Husband wants to go away for a night when our baby is 4 weeks old…

[SnowBall86]

My husband wants to go away to celebrate his nephews 21st birthday for 1 night and take our son who is 5 with him whilst I will stay at home with our 4 week old baby (recovering from c-section). The drive is around 5 hours. I have a couple of problems with it. Firstly, I think tagging our 5 year old along for a 5h drive each way is a bit too far for one night. Then, I know there might be some alcohol involved since it’s a 21st birthday celebration, so I’m not too keen on what our son is going to experience… also, I think that with 4 week old baby I might need all help I can get including looking after me considering that I don’t know how I’m going to feel recovering from c-section. My DH argument is that his nephew is 21 only once and that he’s helping by taking our son with him…. Am I being unreasonable by not feeling too happy about the whole situation?

What a judgemental, pretentious and unkind post

Don’t be ridiculous of course you don’t need to use a cot to look after a baby. Honestly it’s the OPs baby, an overnight trip for her husband is not going to be a problem.

Surely it's really uncertain whether it's ok and, even if he plans to go, he needs to be aware that it might not be possible?
She could have a straightforward recovery and a baby that feeds well and is happy to sleep in a cot and sleeps well between feeds. In which case, she'll probably have a nice chilled out time without the older child there.
Or she could still be in pain, struggling to cope, have infected scar, mastitis or PND.

By four weeks with DD, I was still in a lot of pain (vaginal birth) and had severe PND, meaning I was struggling to get through the next hour. The time DH was out at work every day I spent out of the house as I simply couldn't cope with being alone at home with our baby.

For another perspective I was really suffering still from my C section at 4 weeks and had actually only just come back out of hospital with a severe infection. I couldn't lift my baby properly at that point so unless I had help from my mum etc him going would not really have been possible. Did you have a C section last time do you know how you recovered last time ? X

I would genuinely be fine with it

But that has nothing to do with the OP’s husband: he’s going to a piss-up, not defending his country.

I think it great he offering to take 5 year old. Reality by then you will prob enjoy having house to just you& baby. Hard to know how 5yo will react to new baby so little break with dad could be good idea for him.
Sure 5 yo will enjoy seeing relations. Is party in house? Or will someone mind him while your husband goes out to a bar.

I think we have quite different views on parenting, and I’m in no way a ‘crunchy’ type mum. I was just unwilling to leave my tiny baby to scream.

I would look at this another way. Get some snacks, some good box sets. Order a takeaway and hole up in bed for 24hrs with that newborn. Sounds like bliss to me 🙂

She never said, but does she have family and friends nearby to help out if necessary?

I really think you are doing yourself a disservice here OP - You need to take a positive approach - you can look after a small baby for 24 hours alone, it’s entirely possible - there are many reasons woman may be left to hold the fort, illness, working patterns, single parent, they all cope perfectly well. Unless there’s some reason you’re not telling us?

And who said husbands need a leash? He’s an adult and if he wants to go to a party then he should.

Thanks to all who’d taken time to reply! I really appreciate it. I’ve read all your posts and it sort of confirmed the dilemma I had in my head… thanks for those highlighting that women don’t have to cope without their partners if they don’t want to because it sort of validated my feelings a bit. Thanks also to those who offered a perspective on how it might be actually be beneficial for my son and DH to have some bonding time together.
I guess when I mentioned alcohol I didn’t mean for my husband to get wasted at a party, more like other people. I actually really do trust him to do what’s right by our son. It’s going to be a family thing and there will be other children too. Having said that, we once went to a family Christmas party like that and it turned into an absolute p*ss up by 5pm. I don’t think this one will be like that but I think that’s my worry.
As I’ve done this journey with my son before I know it’s not going to be fun for him unless there’re plenty of stops and things to do also.
When my son was 4 weeks he wouldn’t really sleep in his cot and only on me or someone else, he was screaming the house down every night from 5 until 10pm with colic, waking every 45min and generally it was impossible to put him down even for 10 min to go to the toilet. Having said that, of course my DH was working then but I was really really looking forward to him getting back home. I remember DH also going overnight and we coped but this time around I don’t really want to just cope and survive.
I guess I’m overthinking a few things as I don’t know how I’m going to be recovering (my first birth was VB) and I’m worried that this baby is going to be as colicky and sleep averse as my son was…

The only thing you're not being unreasonable about is him taking the 5 year old. Both kids need to stay with you and you just need to get on with it for one night.

It depends. You have four weeks to organise for your mum or sister to stay with you and help out.
And will your 5yo spend the evening with a doting sober grand parent or in a smoky room full of drunks. The first is ok, the second is an obvious safeguarding risk.

Charming 🙄

Really, seems to me it will be lovely for the newborn and the 5 year old. Focused parent time!

I don’t understand all the people saying the wife just has to “get on with it” so her husband can go to a party.

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall yes instead it’s better to boast about how you were out and about minding multiple children all by yourself because you clearly have a useless DH! Super helpful.

as other posters have said people like you engaging in post partum one up man ship are absolutely pathetic.

18 months old and with a newborn (csection) on my own from day 3 (single parent). You should feel pretty good at 4 weeks providing you don't have any health issues that you haven't mentioned.
However, I would worry about my 5 year being around a load of drunk blokes. That would be my main concern. If there will be some responsible adults to help with the childcare there, I'd be more relaxed.
I think I would welcome the break to only have my baby to look after if the 5 year old was going somewhere that you know he will be safe.

The only possible answer to the idea of taking the 5 yr old on that journey, even if it weren't to a 21st, is "over my dead body". I would not have let any of my DC out of my sight for that long at that age, even with their father. And particularly not on a long car journey. Not bloody likely. My DH suggested similar not long after I had a c-section with DC2. I said it was absolutely fine for him to go (DC1 was a toddler), but there was no way he was taking DC1. We managed fine rather better than when he was there, actually

Why is anyone who genuinely DID cope fine at four weeks post CS, being accused of one-upmanship? It's their honest experience, and I would have thought it to be more reassuring to someone who's not had one before, than the people bringing up rare complications. If OP is unlucky enough to still have problems at that point, then he won't go I assume.

Also let's reframe this. DH isn't going to a party night with his mates. This is a big get together of a presumably close family. He's not going on a stag weekend, and the five year old will get spoiled rotten and have a lovely time.

A bunch of pissed-up 21 year olds and a pissed-up husband pretending he’s 21? Sounds totally shit for your five year old.

You’re not overthinking it at all, in fact it’s good to think it all through. Based on your update, why don’t you just wait and see? Me saying I was back at 100% by week 4 and another poster saying they had horrid scar infection and mastitis only tells you that it can be so variable. If you’re recovering well and baby will do an ok chunk of overnight sleep in the cot then he goes and you take it very easy (e.g. no housework, takeaway for dinner) but if you’re struggling for any reason then he stays home to help. Or at least that’s what I’d do!

The only possible answer to the idea of taking the 5 yr old on that journey, even if it weren't to a 21st, is "over my dead body". I would not have let any of my DC out of my sight for that long at that age, even with their father

WTF? Do you have a deadbeat DH or something? Because unless you had serious reasons not to trust him, that's incredibly controlling of you.

I'm more shocked at the suggestion of taking a 5yo on a 21st birthday night away. Surely it'll be all adults?

I don’t think people are trying one up a ship more trying to explain that they have actually experienced this and how they feel about it.

To me this would be a non issue as my husband worked away mid week when my children were small. I think it’s wise to be aware you might be too sore to do it but otherwise for many many women it would be much much better than going to the party.