we opened then door she said “that, you smell of that!” I told her everything. I was mortified. We went home and I washed my clothes and then washed them again, and took a long hot shower. I could smell it on my jeans. I don’t think he actually messed the seat (it was dry!) but I think somehow the smell is… seeping into the fabric? I’ve just gone to check the car (we haven’t used it since) and it still smells faintly.

I’m really at a loss of what to do! It’s the front passenger seat so I travel in it several times a week (I don’t drive). I’m wondering how many other people have thought I smell vaguely of BO and urine 🤢 This has been going on for months. My DP doesn’t see a problem and quite honestly would probably think it was funny if he knew what had happened on Sunday (I was too annoyed to tell him and have him laugh and find it funny). All I can think of is I start travelling in the back whenever we go out together (which will look and feel very weird, it’s also not the most comfortable of cars and I have back problems). I’m sure DP will be annoyed at this and say I’m over exaggerating, nagging, being difficult etc (and it would be pretty weird when we are the only ones in the car) but I don’t want to smell of someone else’s pee!

We are due to go out in a couple of hours and I’m dreading sitting in the car. It isn’t just the seat that worries me now, it’s the headrest, the belt. Since my friend said I smelt I’m paranoid and I don’t want to sit in a cinema smelling for 2 hours! I’m fully aware people have much bigger problems than this but what can I do that won’t cause issues with DP but also won’t make me feel uncomfortable whenever we go out in his car?

My ex's late father smelt too and you could definitely smell it on the sofa. So I started putting blankets over the sofa everytime he came. I also put mattress protectors and had to wash everything. It is amazing how a smell can stick to fabrics. I'm really sensitive to smells and wouldn't tolerate a friend smelling like that.

Oh no, how unfortunate. I went to uni with a guy who wore the same clothes for the whole term without washing them, by the stench was overwhelming, but he was on the autistic and he took no notice of anyone who tried to have a quite word. Put covers on the seat, give the car a good clean and suck it up. Or learn to drive.

Can people just stop suggesting Febreze as a solution to this awful problem? It doesn't remove smells. It changes the smell from stench of BO, unwashed clothes and stale pee to ditto, but with a powerful overlay of synthetic perfume.
I have a very acute sense of smell - I know some people don't, but you shouldn't fall for the marketing about products like this. The only way to neutralise an odour is to remove the smelly substance e.g. by washing or cleaning.

It’s actually incredible - and you see it a lot on here - the way people can type words out, and actually describe to us readers how shitty someone in their life is (inevitably a sub-standard ‘D’P)… But not actually see for themselves what they’re describing.

This thread is it to a T.

The OP has come on here to complain about Sticky Jim, but has described a DP who is so awful, that it’s patently clear he’s the real problem.

I remember my Dad saying to me once when I was a teenager, ‘love is blind’.

It’s so, so true. People really do not see what’s in front of them, when they’re ‘in love’.

What the??

Can people just stop suggesting washing and cleaning!??

The ONLY way to neutralise this odour is to remove the ‘D’P and his stinking friend from her life.

It's sad. I was the OP, I've been here and not seen, then willfully not seen and then finally couldn't not see it anymore.

There's no going back when your eyes have been opened and it's so much easier to see it from the outside but threads like these make me really mad at all the posters who are making it worse by explaining and excusing the behaviour!

We don't need to put up with this and collectively we need to realise we deserve fucking better! And stop making excuses for shitty men's shitty treatment of other women too! And stop telling the OP how to fix the damn problem, the only thing she needs to fix is her housing, transport and 'D'fuckingP problem.

Can't you say "god whats that smell?" its revolting... Or "something stinks... Time to say something! Absolutely disgusting

OP, I hope you're able to heed the warning responses. You have a DP problem. Do not move in with him, do not marry him, and absolutely do not have children with him. This is not a man who will do his fair share, step up to difficulty, or put his partner and children first.

Thank you all for the responses, I have taken them on board and we’ve had a big argument tonight. I’ll update more when I’m less tearful x

@ThatSmellIsntMeHonest I'm sorry, I hope you are alright When you feel up to it I'd start a new thread in the Relationships board, you'll get better support than in the chaos of AIBU.

Stop wasting your time, op. He puts a disgusting, filthy man above you. This relationship is doomed. Get rid and move on.

Really sorry

I do hope the blinkers are lifting.

There’s much better out there - and you deserve it.

If he's willing to comment on other people's smell then I think it's ok for you to address his. I know it's sensitive, he sounds lonely and out of touch with reality a little. I doubt he ever washes properly. I guess he's lost everyone close to him and now, not needing to work, has totally lost sight of personal hygiene.

"Friend, I'm so sorry to have to text this, but I've noticed that your clothes have started to smell quite whiffy recently, I wanted to tell you as I'd want to know if it was me. I know bills are ridiculously expensive at the moment, so if you ever need to come round for a shower/bath and stick some clothes in the washing machine you're very welcome to.

I hope you're not offended, I just thought I know I'd rather know, so thought you'd feel the same :-)"

Honestly, whilst no one wants to upset him, no one's doing him any favours. He's become immune to his smell and this will be holding him back from making friends, a partner, getting employment etc. He needs to address it, whether it's uncomfortable or not.

Can you not have a word with Jim?

I'm so sorry about the arguments @ThatSmellIsntMeHonest . It isn't fair and he should be prioritising you, not his disgusting smelly friend.

Everything else aside Jim sounds like a horrible person laughing at a homeless person with no/limited access to running water and I wonder what your DP is like if he continues associating with him....

i find it very odd that your dp never mentioned Jim to you before, ever, even casually. Given the fact that Jim is an expert in this hobby, it is strange that you were never aware of him. Even stranger that your dp never once said that he drives him weekly (pre covid).
did you ever ask your dp why he never told you about jim?
did your dp give you a heads up about the car seat situation ie: “just to let you know that Jim always sits in the front seat, do you mind sitting in the back when he gets here please? Sorry, I know it’s weird for me to ask my girlfriend to sit in the back of my car”?
or did he spring it on you when Jim was there and tell jim to sit in the front and you in the back?

hasn't he asked why you have been missing your hobby so much recently?

what does he say when people at the hobby mentions Jim’s smell?

I think it’s time to be honest with your dp and tell him exactly how you feel. Explain what happened with your clothes, why do you feel he will laugh and minimise your feelings?

surely it’s okay for him to say to jim “look mate, on Friday night or before I collect you on Saturday morning, I need you to have a shower and change your clothes please mate, thanks”. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, simple as that one line, can be done by text so no embarrassment for anyone.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t bode well for your relationship if he can’t address this issue in a mature way, especially if it’s causing you such distress.

YANBU to be upset about this, OP.

I do understand the awkwardness of raising this with Jim though as I have a similar situation but with a work colleague and his coat.

In work colleagues situation the coat must have been used as a bed by his many pets. Every time someone enters the office they ask what the smell is, has something died in there (we have had a pest controller in recently to sort out a rat problem so it was presumed that was the issue) and it was recently when the coat returned that I realised that the smell was definitely to do with the coat, a mixture of wet dog, cat and stale body odour.

I’ve thought about all ways I can tell him without him being offended but he’s the kind of person who does offend easy so I’ll just have to put up with it. I have many air fresheners dotted around and after a few hours I get used to it but it’s pretty grim.

I’m just hoping that the coat goes home and stays home as the weather improves!

I’ve thought about all ways I can tell him without him being offended but he’s the kind of person who does offend easy so I’ll just have to put up with it.

So instead of saying "Bob, I'm sure you'd rather know than not, but that old cat's so ripe that people ask what the bad small is when they come in. You must have become accustomed to it, so I'm sorry it's a bit embarrassing for both of us, but that coat needs to go to the dry cleaners, thanks for understanding" you'd prefer to be offended by stink & have your visitors offended?

Sorry it's so awful for you OP

Don't feel obliged to come back until/unless you want to. It's tough when, as PP said, the blinkers are falling off. While it must have been unpleasant, it's good you had an argument. You will be able to assess how he responds, if he's prepared to value you, & exactly how selfish he's committed to carry on being.

Take care of yourself today. Maybe go out & do something nice, just for you?

@StingrayStingray I had to google Mothers' Day Mr Clean.
Fucksake! If only Valerie Solanas were still with us ...

www.paramountbusinesscoach.com/blog/10-worst-print-advertising-mistakes/

It’s sad OP that stinking Jim and the hobby override you and common decency. I think that if I were you I would seriously consider ending the relationship because clearly you’re pretty low in the order of priorities for your other half.

Andfor those slugging Febreeze nothing smells worse than that on top of an already gag-inducing smell 🤢🤮 Why the heck anyone thinks spraying synthetic and sickening ‘freshener’ around improves things beats me!

@YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp

Andfor those slugging Febreeze nothing smells worse than that on top of an already gag-inducing smell 🤢🤮 Why the heck anyone thinks spraying synthetic and sickening ‘freshener’ around improves things beats me!

So true!! I was once in a cab going across London and the SMELL (unsure if it was actually Febreeze or something very similar they'd used either in valeting the car or to hide some other stench) was horrendous. I thought I was going to be sick. I had the windows open, which helped, but it took a while to settle my stomach afterwards... 🌹

OP you deserve more consideration than that. I hope things work out for everyone.

As it's a Saturday, I'm wondering if you're at your activity today @ThatSmellIsntMeHonest and if Jim got a lift with you or if you're there at all.

Hope you're managing to get through these last few days ok.