Massive argument with boyfriend - was I unreasonable?

[SarahLooo124]

Hello,
We've been together 4 years, hardly argue and overall very happy together.

Last night, he had to go to hospital (nothing serious, but he felt some pain in his stomach area); I'd never been to A and E before so I didn't realise just how long waiting times were apart from what I hear on the news.
So I waited in the car as he said he'll be about 2 hours and i wasn't allowed to sit in with him (fair enough)<. 6 hours later, it's 11:30pm,I'm still waiting in the car, haven't eaten since breakfast, and my phone was about to die.

I quickly rang him asking how long he'll be and he said he doesn't know. For some reason I snapped on the phone and said (I admit in a bitchy way) that he'll have to come back on his own tomorrow then as I can't wait in this car any longer.

2 minutes later, he comes running to the car saying he was just about to see the Dr but he had to tell the Dr he had to go and the Dr was worried about his stomach. He called me an autistic bitch because I didn't just get out the car and walk to the cafe in the hospital and that I make everything complicated and he feels like my babysitter. (I'm not autistic btw).

I snapped back that it was his idea for me to come and that he said I could wait with him, and if I'd have known it'd be sitting in a car, I'd have waited in the house.

This was in quite shouty voices.

But I feel absolutely awful that he has to go back tonight. I look back and think I could've just carried on waiting in the car but in the moment, I just snapped.

The peculiar habits & responses engendered by a long period of coercive control?

There's not really enough to go on to point the finger definitively, but nothing else makes sense to me, @Octomore

He was BVU to say what he called you. Just want to point that out first.
However you were also BU. He was in A and E. He didn't go for drinks with the lads and expect you to wait. He could be ill or need treatment. Yes it was silly to expect 2 hours.
In your shoes I wouldn't texted and said I'm off (if you can't drive the car you could take a little walk to find a cafe/chippy) to get some food. Not eating from breakfast is a you problem. It's not his fault.

I think the good thing is you have recognised your wrong but i think what needs addressing is what he said during the argument ‘he feels like your babysitter’
couples argue its nothing new and you were both stressed, hungry and irritated but you need to address the underlining issues in your relationship

I would say that everyone sucks here really. He shouldn't have made you go with him, he should have thought about you as time was ticking on. You should have acted sooner and talked to him sensibly.

But as he used the term autistic as an insight he's clearly deeply unpleasant so he is being unreasonable and personally I'd dump him for that. It says so much about him.

Insult. Not insight. Bloody phone

I had been having the pains for a while, had been seen by doctors and I drove myself to A&E. I also had at least a 4 hour wait in A&E.
But I was admitted straight away and was told that if I had left it another day I may not have survived.

Yes, this is correct and case in point though. You drive yourself under the expectation it was a serious matter and you would not be popping into A&E and then back out in a couple of hours and merrily driving home. It was serious and you were admitted. I have a colleague who drove themselves to A&E while having a heart attack. He had no expectation he would be popping in and then back out a few hours later to drive back home. This is completely different to OPs partner who had an issue he assumed would be a quick in and out, therefore how serious could he have thought it was, hardly life-threatening?

Because she is a people pleaser who does what her b/f orders.

Lol even though it was her who ordered him to leave A&E to drive her home and he did it straight away.

I can’t see how he’s the controlling one in that scenario.

What sort of prick uses autism as a slur. I'd have told him to fuck right off

His comment was vile but you behaved appallingly.

I really don’t understand why you couldn’t go inside/get a taxi/just wait! It’s not ideal but it’s a one off.

Christ alive its full of cranks on here today.

I don't think either of you behaved great but he's in pain and in hospital and you're tired and hungry so both of you were bound to snap.

I wouldn't have wanted to get a taxi home on my own late with barely any battery either so I am with you there.

I hope you both managed to sort it between you and that he feels better soon

You drive yourself under the expectation it was a serious matter and you would not be popping into A&E and then back out in a couple of hours and merrily driving home.

I thought I’d go in there and they’d tell me to stop wasting their time.
No way did I think I would be admitted else I would have at least brought a drink with me.

OP said it was the nurse who said it would only be a couple of hours waiting, in front of OP.

OP hearing this, chose to stay which I would have too but as the time went on she could have chosen to get herself home. Not said he needed to leave just to take her home.

OP I've only read your comments. I would be totally stressed in a car in the dark on my own for 6 hours and I would have snapped. I don't believe him when he said he was just about to see the doctor, if he was he would have stayed and dealt with the consequences later. I don't like how he spoke to you calling you a bitch. There is no excuse for abuse, a poorly tummy doesn't mean you can be his verbal punch bag.
If you are normally passive then he is not used to you sticking up for yourself. All seems a bit of a red flag to me. I wonder if he will throw this back in your face next time he has stomach pains and blame you for not being seen that time at A and E. That would be another red flag.

If that was his expectation then that was very unreasonable.
Good point about it perhaps being a coercively controlling relationship…… would explain the freeze response and passivity

Some posters on Mumsnet need to blame the man, whatever the circumstances.

Yes, had a similar sort of thing, with a recurring heart problem.

I rang 111 and they told me to take myself to A&E.

However, didn't want to risk collapsing driving while driving so took a cab (have collapsed with it in the past, but fortunately not while driving).

I was in and out in less than 2 hours, all thorough tests conducted, because it was an emergency and they saw me immediately.

Agree, sounds like the OP's partner had no need to be in A&E so just decided, after making OP wait in the car for 6 hours, to go home.

I know exactly what you mean. I wouldn't be happy to stay in the car for six hours and then later in the dark. That's not safe.

Your partner should have been more grateful that you'd come and apologetic that you had to wait in the car. Verbally abusing you is unacceptable. Illness or not, treating you like this isn't right.

Lol he came RUNNING out of A&E with a pathetic fabrication about a doctor, then chose to leave. Probably because he was bored now, & it suited him to go home AND THEN GO TO WORK ALL DAY TODAY before popping back to A&E tonight ...

Entitlement is one of the traits of the controlling personality.

There's probably not much point commenting on this thread as it'll get buried in the bullshit, but I didn't want to just read and go.
I'm an adult. If I can walk into hospital unaided then I don't expect someone to hang around for hours, as if their life is on pause because I'm not currently gracing them with my presence.
I was hospitalised last week, in pain etc and I told DH I was happy for him to go home. (Surgery was postponed so I was only in for a few hours in the end)
Your frustration was understandable, you've already apologised.
I hope your DP gets an answer soon.

@SarahLooo124 sounds like he didn’t A&E if a) you weren’t worried enough to wait and b) he was well enough to run out and go home and come back again the next day.
some growing up needs doing I think

Lol he came RUNNING out of A&E with a pathetic fabrication about a doctor, then chose to leave. Probably because he was bored now, & it suited him to go home AND THEN GO TO WORK ALL DAY TODAY before popping back to A&E tonight ...

He didn’t choose to leave.
Read it again.

OP told him he had to leave and come back the next day.
As for some reason she was unable to get a bus, taxi or lift home by herself. So he had to drive her.

What person waits 6 HOURS in A&E just to go and do it the following day. Knowing it’s going to be at least another 6 hour wait.
Come on now.

@Bentoforthehorde maybe RTFT OP chose to stay as the nurse said it would only be a couple of hours.

She could have left at any time but she chose not to.

Someone who doesn't need to be in A&E maybe.

Thanks to everyone who commented and gave some great advice and constructive criticism. I have taken it on board and how i can maybe "improve" the way I deal with things in the future.
I admit I struggle with things not going to plan and, I don't know why, but my brain saw no other alternative than to sit in the car last night.
Now people have mentioned cafe or vending machines in the hospital, it probably would have mad more sense.

Thanks for taking the time to comment, I really appreciate it. I probably won't be returning to this thread unless something else happens which needs an update.

Thank you allxx

And he could have chosen not to run out of A&E after waiting 6 hours just because his girlfriend got annoyed from the carpark. What did he think she was going to do if he said no? Come in and drag him out?

What person waits 6 HOURS in A&E just to go and do it the following day.
Someone who goes to A&E on a whim.
Someone who is well enough to be at work today, but has already scheduled another whimsical visit to A&E tonight.

He didn't get seen yesterday because the triage team didn't deem him at risk.