Aibu to consider this cheating?

[Leaya]

So back when me and dp got together I asked him about his past experiences/kisses. He told me he kissed a close guy friend called Jack in a light hearted I love you man kind of way. I laughed about it, found it abit odd but harmless and that was that.

Well carrying on to now. We have been having intimacy issues so maybe I've become particularly sensitive towards this (no sex life) but yesterday we spoke about the kiss with Jack again after I found out they used to go out together on what sounded like dates. I joked to dp that taking each other to 5 star restaurants up in the big city then going out for the day was something I'd do with a date. I wasn't being serious until we got onto the topic of the kiss and dp said it happened when Him and Jack where away together on a lads holiday. This holiday happened when we was together.

I said to dp but you told me it happened before we got together to which dp said no i never said that. Things got abit weird. I then said fine I guess I can go and kiss my close friend too and he said he was fine with that (my close friend is male). I found it even stranger that he is now presumably okay with me kissing someone else.

This kiss was just a peck apparently but how am I to know when he lied about the timing of it. My gut has been telling me some thing is up with dp because he had become distant physically and emotionally from me but dp has been swearing blind it's just the stress of our house move and he still loves me.

His friend is bi so I don't know. If it was two straight guys kissing then okay sure it was just friendly but everyone knows Jack likes men as well. Including dp. Also according to dp this kiss came along after Jack declared how happy he was for dp to have found me...

Just all abit odd.

I also remember this time when I was in the new stages of dating dp and we was in a cab with Jack in the back. We was all drunk. Me and dp were making out and I could recall (was really drunk so memory is hazy) dp holding Jack's hand or Jack's hand around dp.

Something just doesn't feel right about all of this but maybe I am looking into it too much. I confided in a guy friend and his first reaction was oh is dp bi. So is it not normal to kiss a friend and wasn't it wrong considering we was together at that point. Please help my head is a mess.

Yabu it was a harmless peck

Yanbu it was cheating

A peck on the lips if just a friend would be fine, it's the context that matters. A kiss on the cheek but in a more intimate way would be worse. It really depends if he's telling the truth/if you believe him.

The thing is that women are generally more tactile and do kiss each other to say hello etc, it is more unusual for men to do that, that said I am involved with a sports team and the men often give each other a kiss in a jokey way, they are definitely not gay or bi.

The fact that he mentioned it as being a past kiss to me sounds like there is more to it. I wouldn't think to mention me kissing my girl friends in a friendly hello/goodbye manner.

If he has got to 23 without ever kissing anyone I would assume he isn't very sexually motivated.

I think the fact he was open about it and volunteered it shows it meant nothing. I think if he was in the closet, he probably would have kept it to himself.

I agree with this.

I’m a ‘closeted’ bisexual and have had kisses (and more) with women many, many years ago and bar a few of my very, very closest friends, I have told nobody. My DH doesn’t know and never will. I don’t talk about it beciase I don’t want people to know. It’s really is that simple.

If he secretly had feelings towards men, and wanted it kept that way, then I’m pretty certain he wouldn’t have offered up this information.

If he’s openly joked with you about it then I’m pretty sure it was just an innocent, stupid drunken incident.

I think men kissing their friends happens more often than people think, and those declaring he MUST be gay and NO men do this are simplifying things.
Some men do.
A friend of mine caught a load of shit from his then-partner because he had kissed his male best friend as a teenager (both men identify as straight but kissed on more than one occasion).

Its a little different because you were together, but he says he’s not interested in men and it was a peck.

Its up to you, OP. But I think deciding FOR him that he’s gay/bi isn’t helpful. He has said he isn’t and you either believe him or you don’t.

I wouldn’t consider this cheating.

I know many people who kiss on the lips when they’re sober and twice as many who do it when they’re drunk.

The ‘dates’ also sound like something I would do with my girlfriends so there’s nothing untoward there if they are just friends.

I personally don’t think these two are having a relationship.
I don’t think he would have told you about the kiss otherwise and he’s not secretive about his friend.

However there are obviously some underlying issues here which you need to work through.

Why don’t you have a sex life?
Do you think he is seeing someone else?

I mean I’m not surprised he reacted like this. You do sound quite homophobic, and it would be upsetting from his perspective.

I couldn't possibly know because I wasn't there!

The story has changed from it happening before we was together to happening when we was together

To now it being he didn't just kiss dp he kissed another friend

I don't appreciate dp attacking me and calling me all sorts of names though. If he isn't gay that is that but he doesn't need to call me crazy in the process. Given the circumstances I think I have every reason to raise an eyebrow and his reaction is uncalled for and making me doubt him more

@Tandora how do I sound homophobic? I'm just echoing what pps have said on here to dp. I came on here for advice and perspective and I've taken it onboard.

Guy or girl I don't want my partner kissing someone else when we are together. Joke or not.

What circumstances though ?? I don’t think you have a reason to ask him if he’s gay (the man you are engaged to , the father of your child) because of a peck kiss with a close friend three years ago. It’s absurd. I’m not surprised he’s responded defensively.

Do see the hills? Run......

@Tandora majority of posters on here seems to not agree with you and thinks otherwise. So who am I to listen to here. There are other reasons why I feel this way but I don't want to list them. I don't feel like dp is attracted to me and the only time he has sex with me is when he is horny. I don't think I do anything for him and it makes me feel like a sex doll. I have caught him staring at guys and gay guys check him out all the time

Now with all this it seems to be pointing towards one thing.

This is a major thing for me as this is my life at stake here. But I can't ignore my gut feeling and I'm not going to believe dp who is trying to claim the cab incident never happened when I know it did.

At this point I trust me more than dp. Because he hasnt proven to be very trust worthy for other reasons and i know if it came down to losing his family he would put himself first rather than being honest.

Do you think he likes 'wrong footing you' making you feel uneasy? Make you question stuff , possibly deflecting the actual issue ?

@Badfootkk i know he is obviously deflecting. I just don't know what it is. Another major thing for me is I caught his porn history and it was all anal sex related. He has a massive ass obsession and usually only my ass gets him turned on. I know from an outside perspective it seems like nothing and I thought so too until other things started happening and now it just feels like a piece of a puzzle to a bigger picture

You are homophobic (as are so many comments on this thread) because you have reacted so strongly / defensively to the idea that your (male) partner had a quick peck with a close male friend. You keep saying it’s “weird”,
so much so that you have leapt to the conclusion that he might be closeted bi! As if any expression of intimacy between two men must be censured/ feared/ mean that they are hiding something/ gay.
You have directly confronted him about his sexuality, which is rude and offensive and then taken his defensive reaction as further proof his is secretly gay.
You have also said that you are
particularly wound up about this kiss because jack is bi and that you wouldn’t be so bothered if he were a straight guy. so you assume that - because he is bi - he is not to be trusted, must have sexual intentions towards your DP, whereas I’m sure he’s just as capable as having plutonic relationships with men and women like any other person!

In your head treat it like it was a woman

how do you feel about it now?

honest conversation and discussion

if he can’t do that you consider breaking up

Was his porn history women or men? That’s all you need to know really. The interest in anal has nothing to do with it.

@Tandora you are obviously just going to keep reading into my replies and reading what you want out of it.

But actually I didn't confront my partner about his sexuality but I confronted him about how I felt this kiss was inappropriate given we was together at the time. Again if it was a girl it would be wrong friend or not so dp doesn't get to be off the hook because it is a guy.

As I said there are other reasons why I suspect he is hiding something from me and if you would take the time to read my replies maybe you would see where I am coming from and that this isn't just about a kiss which again regardless of gender or sexual orientation shouldn't of happened!!

@Tandora i don't know i didn't get to see. He freaked when I found out and wiped it clean. Again acting like he had something to hide

I too think he is gay.

I hear you op. It's not about all that. It's about you know something is off, not right and you want to now what !

** Know!!

Unless your DP pecked Jack's pecker, I wouldn't be overly concerned.
Some people are sexually fluid and it's really not an issue if someone is bi: I am and I'm perfectly capable of a committed relationship.
What does seem to be of concern is that you feel your DP is possibly feigning making an effort as it feels forced? THAT would make me insecure and anxious, as well!

I have no clue about this specific scenario sorry OP, but I'm shocked by the insistence that straight male friends never, ever kiss. I have a large extended group of friends that DH and I go out with (or at least used to until we had our baby last year!), with about 10 men - I can think of many a time when drinks have been had that one would give another a big smooch on the lips as a sort-of-joke-sort-of-serious-emotional-moment, usually after some sort of emotional conversation. I mean, not like a make-out session with tongues involved or anything, but certainly a big ol' "peck".

Surely not all of these men in my circle are secretly gay?! 🤣

There are other reasons why I feel this way but I don't want to list them. I don't feel like dp is attracted to me and the only time he has sex with me is when he is horny. I don't think I do anything for him and it makes me feel like a sex doll.

You are not happy and this relationship is not working.

I don’t think he sounds gay but him being attracted to men or women is irrelevant.