Massive argument with boyfriend - was I unreasonable?

[SarahLooo124]

Hello,
We've been together 4 years, hardly argue and overall very happy together.

Last night, he had to go to hospital (nothing serious, but he felt some pain in his stomach area); I'd never been to A and E before so I didn't realise just how long waiting times were apart from what I hear on the news.
So I waited in the car as he said he'll be about 2 hours and i wasn't allowed to sit in with him (fair enough)<. 6 hours later, it's 11:30pm,I'm still waiting in the car, haven't eaten since breakfast, and my phone was about to die.

I quickly rang him asking how long he'll be and he said he doesn't know. For some reason I snapped on the phone and said (I admit in a bitchy way) that he'll have to come back on his own tomorrow then as I can't wait in this car any longer.

2 minutes later, he comes running to the car saying he was just about to see the Dr but he had to tell the Dr he had to go and the Dr was worried about his stomach. He called me an autistic bitch because I didn't just get out the car and walk to the cafe in the hospital and that I make everything complicated and he feels like my babysitter. (I'm not autistic btw).

I snapped back that it was his idea for me to come and that he said I could wait with him, and if I'd have known it'd be sitting in a car, I'd have waited in the house.

This was in quite shouty voices.

But I feel absolutely awful that he has to go back tonight. I look back and think I could've just carried on waiting in the car but in the moment, I just snapped.

Well I guess that would have been the time to tell Op that the Dr was about to see him!

He changed his mind on a whim when going shopping to go to a&e, and told you to wait in the car.

No emergency whatsoever.
But happily thought he'd be in and out and you should while away your time.

Is he usually such a selfish arse?

6 hours in the car? No wonder you snapped.

I think the argument was born of frustration but he's some twat for dragging you into something so unnecessarily.

You should have driven obviously.
But he just decides to change his mind mid journey and screw you.

Who the hell gets out of an emerging room in two hours for a non emergency.

You have my sympathy OP.

You were unreasonable to wait for him in the first place. You should have dropped him off and he could ring when needing picking up. It was never going to be two hours and could have been 12 or he could even have been admitted.

Doesn’t sound very aspirational-the name calling and arguing, but you’ve each apologised, so what were you hoping for from this thread?

How is an ‘irritating’ sore tummy an issue for accident and emergency though?

I find it very hard to believe that after waiting 6 hours he walked out when the doctor was standing in front of him saying that he, the doctor, was very worried about the pain, especially given that the doctor hadn't even had time to examine him; bit of guilt tripping going on there from the sound of it.

This is insane.

If it was a non-emergency, he shouldn't have been in A&E in the first place.

But if it was an emergency, you shouldn't have told him to leave, and he shouldn't have left and then guilt-tripped you.

But regardless of whether it was an emergency or not, you should have just made your own way home, by taxi or public transport or whatever. There was never any need for you to wait for him for even 1 hour, let alone 6hrs.

It sounds like you both need to grow up.

and that I make everything complicated and he feels like my babysitter.

Then why is he with you I wonder?

He's the idiot who didn't think to take you home before going to A&E or to tell you that the Dr was about to see him but came running out instead!

Why do people keep saying bollocks like this? One day dh was driving home from work and got a pain in his chest, he diverted to a&e he had a pulmonary embolism. I was having a miscarriage I felt hot and sick, I just knew something wasn't right, so I drove to hospital. I had sepsis. A&e doesn't mean you have to be unconscious.

I agree.

It’s very dangerous for so many posters to say that if he can drive or has had the pain before then it’s not an emergency.

If posters think he was in the wrong then that’s fine (not sure how) but please do not say he shouldn’t have gone to A&E at that moment as you have no idea.

I’m glad when I was having pains in my side I didn’t start a thread on here as I would have ended up dead.

I had been having the pains for a while, had been seen by doctors and I drove myself to A&E. I also had at least a 4 hour wait in A&E.
But I was admitted straight away and was told that if I had left it another day I may not have survived.

I think personally as soon as they told me earlier in the evening I couldn't wait inside the hospital I would have called an uber/taxi/bus and gone home. But hindsight is a wonderful thing. I do think you made a really bad decision sitting out there for some many hours and then being cross with him for that but it's done now. I am so impatient I would have lost my mind after 2 hours so I totally understand why you snapped.

I can see that you would have had to go and see him before you left as you had the keys so you needed to give them to him before leaving so he could drive home.

But that seems unlikely as wouldn't he need to keep topping up the payment point.

I'd have gone in to speak to him anyway, the staff may not allow you to sit there but surely one can go and communicate with one's partner.

@KettrickenSmiled 100% agreed. He did not need to be there; it’s inappropriate to attend a&e because something is “niggling” you and you’re struggling to get a GP appointment. If the doctor was genuinely worried he wouldn’t have sat there for six hours.
this whole thing is ridiculous.

Many a mickle makes a muck up.

You're right, I wouldn't have been happy waiting in a car that long.

Which is why I wouldn't have done it

I'd have made sure he got into the A&E building safely, and then left and gone home, straight away. B taxi or public transport or whatever was available.

A&E waits are never short, and it was clear from the start that there was no benefit at all in the OP being there. She couldn't wait with him, she couldn't drive him home afterwards, so why on earth would she hang around and waste her day?

OP with the best will in the world you do seem a bit lacking in common sense and initiative. You just sat there for 6 hours not eating and running down your battery watching you tube. Then when it’s late and dark and your battery is about to die you became panicked. I understand that but I don’t understand why your self preservation instinct and forethought didn’t kick in a lot earlier
I.e text or call him after two hours to say you’re locking up the car and going to get food and wait at home , then leaving the car keys at the front desk for him or something like that.
Why did you sit for so long in an unfolding distressing situation until it became impossible without doing anything to help yourself?
He shouldn’t have called you what he did and he needs to apologise for that as it’s offensive. I’m guessing it was his crass way of saying you have rigid and inflexible thinking and from what I’ve read here it does seem you do (?) and I do mean that in a genuine way. In any case it’s still not acceptable to use ableist language to insult his girlfriend. I am a bit perplexed by your own passivity in the situation. I think this is why pp have asked you if you’re young etc. You’re behaviour does seem a bit strange for an adult woman without any additional needs.

He's the idiot who didn't think to take you home before going to A&E

The OP is a grown woman. She shouldn't need to be taken home, she should be capable of doing that herself.

Yes, this. Check your own policy for future reference.

Agreed.

Completely unbelievable.

How old are you? You sound incapable of looking after or feeding yourself to be honest.

Everyone knows you have to wait hours at A&E.

I make everything complicated and he feels like my babysitter.

I can see his point, to be honest.

I hope he's OK and his medical situation is resolved. I think you need a massive change of attitude.

A&E waits are never short, and it was clear from the start that there was no benefit at all in the OP being there. She couldn't wait with him, she couldn't drive him home afterwards, so why on earth would she hang around and waste her day?

Because she is a people pleaser who does what her b/f orders.
And because he is a selfish tosser.

I think you were reasonable actually. The fact he was in two minds to go shows it wasn’t an emergency, and he came home and was fine until the next day. He should have called 111, he was waiting so long because they triage actual emergencies, which he was not. The fact you had planned to drop him off but he changed it, pretty much leaving you stranded. It was evening, the cafe in our hospital is 8-5 so not guaranteed it’s open (I would have assumed not if it was me in the car). Issues in our local hospital carparks have been cars smashed up, frequent muggings and I think I read someone had been raped.

After then sitting in a car for so long he called you a name that is a term that shouldn’t be derogatory but he clearly thinks it is. He is obviously more important than everyone else and I bet he is never wrong. If you had waited longer and your phone died what would he have expected you do? Sleep in the freezing car for a week with no contact if he was admitted? Sit scared for an unknown amount of time?

I am a bit perplexed by your own passivity in the situation. I think this is why pp have asked you if you’re young etc. You’re behaviour does seem a bit strange for an adult woman without any additional needs.

It does, @RadiantFem, but it's commensurate of the behaviour of a woman in a coercively controlling relationship/

Whether OP is in such a relationship is hard to say from this brief & confusing snapshot.
But who decides to visit A&E on a whim, then had their partner the keys to a car they cannot drive, expecting them to wait on his convenience like a 17th century vassal waiting on her lord?

But what was stopping her from at least going to get herself food?

I've worked in hospitals - they've all had shops selling snacks and cafes/canteens of some description. What was stopping the OP from going and feeding herself?

So do I. I wouldn't be impressed with a sudden out the blue plan to visit A&E and volunteer me to sit with them. I'd be asking to be dropped home first please or drop me at a bus stop.

Who the fuck takes shit like phone chargers to the supermarket?
next time he can go on his own and if he calls you names like that again ,I'd be telling him to fuck off.

had their partner
HAND their partner

His autistic comment was unacceptable, completely out of line and disgusting. It's only made marginally better by the fact you're not autistic.

In what way is it better?

Its not, its worse, much worse.

I'm autistic. Saying it to me could be showing ableist frustration at what I can and can't cope with, but to an NT person?

Nah, that's nasty. Using a disability as an insult is never never ok.