Massive argument with boyfriend - was I unreasonable?

[SarahLooo124]

Hello,
We've been together 4 years, hardly argue and overall very happy together.

Last night, he had to go to hospital (nothing serious, but he felt some pain in his stomach area); I'd never been to A and E before so I didn't realise just how long waiting times were apart from what I hear on the news.
So I waited in the car as he said he'll be about 2 hours and i wasn't allowed to sit in with him (fair enough)<. 6 hours later, it's 11:30pm,I'm still waiting in the car, haven't eaten since breakfast, and my phone was about to die.

I quickly rang him asking how long he'll be and he said he doesn't know. For some reason I snapped on the phone and said (I admit in a bitchy way) that he'll have to come back on his own tomorrow then as I can't wait in this car any longer.

2 minutes later, he comes running to the car saying he was just about to see the Dr but he had to tell the Dr he had to go and the Dr was worried about his stomach. He called me an autistic bitch because I didn't just get out the car and walk to the cafe in the hospital and that I make everything complicated and he feels like my babysitter. (I'm not autistic btw).

I snapped back that it was his idea for me to come and that he said I could wait with him, and if I'd have known it'd be sitting in a car, I'd have waited in the house.

This was in quite shouty voices.

But I feel absolutely awful that he has to go back tonight. I look back and think I could've just carried on waiting in the car but in the moment, I just snapped.

I haven't read the whole thread so I don't know if anyone else has said this. Why on earth after waiting so long, did he get up and leave just as he was about to be seen? Even although he had an argument with you who wasn't happy at waiting so long, I am pretty sure a simple 'that's me being seen now' would have calmed down the situation as it was the fustration of waiting so long that caused the argument in the first place. Unless of course he just said that to make you feel guilty! No way would I have left if was on brink of being seen after a long wait.

However, as you have said yourself, you were unreasonable to have snapped at him, and should have either gone to the cafe and took a taxi home and stayed in touch by phone. However, to call you an autistic bitch was well out of order. While might have had a right to be annoyed, he overreacted and should have been aware that you were frustrated too so you would both be tense and snappy. He flared up way too quickly, all he had to say on the phone was something like "calm down, I can't help it". He chose to leave, and came out in a bad mood calling you names, and for that part of it, you aren't to blame for his reaction.

You were both at fault in some way or another, but try to put it behind you. Both of you can learn something from it. Yourself to know to bring a charger and go to cafe and wait, and he needs to control his temper/reaction in an argument.

The facts the OP presented are enough to conclude he could have planned his A&E trip before going.

How do you work that one out?

They we’re having a normal day out going to the shops when he felt this pain. The pain was severe enough that he thought he should go straight to A&E and not get any of his stuff - you can’t plan that.

When they got there they thought it would only be a couple of hours which is why OP stayed - fair enough.

But then after 2/3 hours surely as a grown up you would think to yourself that your battery is running out and it’s going to get dark soon and you don’t like getting a taxi or bus in the dark.
So seeing as your bf hasn’t even been seen yet it’s probably better to go home and if he needs anything then at least you’ll be at home with your own car to pick him up if he can’t drive.

I can’t believe there are actually people blaming him for needing to go to A&E.

I don't believe that he was just about to see a Dr.

That aside, what would have been the big deal if you had left-the car would still have been there for him to get home!

@SarahLooo124 you've both done the wrong thing (starting with him dithering about A&E) and you've both apologised.

So, things to learn (having been with my mum when she's had a heart attack, collapsed due to stomach problems and had a nasty fall due to Alzheimer's - the latter two in an ambulance so no way of getting home under my own steam).

1. As you've now realised, keep a charging lead in the car that fits both mobiles. That and some change for a vending machine so you can at least get a drink.
2. Always expect a wait to be a long time - my mum was on a trolley for 24 hours before she got a bed and I couldn't leave her during that time apart from getting a quick drink and using the loo.
3. If you arrive in the light, check the bus times (if you're not in your car), buy some food at the canteen plus some to keep in the car if it's a long wait and you want to stay. I've not had to do this with Covid restrictions but I still got a drink and a bar of chocolate or a sandwich as soon as I arrived with mum whilst she was waiting. It only takes a road accident or a few very serious injuries to arrive and you'll be back of the queue.
4. As someone said the hospital will have either a list of reliable taxis or a direct dial line phone to a reliable taxi. Just ask at reception and they'll help you. By the way you may even find they have a couple of spare mobile phone chargers lying around that you can plug in at reception - it never hurts to ask if you're desperate.
5. Get the insurance sorted out. If he'd have come out after midnight saying they wanted to admit him, what would you have done? Insisted he drive you home first?
6. If you can, park as close to the hospital entrance as you can - that way you have the light and the closeness of the hospital to make you feel safer.
7. Don't run down your battery with you tube etc., Put the radio on. You can always get petrol on the way home.

I did RTFT - it doesn’t change the fact that she didn’t need to go with him. At the point he decided he was going to A&E she could have bailed.

@SarahLooo124 your OP says "I quickly rang him asking how long he'll be and he said he doesn't know. For some reason I snapped on the phone and said (I admit in a bitchy way) that he'll have to come back on his own tomorrow then as I can't wait in this car any longer.
2 minutes later, he comes running to the car saying he was just about to see the Dr but he had to tell the Dr he had to go and the Dr was worried about his stomach."

That makes no sense, surely if he was suddenly called in he would have just rung back and said he was going in. There's no real time for this to have happened, for the doctor to have said he was worried if he came out 2 minutes later and he gave you zero chance to say of course go, he told you he was still waiting.

I've never had an A&E visit go like that, you usually walk a bit with the doctor to whatever room they're working in, then discuss the issue and history and so on. If they'd been worried about him he would have been triaged to be seen earlier and he had no time to have discussed his condition further for the doctor to be worried about him.

I can’t believe there are actually people blaming him for needing to go to A&E.

I can't believe the are actually people who believe he needed to go to A&E.

He went on a whim, because he is frustrated that despite GP & private appointments, he is still getting no relief from his symptoms.

Someone who "needs A&E" isn't generally able to wait 6 hours, then run to the car park to berate & insult their g/f, then decide that the doctor they invented are just about to see isn't necessary after all, as they can just come back tomorrow.

That aside, what would have been the big deal if you had left-the car would still have been there for him to get home!

No OP told him he needed to leave A&E to drive her home and that he should go to A&E the next day instead.

@Onwards22
It is there in the first post:

He's been feeling this way for a while, and he's gone private a few times but nobody can find out what's causing it.

This was not the onset of a new, sudden, urgent pain. So he is using A&E to diagnose an ongoing issue. I am not judging that, but he could have planned this and he really did not need OP there waiting.

Why did you have to wait in the car? Why did he have to come back tomorrow? Drop him off, wait for him to call you.

He was obviously OK to drive himself there, so there was no reason for the OP to accompany him at all.

I don’t think your sound that unreasonable, just far too passive until things go to a point where your blood sugar was low, you were a bit soooked and you snapped.

His dithering about whether to go was the initial problem but I’d have said “I’ll drive anyway just in case”. Just in case he became too ill to drive for one thing.

Id also have made sure I picked up some food before committing to going to the hospital, as waits are always very long.

Afrer that Id have kept in touch within the waiting time to see how it was going and to judge if you needed to look for food / a taxi home before it got really late. In other words, don’t leave things so long you end up desperate and snapping - both of you needed to think ahead!

They we’re having a normal day out going to the shops when he felt this pain. The pain was severe enough that he thought he should go straight to A&E and not get any of his stuff - you can’t plan that.

@Onwards22

No. This was not new pain. He had spent the day thinking about if he would go to A&E or not because he wasn't getting answers from other doctors. If so, the OP was going to drop him off, then pick him up again later in her car. He decided he wasn't going to go to A&E. But then when he was driving them to get groceries in his car, he changed his mind and took them both to A&E instead and said she could wait with him and it would only be for a couple of hours.

I've only read the first post, not the follow-ups, but it just sounds like you were both really fed up and stressed and you both did and said things you didn't mean. I think you're both in the wrong really.. But also kinda understandable in the situation as it was.

You sat for 6 hours in a car and only got cheesed off when it was dark and your phone was out of power. You could have got a bus or taxi hours before.

Unless you’ve (and he) been living under a rock you were being unreasonable to think he’d be out in an hour or so and if he thought he’d be driving home it’s questionable that he needed to go to A&E in the first place.

This was not the onset of a new, sudden, urgent pain. So he is using A&E to diagnose an ongoing issue. I am not judging that, but he could have planned this and he really did not need OP there waiting.

Yes he’s been having pain for a while but the pain in that instance was enough for him to go to A&E straight away.

OP was free to have a sleep, go home, go for a walk, go to a cafe, go shopping etc etc but he had to stay in one place, with the same charge on his phone as her and in pain.

People are acting like he was at a pub having fun - he wasn’t.
He would have been way more bored and fed up than her after waiting 6 hours.

If he forced OP to stay then I’d have sympathy but she could have gone home.

I have had to go to A&E before after ongoing problems and doctors appointments and I ended up being admitted with serious kidney failure.

I don’t think it’s fair to dismiss his pain just because he’s had this pain before.

While he was wrong to call you that, it’s also not his fault you had to wait so long without food. You drove, you’re an adult. I assume you can source your own nourishment. A simple text “I’m going to find food, my battery is about to die so if I’m not back before you’re out just wait for me.” would have made this all the nicer.

It's very odd, I agree with pp on that. Deciding mid supermarket shop to go to A&E. You sitting in the car for 6 hours - you should just have gone home straight away. And yes, you could have got a cab home - gone into reception and ordered an Uber or phone the taxi line that is in most A&E reception areas.

And I don't understand his illness either really. If you need A&E, its urgent, so why is he waiting until tonight to go back? I assume he's gone to work. In which case he doesn't need A&E.

Sorry, lost track of what was what in the million posts! You didn’t drive, but the suggestion is that you are able.

Oh goodness, you and your BF were tired, hungry, ill, stressed, and you had a bit of a spat directly because of this.

You read so many things on here where the row is the tip of an iceberg of conflict, but this, genuinely, seems to be a case where a couple should just kiss and make up.

One of the things I've learned as I got older was to apologize quickly and profusely if I snap because I'm tired/peckish/wound up. Believe me, that 30 seconds of grovelling saves sooooo much time and trouble!

OP didn't drive. It's his car and she's not insured to drive it. OP's main failure is just going along passively and allowing someone else to put her in a situation where she ultimately felt unsafe.

But you learn about people as time goes on. My DH would not leave me sitting in a car for hours on end. He would have planned ahead in the event it took hours. I would have done so, too, or at least have figured out a plan B before it got dark. But that's after being caught in enough situations where I eventually decided I cannot fully depend on others when it comes to my own safety.

ps: love your name!

Tbh I think you both had classic hangriness - hungry plus angry due to horribly low blood sugar. Plus your boyfriend felt really Ill. I'd say big apology both sides, meant genuinely, recognition this was the hunger and frustration talking, and go from there.

If he’s ill enough for A&E how is he well enough to drive?

Why do people keep saying bollocks like this? One day dh was driving home from work and got a pain in his chest, he diverted to a&e he had a pulmonary embolism. I was having a miscarriage I felt hot and sick, I just knew something wasn't right, so I drove to hospital. I had sepsis. A&e doesn't mean you have to be unconscious.

In both dh and mine cases we both knew that something wasn't right, we didn't know what it was because we aren't Drs but we both knew that we needed to get seen fast. We live somewhere with limited transport options(2 taxis in the whole town and no buses). Sitting around hoping someone would come to our rescue wasn't really an option.

You sat for 6 Hours in car and you think you're in the wrong.

I think you deserve a medal for waiting so long. your boyfriend is a fully grown adult and shouldn't have put you in that position.

Maybe he suffers with health anxiety, and that's why no one can find anything wrong with him.
Ignore all the people on here taking you down. Your boyfriend should not be 'popping ' to A+E either. He's using it like his personal GP.

He should be apologising to you leaving you alone in a car for so long.

I don't understand why you would be fine with sitting in the car even for 2 hours? Better of staying at home.

He didn't need to leave a&e, you could have gone to a cafe. I am not sure why he left after having waited so long, tbh.