Am I being terrible?

[SproutsRUs]

My husband and I have one DC together who is a baby and he has older DC from a previous relationship who are 7 and 11.

It's half term this week and he's WFH as it's our week with DSC.

I find my husband can be a bit smothering in making sure everyone is included in everything and it's especially suffocating on school holidays because DSC are here all day and I feel like I can't leave the house without taking them.

Basically I just want some time alone during the week with our baby like when they are at school and he at work and so I've made a few excuses as to why we need to go out some of the days DSC are here. Mainly things like telling him a group we usually go to is still on when it's not so I can go for a walk / park with DC without everyone tagging along or that I have a dentist appointment when I don't.

I know it's not great to lie, but I don't know what's worse, saying that so I can keep my sanity and leave the house by ourselves some times or telling him I don't want to spend all week with his kids!

I didn’t say anything about your relationship with your DSC in practice , I know nothing of what happens in your household. All I said was you are (independently) responsible for considering his feelings and wellbeing, as an adult who has come into his life/ is cohabiting/ shares a family with him.

I didn’t say anything about your relationship with your DSC in practice , I know nothing of what happens in your household. All I said was you are (independently) responsible for considering his feelings and wellbeing, as an adult who has come into his life/ is cohabiting/ shares a family with him.

But you are saying more than that on this thread. You are saying that to not be willing to take the SC out every time she goes out, is to neglect your perceived notion of her responsibility as a step parent and to not do enough for her partner.

You seem to be lacking in some empathy here. The point is not that it’s cruel to go out with alone/ expect the children to entertain themselves/ spend time with their father. The point is that by talking their half sibling out on fun outings during the holidays and leaving them behind, OP is potentially causing her SC to feel rejected/ excluded/ second priority in the family etc.
You only need to listen to the testImonies of those who have grown up feeling rejected and excluded by a step parent to understand the damage that can cause to a child’s emotional well-being/ self-esteem.

That’s fine. I can’t say I’ve ever been worried about what anyone else’s opinion on my empath quotient.

She’s taking her child for a walk around the park. It’s not like she doesn’t do anything for stepchildren, and I don’t see the issue with them learning that, actually, OP is quite entitled to want to have alone time with her own child, and that they shouldn’t expect to go everywhere she does. She’s not their mother and they know that. It would be different if their dad was fucking off without them, but he’s not.

Thank God for that. If I were Sofa I’d be quite pleased honestly, because ‘be nice, be kind’ only ever seems to mean ‘shut up and be a martyr’. It invariably never works in a woman’s favor.

Agreed! Solutions that involve holding the men accountable are always conveniently ignored, as well.

Far too many women, and it’s always women, are attached to the idea of being seen as ‘nice’, ‘agreeable’, or whatever other anaemic adjective you want to use, at all times, especially when it comes to children. Except of course when they’re accused of not being these things, it’s because they’re unwilling to be a doormat.

Being ‘nice’ is about as appealing as a ruptured hemorrhoids.

*That is a singular hemorrhoid. Plural ones are worse still.

You need to phrase it more carefully 'DH' I am going for a walk, by myself!, I'll take DS in his buggy so you can work. Back later. Byeeeeeee

DH I NEED time on my own, I'll be back in a few hours, do you want to look after DS or shall I take him.

sorry X & Y, your Dad misunderstood, I'm going for a walk to clear my head, I'll be back in a couple of hours. Do you fancy a film or a game later? We could watch a film first and when DS is in bed we could play a game?

stop letting him railroad you and make it about YOU needing headspace, not about DS.

DH thought that was cruel because I'd left DSC at home knowing he was working to go somewhere they'd have really liked in the school holidays when I could have taken them.

I can't get past this. You knew they'd be stuck doing nothing because dad has to work, you were going somewhere they'd enjoy yet you didn't take them?

I agree with other posters, it's not about you wanting time alone with your DC; it's about you not wanting your DSC around. They're just as important as your PFB.

Why does he agree to have them so much if he can’t actually be around for them? He suggests them going out with you as he probably realises that they would be getting bored with being stuck in the house whilst he works - and it lets him off the hook for a few hours.
I say he and their Mother need to sort something better for them. I mean if he is WFH and you are not there - what do they do all day? What would he do if you didn’t exist?

I think you need to say that you obv don’t mind sometimes but other times you want to yourself. YANBU.

I'm with you, OP.

I'd find it really suffocating, too. I understand exactly why you want to be able to go out with just your baby, I don't think you should be guilt-tripped about it.

It is not like OP never gets to go out with just her baby! She is with just the baby for the majority of the time.

But there are a few days in school holidays that DH’s leave cannot cover and she leaves stepchildren at home with nothing to do whilst she goes out on activities they would enjoy. Yes technically maybe he should put them in childcare for a few days, but some husbands and wives work together.

And she wants to go out with her kid for a couple of hours when they’re there. It’s fine.

They don’t need OP to entertain them constantly. They’re old enough to occupy themselves.

So if it’s that simple, why is OP having to lie to spare SDCs feelings? What’s your theory on that? or are you simply saying that ( in your view ) their feelings don’t matter, and it’s good for them to learn that?

Because her husband is a dickhead.

And yes, I think it’s absolutely fine for the children to learn that OP doesn’t have to include them every time she leaves the house.

Well she shouldn’t have to lie, because she’s doing nothing wrong. She’s lying to spare her husband’s feelings on the matter as she knows he will kick off. He’s the one hurt that she leaves the house without his kids.
Maybe if he was more on board with her getting some fresh air on her own and actually took it upon himself to entertain his children without guilt tripping her which will inevitably run off on to the children, then they wouldn’t feel hurt by her leaving the house without them.

*rub off on to the children

And going out with a baby in a pram is pretty much like being out on your own. You don’t have any children to talk to or entertain. I used to love going out for quiet walks with mine when they were babies.
And yes might take the baby out of the pram and put them in the swing for 10 minutes or sit on the grass while they gaze around. You might meet up with a friend at the cafe in the park.

Add a 7 and 11 year old and it’s becomes a completely different dynamic. Just leave her alone.

I agree. But where things so often get difficult is that people fail to make their position clear at the outset. If a new partner said:
'My relationship is with you, not your DC. Your DC are your responsibility and while i might help out with them if i feel like it, i reserve the right to not if i don't. Should we have a child together, I will treat my own child differently from, and preferentially to, your DC, even when they are here in our home. This may or may not include refusing to include them in things I do with our child' then the parent in the relationship would know whether to proceed on this basis.
Unfortunately what so often happens is the new partner is quite happy to play happy families with the DSC and see them as 'a package' until their own child comes along. By which time patterns are set that are hard to break without causing upset.

Absolutely this.

I don’t think the natural assumption of any parent should be that their partner is going to be responsible for their children. Equally, a parent should spell out their expectations as to what they expect in regards to their children, and give the partner a chance to run for the hills.

OP said herself that her husband didn’t always have these expectations of her. What’s happened is that she’s now had her own child so he’s thinking he can load her up with responsibility for two more.

I can't see that anywhere in the OPs posts. In fact the OP actually stresses that she's not expected to look after them, he takes AL or WFH. He just wants her to take them out if she's doing something 'fun' as he wants them included. She even says 'not the food shop' As the threads progressed people have started referring to it as him palming them off for childcare, and that's become the accepted narrative. But it isn't what the OP has said.

I can't see that anywhere in the OPs posts. In fact the OP actually stresses that she's not expected to look after them, he takes AL or WFH. He just wants her to take them out if she's doing something 'fun' as he wants them included. She even says 'not the food shop' As the threads progressed people have started referring to it as him palming them off for childcare, and that's become the accepted narrative. But it isn't what the OP has said.

But expecting her to take his children out with him while he's WFH IS him expecting her to be responsible for them during those times. So it literally is what she's said.

So yes, he wants her to provide childcare while he’s working from home, if she dares to leave the house to head anywhere other than Tesco.

Ergo, ‘palming them off’.

If the OP had posted this with no mention of step children I wonder how it would be viewed.

Having to lie to leave the house without all three children in tow, always.

I for one would call that extremely controlling and would be suggesting a call to Women's aid.

Funny too how the children's mother being unavailable for minding her own children during the holidays, because of work inflexibility, is completely acceptable but somehow the all the obligation and responsibility of the OP.

She hasn't come back.

I hope she's too busy organising herself to get away from the waster who can't understand why she might want to go out with her child on her own.

People have no difficulty accepting that the children don't see much of their mother during the 6vweek holidays.

The holidays are for the OP to suck up.🙄