Aibu to consider this cheating?

[Leaya]

So back when me and dp got together I asked him about his past experiences/kisses. He told me he kissed a close guy friend called Jack in a light hearted I love you man kind of way. I laughed about it, found it abit odd but harmless and that was that.

Well carrying on to now. We have been having intimacy issues so maybe I've become particularly sensitive towards this (no sex life) but yesterday we spoke about the kiss with Jack again after I found out they used to go out together on what sounded like dates. I joked to dp that taking each other to 5 star restaurants up in the big city then going out for the day was something I'd do with a date. I wasn't being serious until we got onto the topic of the kiss and dp said it happened when Him and Jack where away together on a lads holiday. This holiday happened when we was together.

I said to dp but you told me it happened before we got together to which dp said no i never said that. Things got abit weird. I then said fine I guess I can go and kiss my close friend too and he said he was fine with that (my close friend is male). I found it even stranger that he is now presumably okay with me kissing someone else.

This kiss was just a peck apparently but how am I to know when he lied about the timing of it. My gut has been telling me some thing is up with dp because he had become distant physically and emotionally from me but dp has been swearing blind it's just the stress of our house move and he still loves me.

His friend is bi so I don't know. If it was two straight guys kissing then okay sure it was just friendly but everyone knows Jack likes men as well. Including dp. Also according to dp this kiss came along after Jack declared how happy he was for dp to have found me...

Just all abit odd.

I also remember this time when I was in the new stages of dating dp and we was in a cab with Jack in the back. We was all drunk. Me and dp were making out and I could recall (was really drunk so memory is hazy) dp holding Jack's hand or Jack's hand around dp.

Something just doesn't feel right about all of this but maybe I am looking into it too much. I confided in a guy friend and his first reaction was oh is dp bi. So is it not normal to kiss a friend and wasn't it wrong considering we was together at that point. Please help my head is a mess.

Yabu it was a harmless peck

Yanbu it was cheating

@Oreosareawful But that's the thing Jack isn't straight which is why I feel like it's cheating

I mean who says wow im so happy you are finally in a relationship let me show that by kissing you

You have talked about a kiss that happened 3 years ago

What is your relationship like right now?
Sounds like there are wider concerns and the past kiss is feeding into this.

How is is behaviour with you generally? Does he act like a friend or your lover/partner? Are there times when you don't know where he is or there are random texts and weak excuses?

@Leaya it sounds stressful and that deep down you know something is wrong. I have been with DP nearly 4 years now and the sex hasn't dried up, nor is he cold or distant. I have 3dc and we both work FT stressful jobs too. I wouldn't say it is typical for sex to dry up at this stage.

So sorry you are feeling ill and poorly with it. It shouldn't make you feel like that.

@Tistheseason17 as I said we have no sex life and he had distanced himself. But he is working on it as he said it was just stress related and not personal to me. He has been better but sometimes it feels forced

I'm sorry OP.
It reads to me as he wanted to mention this kiss with Jack, probably because he feels guilty about it (as others have said, straight guys don't tend to kiss each other) and perhaps thought he'd feel better if he told you. It would be weird for two guys to kiss each other in the context you describe. Presumably he feels guilty that he's feeling confused about his sexuality/possible feelings for Jack. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or care about you, but it certainly isn't fair on you. I dated a bi guy when I was young, before he came out as bi, and he messed me around quite a bit- I now realise he was struggling coming to terms with his sexuality. If your partner was very inexperienced before meeting you and Jack, it could be a similar situation. I hope you have friends and family around you, particularly with your baby. Do you think he would consider couples therapy?

Surely the real issue is your lack of sex life in the here and now. Imaging if it wasn't Jack but Jackie, and your husband had kissed her 3 years ago.

Now that obviously would have been in the cheating spectrum, and you would've had had to decide whether it was a deal breaker. But even if you want to power through and work things out, the problem is your current intimacy issues.

Do you see that getting better? Why are they there in the first place?

That's what you have to sort out now.

Actually, you haven't answered what I asked, which is fine. There are periods where I am stressed and not having sex but I still remain close to my DH and you can feel intimately close without sex. I.e. we still feel like romantic partners.

Also, how long has it been like this?

Had a friend who was love bombed - then he became distant. Turned out he just wanted to marry a girl for the image of hetero family man. He's gay, they're divorced.

What support/treatment is he getting?

Men don’t kiss their mates for a laugh or in an ‘I love you, man’ way. Sorry, doesn’t happen.

It’s something women might be more comfortable with for a dare or something, but not men. I might get people disagreeing and accusing me of stereotyping or whatever, but in my experience it’s true.

If men aren’t gay or bi they won’t willingly kiss/peck another man.

I would never kiss one of my mates, whether joking, drunk or sober. And certainly no way kiss one who was gay.

Oh OP I think you are getting some really terrible input here. A drunken peck with a close male friend 3 years ago should not be stressing you now , especially at such a vulnerable time.
certainly on its own, it’s nothing to worry about at all, and I personally wouldn’t give it a second thought.

Congrats on your DC and engagement 😍.

if you have other concerns about the relationship- eg lack of intimacy, maybe focus on getting advice about those?

No sex life, he's distant, he hadn't had any previous partners including kissing.

I want to be kind as I understand your position, but I would bet a lot of money on him being gay and struggling/trying to hide it.

And an actual peck, like a 'European hello' peck, wouldn't even be worth mentioning. It was more than that.

Please be gentle with me I've just had our first dc

This may be a reason for a current lack of sex life. How recently?
We had no sex life for at least 3 months after first dc. By choice, for both of us.
Well, not exactly by choice, but neither of us felt up to it.

I was wondering this too. Its been over 6 months for us! (Baby born end of last year 😅)

It's hard to say without knowing them, but based on what you've said, it really sounds like your DP is at least bi, maybe gay. Whatever it is, it sounds like he has (or had) feelings for Jack.

Straight men in the UK don’t kiss their mates unless they’re gay. I think Italian men occasionally give each other quick friendly peck though.

Anyway. We can’t know for certain OP what ia going on with your DP. But never having kissed a girl before you, having kissed a bisexual guy, hugging that guy while snogging you and now your sex life having died - these are all worrying signs that your DP might be gay or bi and in denial about it which (google is my husband gay) is more common than you’d think.

The weirdest thing is him now claiming that the kiss happened while you were together, yet previously saying it happened before yoj got together. My guess (just a guess) is that he’s kissed Jack more than once and is getting mixed up.

The individual parts of the picture - the fact it was ‘just a peck’, the dates, the fact that Jack is bi, his current lack of interest in sex - are all fine on their own but taken together the picture is worrying and point to some kind of emotional affair with Jack.

My suggestion is marriage counselling to unpack this. I don’t think yoj should ignore it because it would be extremely annoying to spend a decade or two with your DP and then find out he’s gay.

You are engaged to be married yet your sex life is dead. Is it a temporary blip after a child or something more fundamental ?

People can be bi and happily settled in a faithful relationship. I know one person whose early sexual encounters were largely some sex but eventually married someone of the opposite sex and has been faithful (as far as I know, and I know them very well) for over 40 years.

The important things here aren't the sex of someone he kissed or even when he kissed them. What's important is you doubt him and don't trust him. As long as you have those doubts you won't be happy with him. I think you need counselling.

I wouldn't be bothered about a peck on the lips. I wouldn't consider it cheating. However,I think your OH is on the closet. In some cultures its safer to live a lie, get married, have kids and hide yourself away. Coming out can be dangerous in some circles. Alternatively, he is just in denial.

it was just a drunken soppy bromance kiss

Fella's don't don't this. I can't imagine any circumstances where this would happen innocently.

To me it sounds like he was kissed, not that he kissed the guy. With a peck you don't really get the chance to kiss back. Maybe his gay friend was a bit drunk and testing the waters to see if your partner was interested?

I have been "pecked" by a guy friend once when in my current relationship. He was a bit drunk and kissed a bunch people. I told my partner and we never brought it up again.

I couldn't get worked up about a one time peck that came from the other party. As long as it was that one time I would let it go.

You keep saying it was a peck OP, but how do you know that it was just a peck?! You weren't there. You don't know anything other than what he had told you. He already lied about when it happened, why would he not lie about what actually happened. I would bet all my money on it having been a full on snog, and your DP is massively playing it down.

This is MN so of course he must be in the closet. I've kissed 3 of my best female friends two of whom are now married to women, full on snogs, one planted a large peck on me on my wedding day standing next to DH. Granted this was before DH and was largely the drunken shenanigans of youth, drinking games and so on, but I'm definitely not gay. I've also been to some amazing places with these women, concerts, nice restaurants, art galleries, museums, holidays. They weren't dates. We've shared beds and nothing untoward had ever been hinted at let alone happened. I think this is for some reason seen as more acceptable for women.
You're feeling vulnerable having just had a baby, take a breath and find out more before getting riled up by strangers online.

If it's your thing OP watch this week's episode of Bernie deck sailing yacht, you'll see two straight guys and a drunken bromance kiss

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