Husband wants to go away for a night when our baby is 4 weeks old…

[SnowBall86]

My husband wants to go away to celebrate his nephews 21st birthday for 1 night and take our son who is 5 with him whilst I will stay at home with our 4 week old baby (recovering from c-section). The drive is around 5 hours. I have a couple of problems with it. Firstly, I think tagging our 5 year old along for a 5h drive each way is a bit too far for one night. Then, I know there might be some alcohol involved since it’s a 21st birthday celebration, so I’m not too keen on what our son is going to experience… also, I think that with 4 week old baby I might need all help I can get including looking after me considering that I don’t know how I’m going to feel recovering from c-section. My DH argument is that his nephew is 21 only once and that he’s helping by taking our son with him…. Am I being unreasonable by not feeling too happy about the whole situation?

Same here. I’d be asking him who the fuck he thought he was!

Not a problem to go away for the night. Presumably he's offering to take 5yo so you don't have 2 kids to look after,

I didn’t see it either. I’ve just read it now and it does say:

It’s going to be a family thing and there will be other children too. Having said that, we once went to a family Christmas party like that and it turned into an absolute pss up by 5pm*

so I stand by my first comment. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Possibly true, in that I had post natal anxiety. So it's hard to know whether I'm just at the extreme end of the scale, or "weird" (thanks, @LuckySantangelo35 ). I don't think it's that abnormal not to want your young children to be away overnight. I also don't think it's that abnormal not to want them to spend 10 hours in the car for the privilege of being away from the person with whom they spend most of their time (admittedly a 5 yr old is probably at school during the day, but you get what I mean).

@Hillaria

The child is FIVE YEARS OLD!!

Five! What would you trust your husband, his father, to take care of him overnight?!

And what’s the issue with travelling a few hours to a family party and your child staying at home
well cared for??

Sorry, don’t get it 🤷‍♀️

And merrily ignoring the update that the first baby had colic and woke every 45 minutes and was a Velcro baby. There’s no “snuggles and Netflix and bed, yay!” with a baby with colic who wakes constantly: it’s basically warfare for the fourth trimester and you need your husband in the trenches with you.

It would be a no from me because, in my experience, having a C Section and then having to look after a baby and a toddler by myself was bloody hard work.

Some people are fine after a few weeks. Some aren't.

If OP doesn't think she'll be feeling well enough to manage then her DH shouldn't go. He's putting his nephew before his wife and newborn child.

Would posters feel differently if DH had recently had major abdominal surgery and OP announced she'd decided to go away for a night and leave him with a four week old.

Nothing to do with him taking the eldest child, it's his son too after all

I guess I’m overthinking a few things as I don’t know how I’m going to be recovering (my first birth was VB) and I’m worried that this baby is going to be as colicky and sleep averse as my son was…

If you are poorly or struggling then it’s obvious he should stay home.
But that should be the case whether you’ve recently has a c-section or your DCs are both in primary school.

You are definitely overthinking things and getting worried over nothing.

The worst thing that’s going to happen is your baby will be a crap sleeper but with no 5 yo there then you can just nap when the baby does and when DH gets back you can catch up on your sleep.

I think having a newborn and 5 yo must be very difficult and I think having a few hours away from the 5 yo sounds like heaven.

Put the baby in a sling and binge on Netflix.
Or go out and about and not have to worry about dragging the 5 yo around with you.

Having a baby is what women do. A caesarian is not really major surgery and your scar is about five inches across and disappears in time. Four weeks post op some women are back in work. One night is not unreasonable.... unless there are complications. A lot of mums have to do all the nights on their own anyway as their partner is working.

This annoys me - why should a father get out of doing night feeds just because he “works”? The mother works too. Why do women put up with such nonsense?! Both of you should take turns doing nights, unless there’s some special circumstance.

What an old fashioned view. Having babies is what women do?! Thanks for reminding me of what I was put on earth for.

And as someone who's had major abdominal surgery, twice, and two c sections, I'm confident in my assertion that a section is just as painful.

And what difference does it make that the scars heal? The scars from my surgeries healed too. So do they not count either?

In what universe is a Caesarian not major surgery? Certainly in all the disclaimers you sign the NHS makes very clear it is a major operation.

"not really major surgery" 😂😂😂
You are of course at perfect liberty to make dismissive & ludicrous remarks, but the NHS disagree.
www.nhs.uk/conditions/caesarean-section/

& why so dictatorial?

OP would PREFER to have her DH at home with her, sharing the parenting.
What other mums do or do not do makes no odds to that preference.

Is wanting the care & support of your co-parent really such an outlandish notion to you that you have to scold OP for having feelings & expressing a valid choice?

The fact that women are treated in such a dismissive way does not make it minor surgery.

it’s major abdominal surgery.

No other operation to that level would be classed as non-major by anyone. What nonsense.

You can use all the capital letters and exclamation marks in the world, and I still wouldn't have gone with that when my DC were small. And no, I wouldn't entirely have trusted my children's father to take care of them properly overnight (a whole other story), which probably colours my thinking. But the car journey would have been a no in itself, however responsible the father, because there are so many bloody idiots on the roads, and you're more likely to have an accident close to home, but you're more likely to have a fatal one in a motorway collision. If my children were going to be in a fatal motorway accident, I'd have been in the car with them so as not to survive without them. So shoot me.

No other operation to that level would be classed as non-major by anyone. What nonsense.

But it isn't major surgery. It's quick and relatively simple. Major surgery is complex, involves risk to adjoining organs and veins/arteries and takes hours. A CS is a case of an incision, lifting the baby and placenta out, and closing up again.
Ask any surgeon if its classed as major surgery.

Well obviously if you’re struggling post surgery that’s a different question and any decent partner would stay.

but assuming it all goes well, a night away is an absolute non issue and to set it up as anything but is just bizarre. You’re a grown up, you can parent solo for one evening, many of us do it regularly with multiple children.

Post recovery of CS with a 4 week old! I think you're 100% entitled to feel how you feel with no compromises.

21st birthday party...massive whoop!?

I wouldn't negotiate. Just be very upfront with what YOU NEED right now.

But it isn't major surgery. It's quick and relatively simple. Major surgery is complex, involves risk to adjoining organs and veins/arteries and takes hours. A CS is a case of an incision, lifting the baby and placenta out, and closing up again.
Ask any surgeon if its classed as major surgery.

I've yet to find a single reputable source that does not describe it as major surgery.

@Hillaria

you must see that that is unusual though?

That you wouldn’t trust your children’s father with them overnight?

And also your thought process that you and your child should be together for car journeys so that if worse comes to worse you die together is very unusual…are you ok?

You should inform the NHS that you know better than them…

A caesarean is a major operation that carries a number of risks, so it's usually only done if it's the safest option for you and your baby.

it is major surgery. The fact women are expected to be content with two paracetamol and hobbling to the breakfast room a few hours later is a scandal.

Pretending it’s not major surgery to have a pop at the OP says so much about some people ok this thread.

I'm hazarding a wild guess that YOU are not a surgeon & have never asked one, @saraclara.

A caesarean is a major operation that carries a number of risks, so it's usually only done if it's the safest option for you and your baby.
www.nhs.uk/conditions/caesarean-section/

That's the thing with child birth, well at least on here . You see plenty of posters all the time wanting a csection instead of a vb and posters saying we'll demand one , it's fine etc

It is major surgery and like vb things can go wrong .

My first Cs was an emcs at 32 weeks due to cord prolapse . Hip to hip scar and internal stitches too as he was transverse and high up luckily for him so not a small easily healing scar

I'd have still been fine to look after him on my own for 24hours 4 weeks in, actually I'd have enjoyed it as my older 2 were 8 and 16 at the time so it would have been quite nice to just have the baby to think about, even if I did have to wake him up every 2-3 hours for feeding due to prematurity

Until closer to the time of the party I think it's hard to say . It's likely physically op would be fine but emotionally I guess everyone's different

I don’t agree with the concept that it’s not major surgery. it involves cutting through eleven layers and a whole host of internal stitches. Just because they can do it quickly, doesn’t make it a minor event.

I was a totally straightforward elective and I still nearly needed blood as I had an unusually placed major blood vessel and started to bleed profusely. I didn’t realise it happened at the time apart from the fact that I felt very sick suddenly as my blood pressure dropped.

Anyway I bounced back as much as possible, driving in a fortnight, gymming inside six weeks, etc, and it was still hard work. The pulling pain was rank when you try to get out of bed.

I don’t agree with the concept that it’s not major surgery. it involves cutting through eleven layers and a whole host of internal stitches. Just because they can do it quickly, doesn’t make it a minor event.

I was a totally straightforward elective and I still nearly needed blood as I had an unusually placed major blood vessel and started to bleed profusely. I didn’t realise it happened at the time apart from the fact that I felt very sick suddenly as my blood pressure dropped.

Anyway I bounced back as much as possible, driving in a fortnight, gymming inside six weeks, etc, and it was still hard work. The pulling pain was rank when you try to get out of bed.