Aibu to consider this cheating?

[Leaya]

So back when me and dp got together I asked him about his past experiences/kisses. He told me he kissed a close guy friend called Jack in a light hearted I love you man kind of way. I laughed about it, found it abit odd but harmless and that was that.

Well carrying on to now. We have been having intimacy issues so maybe I've become particularly sensitive towards this (no sex life) but yesterday we spoke about the kiss with Jack again after I found out they used to go out together on what sounded like dates. I joked to dp that taking each other to 5 star restaurants up in the big city then going out for the day was something I'd do with a date. I wasn't being serious until we got onto the topic of the kiss and dp said it happened when Him and Jack where away together on a lads holiday. This holiday happened when we was together.

I said to dp but you told me it happened before we got together to which dp said no i never said that. Things got abit weird. I then said fine I guess I can go and kiss my close friend too and he said he was fine with that (my close friend is male). I found it even stranger that he is now presumably okay with me kissing someone else.

This kiss was just a peck apparently but how am I to know when he lied about the timing of it. My gut has been telling me some thing is up with dp because he had become distant physically and emotionally from me but dp has been swearing blind it's just the stress of our house move and he still loves me.

His friend is bi so I don't know. If it was two straight guys kissing then okay sure it was just friendly but everyone knows Jack likes men as well. Including dp. Also according to dp this kiss came along after Jack declared how happy he was for dp to have found me...

Just all abit odd.

I also remember this time when I was in the new stages of dating dp and we was in a cab with Jack in the back. We was all drunk. Me and dp were making out and I could recall (was really drunk so memory is hazy) dp holding Jack's hand or Jack's hand around dp.

Something just doesn't feel right about all of this but maybe I am looking into it too much. I confided in a guy friend and his first reaction was oh is dp bi. So is it not normal to kiss a friend and wasn't it wrong considering we was together at that point. Please help my head is a mess.

Yabu it was a harmless peck

Yanbu it was cheating

What is his relationship with Jack now?

I wouldn't necessarily think of this as cheating tbh, although I admit it's unusual for a straight man to kiss another in this way.

I'd focus on the intimacy issues you're having now and try to get to the root of those, rather than bringing it all back to this kiss.

Totally different scenarios! You simply cannot compare these situations to the ones the OP is describing. Men (in the UK at any rate) simply don't do this...they don't kiss or hold hands, they just don't.

I wouldn’t consider a peck cheating necessarily. I don’t think pecks are usually sexual, they’re a sign of affection. I have straight male friends who would do something like that with male or female friends they were very close to, especially if they’d had a drink. Doesn’t mean the intention was sexual.

But you don’t trust that it was just a peck. He lied about the timing initially and the handholding taxi ride sounds odd. I would suspect that DH’s friend has a crush on him. Whether that is reciprocated is difficult to tell.

Wow, the amount of closet homophobes and the quick diagnosis of "definitely gay" on this thread is frightening.

OP, I've seen my DH give drunken bro kisses to his friends countless times. And he's likely seen me do the same to mine! It's incredibly shortsighted to equate a drop in intimacy to being secretly gay where there are likely a myriad of other contributing factors.

If I was Jack, I think I would have wanted a handhold in a taxi if two people were getting off on front of me as if I wasn't there, it's a bit rude!

Absolutely talk to your other half about the intimacy issues, but please don't push upon him this notion that he's secretly gay if he's told you that he's not. It's unkind.

I think sometimes labels about sexuality are unhelpful. I’d focus on the fact that irrespective of him being in a monogamous relationship, there have been a few instances of him doing things which you feel cross a line - the holding hands in the cab and the kiss. In the context of them doing matey things which seems more like dates, your partner doesn’t need to identify as any orientation for it to be clear that some elements of their friendship seem inappropriately intimate for friends. Once you establish that fact, it seems irrefutable that there is some sort of spark between them where they don’t have a clear platonic boundary and what he defines as friendly isn’t something you’d tolerate from any other friend. So, yes, it does seem to be physical cheating and an emotional attachment beyond friendship. I’m bi, btw which is why I think it’s best to disregard whether or not he identifies as straight and whether that excuses / explains his behaviour. I’d focus purely on the actions and if you’re uncomfortable with them. Hope that makes sense.

He mentioned it because I had asked if he had ever kissed someone before me. I am his first ever partner.

Did you get together when you were 10 years old or something?

Maybe I’m just confused by the timeline.

I’m a big believer in trusting your gut instinct.

It's just one thing after another in our relationship

What does this mean?

And if sex is important to you absolutely don’t marry him. It’s just leading to heartache.

Why are you marrying this man if you have no sex life with him? It sounds to me like he is confused about his sexuality and this is affecting his performance. Are you both very young? If you get married, I think you are in for a very unhappy life

I just want to know if people would consider this cheating or if I'm being overly dramatic

He is bisexual or gay.

Can you talk to Jack about it?

OP, your DP has already told you he is neither Gay or Bi. Only you can decide if you believe him or not. Is a kiss that happened three years ago, reason enough for you to end your relationship? If it was me then no, I would trust what he says unless something else happens or happened.

I think the no-sex thing is a red herring here. Does anything else apart from this kiss raised any red flags with you? Any holidays or nights out with the lads? Not that I’m saying this proves anything, but if you have a gut feeling that something does not sit right, you owe it to yourself to get more information.

If DP is engaging in an affair with Jack, he will drip feed you information. Sit down with him and explain why this is making you feel vulnerable. But make sure you can remain in a calm rational manner.

If he has nothing to hide he will answer your questions to put your mind at rest. If he tries to act vague , pretends he can’t remember or even worse tries to turn this around on you, this would be a major red flag.

However, there really might not be anything to this other than a drunken kiss between friends, so don’t burn any bridges that you might not be able to repair.

No it’s not cheating xx

You say its one thing after another. Can you give examples of other problems to give context?

@Eightiesfan thats literally what I was thinking but I just brought it up to him and he got majorly defensive and started calling me a lunatic and that I'm crazy.

It's not looking good. He even tried to call me homophobic

Surely if he had nothing to hide he wouldn't get this up in arms about it

@LadyLolaRuben we have just had consistent problem after problem. Usually being him bringing it to the table and me having to work around it or forgive him

I can just never catch a break and it's bloody mentally exhausting

I kissed my best friend (female) on her hen do. It was literally a one second lip smack. It meant absolutely nothing. All the girls were a little tipsy and there was a lot of love in the room. I'm certainly not gay (I have only dated men and am currently with a man) and my friend is married to a man and also not gay. It was just a moment of joyful expression of love. So no, I don't consider it cheating.

I think the fact he was open about it and volunteered it shows it meant nothing. I think if he was in the closet, he probably would have kept it to himself.

He’s gay OP.
Sorry.

If he was bisexual it’s highly unlikely he would try that out with a god friends who he’s clearly attracted to.

He’s very likely gay.

Wow, the amount of closet homophobes and the quick diagnosis of "definitely gay" on this thread is frightening

Pray tell why on earth are you calling these people closer homophobes? Even if they were wrong about his sexuality, why does that make them a homophobe?

OP, I've seen my DH give drunken bro kisses to his friends countless times. And he's likely seen me do the same to mine! It's incredibly shortsighted to equate a drop in intimacy to being secretly gay where there are likely a myriad of other contributing factors

Yeah, ok. This isn’t a drunken bro kiss , because it wouldn’t even be mentioned if it was.

I have a first degree gay relative and a first degree bisexual one, and men who aren’t attracted to men sexually, or indeed who aren’t exclusively attracted to me, are very unlikely to do this with a ‘friend’

I could be wrong of course, but my guess is I’m not.

According to dp it was a stupid drunken peck. Didn't last more than a few seconds and dp has now said he also did it to someone else that was there too so it wasn't just him

Apparently dp felt really awkward about it afterwards and regretted it..

I don't know it just all feel so weird to me

He claims he is just comfortable with his sexuality and I'm homophobic for suggesting men can't kiss.

Jack kissed another guy friend too (apparently) just wanted to make it clear

What age are you both?

If you are his first partner and the only person he has ever kissed (except Jack) then I assume you are both quite young?

He also keeps calling me insecure. But I hardly find that fair since he has given me something to be insecure about it's not like I fabricated this out of nothing

@MadeForThis 26