Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to consider this cheating?

128 replies

Leaya · 01/06/2022 11:47

So back when me and dp got together I asked him about his past experiences/kisses. He told me he kissed a close guy friend called Jack in a light hearted I love you man kind of way. I laughed about it, found it abit odd but harmless and that was that.

Well carrying on to now. We have been having intimacy issues so maybe I've become particularly sensitive towards this (no sex life) but yesterday we spoke about the kiss with Jack again after I found out they used to go out together on what sounded like dates. I joked to dp that taking each other to 5 star restaurants up in the big city then going out for the day was something I'd do with a date. I wasn't being serious until we got onto the topic of the kiss and dp said it happened when Him and Jack where away together on a lads holiday. This holiday happened when we was together.

I said to dp but you told me it happened before we got together to which dp said no i never said that. Things got abit weird. I then said fine I guess I can go and kiss my close friend too and he said he was fine with that (my close friend is male). I found it even stranger that he is now presumably okay with me kissing someone else.

This kiss was just a peck apparently but how am I to know when he lied about the timing of it. My gut has been telling me some thing is up with dp because he had become distant physically and emotionally from me but dp has been swearing blind it's just the stress of our house move and he still loves me.

His friend is bi so I don't know. If it was two straight guys kissing then okay sure it was just friendly but everyone knows Jack likes men as well. Including dp. Also according to dp this kiss came along after Jack declared how happy he was for dp to have found me...

Just all abit odd.

I also remember this time when I was in the new stages of dating dp and we was in a cab with Jack in the back. We was all drunk. Me and dp were making out and I could recall (was really drunk so memory is hazy) dp holding Jack's hand or Jack's hand around dp.

Something just doesn't feel right about all of this but maybe I am looking into it too much. I confided in a guy friend and his first reaction was oh is dp bi. So is it not normal to kiss a friend and wasn't it wrong considering we was together at that point. Please help my head is a mess.

Yabu it was a harmless peck

Yanbu it was cheating

OP posts:
Onemoresleeptogonow · 01/06/2022 11:51

Your dh is a closet bisexual.
And mauling another person regardless of gender is cheating.

IRunbecauseILikeCake · 01/06/2022 11:51

Its hard to know without knowing them both, but from what you have said, it sounds like your DP is in love with his friend.

Whatever00 · 01/06/2022 11:53

Your partner is bi or gay. He is attracted to men. I think you have bigger issues than a kiss.

Original poster
Leaya · 01/06/2022 11:54

Please be gentle with me I've just had our first dc we are engaged to be married my life is just starting and now I'm worried it's a lie

OP posts:
Pollydonia · 01/06/2022 11:54

He sounds like one confused human !
And yes, its cheating.

Original poster
Leaya · 01/06/2022 11:57

Some more info

This kiss happened nearly 3 yrs ago now

Jack initiated it

It was just a peck

Dp swears he isn't gay or bi and is straight (I confronted him yesterday)

OP posts:
Original poster
Leaya · 01/06/2022 11:57

Is it cheating if its just a peck

OP posts:
JustLyra · 01/06/2022 12:00

Leaya · 01/06/2022 11:57

Is it cheating if its just a peck

Only you can decide that.

my DH kissing another person romantically , regardless of how brief, would be cheating for me.

Original poster
Leaya · 01/06/2022 12:01

@JustLyra but that's the thing according to dp it wasn't romantic it was just a drunken soppy bromance kiss.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leaya · 01/06/2022 12:01

I have spoken to Jack before and he told me he was so happy that I'm with dp and that I make dp happy.

OP posts:
Joystir59 · 01/06/2022 12:02

He's is bi or gay. Better to explore all of this now before you go any further.

Joystir59 · 01/06/2022 12:03

If The Kiss had been an innocent peck it would never have been mentioned.

Somewhereinfragglerock · 01/06/2022 12:03

When in doubt, always, ALWAYS, trust your gut.

42isthemeaning · 01/06/2022 12:03

I'd be worried that dp was lying to himself and to you. Follow your instincts. If it doesn't feel right then it probably isn't.

Happycow · 01/06/2022 12:04

Yeah... so my ex dp told me in the very early days he had previously kissed a male friend. I didnt think much of it tbh. Same situation re. Lack of intimacy etc after a while. 20 years and 3 kids later (when youngest was 6 months old) i found out he was meeting hookups from grindr.

If this does not separate you now, it will when you have invested more of your life in this relationship, your kids are older and have a bigger wrench when he moves out, and youve spent years of your life never feeling like youre enough. Which is bloody hard to work through.

DoNotGetADog · 01/06/2022 12:05

If it was “just a peck” I can’t imagine how it even came up in conversation or why he would have mentioned it.

Poptart4 · 01/06/2022 12:05

If it was just a peck/kiss I could probably let it go.

The problem here is your partner is physically and emotionally distant from you. I also believe in gut instincts, and yours is telling you something is going on here.

From what you said it does sound like your partner is bi or gay. At the very least he's confused.

SafeMove · 01/06/2022 12:07

Hmm, my DP wouldn't 'peck' anyone but me but that's our relationship. If it feels wrong, trust your gut. You might need to talk through why you are ignoring your gut instincts and explore why you have started doing this? Can you ask you MW/HV to refer you to IAPT/My Wellbeing College to talk to someone objective maybe? You sound really stressed. Hope you are okay.

Original poster
Leaya · 01/06/2022 12:07

He mentioned it because I had asked if he had ever kissed someone before me. I am his first ever partner. He said oh there was the one time with Jack but it wasn't serious it was a joke thing

That is how it came up

OP posts:
Original poster
Leaya · 01/06/2022 12:07

@SafeMove im so stressed out I've just been sick and I'm shaking haha...

It's just one thing after another in our relationship

OP posts:
Happycow · 01/06/2022 12:08

And yes, i would consider that peck cheating. No-one mentions the peck-on-the-cheek hello they have with friends , so the only reason to mention this is becUse it was more than that. Especially coupled with your memory of the touching in the cab.

I understand youre feeling vulnerable now with a child, and you feel like your life is sorted, but you need to explore this with him, however uncomfortable. I do sympathise with you, its not easy.

Original poster
Leaya · 01/06/2022 12:10

It was a peck on the lips though. This is what is odd to me. I just wouldn't kiss my gfs no matter how much I loved them. Especially if I was gay and they was in a relationship

OP posts:
Oreosareawful · 01/06/2022 12:13

Straight men don't kiss their male friends. Peck or otherwise.

DoNotGetADog · 01/06/2022 12:16

It sounds pretty unbelievable these days that he’d never even kissed anyone before you. Also the timeline seems wrong - this kids he had with Jack was actually after he had started going out with you, (although you say this conversation happened at the start of your relationship, so a pretty narrow window). But he was young enough to have never kissed anyone before you, but old enough to be going to 5 start restaurants with Jack?? Seems like there’s at least some bullshit in the telling of this story.

DoNotGetADog · 01/06/2022 12:17

Kiss with Jack, not kids!!!

Swipe left for the next trending thread