Massive argument with boyfriend - was I unreasonable?

[SarahLooo124]

Hello,
We've been together 4 years, hardly argue and overall very happy together.

Last night, he had to go to hospital (nothing serious, but he felt some pain in his stomach area); I'd never been to A and E before so I didn't realise just how long waiting times were apart from what I hear on the news.
So I waited in the car as he said he'll be about 2 hours and i wasn't allowed to sit in with him (fair enough)<. 6 hours later, it's 11:30pm,I'm still waiting in the car, haven't eaten since breakfast, and my phone was about to die.

I quickly rang him asking how long he'll be and he said he doesn't know. For some reason I snapped on the phone and said (I admit in a bitchy way) that he'll have to come back on his own tomorrow then as I can't wait in this car any longer.

2 minutes later, he comes running to the car saying he was just about to see the Dr but he had to tell the Dr he had to go and the Dr was worried about his stomach. He called me an autistic bitch because I didn't just get out the car and walk to the cafe in the hospital and that I make everything complicated and he feels like my babysitter. (I'm not autistic btw).

I snapped back that it was his idea for me to come and that he said I could wait with him, and if I'd have known it'd be sitting in a car, I'd have waited in the house.

This was in quite shouty voices.

But I feel absolutely awful that he has to go back tonight. I look back and think I could've just carried on waiting in the car but in the moment, I just snapped.

Great post @RadiantFem
Also a nice change from the knee-jerk side-taking & slagging. Refreshing to see PP addressing potential issues in preference to indulging themselves in a nice bit of ignorant scolding.

I strongly suspect OP is a vulnerable adult around thinking, planning, and problem solving perhaps undiagnosed

This is possible. The level of incapability shown here is pretty high.

Don't get why you didn't realise about three/four hours in that it wasn't looking like he would be seen anytime soon? Surely once you'd swiped away that first low battery 20% notification you should've thought, hmm, wonder how long I'll be, I need a charger, I'm hungry etc ??

As an aside you can buy insurance on someone elses vehicle for a day or even a few hours. Would've been better than you going into standby in the car lol

What a palava.

If he ever has to make an emergency detour to A&E without going home first again AND you are in a car only he can drive, do this:

• Go with him to A&E
• Get a taxi for yourself home straight away
• Wait for him to ring you to say:

a) 'I need picking up' (in your car) b) 'I'm driving myself home'

If his car is left at the hospital because he can't drive it back, arrange for it to be collected or drive him to collect it when he is able to. Not sure how parking charges work in situations like that.

Even on this thread, the OP has repeatedly said, "But it's reasonable not to want to get a taxi back at 11pm with 2% battery!" (which is true), without recognising that most adults would never have let it get to that situation in the first place. Which does display some unusual thinking.

I think he was being unreasonable. He decides on a whim to go to A&E while out at the grocery store. Something that clearly isn't an emergency. He could have easily dropped you home and went by himself.

Sometimes when you haven't eaten for ages, your blood sugar will drop and it can make someone very irritable even when they usually aren't. The hunger probably caused you to snap.

I doubt he was just getting ready to see the doctor. Calling your such a vile name was awlful.

I understand you both apologised.

I'd still do some reflection and see if you are putting up or smoothing over behaviour from him.

When it was a 2 hour wait even I would have gone home and said call me when you are done.

Yes you were being unreasonable

It's always advisable to carry a emergencey kit, with e.g. chargers ect to

Nice bit of ableism there

Man - uses vile slur

Women watching - ah well she sounds useless. Probably deserved it.

Have you actually bothered to RTFT @MartinReubyUnsungHero or are you just quickly popping in to drop some misguided bigotry at PP?

Yeah. I get my kicks out of trolling people on the internet who say shit about autistic people. Sue me. I am having so much fun while people say crap about my disability.

@MartinReubyUnsungHero nobody on this thread has had a pop at autistic people. The only person to have done so is OP's unpleasant b/f, who, presumably, is not here.

If he could wait another day he did not need A And E and should try gp or 111

Can you actually read? Can you not read the post I quoted?

Bullshit was he just about to see the doctor and your call interrupted that.

Nobody waits 6 hours in A&E and doesn’t answer the call with, “sorry - can you wait a minute? Literally just got called?”

And if he hadn’t been seen, he could have gone back in.

Who debates A&E then goes to a supermarket instead? Yeah, you might pick between A&E and the sofa with a paracetamol. Not A&E.

All these private appointments? And going to A&E when he clearly didn’t need to, forcing you to come too? And lying he was just about to be seen?!

I think he’s an attention seeking dickhead.

I agree.

This is why A & E departments are overrun and unable to cope. People turn up with something which is neither an Accident nor an Emergency.
I don't think OP was particularly unreasonable. Her boyfriend on the other hand is utterly unreasonable and a public nuisance.

My thoughts exactly!

And the running back to the car

Yes dear.

Which is why I ased you if you have RTFT, because the PP you quoted from has bothered to make a few posts, either responsing to or wondering about what is going on in a woman's life that she is stuck in a car for 6 hours, seemingly incapable of deciding to take herself home, or to a cafe.

Also - nobody has said that OP's problem with the CarParkGate has got anything to do with autism ... because she tells us she is not autistic in her first post.
On the contrary, there has been speculation that she may be a victim of coercive control, or that something else has caused her to behave in an oddly passive manner, or that she may have some vulnerability around learning/processing.

It's a shame your feathers got ruffled @MartinReubyUnsungHero but you are looking for insult where none was given, & - sadly - managing to mistakenly find it.

Stomach pain for weeks on end isn't good and if it suddenly flared up I can understand why he thought A&E was a better idea than yet another unhelpful visit to the doctor.

However that doesn't excuse his behaviour, he's a dickhead and so are you OP for seemingly being unable to do anything yourself.

If he could wait a day then he IBU to use A&E.

It depends why the doctors visits were unhelpful. If they did thorough tests and didn’t find anything, then it could be there’s nothing seriously wrong, it’s just IBS - which can be extremely debilitating but not actually a serious illness.

There are many reasons that could cause somebody to be vulnerable in these areas, not just autism. I genuinely think that the lack of problem solving and self care/preservation could be indicative of underlying issues. This could be anything from coercive control to additional needs.

"Trust me if you were a man and your wife was in A&E and you had a go at her for taking too long and that she either comes out now or you’re taking the car because you’re bored - you’d have a lot more harsher replies." I mean I'd like to think a woman using autistic as an insult would also be considered out of line.