Aibu to consider this cheating?

[Leaya]

So back when me and dp got together I asked him about his past experiences/kisses. He told me he kissed a close guy friend called Jack in a light hearted I love you man kind of way. I laughed about it, found it abit odd but harmless and that was that.

Well carrying on to now. We have been having intimacy issues so maybe I've become particularly sensitive towards this (no sex life) but yesterday we spoke about the kiss with Jack again after I found out they used to go out together on what sounded like dates. I joked to dp that taking each other to 5 star restaurants up in the big city then going out for the day was something I'd do with a date. I wasn't being serious until we got onto the topic of the kiss and dp said it happened when Him and Jack where away together on a lads holiday. This holiday happened when we was together.

I said to dp but you told me it happened before we got together to which dp said no i never said that. Things got abit weird. I then said fine I guess I can go and kiss my close friend too and he said he was fine with that (my close friend is male). I found it even stranger that he is now presumably okay with me kissing someone else.

This kiss was just a peck apparently but how am I to know when he lied about the timing of it. My gut has been telling me some thing is up with dp because he had become distant physically and emotionally from me but dp has been swearing blind it's just the stress of our house move and he still loves me.

His friend is bi so I don't know. If it was two straight guys kissing then okay sure it was just friendly but everyone knows Jack likes men as well. Including dp. Also according to dp this kiss came along after Jack declared how happy he was for dp to have found me...

Just all abit odd.

I also remember this time when I was in the new stages of dating dp and we was in a cab with Jack in the back. We was all drunk. Me and dp were making out and I could recall (was really drunk so memory is hazy) dp holding Jack's hand or Jack's hand around dp.

Something just doesn't feel right about all of this but maybe I am looking into it too much. I confided in a guy friend and his first reaction was oh is dp bi. So is it not normal to kiss a friend and wasn't it wrong considering we was together at that point. Please help my head is a mess.

Yabu it was a harmless peck

Yanbu it was cheating

Hmm, I went through a phase in my twenties when I kissed many of my mates on the lips - a lot of MDMA was involved - so in isolation that wouldn't be a deal-breaker BUT with everything else you mention, it is.

You don't sound happy..

The holding hands whilst you were kissing would bother me more.
I don’t think the issue is cheating but that you sound unhappy with your sex life. Don’t get married unless this is sorted, it’s such a marriage killer.
talk it through with him and if necessary someone like relate. You need to have a sex life you’re happy with before getting married.

You said it didn't last more than a few seconds. A peck does not last a few seconds. A peck lasts about as long as it takes to say the word peck! Less than a second. What he is describing is a lingering kiss. And would be inappropriate with anyone, it crosses a line. If my husband did that with anyone, I would consider it to have crossed the line.

It is NOT homophobic to be focussing on if he is gay, or suggesting he may be. If he kissed someone he could never be attracted to because he is 100% straight, that is OF COURSE different to kissing someone (male or female) to whom he could be attracted. It is also totally different comparing straight women kissing other straight women to men kissing men. Maybe it shouldn't be different but it totally is.

He's lying to you and gaslighting you, serious stuff. I think you'd be happier away from this man

You know what is going on. Get out now. He has already proved himself liar. You will drive yourself crazy with all the lies and gaslighting then 15 years later he will reveal all and fuck you up some more. He will get all the sympathy, poor guy being in the closet all the time.

He has completely shut me down and walked away. He refuses to talk about this anymore because its crazy and that is that.

He does this alot.

Dictates when he has had enough and ends our discussions

Now I don't know what to do

It is such an annoying power move

I don't think YABU at all OP. He is distant, not affectionate, and I think he's giving you a very light version of the truth. It sounds like he does or previously had feelings for this friend.

So why are you even considering marrying him?

Thing is like another poster I had an " interesting youth" before I met DH. I slept with many male friends and kissed many more and some girls. But I have never told DH (or anyone really) about that stuff. The question to me is why did he tell you ?

I really don't know where to go from here. I've just been upstairs crying on my own and dp refuses to talk anymore.

I think that this episode is just one of a number of issues which point up the fact that this relationship isn’t working for you. The life you describe sounds exhausting and unfulfilling, regardless of whether he’s gay, or cheating, or neither. I don’t get the sense that he makes you happy, at least not consistently.

I would think long and hard about what you’re getting out of the relationship, and whether you will be satisfied living a version of this for the rest of your life. Without significant investment of time and effort from both of you, things won’t get better. If he continues to dictate your lives to this degree, your resentment will only grow, and it’s unlikely you’ll get him to change. Cause clearly he doesn’t think he needs to.

Picture life without him in the frame. How does it make you feel? It would be scary at first, but does the peace of it seem tempting?

I think that this episode is just one of a number of issues which point up the fact that this relationship isn’t working for you. The life you describe sounds exhausting and unfulfilling, regardless of whether he’s gay, or cheating, or neither. I don’t get the sense that he makes you happy, at least not consistently.

I agree.

Does anyone's partner make them consistently happy. Life is full of ups and downs

I don’t think you’re being remotely homophobic and I’m gay myself. I can completely see why you are concerned, I think only you can see the big picture here as it’s your relationship and you can only go with your gut. Can a man give another man a ‘love you brother’ peck? Absolutely. Would they bring that up when discussing previous intimacy? Unlikely unless they viewed it that way but possible I guess…? Only your dp has the answers unfortunately

Pretty much. There are imperfect things but we respect each other, communicate, are honest and don’t dismiss the other’s insecurities or concerns.

The ups and downs are ‘life’ - not each other. In 17 years we’ve had very few issues that have required serious discussions because we talk a lot about what bothers us.

We have two autistic children, stressful jobs, I have chronic illnesses and a house that needs constant work. It’s no walk in the park but we’re a strong couple with shared goals.

I would be kinda worried because he is playing down the kiss and making out it was just a peck and how he is not bi but I think he is and why were they holding hands in the cab when you and yr husband were kissing, that is just weird and strange and I would not trust my husband around this guy and he may get the urge to experiment with a man again in the future, I would have a good long think about all of this as you cannot live your life always wondering if he is going to go off with Jack again or another man.

He sounds like a narcissist as that is what they do walk away and the silent treatment. Can you go and stay with any friend or family for a few days to clear your head as you have to put yourself first and do not rush into marry him with these issues as he will get worse when you are married.

Tomorrow, grab your baby and a suitcase with enough things for a week. Go and stay with family or friends. Put some distance between you and this guy, and start thinking about the best way to co-parent. Sorry, but I really don't think that marrying him is the best for anyone.

Does he come from a culture where being gay is not aceptable ?

Does anyone's partner make them consistently happy. Life is full of ups and downs

There’s meant to be a hell of a lot more ups than downs and you’ve said multiple times about unhappy he makes you.

I’ve been with my DH for over 12 years and I have been consistently happy with him. We have worked our way through general ordeals of life but in terms of our actual relationship there have never been “ups and downs”.

If your relationship is this exhausting only 3 years in then I think you need to leave. Do not marry this man. But I think you already know that you shouldn’t.

Perhaps he's bi or gay or confused or having difficulty coming to terms with any of it. You say sex seems forced and that you've had quite a few relationship problems and he's avoiding talking about it now. He should be reassuring you really.
I'd postpone getting married. You can't leave this unresolved. I'm really sorry you're going through this. Went through a similar experience with a bf who denied he was gay but was always making remarks to gay friends of mine that you would only make if you were gay yourself. Never admitted it and went on to marry a woman and has never come out as far as I know. When I looked back I realised all the signs had been there quite early on.

I would not marry him, I'd move on, he's gay and trying to deny it to himself or others. X

My husband of 10 years (and partner of 20) does make me consistently happy as in I feel really happy and safe in our relationship and have never worried he has cheated on me. If we've ever had a bump in our relationship (usually from taking each other for granted a little bit) we've been able to sit down and talk about it maybe had a little cry, but had a healthy discussion no shouting or screaming or name calling and come to a resolution that has lead to an improved relationship. Eg lets make an effort to go out on dates.

If you seriously don't trust him, he gaslights you and shuts down conversations I don't think I would be comfortable continuing the relationship. You aren't married and you don't have kids and you're still very young so don't worry about "the sunk cost fallacy" just because you've been together several years. I certainly would not be comfortable with the kissing nor the hand holding/touching someone else whilst I was kissing my husband

Big hugs OP.

Leaya

There is so much here. Please take time to believe your gut and feel where that takes you. Then make a plan.

I can't read all the comments to the end but have got the gist - and do think you need to take Tandoya's concerns of homophobia out of it. There is no place for more confusion in your mind right now.

So many things you say resonate (or more accurately perfectly reflect) my recent experience with a boyfriend of 2 years. We just split up a month ago. See my post on active bisexuality in relationships. I chose to go after months of confusion and hurt. Moods, hot and cold, mixed messages but also so much good.

It's gut wrenching to find out someone might not be what you want them to be - especially based on what they told you they were and what they want to be (straight).

You are not stupid. You are not confused. You are brilliant and your gut feeling about this is a red flag - but understandably one that you don't want to see. Because you love him.

I took 9 months. It just ended up hurting more. He edged from I'm bisexual and it doesn't affect you to 6 months later, actually I do want to sleep with men. Is that ok? I actually considered it. I am open minded but have children, and didn't want that for them - or me - as a "new family" ultimately! And sonnow we are over (I also found a spreadsheet marking me out of ten and comparing me to his wife (who died) which made it pretty clear he is not measuring worth to him emotionally but on his varying needs (wears stockings, on with him being bisexual etc etc).

There has been lie after lie. Gently and with good reason - each of which I demonstrated huge sympathy and patience with. Partly because I was going through an awful divorce and didn't have energy or headspace for more, and partly because I loved him and he told me he loved me - and was so gentle and the antithesis of my ex who was raging and trying to break me (or so it seemed) that I loved my time with him and hid head in the sand.

I know nothing about this stuff but it does sound to me like he is defensive and becoming toxic - and this could be because of guilt. Who knows why and it doesn't really matter why because the point in all of this is he should make you happy, not confused and insecure. So whatever he is or isn't, he is probably not right or good for you.

So don't waste another second. I am older and won't get a chance to meet anyone else but U'm not angry. Equally I realise he wasted my time in his selfishness (at worst) or inability to admit himself (at best) so please don't waste yours. You're young still, your dc will accept another daddy if that's what you want or need. Or just you as a strong mum. You actually sound stronger without him imho. Maybe make that choice for your kid and then see what happens once you have had time alone and got stronger boundaries. Anyway, these are all big thoughts and terrifying.

So here's one simple one. Do NOT let him make you feel shit. Love yourself and design him out of your sense of worth. That's the first step, regardless of whether you stay or go and what he is or isn't.

Much love.