MIL questioning me.

[biiianxa]

AIBU to think my MIL is going too far?

I try to keep the peace and often do things that my MIL suggests to avoid any unnecessary dilemmas, but it's starting to annoy me that any time i do things MY way with MY child, she's questioning them.

DS has a tendency of chewing on his hands, probably teething commencing and he does this 80% of the time. often, he'll get rid of dummy to replace it with his fingers, after multiple times telling MIL he's not hungry, she insists he must be as his hands are always in his mouth.

we've more or less fell into a routine of feeding every 5 or 6 hours, which works brilliant with us! but anytime we visit her, or we leave him with her, she's trying to feed him every 2 hours.

it's currently 18:30, and feeding time for DS, we have started him on solids and i have a strict "no solids after 19:00" to ensure he doesn't go to bed on a very full tummy and it doesn't disrupt his sleep. he'll have his usual 6 ounces before bed.

MIL has insisted that DS is sleepy and starts shaking him to sleep after i precisely said it's feeding time and he can take a nap after. whilst i was sterling his utensils for feeding she has rocked him to sleep, his food is prepared and everything is sterilised. I'm very close to having a go at her, because she needs to understand things aren't going to go her way, this isn't her child.

it's obviously not DS fault, so i have let her put him in his crib and sleep now, but it has really irritated me that she went against my wishes.

AIBU for getting annoyed that she keeps trying to do things her way?

Our health advisor recommended rice powder in the bottle on the last feed before bed to help not being hungry in the night although my kids are teens now so this might have changed

You should never add anything to the milk. This shouldn't be recommended by anyone let alone a health advisor

5/6 hours between feeds at 5 months is a bit mean. It's also very early to start solids. Did you think he was ready because he's always hungry, when actually he just needs milk. Many adults would struggle with that gap between meals and drinks.

But perhaps he didn't need it that day?

If he's still having all the milk feeds he wants & not relying on solids then it surely doesn't matter if he misses one?

This.

I agree with this. That's too long between feeds especially at only 5 months and only 6 ounces. He probably is hungry. I agree with your MIL.

Up the formula. Reducd the solids. Way too early and totally unnecessary.

I can understand why your MIL is asking questions, I'm confused too and would be concerned enough to ask questions if your DS was my young relative. Most importantly, why on earth are you putting formula into food? You need heat to kill bacteria, there's a huge risk of you getting the mix quantities wrong and he isn't learning what real food is. Feed him actual food plus milk on the side, that's much easier and better for him.

Next, that's such an unusually long gap in the morning for such a young baby. You don't seem to have the same gap in the afternoon, so why are you making him wait in the morning? You'll just make him demand more in the afternoon and an over-full tummy is not good, little and often is the trick. It might be worth looking at some typical schedules with meal plans and copying those until you get in the swing of things.

This reply was in context of PP justifying MIL interference by saying OP wasn't feeding DC enough, but MIL interference meant he missed a feed...

FWIW the gaps between feeds do sound long to me, but my LO is a few months younger so I am feeding more often (and no solids).

Your feeding routine is fine (exactly what I did 20 years ago and I suspect there are younger mums on here that just follow more up to date ideas, doesnt mean that they are right though). Get your DH to talk to his mum and get her to lay off (oh and stop her coming round so often)

The thing is often things change because more research and studies have been carried out so we understand things better. The benefit of waiting until six months is the gut maturity of the baby and less risk of choking if baby-led as better grip on the food you give them but even then it’s expected that almost every calorie is obtained through milk.

I mean the advice used to put tiny babies on their stomachs to sleep with cot bumpers and pillows and all sorts in a different room and we know that’s no longer a good idea, don’t we?

By the way, for some perspective, I have a 4 year old and we don't expect him to go without any drink for more than 3 hours except in the night. He's also allowed a small snack in the morning or afternoon between meals and most days has one; fruit or an oat bar or pancake slice. Your baby is 5 months old with a tiny tummy, feed accordingly!

So many interfering future MILs on this thread. Ignore them, OP. As long as your baby is healthy and happy, you're doing well.

Your MIL is the problem. Your DS is YOUR baby, not hers. Why is she so involved in your life? The first thing I'd do is distance yourself, and explain why. She'll soon get the message.

I can't believe there are all these people piling on to tell OP she's doing it wrong when the baby is happy and the paediatrician has agreed with the routine. Unbelievable! And please note that the OP has explained that the solids include formula, so the baby is getting formula every three hours, not six.

I'm wondering OP if you're just not being assertive enough and you also need your DH to back you up. The rocking to sleep would have really annoyed me. And I'm old enough to be a MiL! Try and be a bit more confident, it seems like you're doing fine. Despite people's obsessions with only one way of doing things (safety issues, aside, as obviously being essential), different styles end up with the same result, healthy, thriving adults!

Good grief OP, I am sorry to see that you seem to have acquired a load more MILs answering your post! Theories on feeding babies change all the time and as with most things 'baby' the NHS is often a bit behind. There is plenty of evidence that weaning earlier than 6 months IS suitable for some babies as shown in a link I will attempt to post below. 6 months is a reasonable rule of thumb for most and all parents/caregivers should try and be aware of the signs of readiness. There is also a growing body of evidence that a varied diet of solids before 12 months is valid for preventing allergies.
Personally one of my 3 was stealing food from my plate at less than 4 months, chewing it an swallowing it. She was just... like that. Her paediatrician wasn't fussed at all. She crawled at 4.5 months too though was bang on average with later milestones like walking and talking, so not some sort of weird super baby! My youngest was different again, she was needing 10 oz bottles 6 times a day at three months and that was a nightmare. With GP and HV approval she started purees and cereals shortly afterwards and it was so much better for her. Middle DD was text book. She wouldn't even look at solids at all till 7 months. Or to put it another way, babies gonna baby and as long as professionals (HV, GP, paediatrician) are involved and keeping an eye on them they should be absolutely fine.
OP says in her first post that her HV is happy and that her baby's weight is fine. She has a slight MIL problem, not a baby problem.
www.uhcw.nhs.uk/download/clientfiles/files/Patient%20Information%20Leaflets/Clinical%20Support%20Services/Dietetics/118833_Allergy_-Introducing_milk_free_solids_to_your_baby(1578)_-April_2019(Final).pdf

You sound very controlling. Why does it matter? Just let her have her input. It’s not like you live with her or have her round all the time. You’re being very PFB I reckon.

As someone with a 9 month old unless it has miraculously changed in the last month or so then advice is very much to start at 6 months.

4-6 months is what it was 14 years ago with my oldest... massively outdated and wrong.

If the OP is only feeding baby every 6 hours at 5 year old and using solids rather than milk (by what she wrote) that is neglect/abuse - maybe ignorance rather than deliberate but a starved child is starved regardless of intent.

I cant believe the thread the other day about a nosy woman reporting a mother for drug use based on NOTHING was all 'good for you, we all need to whistleblow for child safety go with your gut' and yet someone who posted that they seriously under feeding a baby against all logic and health guideline when met with basic questioning is advised by some as 'your child your choice... people should mind their own buisness'.

• months not years lol

I agree with the majority of PP and your MIL, he probably is hungry. All of the advice I've read says a 5 month old should be having closer to 35oz a day, not the 24 you are giving him. The formula you add to
"Solids" should really have no bearing at all on his milk feeds - my eldest is 2.5, was formula fed, and didn't begin to drop milk feeds until around 10 months. Not only do they not eat very much at 5 months, if they do, fruit puree isn't anywhere near as nutrient dense as formula and will not fulfill his nutritional needs. I also don't think a feeding routine established when he was so unwell he was hospitalised is necessarily indicative of his feeding needs weeks later, and now that he is well. I cannot believe that a paediatrician, GP or HV has advised you of this feeding routine, yes, they may not have an issue with weaning early, but not at the expense of formula feeds.

Some of these replies are very judgemental. We sterilised all feeding equipment till 6 months, and we also started introducing solids (in the form of purée with milk) around the same time as OP. In terms of your MIL I think you need to put your foot down as like you said it is your child and you know them best. I had a similar problem being told I was feeding my DS too much

I think the issue is that a 'MIL is being unreasonable' thread only works if people here actually agree she is being U. And actually it sounds like she has a point. Whether or not your son is happy with his feeds, you can see from the reactions here that the majority of babies would not be, and that's the issue. I'm not surprised that your MIL worries that he's hungry, most babies have a very different feeding schedule.

Not bothered that you've started him on solids at 5 months, but what happened to 'food before one is just for fun'? My understanding is that milk should be a baby's main sustenance for a long time past 5 months and you are replacing his solids with milk feeds.

All this may well work for you, may well have been signed off by healthcare professionals in your specific situation, but you must see this isn't the norm? That's why people are commenting and expressing concern. Babies are not usually fed this way.

*replacing his milk feeds with solids, that should say! We need an edit button.

OP - stop this. Take a deep breath, slow down, & allow an amazing concept to flood your brain with relief & joy.

YOU DO NOT OWE PP ANY EXPLANATIONS ABOUT HOW YOU ARE RAISING YOUR BABY.

There. Enjoy that? It gets even better:
YOU DO NOT OWE YOUR MiL ANY EXPLANATIONS ABOUT HOW YOU ARE RAISING YOUR BABY.

You need to change your mindset from JADE to a dismissive "that's interesting dear" & just keep doing things your own sweet way.
outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

I suspect that all this nonsense about -
I try to keep the peace and often do things that my MIL suggests to avoid any unnecessary dilemmas, but it's starting to annoy me that any time i do things MY way with MY child, she's questioning them.
is happening because when MiL questions you - you answer her.
Stop.
When you JADE - by answering them, you give credibility to her questions.
Stop! Dismiss the questions instead. They are invalid. They do not concern you.
Don't "keep the peace." It's not peaceful for YOU.
Don't "do things MiL suggests". She's not the boss of you.

When she tells you he's hungry because his hands are in his mouth?
"he's not hungry, this is just his thing at the moment"
When she tries to feed him every 2 hours?
"it's not time yet, he's due at X o'clock"
When she insists he is sleepy & goes against your wishes, rocking him?
"it's not nap time, & I'm not having his sleep routine disrupted"

If she argues or huffs - so what?
It will be uncomfortable for you the first few times because you've got into the habit of not speaking up. Probably because you are scared that MiL will verbally over-ride you. So just don't let her. Put the above phrases "on repeat" & no matter how awkward or silly it feels at first - just keep saying them.
It's the "Broken Record" technique & it is hugely effective.
It stops you from falling into self-defeating JADE behaviours.
It stops you from sounding like you are asking permission.
It allows you 'breathing space' because you are not having to defend yourself or your decisions - while you are saying these phrases, you quietly go about doing whatever you have decided for your boy.
If she is rocking him to sleep - take him from her.
If she is going to feed him - take him from her.
Leave the room with him if need be.
It will take a few goes, but you will end up 'training' MiL (& yourself!) that you are quietly implacable, that she can think & say whatever she likes, but YOU WILL NOT BUDGE.

Do you think you can do that?
It's surely better than the suffocating impotence of not allowing yourself to be the boss of your own child & home.

Give your head a wobble! Abuse? Neglect? Did you even read the OP? She has HV and Paediarician approval and her son's weight is fine. Do you think you know better?

I would be VERY suprised if the health visitor and doctor understand and signed off on what she has said here.

More likely OP mentioned in passing something along the lines of we having started solids as he was only drinking milk every 5 hours and they have glossed over it because hes nearly 6 months and they arent there to talk about his diet not that a nutritionalist or specialist sat down and designed this feeding plan because frankly they wouldn't.

But then what do I know it was only part of my medical degree.