DP and his smelly friend

[ThatSmellIsntMeHonest]

DP and I have a shared hobby, and we drive an hour each way every Saturday to take part in it. We started dating as lockdown eased and I’d stay with him on weekends when it was allowed and we would travel in together. I never knew about the friend. Once mask rules were relaxed, DP said his friend, Jim, would be coming back to join us for the hobby. Jim drives but doesn’t have a car and lives a fair way away and so he gets the train, DP collects him from the station. Then we drive another 45 minutes- then the same in reverse in the evening. This has always been their arrangement and it only stopped because of Covid (friend refused to wear a mask so couldn’t travel by train).

The first time we collected Jim from the station, Jim went to get in the back, but DP indicated to him to get in the front and Jim asked if he was sure, DP said yes (not mentioned this to me before!) and so he got in the front and I got in the back. I quickly realised that Jim smells. Badly. A mix of body odour, urine and… damp? I’m not sure but it’s really quite horrific. DP claimed he couldn’t smell it at first but would always open a window (even on freezing cold days) as soon as Jim got in the car! DP now admits that Jim is “starting to smell a bit”. The smell is getting worse. It’s so strong I can smell it in the car for days afterwards.

A few times recently when we’ve gone to go out on a Sunday (we now live together), I’ve noticed the smell is still pretty bad in the car. It never occurred to me how it must’ve been in the fabric of the chair, etc. it just smells. Once after a day out I thought I could smell a similar, but not as strong, smell on my own clothes as I put them in the wash, but I decided I must be imagining it. Fast forward to this Sunday and we went to hell a friend move and after a while she asked what the smell was. I wasn’t sure what she meant and she said there was a strange smell. Eventually after sniffing her kitchen cupboards etc she clearly realised it was coming from me and asked if everything was alright. We’re very close and I asked her what it smelt of! She said she wasn’t sure but she was certain I had an… odour. Then it dawned on me. I took her to the car which had been closed in the warmth for a couple of hours by now and when we opened then door she said “that, you smell of that!” I told her everything. I was mortified. We went home and I washed my clothes and then washed them again, and took a long hot shower. I could smell it on my jeans. I don’t think he actually messed the seat (it was dry!) but I think somehow the smell is… seeping into the fabric? I’ve just gone to check the car (we haven’t used it since) and it still smells faintly.

I’m really at a loss of what to do! It’s the front passenger seat so I travel in it several times a week (I don’t drive). I’m wondering how many other people have thought I smell vaguely of BO and urine 🤢 This has been going on for months. My DP doesn’t see a problem and quite honestly would probably think it was funny if he knew what had happened on Sunday (I was too annoyed to tell him and have him laugh and find it funny). All I can think of is I start travelling in the back whenever we go out together (which will look and feel very weird, it’s also not the most comfortable of cars and I have back problems). I’m sure DP will be annoyed at this and say I’m over exaggerating, nagging, being difficult etc (and it would be pretty weird when we are the only ones in the car) but I don’t want to smell of someone else’s pee!

We are due to go out in a couple of hours and I’m dreading sitting in the car. It isn’t just the seat that worries me now, it’s the headrest, the belt. Since my friend said I smelt I’m paranoid and I don’t want to sit in a cinema smelling for 2 hours! I’m fully aware people have much bigger problems than this but what can I do that won’t cause issues with DP but also won’t make me feel uncomfortable whenever we go out in his car?

I was feeling very sorry for Mr Smell until he mocked the homeless person..
I'd have used that as a queue to say you don't exactly smell of roses and you own a bath.

This person must stink to high heaven to leave their smell in your car for periods of time. Not only that, but then it is rubbing off on your clothes and your friends can smell it on you. I mean I've met some pretty smelly people, and I've even had to open my office door, after some encounters, so people don't assume it is me, but nobody I've come into contact with after such encounters have said 'what is that smell?'

You're not a dog with lots of dog friends are you? I mean, only because it sounds like you and your friend have superhuman senses of smell, your friend in particular 🤣.

I do understand it is a very difficult subject to talk about to someone though, and I've never been able to go through with it. Although, if I was smelly, I would want someone to tell me.

This is all wrong

Your DP is prioritising Jim's friendship over his relationship with you. He knows Jim smells. That's why he opens the window.

Jim sounds like an antisocial curmudgeon, refusing for so long to wear a mask on the train and having to give up his hobby for the duration of the mask mandate.

He's probably jealous of your relationship with DP and wants him all to himself. I suspect he knows what he's doing and DP telling you to sit in the back seat has given him confidence that DP will choose him.

Your DP needs to insist on Jim being clean or no lifts. Dump DP if he won't do this.

Jim is ruining the car. That stench won't come out and nobody will buy it if he wants to sell it on. Your DP is a wuss.

Don’t use Febreze, it just masks the smell but it’ll break through.
2 things you can use. Surgical spirit ( only stuff that removes urine smell from cat litter trays) Dilute 50/50 with water in a spray bottle, spray the seat and seat belt and headrest. Leave to dry with car windows open. Repeat.
White vinegar. Add a cupful to your washing with the laundry liquid or powder. Your clothes won’t smell of vinegar but it will kill any nasty smell.
When the car isn’t going to be used ( overnight, maybe) stand a bowl filled with white vinegar in the car, maybe on the floor, passenger side. The vinegar will absorb any odour. An alternative is a bowl of bicarbonate of soda but vinegar works faster.
And tell your husband to give Jim a can of deodorant and a bar of soap.

Has Jim been on DP's team for a significant length of time?

Since way before you appeared on the scene?

I think it is absolutely fine to tell Jim about his smell. It is affecting you. And I would not get out of the front seat.

That's right OP - all you need to make this relationship work is to accept that Stinky Jim is more important to your bloke than you are, & to perform elaborate cleaning rituals on a regular basis.

Oh, & forget about your bloke's lack of respect for you. Definitely put THAT to the back of your mind, it's obviously so upsetting even at 3rd hand that PP have expunged it from their minds in favour of a sub-Hinge zoflora frenzy,.

@SlatsandFlaps yes yes I know you don’t have to shower every day but that is very individual matter IMO, some people sweat less some more and are active differently throughout day as you noticed(I wouldn’t necessarily shower if I wasn’t out all day etc). My brother for example is really oily and has problems with dandruff, it would be easier for him to shower every day not only to wash off extra sebum but because it ends up being more practical. Otherwise you have to wash face, feet and possibly groin separately(nothing horrible happens if you keep shower short, use mild instead of hot water as well as modest amount of soap on groin, feet and skin folds and some moisturiser after-I have KP/“chicken skin”and washing daily with gentle washcloth before moisturising helps a lot). The only way showering every day may contribute to ageing is if you don’t moisture/use too hot water/too much soap and generally pull and tug your skin excessively(which I can see people who do above doing), it accumulates over years.

Also there’s the routine aspect that people who haven’t had chance to have proper hygiene for whatever reason during upbringing, have problems with so for that reason too it’s easier to just do it every day to not go back to skipping showers. We came from not very rich household with an exhausted overburdened and depressed mother so we never got those habits from beginning like other people who take it for granted may have. I had to teach myself proper hygiene when I left home around age 20 and it's not as easy as some may think(both effort and”research on the right way to do things”wise), just saying.

Still that’s part of being adult so if another well meaning adult points out to you that things are off(even if it comes off offensive at that moment)then I would take note and do better. I find men refusing basic hygiene(when they have conditions to maintain it and it has been pointed out to them)quite offensive, I would push DP to talk to the guy or refuse to be in the car with him(especially given I have motion sickness, almost died next to one similar guy who was driving us for hours I can feel for OP)

Thank you for that Public Service Announcement @Miscfeminista although as I very much doubt Stinky Jim Himself is reading your pearls of wisdom, I wonder why you bothered.

Or did you genuinely imagine that PP hadn't heard of personal hygiene before, so needed your unpleasantly over-detailed tutorial?

@KettrickenSmiled What was so”unpleasant”about it, other than me not being able to sum it up in fewer words? I just responded to her as I thought that’s what you do on public forums.

Did ye aye @Miscfeminista

All of this car cover etc stuff, for me personally, is far too much hassle.

If it was me I’d stop going to the hobby and refuse to get into DP’s car in any case until he either

• tells Jim he smells and needs to sort it


• tells Jim he can no longer offer lifts (can give a vague, non truthful reason if necessary) and Jim makes his own way there

If after that DP still prioritises smelly Jim over my feelings I’d make it very clear that this was now a dealbreaker situation and if it doesn’t change then I’m out the door. If it was just the smelly friend and feeling bad for him I’d probably be a bit more accepting but if he also shows disrespect for me then it’s just too much hassle far too early on.

Regardless, I would not be sat smelling this, especially coming into summer. Absolutely fucking not.

I remember once at the cinema a woman sat beside me. She absolutely stank of what I can only describe as musty onions. I felt physically ill for the entire film. It was horrendous, easily the worst human I’ve ever smelt in my entire time. It was odd, too, because she was nicely dressed and presented so I couldn’t even understand how she smelt so bad. Anyway, I couldn’t tolerate that level of stench every week and then lingering on for days afterwards. It’s just grim.

use a damp sponge and distilled clear vinegar to clean the seat down-every time.BF can surely "pander"to your sensitivity and purchase a seat cover-(for jim use) and another for-really dont wanna wear eew du jim??..i dont think "laundry economics"is even probable. either-jim//has some sorta pishy sweat unawareness...seeping and omiting toxins related ...er..thing that makes you do that or is hugely unwell. does he work?whats rest of jims life look like. i real wouldnt go "hey jim,you smell repulsive"n try make out its cos you care?wow

Stinking friend aside…

@ThatSmellIsntMeHonest do you actually realise what a mind-bogglingly awful picture you’ve painted of your ‘D’P?

He sounds like a complete arsehole. To you.

Why are you with him…….?

And to the people suggesting ways of getting the stink out of the car, FFS, cop onto yourselves.

Just because you have zero dignity and self-worth, doesn’t mean you should be pushing the same pitiful standards onto other people.

Jim and not only the smells but the germs he leaves behind on my possessions would no longer be welcome in my car unless he cleans himself. If DP couldn’t support this decision then he and Jim would be welcome to sort out transportation themselves. I wouldn’t be tiptoeing around a grown man who causes me nuisance because he can’t take care of his personal hygiene properly. And if it’s some sort of medical issue, I would feel very sorry for him but still wouldn’t put up with it.

There is a condition that causes bad odors, maybe your dp can talk to him friend about it? medlineplus.gov/genetics/condition/trimethylaminuria/ "Trimethylaminuria is a disorder in which the body is unable to break down trimethylamine, a chemical compound that has a pungent odor. Trimethylamine has been described as smelling like rotting fish, rotting eggs, garbage, or urine. As this compound builds up in the body, it causes affected people to give off a strong odor in their sweat, urine, and breath. The intensity of the odor may vary over time. The odor can interfere with many aspects of daily life, affecting a person's relationships, social life, and career".

Sorry OP. There's no way I would be car sharing and risking Jim's scent on my clothes smells linger.

Your friend is a good friend thank God she spoke to you straight away. Unlike your DP.

It's definitely his clothes I reckon. He probably isn't washing them and just keeps putting on the same clothes off the floor or something like that.

Is there a smell your DP doesn't like but you do? I'd be tempted to blast everything with that to get rid of the other smell. Make that smell so pungent. Something floral maybe for the journey.

I can absolutely believe how strong the smell is OP. I used to know someone at work like this. It was so bad that a woman walked into our very large office one day, went back outside again and was physically sick. I described it to a director as being like being nasally raped if you were a woman. (Women generally have a far stronger sense of smell than most men). It's awful.

I'm glad your DP is now acknowledging the problem. Either he needs to address it or you will have to, kindly but firmly. Smelling like this is not doing Jim any favours in life.

Is he a larger person? In the case I knew this was a factor, the general fug was getting trapped in the foods of skin and not being washed away. Something fungal was probably going on as well in there.

On the scant plus side, Jim may not have been an avid mask wearer during
covid, but I bet he sure as hell encouraged it in others...

I know it's difficult, but it needs to be addressed. Tell him you both want to keep giving him lifts but he's making it extremely difficult.

Good luck. 😊

• folds of skin, not foods.

Also I meant to say, surely the fact your friend has noticed it on you must help persuade your DP just bad the problem is? Get her to have a word with him.

You are being abused but don't accuse anyone of that!

Are you happy with your DP? Do you feel good about your relationship, yourself, and your future?

I'm hesitant to jump on the LTB wagon as I know it gets trotted out on almost every post on here, but I do think you need to take stock and perhaps consider the future of your relationship.

Jim isn't going away. Your DP will not stop giving him a lift to this hobby, and Jim will not start washing and taking better care of himself just because his friend's new girlfriend has told him he smells, or has "casually" explained how washing clothes works. Jim is clearly having some very serious problems and a huge amount will have to change in order for him to care about the fact that he smells.

I think you either need to put up with being told to get in the back of the car and sit in horrible stink, or refuse any further lifts from your partner. I know which one I would choose.

After working with people that can't afford housing/washing costs. And from personal experience. Humans stink. And it only takes a few days of neglect for pretty much everyone to smell the same. And it's a smell that permeates and gets right up your nose. As said, we are all a few days away from that given neglect. Many people are lucky to never even smell this. You can get used to it. Like most smells. Oddly I have the same visceral response to many laundry liquids and perfumes. And if you are accutely 'sensitive' to aromas people can be hard work. I find public transport difficult. And anyone that commutes know also that people stink.

Clothes that can't dry properly after washing have their own funky smell.

And of course, many of us can't hold our bladders with age, and there's not a fat lot you can do about that.

Don't sit in the seat, sit behind your partner. It may force the issue.