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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Massive argument with boyfriend - was I unreasonable?

359 replies

SarahLooo124 · 01/06/2022 10:14

Hello,
We've been together 4 years, hardly argue and overall very happy together.

Last night, he had to go to hospital (nothing serious, but he felt some pain in his stomach area); I'd never been to A and E before so I didn't realise just how long waiting times were apart from what I hear on the news.
So I waited in the car as he said he'll be about 2 hours and i wasn't allowed to sit in with him (fair enough)<. 6 hours later, it's 11:30pm,I'm still waiting in the car, haven't eaten since breakfast, and my phone was about to die.

I quickly rang him asking how long he'll be and he said he doesn't know. For some reason I snapped on the phone and said (I admit in a bitchy way) that he'll have to come back on his own tomorrow then as I can't wait in this car any longer.

2 minutes later, he comes running to the car saying he was just about to see the Dr but he had to tell the Dr he had to go and the Dr was worried about his stomach. He called me an autistic bitch because I didn't just get out the car and walk to the cafe in the hospital and that I make everything complicated and he feels like my babysitter. (I'm not autistic btw).

I snapped back that it was his idea for me to come and that he said I could wait with him, and if I'd have known it'd be sitting in a car, I'd have waited in the house.

This was in quite shouty voices.

But I feel absolutely awful that he has to go back tonight. I look back and think I could've just carried on waiting in the car but in the moment, I just snapped.

OP posts:
Bentoforthehorde · 01/06/2022 13:54

@Onwards22 I have read the full thread.
Including the part where they were on the way to the supermarket when he decided to go to a&e instead.
Also the part where 'a couple of hours' became what 6+? And OP realised she was sat in the car in the dark car park with a dying phone in an unfamiliar area.
Congratulations to all the people who have never overreacted when hungry, scared and alone.
She should have gone home at some point, sat in the cafe for a bit, had a phone charger, hindsight is super helpful here.
OP's DP was not on deaths door.
She's had a bollocking from people here, she's apologised to her DP. What else do you want?

caringcarer · 01/06/2022 13:57

You should have text him you going home but when he wants collecting to text you. He should not be calling you names You were both bvu.

Onwards22 · 01/06/2022 13:57

And he could have chosen not to run out of A&E after waiting 6 hours just because his girlfriend got annoyed from the carpark. What did he think she was going to do if he said no? Come in and drag him out?

Would you say that if the person who went to A&E didn’t have a penis?

Bentoforthehorde · 01/06/2022 13:59

Onwards22 · 01/06/2022 13:57

And he could have chosen not to run out of A&E after waiting 6 hours just because his girlfriend got annoyed from the carpark. What did he think she was going to do if he said no? Come in and drag him out?

Would you say that if the person who went to A&E didn’t have a penis?

Jesus fucking christ 🙄

BadNomad · 01/06/2022 14:00

Onwards22 · 01/06/2022 13:57

And he could have chosen not to run out of A&E after waiting 6 hours just because his girlfriend got annoyed from the carpark. What did he think she was going to do if he said no? Come in and drag him out?

Would you say that if the person who went to A&E didn’t have a penis?

He should definitely have gone to A&E if he'd lost his penis on the way to Tesco.

Onwards22 · 01/06/2022 14:04

I admit I struggle with things not going to plan and, I don't know why, but my brain saw no other alternative than to sit in the car last night.

Obviously I think you’re 100% in the wrong and I’m being careful what I say on here because of other threads that are currently going on and I’m autistic myself so some things I say can be taken the wrong way.

I genuinely do think that if you had posted about you a female going to A&E (like other threads) and it was a man who told you to leave and return the next day.
Then you would have every poster telling you YABU.

But when someone has a penis they are automatically in the wrong.
Even though he was not at fault for the long wait times and you could have gone home at any point.

However, not everyone can hold their hands up and say I was in the wrong and reflect on their own behaviour (especially if someone had said something nasty).
So even though I think you acted very badly and I hope you’re not controlling, I do think a lot can be said because you feel so bad which shows you are a good person.

KettrickenSmiled · 01/06/2022 14:05

Onwards22 · 01/06/2022 13:57

And he could have chosen not to run out of A&E after waiting 6 hours just because his girlfriend got annoyed from the carpark. What did he think she was going to do if he said no? Come in and drag him out?

Would you say that if the person who went to A&E didn’t have a penis?

I don't think there was anything wrong with his penis @Onwards22 but you do seem rather exercised about it. Is there something you are not telling Our OP? Are you his OW? It would explain your intractable defence of the indefensible.

KettrickenSmiled · 01/06/2022 14:07

Onwards22 · 01/06/2022 14:04

I admit I struggle with things not going to plan and, I don't know why, but my brain saw no other alternative than to sit in the car last night.

Obviously I think you’re 100% in the wrong and I’m being careful what I say on here because of other threads that are currently going on and I’m autistic myself so some things I say can be taken the wrong way.

I genuinely do think that if you had posted about you a female going to A&E (like other threads) and it was a man who told you to leave and return the next day.
Then you would have every poster telling you YABU.

But when someone has a penis they are automatically in the wrong.
Even though he was not at fault for the long wait times and you could have gone home at any point.

However, not everyone can hold their hands up and say I was in the wrong and reflect on their own behaviour (especially if someone had said something nasty).
So even though I think you acted very badly and I hope you’re not controlling, I do think a lot can be said because you feel so bad which shows you are a good person.

Controlling people don't sit obediently in cars for 6 hours because someone told them to.
Bepenised or otherwise.

HTH

KettrickenSmiled · 01/06/2022 14:09

Would you say that if the person who went to A&E didn’t have a penis?

He should definitely have gone to A&E if he'd lost his penis on the way to Tesco.
😂😂😂😂😎

You are a bad, bad,@BadNomad

amusedbush · 01/06/2022 14:09

His autistic comment was unacceptable, completely out of line and disgusting. It's only made marginally better by the fact you're not autistic.

Are you kidding? It's MUCH worse because the OP isn't autistic. I am and if my DH said that to me, it would be horrible, nasty and ableist but - I guess? - accurate. The OP's boyfriend used the word "autistic" as an insult because she did something he found strange or irritating or unusual. It's bordering on a slur and I find it deeply offensive.

OP, I understand how the 6 hour wait in the car happened. You were told it would be a couple of hours and it's the sort of thing where, as time goes on, you keep thinking "surely it won't be much longer" so you continue to wait.

To be honest, and maybe I've missed a post so apologies if it has been raised, I don't believe he was literally just about to be seen and he turned down the assessment to go back outside to you. There's surely no way. He waited for 6 hours and then left the doctor "worried about his stomach" to just leave and go home? I think he was probably embarrassed and in pain and pissed off so he left but decided to make you feel bad about it.

Rubyroseyposey · 01/06/2022 14:10

Not really related but in v serious cases you are seen immediately. When I had menningitis (sorry cant spell it) 😅 I was seen within 5 mins of staggering in. So although the waits can be bad if you are seriously ill you will be seen.

TokyoTen · 01/06/2022 14:15

Poor organisation and communication on both your parts, but if I was him I'd have prioritised seeing the doctor! Why do you need to be there anyway? Can't he drive? Or get a taxi? Or you drop off and pick him up?

BadNomad · 01/06/2022 14:15

It's really not a man vs woman thing.

You're spectacularly missing the point, This wasn't an emergency visit to A&E. This was a person who is fed up of not getting answers about his stomach issues so is trying to bypass the system because he thinks going to A&E will get him scans and tests that he cant afford to pay for privately. They had been planning this together earlier in the day then he decided "nah". Then he decide "yeah ok we're going" and didn't give his girlfriend any choice in the matter.

Believe me, A&E dont make people with sudden severe abdo pain sit for 6 hours. People with sudden severe abdo pain don't just go home after 6 hours with the plan to come back tomorrow after work.

It doesn't matter if was a man or woman, this is inappropriate use of A&E. They are not a shortcut.

Sushi7 · 01/06/2022 14:16

You were massively unreasonable and horrible. A&E waiting times are AT LEAST 4 hours. You could’ve grabbed food and drink in the hospital cafe. You could’ve driven your bf there instead of being the passenger so you could’ve driven home and come back to pick him up. You could’ve got a taxi home or asked for a lift. You can’t blame your bf for any of this.

Onwards22 · 01/06/2022 14:17

He should definitely have gone to A&E if he'd lost his penis on the way to Tesco.

Lol good way to not answer the question.
What’s the name for this little trick? Directional evasion?

I can’t remember but well done, it looks like it works on a couple of people.

BadNomad · 01/06/2022 14:19

Onwards22 · 01/06/2022 14:17

He should definitely have gone to A&E if he'd lost his penis on the way to Tesco.

Lol good way to not answer the question.
What’s the name for this little trick? Directional evasion?

I can’t remember but well done, it looks like it works on a couple of people.

See my next reply.

yayayayayaya · 01/06/2022 14:21

Why didn't he just go alone and get a cab there and back. Or drive himself?

Why did you need to accompany him, and then hang around for hours on end?!

Onwards22 · 01/06/2022 14:22

You're spectacularly missing the point, This wasn't an emergency visit to A&E.

Who are you to say this.
Even if you were a doctor you have no idea of his symptoms or vitals without seeing him in person.

No one should be saying whether he should or shouldn’t have gone into A&E.

Myself and others have said how we were in similar situations and they were life threatening.
We could all drive, speak, wait for hours and even waited for days or weeks longer than we should have.

But no carry on giving your professional opinion.

Even if OP had said he admitted he’s only going because he gets off on sitting still for 6 hours - then why didn’t she go home?
Why did he have to leave?

Octomore · 01/06/2022 14:25

Controlling people don't sit obediently in cars for 6 hours because someone told them to.
Bepenised or otherwise.

No, but passive people who expect everyone else to take responsibility for them do.

I think the OP falls into that category. When it started getting dark, her first thought wasn't "This wait is getting to be too long, I'll get a cab home - maybe reception can call one for me", it was "I'll ring DP and tell him that he has to leave A&E to take me home".

That doesn't sound like the actions of a people pleaser, or a woman who is subject to coercive control to me. It sounds like a woman who is passive and unable/unwilling to look after herself, expecting those around her to pander to her helplessness.

Whether or not he was using A&E for a genuine emergency is irrelevant to this question imo. The fact is that the OP is a grown woman with choices - she chose not to go home, and she chose not to feed herself.

BadNomad · 01/06/2022 14:29

Onwards22 · 01/06/2022 14:22

You're spectacularly missing the point, This wasn't an emergency visit to A&E.

Who are you to say this.
Even if you were a doctor you have no idea of his symptoms or vitals without seeing him in person.

No one should be saying whether he should or shouldn’t have gone into A&E.

Myself and others have said how we were in similar situations and they were life threatening.
We could all drive, speak, wait for hours and even waited for days or weeks longer than we should have.

But no carry on giving your professional opinion.

Even if OP had said he admitted he’s only going because he gets off on sitting still for 6 hours - then why didn’t she go home?
Why did he have to leave?

Who am I to say it? I didnt. The OP said it. If you read her posts you will see they discussed him going and decided she would drop him off and collect him after. But HE changed that by taking her to A&E with him.

She says she didn't go home, or to the cafe, or to the shop, because she didn't think to. Now why do you think someone wouldn't think to do something other than wait in one spot for their boyfriend?

And why do YOU think he left when he did? He didn't have to leave. What was she going to do about it? So could it be because he was fed up waiting too after 6 hours?

StaunchMomma · 01/06/2022 14:29

SarahLooo124 · 01/06/2022 11:11

@StaunchMomma what do you mean? I think there are plenty of females who wouldn't want to get a bus or taxi on their own in a place they don't know well on 2 percent battery.
I don't get how that's self-centred, it's the way I feel

Not the bus/taxi (although, ordering a taxi isn't exactly dangerous!) but the fact that you're all 'I was fine waiting until my phone died'. Poor you!!

If you're angry at waiting in a car, in a hospital car park so perfectly safe, for a partner who is receiving emergency medical attention because you can't watch Youtube or scan your socials then yes, that is being self-centred!!

viques · 01/06/2022 14:32

Happyplace88 · 01/06/2022 10:27

What, so you were on the way shopping, he was literally fine then all of a sudden his stomach was SO painful he needed a&e? How ridiculous.

And able to run out to the car park…….

LightningStar · 01/06/2022 14:35

SarahLooo124 · 01/06/2022 10:53

@pearly1792 did you miss the part where I've mentioned about 10 times that I'm not insured to drive his car?

Yet you said the plan had been for you to drive..

FreetheKhalo · 01/06/2022 14:36

LightningStar · 01/06/2022 14:35

Yet you said the plan had been for you to drive..

Show quote history

She’s not insured to drive his car. She can drive her own.

KettrickenSmiled · 01/06/2022 14:37

Sushi7 · 01/06/2022 14:16

You were massively unreasonable and horrible. A&E waiting times are AT LEAST 4 hours. You could’ve grabbed food and drink in the hospital cafe. You could’ve driven your bf there instead of being the passenger so you could’ve driven home and come back to pick him up. You could’ve got a taxi home or asked for a lift. You can’t blame your bf for any of this.

😂He didn't give her any choice about driving him there instead @Sushi7

They went to the supermarket, & he changed his mind & unilaterally decided to drive to A&E instead. With OP in his car. Which she cannot drive, because insurance.

I think he can be blamed for that.
Also for attempting to use A&E as his private diagnostic clinic.
Did you also miss he's at work today, but planning to return to A&E again tonight? This is not a reasonable man ...