Massive argument with boyfriend - was I unreasonable?

[SarahLooo124]

Hello,
We've been together 4 years, hardly argue and overall very happy together.

Last night, he had to go to hospital (nothing serious, but he felt some pain in his stomach area); I'd never been to A and E before so I didn't realise just how long waiting times were apart from what I hear on the news.
So I waited in the car as he said he'll be about 2 hours and i wasn't allowed to sit in with him (fair enough)<. 6 hours later, it's 11:30pm,I'm still waiting in the car, haven't eaten since breakfast, and my phone was about to die.

I quickly rang him asking how long he'll be and he said he doesn't know. For some reason I snapped on the phone and said (I admit in a bitchy way) that he'll have to come back on his own tomorrow then as I can't wait in this car any longer.

2 minutes later, he comes running to the car saying he was just about to see the Dr but he had to tell the Dr he had to go and the Dr was worried about his stomach. He called me an autistic bitch because I didn't just get out the car and walk to the cafe in the hospital and that I make everything complicated and he feels like my babysitter. (I'm not autistic btw).

I snapped back that it was his idea for me to come and that he said I could wait with him, and if I'd have known it'd be sitting in a car, I'd have waited in the house.

This was in quite shouty voices.

But I feel absolutely awful that he has to go back tonight. I look back and think I could've just carried on waiting in the car but in the moment, I just snapped.

Can you help me understand why posters keep responding to people that are so obviously being ridiculous and winding up the thread?

I mean, you know it was not boredom or hunger that caused you to get anxious. You know you did not feel safe. So why kee debating?

People are being so dramatic on this thread. You were both in a stressful situation and made bad decisions/said things that you (hopefully) both regret. Just move on. I hope he gets to the bottom of his stomach pain.

I don't know how to vote on this one, I think deciding mid drive to the supermarket that you must drive to A&E instead is a bit strange. I think him telling you to wait in the car is odd and the fact that you did it is even weirder. It seems you realised too late that being told to stay in the car wasn't reasonable and you were confused and worried late at night in the dark with low battery. I don't believe for one second that he was about to see the doctor but left because of you, that sounds like the lie of a manipulator. The things he said to you were horrible and completely unacceptable.

Does he often tell you what to do and you end up doing it unquestioningly?

He expected an apology, but has not made one of his own.

Yes he has actually. OP has stated a couple of times.

He did not suddenly have a medical emergency!

@WibblyWobblyJane sorry I didn’t realise you was the bf or knew his symptoms.

He was obviously in enough pain to go straight to A&E when he hadn’t planned to do so. Knowing it was going to be a long wait and that he too didn’t have any charger, drinks, snacks, change of clothes etc.
Just because he’s been having symptoms previously doesn’t mean it hadn’t got worse and he wanted to get it seen to asap.

There was nothing stopping OP from going home and to blame the bf for the long wait at A&E is just ridiculous.

Just what are you getting out of having this attitude toward the op?

Also, check your own insurance document. Often you can drive someone else's car under your own insurance (3rd party) if you have the owner's permission.

I think this all comes down to poor planning. There was no reason at all for you to even be there. You couldn't go in with him, and you couldn't drive him home afterwards. He was unreasonable to put you in that position, he should have dropped you off back home after the shopping and gone by himself, or gone home swapped cars and you could have taken him there and picked him up when finished. I can see it must have started to feel quite unsafe in a dark car park on your own close to midnight, so I am not surprised you started to feel anxious.

I actually think he was more in the wrong here than you. He was not in a life or death situation, he has had this mysterious stomach problem for a long time and he was even fit enough to drive himself there.

Its totally ridiculous either of you thought waiting in the car was okay!

I simply don't believe that all of you would have been fine and dandy sitting in a car for almost 7 hours.

He didn't have to come rushing out did he? And how ill really was he if he could do that?

Honestly MN expects utter perfection from people who start threads on here. Ridiculous responses.

Just what are you getting out of having this attitude toward the op?

I’m genuinely not trying to be mean but this person needed medical treatment and OP could have gotten herself home.

Instead OP said his medical treatment will have to wait another day as she wanted to be driven home.

Anyone who thinks being driven home trumps medical treatment needs to seriously give their head a wobble.

The facts are that OP could have got home and her DP could have got medical treatment but she chose that she was more important than him.

Thanks Paddington.

He said "sorry" when the triage nurse said OP could not come in.

OP seems to think they have both apologised, but I'm not convinced. "Calling you an autistic bitch was disgusting" is not an apology, & doesn't address why this man randomly decided to take his weeks-long symptoms to A&E, stranding his g/f in the process.

The fact that she could have got herself home a lot earlier should be ... a point for concern, not derision. She self-describes as a people pleaser. I think her b/f is worryingly high-handed & very used to getting his own way.

I mean you were both wrong and his words were pretty gross but I can see if this is a pattern of behaviour he would feel frustrated at having to babysit you. You could have left the car and gone for a coffee, sat and had lunch etc you didn’t need to sit helpless in the car waiting for him to fix your hunger. Snapping at him for the wait in A&E being too long is not fair as is asking him to come back to the car!

Bless you, you were being a bit unreasonable to be honest but it's not the end of the world and you both sound like you were a bit out of order. Not sure why he's using 'autistic' as an insult.

If it was me I'd of probably got a taxi or bus home or gone and sat in the cafe with a coffee. While it is boring sitting around waiting if he needed to be seen then you should of sucked it up.

The other thing from this post is is your partner sure they needed a&e? Doesn't sound too urgent if he can just walk out and go back the day after? Perhaps try walk in or the gps.

The facts the OP presented are enough to conclude he could have planned his A&E trip before going. He waited 6 hours and didn’t collapse. He could have taken 30 minutes to:
-call and find out the expected wait time and rules for having someone come along
-determine that OP would be waiting in the car a long period
-deduce it would get dark
-etc.

Last time I went in I took myself for all of these reasons. Made no sense for my DH to sit in the car. And I live in the US; I was seen within about 15 minutes of arriving and out in about 40 but still didn’t want to have him bother to wait.

I wouldn’t catch a taxi in the dark on that battery level unless it was an emergency. And I hope you’ve made it clear that if he ever calls you that again you are out of the relationship.

Yes, you were a dick. He can't control when he's taken. If you were that hungry (and frankly I can't blame you) go get something to eat then come back to the car or wait somewhere warmer and nicer while he's in. And always do what my husband does if he has to go to the hospital for any reason - take a good book!

If he was having his appendix out I would agree with you.

I’m a verrrry impatient person and I think you are ver unreasonable. My DM had to go to the emergency many times and I would either wait for her inside or in the car. And I had a young DD with me most of the time. Sometimes I would get food and would just hang out in the car especially if there was no room to sit inside. It wasn’t fun but it’s just what you do for a loved one

also I wonder how sick your bf was if he came running out and was able to wait the next day but that’s neither here or there.

None of this makes any sense. At all.

If he’s ill enough for A&E how is he well enough to drive?
If you were sitting in a car that you can’t drive for 6 hours with no charger, why did you a) wait long enough that it got dark before you thought that you didn’t fancy hanging about any more, and b) why did you let your phone get down to 2%?
Why did he come back out to the car?
Why aren’t either of you capable of any basic planning or thinking ahead?

Most people would have gone in your car.
Most people would have got a taxi home before it got dark if being in the dark was a concern.
Most people who don’t have a charger with them don’t run their phone down to 2% if it’s the middle of the night and they won’t use a bus or a taxi in the middle of the night.
Most people who are ill enough to be in A&E don’t leave because their girlfriend chucks a strop.
Most people who’ve taken someone to A&E either wait or don’t - they don’t make the the person they took leave because they’re bored and won’t take a taxi in the dark!

Essentially, I think it sounds like he thinks he can use A&E like an extension of his GP and shame on him for that, also that he can just willy nilly decide what he’s doing with your time without much thought for you. It sounds like you have precious little understanding of real life if you think you can be in and out of A&E in 2 hours, and both of you together are a bit dysfunctional when under pressure. You’ve both been awful to each other, but the causes for the blow up were seeded hours before it actually happened.

He sat in A&E with hours passing knowing you were waiting kn a car park and didn't tell you to just go home. The doctor didn't come to him, he is guilt tripping you. I don't think many people would be happy sitting in a car park or even a cafe (as many have suggested) for 6 hours. People are saying he was in pain -he's not a child, he's a grown up. You should of dropped him off and him either get a taxi home or you go back and collect him. I don't think your wrong to be pissed off 6 hours later -I would also be pissed off but then again I wouldn't wait in a car park whilst someone went to A&E unless it was life threatening. Learn from this and ask people to ring you when their done or make their own way home via a taxi.

This. Using Autistic as a slur I'd never want to speak to him again after that. That he can think that way at all doesn't say anything good about him.

I think @KettrickenSmiled is making a lot of sense here.

I dont think the boyfriend had any intention of going shopping at all.

@SarahLooo124 I really would have a think about the boyfriend and your future with him.

I agree with this. The whole set up sounds strange. He shouldn't have told you to wait in the car and you shouldn't have done it. I also don't believe that he was about to see the doctor but left because of your call (and if he did, he's an idiot). But you also could have done things differently and got yourself home.

How is your relationship generally? Does this sort of thing happen a lot?

So.. Did you not think of going to the cafe??

I've waited for long periods in hospital cafes for family /pals.

I'd only stay in the car if I literally expected them to be ten minutes!