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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants to go away for a night when our baby is 4 weeks old…

361 replies

SnowBall86 · 01/06/2022 13:56

My husband wants to go away to celebrate his nephews 21st birthday for 1 night and take our son who is 5 with him whilst I will stay at home with our 4 week old baby (recovering from c-section). The drive is around 5 hours. I have a couple of problems with it. Firstly, I think tagging our 5 year old along for a 5h drive each way is a bit too far for one night. Then, I know there might be some alcohol involved since it’s a 21st birthday celebration, so I’m not too keen on what our son is going to experience… also, I think that with 4 week old baby I might need all help I can get including looking after me considering that I don’t know how I’m going to feel recovering from c-section. My DH argument is that his nephew is 21 only once and that he’s helping by taking our son with him…. Am I being unreasonable by not feeling too happy about the whole situation?

OP posts:
Namechanger355 · 01/06/2022 23:54

saraclara · 01/06/2022 22:49

No other operation to that level would be classed as non-major by anyone. What nonsense.

But it isn't major surgery. It's quick and relatively simple. Major surgery is complex, involves risk to adjoining organs and veins/arteries and takes hours. A CS is a case of an incision, lifting the baby and placenta out, and closing up again.
Ask any surgeon if its classed as major surgery.

You do realise that 7 different lawyers of abdominal wall and the uterus are cut and then open to get the baby out

you do realise that c sections were deadly before modern medicine - in the old days it was a case of the mum or the baby

it is major surgery by any stretch of the imagination - no it is not a heart transplant but there can be blood loss, infection so of course it’s major.

please stop saying ridiculous things

Apollonia1 · 02/06/2022 00:17

I don't think the c-section will be an issue. I had one with twins - minimal pain, walking normally next day, and pretty much back to normal by day 3. I left hospital on day 5, and was home alone, running up and down stairs with the twins, etc. By week 4, the c-section was a distant memory.

Im your situation, I'd rather the 5-year old stayed at home too (to avoid a 10-hour car journey and a potentially boozy party).

Sunnytwobridges · 02/06/2022 00:36

I think it’s fine. It’s only one night and it sounds more like a family bday for the most part. My dd spent 11hrs one way when going to her dads house and she was fine. A couple of stops on the way but was ok. She was only 4 at the time. And took that trip a few times up til age 6.

how long does it take to heal from a c section? Most people I know are up and about within a week or two.

Blarting · 02/06/2022 04:06

I think your DH is trying hard to minimise the pressure on you by taking the child and only staying one night. I'm sure he'd rather go for a couple of nights alone.

He wants to attend a family party.

If no ok with it.

Blarting · 02/06/2022 04:07

*i'd be ok with it

esoryelneh · 02/06/2022 10:16

Hillaria · 01/06/2022 18:43

The only possible answer to the idea of taking the 5 yr old on that journey, even if it weren't to a 21st, is "over my dead body". I would not have let any of my DC out of my sight for that long at that age, even with their father. And particularly not on a long car journey. Not bloody likely. My DH suggested similar not long after I had a c-section with DC2. I said it was absolutely fine for him to go (DC1 was a toddler), but there was no way he was taking DC1. We managed fine rather better than when he was there, actually

What?

How strange..

esoryelneh · 02/06/2022 10:17

Herejustforthisone · 01/06/2022 18:46

A bunch of pissed-up 21 year olds and a pissed-up husband pretending he’s 21? Sounds totally shit for your five year old.

But of a reach there to assume her partner wants to think of himself as 21 for a night.

What's wrong with people older than 21, going to celebrate a 21st birthday?

So if one of your close relatives turns 21 and invites you, do you automatically pretend you're 21 too?

Some strange replies on this thread

saleorbouy · 02/06/2022 10:46

He's obviously thought about the burden of you and wants to take his son to help you in this respect.
Surely if you plan ahead and get as much ready as possible while he's there it won't be too difficult. Get clothes ready, food pre-prepared etc.
Let him go, it's only for one night. Have some confidence in your own abilities too!

Original poster
SnowBall86 · 02/06/2022 14:32

Thanks again for all your replies. Plenty of food for thought!

Upon reflection, I think what annoyed me was the fact that staying and helping was never his first thought. First thing he thought of is how to make it to the family celebration with minimal impact on me, admittedly. We don’t have any family around so bringing our 5 yo up I didn’t have any help. I never stopped DH having a night out or a week/weekend away in these 5 years. I always managed and always encouraged him too because I always thought since he works FT his mental health should be our first priority. So it’s not like I don’t believe that I can manage on my own for one night - of course I will. Even if the baby has colic. Back when our son was born, I didn’t even have any friends around either. Which is different this time around.

It’s just that maybe this time around I selfishly wanted him to give up the “fun” bit of life in order to stay and help. So actually I think I’m the one with the issues here 🙂

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 02/06/2022 15:11

You are a good person @SnowBall86

It's often better to compromise than to sit all offended on a high horse - NOT that I'm suggested at all that you were! - & the way you chose to point out First thing he thought of is how to make it to the family celebration with minimal impact on me, admittedly suggests that you & he are reasonable folk who will reach a comfortable agreement - on this & the several thousand other small annoyances that accompany the bliss of parenthood Wink

Hillaria · 02/06/2022 15:57

LuckySantangelo35 · 01/06/2022 23:07

@Hillaria

you must see that that is unusual though?

That you wouldn’t trust your children’s father with them overnight?

And also your thought process that you and your child should be together for car journeys so that if worse comes to worse you die together is very unusual…are you ok?

Show quote history

you must see that that is unusual though?

That you wouldn’t trust your children’s father with them overnight?

And also your thought process that you and your child should be together for car journeys so that if worse comes to worse you die together is very unusual…are you ok?

@LuckySantangelo35 Yes, you're probably right that it's unusual. Several of my friends would have thought the same, but I also have plenty who wouldn't! I am definitely a catastrophiser, and doubly so post-natally.

Thanks for asking after me. The children whom I mentioned are now all adults, so I have more or less got over it Grin. Though I'm still funny about them going in cars with other people (also because a very dear family member was killed in a car crash aged 17 so I'm edgy about it anyway).

dcjfr · 02/06/2022 18:00

I would have gone to the party too 4 weeks after the C-section. 4 weeks after my hysterectomy I was raring to go though I accept childbirth is different. On the other why don't all four of you stay in a hotel near the party or at another family's house who is local to the party. Your partner can then go to the party and then come back and support you for the remainder of the night.

Bleachmycloths · 02/06/2022 18:32

Is there anyway you can let DH go alone while you commandeer overnight help with the 2 children? A friend or relative?

cherish123 · 02/06/2022 18:34

Ask him to the 5yr old

Lamaitresse · 02/06/2022 19:04

It’s one night, come on. Think of the adventure your husband and son will have!! I’m sure you’ll be able to cope.

RunningTiger · 02/06/2022 19:24

URBU

It’s one night. Let him go. It’s really nice he’s taking your 5year old too. Go with him if it’s such an issue.

after baby#1 - day 5 my husband went to America for 10days (with work, but was a bit of a jolly too).
baby#2 husband didn’t make the birth as was travelling home from work. He then returned to work on day 4 - working away during the week.

if you are seriously put out by this ask a friend to come and stay.

viques · 02/06/2022 19:30

Nocutenamesleft · 01/06/2022 17:44

You can drive as soon as you can perform an emergency stop

i know people who were driving after 10 days.

m the old information used to be 6 weeks. But it’s changed now

Show quote history

Wow, if only there was some sort of system available whereby you could pay people to drive you in their car……

Goldencarp · 02/06/2022 19:31

Agree with others, it’s one night and he’s taking one child with him. I spent many nights alone with a newborn, one year old and disabled older child many times after a c section. No choice when you’re other half works nights!

user1471459761 · 02/06/2022 19:41

You are being unreasonable. I would have had no issue with this at all. They will have a wail of a time together. You will get to please yourself for a day. If it turns out there are difficulties with the c-section then revisit it nearer the time just as you will if you are ill for some other reason. It makes you sound a bit helpless to be honest. What exactly do you want him to stay around and do that cannot wait until he gets back?

Dahliasandtea · 02/06/2022 19:42

Yes yabu. It’s your second child…. You know what you are doing and honestly after 4 weeks with 2, 1 will be a bloody breeze. Your husband is right, his nephew is 21 once and he wants to go. I’m sure he is responsible enough to make sure he isn’t completely blotto when his 5yr old is around and I expect that your 5yr old will have to go to bed before it gets rowdy….
I know not everyone has experience of being alone with a child but I did the first 4months of my child’s life alone and then the first 18m of my 2nd child’s life (2 under 2) alone. My husband was working away for that time. No help no parents grandparents nannies etc…. A few nights with 1? You have got this. Enjoy it. I would have loved a few days and nights with my second alone.

Darbs76 · 02/06/2022 19:43

It’s one night, sure you’ll be fine and if you’re not doing fine he can cancel. No biggie

Teachertired92 · 02/06/2022 19:43

Would depend on how they were celebrating the 21st! Is it a family party or a night out?

Dahliasandtea · 02/06/2022 19:44

viques · 02/06/2022 19:30

Wow, if only there was some sort of system available whereby you could pay people to drive you in their car……

Show quote history

😆😆😆

user1487194234 · 02/06/2022 19:45

Honestly,I really would not have a problem with this
my DH went to a friend’s birthday celebration when DC2 was 5 weeks old and it was absolutely fine

megletthesecond · 02/06/2022 19:48

Yanbu. 4 weeks post c-section you need support. (I've had 2 sections and had very little help and was a lone parent at 4 months with dc2.)