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AIBU?

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Original poster

Aibu to consider this cheating?

128 replies

Leaya · 01/06/2022 11:47

So back when me and dp got together I asked him about his past experiences/kisses. He told me he kissed a close guy friend called Jack in a light hearted I love you man kind of way. I laughed about it, found it abit odd but harmless and that was that.

Well carrying on to now. We have been having intimacy issues so maybe I've become particularly sensitive towards this (no sex life) but yesterday we spoke about the kiss with Jack again after I found out they used to go out together on what sounded like dates. I joked to dp that taking each other to 5 star restaurants up in the big city then going out for the day was something I'd do with a date. I wasn't being serious until we got onto the topic of the kiss and dp said it happened when Him and Jack where away together on a lads holiday. This holiday happened when we was together.

I said to dp but you told me it happened before we got together to which dp said no i never said that. Things got abit weird. I then said fine I guess I can go and kiss my close friend too and he said he was fine with that (my close friend is male). I found it even stranger that he is now presumably okay with me kissing someone else.

This kiss was just a peck apparently but how am I to know when he lied about the timing of it. My gut has been telling me some thing is up with dp because he had become distant physically and emotionally from me but dp has been swearing blind it's just the stress of our house move and he still loves me.

His friend is bi so I don't know. If it was two straight guys kissing then okay sure it was just friendly but everyone knows Jack likes men as well. Including dp. Also according to dp this kiss came along after Jack declared how happy he was for dp to have found me...

Just all abit odd.

I also remember this time when I was in the new stages of dating dp and we was in a cab with Jack in the back. We was all drunk. Me and dp were making out and I could recall (was really drunk so memory is hazy) dp holding Jack's hand or Jack's hand around dp.

Something just doesn't feel right about all of this but maybe I am looking into it too much. I confided in a guy friend and his first reaction was oh is dp bi. So is it not normal to kiss a friend and wasn't it wrong considering we was together at that point. Please help my head is a mess.

Yabu it was a harmless peck

Yanbu it was cheating

OP posts:
RebeccaCloud9 · 02/06/2022 00:07

My husband and I bicker about small stuff, and some things he does frustrate me - like him not doing the dishes or not putting his clothes away. But I trust him, admire him and respect him and feel safe with him consistently.

WarOnSlugs · 02/06/2022 00:38

Leaya · 01/06/2022 20:06

@MadeForThis 26

Leave. Settle down (if you wish to) once you feel independent and have good boundaries and self worth and are financially independent, in maybe 10 years or so.

Stop wasting your time on this relationship. It sounds miserable.

WarOnSlugs · 02/06/2022 00:45

Hannahsternrocks · 01/06/2022 23:50

Leaya

There is so much here. Please take time to believe your gut and feel where that takes you. Then make a plan.

I can't read all the comments to the end but have got the gist - and do think you need to take Tandoya's concerns of homophobia out of it. There is no place for more confusion in your mind right now.

So many things you say resonate (or more accurately perfectly reflect) my recent experience with a boyfriend of 2 years. We just split up a month ago. See my post on active bisexuality in relationships. I chose to go after months of confusion and hurt. Moods, hot and cold, mixed messages but also so much good.

It's gut wrenching to find out someone might not be what you want them to be - especially based on what they told you they were and what they want to be (straight).

You are not stupid. You are not confused. You are brilliant and your gut feeling about this is a red flag - but understandably one that you don't want to see. Because you love him.

I took 9 months. It just ended up hurting more. He edged from I'm bisexual and it doesn't affect you to 6 months later, actually I do want to sleep with men. Is that ok? I actually considered it. I am open minded but have children, and didn't want that for them - or me - as a "new family" ultimately! And sonnow we are over (I also found a spreadsheet marking me out of ten and comparing me to his wife (who died) which made it pretty clear he is not measuring worth to him emotionally but on his varying needs (wears stockings, on with him being bisexual etc etc).

There has been lie after lie. Gently and with good reason - each of which I demonstrated huge sympathy and patience with. Partly because I was going through an awful divorce and didn't have energy or headspace for more, and partly because I loved him and he told me he loved me - and was so gentle and the antithesis of my ex who was raging and trying to break me (or so it seemed) that I loved my time with him and hid head in the sand.

I know nothing about this stuff but it does sound to me like he is defensive and becoming toxic - and this could be because of guilt. Who knows why and it doesn't really matter why because the point in all of this is he should make you happy, not confused and insecure. So whatever he is or isn't, he is probably not right or good for you.

So don't waste another second. I am older and won't get a chance to meet anyone else but U'm not angry. Equally I realise he wasted my time in his selfishness (at worst) or inability to admit himself (at best) so please don't waste yours. You're young still, your dc will accept another daddy if that's what you want or need. Or just you as a strong mum. You actually sound stronger without him imho. Maybe make that choice for your kid and then see what happens once you have had time alone and got stronger boundaries. Anyway, these are all big thoughts and terrifying.

So here's one simple one. Do NOT let him make you feel shit. Love yourself and design him out of your sense of worth. That's the first step, regardless of whether you stay or go and what he is or isn't.

Much love.

Such a good post and also I'm sorry this happened to you @Hannahsternrocks

Also, until we die there is always time for something new. X

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