Page 8 | Am I being terrible?

SproutsRUs · 2022-05-30T16:20:55+00:00

My husband and I have one DC together who is a baby and he has older DC from a previous relationship who are 7 and 11. It's half term this week and he's WFH as it's our week with DSC. I find my husband can be a bit smothering in making sure everyone is included in everything and it's especially suffocating on school holidays because DSC are here all day and I feel like I can't leave the house without taking them. Basically I just want some time alone during the week with our baby like when they are at school and he at work and so I've made a few excuses as to why we need to go out some of the days DSC are here. Mainly things like telling him a group we usually go to is still on when it's not so I can go for a walk / park with DC without everyone tagging along or that I have a dentist appointment when I don't. I know it's not great to lie, but I don't know what's worse, saying that so I can keep my sanity and leave the house by ourselves some times or telling him I don't want to spend all week with his kids!

whumpthereitis · 31/05/2022 18:46

aSofaNearYou · 31/05/2022 18:20

The lies and deceit are indicative of her treating her oh badly.

The fact that she feels she has to lie to her husband because he won't accept what she's telling her and step up to be present for his own kids, is him treating her (and them) badly. I wouldn't lie to him, I would just flat out tell him no. But the fact that OP has been driven to this doesn't make his demands reasonable.

He’s extremely lucky that she hasn’t told him to write his expectations down on a piece of paper, scrunch it up and fuck himself with it, because I certainly would have done by now in her situation.

funinthesun19 · 31/05/2022 19:14

He’s extremely lucky that she hasn’t told him to write his expectations down on a piece of paper, scrunch it up and fuck himself with it, because I certainly would have done by now in her situation.

That’s pretty much what he deserves.

All this talk about “Oh but he’s working for the family blah blah…” well done him. OP isn’t beholden to him regarding the dsc just because he works. And she is at home looking after their baby and working part time so that they don’t have extortionate nursery costs for their shared child.
His responsibility towards his older children is separate to the arrangements they have for their baby.

ChoiceMummy · 31/05/2022 19:50

whumpthereitis · 31/05/2022 18:37

The fact that she knows he’ll kick off over her doing something completely reasonable is the problem. If he didn’t she wouldn’t feel the need to lie, and that’s the bigger issue. He’s the one treating her badly, in trying to make her responsible for HIS children.

Yes, she made the choice to be a stepparent, but being a stepparent isn’t defined by being free childcare, is it? What being a stepparent entails, and level of involvement, tends to vary from family to family. There’s no universal rule that says in choosing to be a stepparent she’s now responsible for children that aren’t her own, in the same way she is responsible for her own children.

Anyway, it’s quite clear that this wasn’t what her husband expected of her when she first got into a relationship with, and married, him. Frankly, ‘she made the choice to be a stepparent’ is fucking meaningless.

’where only her needs mattered’ - are you being deliberately obtuse? No one said that. Prioritizing herself sometimes is not the same thing as saying only her needs matter. As you well know.

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I disagree.
He works full time with the amount of holidays this gives.
His working means that she works part time and has 3 days off a week.
So yes, it's not an unreasonable ask given that the oh has facilitated this part time working for her. It's not unreasonable for her to be expected to take the children to these child friendly locations when he has to work, as his 4 weeks annual leave doesn't stretch to the 6 weeks of school holiday he has with his children and she is benefitting from the 3 days off a week that he is providing.
That's what she has signed up for when she dates a man with children and chose to take on the role of stepparent. And when she has chosen to be a part time worker as a result of that other parent, she accepts this means she takes on increased duties towards the step children. If the op worked full time, then the father could then afford to take unpaid leave to cover the gap between his annual leave and the 6 weeks school holidays.

And I presume the op will also be aggrieved if his annual leave were all used on the school holidays.

BritWifeInUSA · 31/05/2022 19:50

Those poor children. They’ve done nothing wrong but they’ve been sent to their dad’s got half-term and he’s working. Their stepmother goes off and leaves them. So what are they doing? You knew he had children when you married him. It’s not their fault. But you go out and leave them. That’s harsh. If they were older, fair enough. But at 7 and 11? If you and your husband were to separate in the future and your child was treated like this by his stepmother when he goes to stay with his father, how would you feel? How would your child feel?

aSofaNearYou · 31/05/2022 19:55

Those poor children. They’ve done nothing wrong but they’ve been sent to their dad’s got half-term and he’s working. Their stepmother goes off and leaves them. So what are they doing? You knew he had children when you married him.

He knew he has kids, so why is he working?

In any other family but one with a step parent, nobody would be presenting it as fair enough for both parents to be working, and expecting someone else to have their kids (and applying guilt trips about them "leaving" them when they don't).

This is no different.

whumpthereitis · 31/05/2022 19:57

ChoiceMummy · 31/05/2022 19:50

I disagree.
He works full time with the amount of holidays this gives.
His working means that she works part time and has 3 days off a week.
So yes, it's not an unreasonable ask given that the oh has facilitated this part time working for her. It's not unreasonable for her to be expected to take the children to these child friendly locations when he has to work, as his 4 weeks annual leave doesn't stretch to the 6 weeks of school holiday he has with his children and she is benefitting from the 3 days off a week that he is providing.
That's what she has signed up for when she dates a man with children and chose to take on the role of stepparent. And when she has chosen to be a part time worker as a result of that other parent, she accepts this means she takes on increased duties towards the step children. If the op worked full time, then the father could then afford to take unpaid leave to cover the gap between his annual leave and the 6 weeks school holidays.

And I presume the op will also be aggrieved if his annual leave were all used on the school holidays.

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And she facilitates him by providing childcare and whatever other support she provides, financial, practical and emotional. Not taking them out with her every time does not mean that she does nothing in their interests.

She doesn’t have to ‘accept’ any such thing. Whether you think she should or not is irrelevant. If that’s what’s expected of her though, then both their actual parents can go ahead and give her PR, as well as equal say in whatever decisions need to be made in regards to the children. No?

The children have two parents responsible for them, neither of which is OP.

aSofaNearYou · 31/05/2022 19:57

That's what she has signed up for when she dates a man with children and chose to take on the role of stepparent. And when she has chosen to be a part time worker as a result of that other parent, she accepts this means she takes on increased duties towards the step children

You can keep saying that all you want, but it absolutely does not. YOU and others like you think it SHOULD, but that doesn't mean it does. Step parents have absolutely no concrete obligations, it is a private agreement in each individual case.

I did not choose or accept any of the things you have outlined in your post. Who are you to say I or anyone else did?

whumpthereitis · 31/05/2022 19:58

‘Those poor children. They’ve done nothing wrong but they’ve been sent to their dad’s got half-term and he’s working.’

Sounds like a ‘him’ problem.

funinthesun19 · 31/05/2022 20:22

And when she has chosen to be a part time worker as a result of that other parent, she accepts this means she takes on increased duties towards the step children

It really really doesn’t mean that at all.
She is a part time worker because of their shared child and I presume to save on nursery costs they would have had if she worked full time. Her time looking after the baby allows him to work full time unaffected. It absolutely doesn’t mean she has increased duties towards the stepchildren.
His responsibility towards his older children is separate to the co parenting arrangements he has with OP for their baby, and the OP has a choice where she does and doesn’t fit in to that.

ChoiceMummy · 31/05/2022 20:25

aSofaNearYou · 31/05/2022 19:55

Those poor children. They’ve done nothing wrong but they’ve been sent to their dad’s got half-term and he’s working. Their stepmother goes off and leaves them. So what are they doing? You knew he had children when you married him.

He knew he has kids, so why is he working?

In any other family but one with a step parent, nobody would be presenting it as fair enough for both parents to be working, and expecting someone else to have their kids (and applying guilt trips about them "leaving" them when they don't).

This is no different.

Yes it is different.
They're supposed to be a family unit.
He's working, she's not. The children are on holiday, she should be stepping up.
That simple. If she cba to manage for a mere few days then she really shouldn't be staying in this relationship as its not fair to the sc nor the oh.
She has 3 days every week to meet her needs. This is one week of half term where her needs should not be uppermost.
And lying to boot. Such deceit is horrid.

HandbagsnGladrags · 31/05/2022 20:27

@ChoiceMummy you have very strong views. I'm betting you're not a stepmum.

funinthesun19 · 31/05/2022 20:27

she should be stepping up.

Or he can step up and do what lots of other parents do and pay for holiday club.

aSofaNearYou · 31/05/2022 20:36

Yes it is different.
They're supposed to be a family unit.
He's working, she's not. The children are on holiday, she should be stepping up.
That simple. If she cba to manage for a mere few days then she really shouldn't be staying in this relationship as its not fair to the sc nor the oh.
She has 3 days every week to meet her needs. This is one week of half term where her needs should not be uppermost.
And lying to boot. Such deceit is horrid.

Again, you're very arrogantly talking about something that is completely subjective and completely down to individual choice, as if your way is some kind of indisputable fact. It isn't.

As others have said, the arrangement they have about OP working part time pertains to their JOINT child and JOINT responsibility, and the childcare needs therein. She owes him no childcare for his other kids, that's for him to sort and completely seperate.

I could just as easily say if he cba to do what all other parents have to do and fulfill his own responsibilities to his kids, then he really shouldn't be staying in this relationship as it isn't fair to the SC or his OH. In fact I am saying that.

whumpthereitis · 31/05/2022 20:42

ChoiceMummy · 31/05/2022 20:25

Yes it is different.
They're supposed to be a family unit.
He's working, she's not. The children are on holiday, she should be stepping up.
That simple. If she cba to manage for a mere few days then she really shouldn't be staying in this relationship as its not fair to the sc nor the oh.
She has 3 days every week to meet her needs. This is one week of half term where her needs should not be uppermost.
And lying to boot. Such deceit is horrid.

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A family unit. Yeah, and I bet she doesn’t invite the rest of her family out every time she fucks off to Tesco either. They’re part of her family, sure, but they’re not her children, and she’s not responsible for them as her children.

If he can’t be be bothered to sort out childcare for his kids, that doesn’t consist of dumping it on OP, then he shouldn’t agree to have them for the entire length of the holidays.

The deceit is understandable. The fact she feels she needs to is what horrid.

Tandora · 31/05/2022 20:50

aSofaNearYou · 31/05/2022 17:43

You absolutely do need to think of it from the child’s perspective because you are an adult in their life/ living with them. It has no relevance whether you are biologically related to them or not.
you bound yourself to them socially and practically. They had no choice in the matter, they are children and therefore vulnerable/ dependent and they WILL be affected by their relationship with you (as
an adult they are forced to live with) whether you like/ choose to recognise that or not.
Great your DP has it sorted in your case.m - sounds like there may not be an issue. In the OP’s case there clearly is.

You're not hearing me. My DP does not put me in a position where I have to do things I don't want to do for DSS that he himself should be doing, to spare his feelings.

If OPs DP is not doing that, the issue is with him, not her. Because it's his job to put himself out to prioritise his children.

I heard what you said perfectly. I think your perspective monumentally selfish and irresponsible.

Tandora · 31/05/2022 20:50

*momentously

aSofaNearYou · 31/05/2022 20:51

I heard what you said perfectly. I think your perspective monumentally selfish and irresponsible.

And I find yours judgemental and controlling!

Tandora · 31/05/2022 20:52

whumpthereitis · 31/05/2022 17:57

The child’s perspective isn’t the only one that matters. I don’t think teaching them that it is, is a good thing either. That said, I don’t doubt that OP routinely puts herself out for them

And of course her own child is going to be her priority ! These aren’t children she’s adopted, and they know she’s not their mother. Not wanting to take them out every time she leaves the house isn’t the atrocity it’s being painted to be, and it’s ridiculous to say it’s indicative of her treating them badly.

Of course it’s not the only perspective that matters- but the children’s wellbeing comes first. Absolutely and always. If you don’t understand that you should never become a parent/ stepparent.

Tandora · 31/05/2022 20:56

aSofaNearYou · 31/05/2022 20:51

I heard what you said perfectly. I think your perspective monumentally selfish and irresponsible.

And I find yours judgemental and controlling!

To say that you are responsible for considering the feelings of children you have chosen to cohabit with, regardless of DNA?

aSofaNearYou · 31/05/2022 20:58

To say that you are responsible for considering the feelings of children you have chosen to cohabit with, regardless of DNA?

No, to say that because you are in a relationship with their father you have "bound yourself to them" and must do whatever their father desires of you even though those things would be far better and more appropriately handled by him himself, lest you be constantly accused of damaging them irreparably (no matter how minor the matter).

whumpthereitis · 31/05/2022 20:59

Tandora · 31/05/2022 20:52

Of course it’s not the only perspective that matters- but the children’s wellbeing comes first. Absolutely and always. If you don’t understand that you should never become a parent/ stepparent.

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Jesus Christ. Yes, poor kids, how inhumane, world’s smallest violin is playing for them, etc. She’s choosing to go out alone, not denying them oxygen. God forbid they entertain themselves in the presence of their father now and again.

Children’s wants are not always the highest priority within a family, and it’s not a bad thing for children to learn that either.

Lomytommy · 31/05/2022 21:02

I'd just come to say, most opinion seems to be YABU (which I completely agree) , but wait, the MN stepmummy brigade will come to the rescue soon, and I see they descended already! A special welcome to chief honcho dear sofa! Tell us how women are absolutely ok to dislike and even despise their sc, not include them in their mini nuclear unit families, society doesn't understand sms, tell op to join you at the sm board, enlighten us, please!

Tandora · 31/05/2022 21:02

aSofaNearYou · 31/05/2022 20:58

To say that you are responsible for considering the feelings of children you have chosen to cohabit with, regardless of DNA?

No, to say that because you are in a relationship with their father you have "bound yourself to them" and must do whatever their father desires of you even though those things would be far better and more appropriately handled by him himself, lest you be constantly accused of damaging them irreparably (no matter how minor the matter).

LOL that that’s your take on what I said. I never said anything about the fathers desires, I spoke only of the perspectives / feelings / wellbeing of the children.

By “bound yourself to them” I mean in the sense that you have created a relationship between you and them that will impact their lives enormously, whether you choose to recognise that or not. And that is on you.

whumpthereitis · 31/05/2022 21:04

Tandora · 31/05/2022 20:50

I heard what you said perfectly. I think your perspective monumentally selfish and irresponsible.

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Thank God for that. If I were Sofa I’d be quite pleased honestly, because ‘be nice, be kind’ only ever seems to mean ‘shut up and be a martyr’. It invariably never works in a woman’s favor.

aSofaNearYou · 31/05/2022 21:07

*LOL that that’s your take on what I said. I never said anything about the fathers desires, I spoke only of the perspectives / feelings / wellbeing of the children.

By “bound yourself to them” I mean in the sense that you have created a relationship between you and them that will impact their lives enormously, whether you choose to recognise that or not. And that is on you.*

What you consistently fail to understand is that the SC need not be upset.

I imagine you assume my DSC is devastated by all the things I don't do for him, but the reality is very different. His needs are tended to by his father, he is not left out of things, he has no reason to lament anything in that regard.

It is possible to have a partner without relying on them to meet your child's needs instead of you.