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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my husband is gravely ill at the wrong time? Thread 2

610 replies

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 30/05/2022 11:23

Continuing from 1st thread.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
33
olympicsrock · 21/06/2022 15:50

Hello @MyOtherCarIsAPorsche you are really having a bad trot. Older daughter needs rest! All very worrying. not sure I agree with Socrates. We make our own fortune…You get back what you put in.

I have had to help DS aged 10 learn the Tennyson poem “The charge of the light brigade” abs can now deliver a rendition.

This morning I finished operating at 4 am and then climbed a hill by the beach to see in the summer solstice . Utterly beautiful. I was very determined to make in on time. There were people chant Hari Krishna’s and I kept giggling . Imagine if I did my party piece too!
“Forward the light brigade!
“Charge for the guns” he said
Into the valley of death rode the six hundred.

It’e a truly beautiful piece.
I’m I looked at the JL craft kits . There is a beautiful succulent wreath but I might just buy the felt and crack on…

To think my husband is gravely ill at the wrong time?  Thread 2
Fraaahnces · 22/06/2022 03:17

@olympicsrock - you live in a lovely place. It was obviously Winter Solstice here in Aus. You’d never know it where I live. Am wearing shorts and allowing my very-white legs to return the sun’s gaze. (In other words, it’s not actually a million degrees here, but that won’t last long.)
@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche I think you need to ask yourself if the type of love you offer… Your own kind of “Love Language”, for want of a better description… Which seems to be sharing your whole self… Time, energy, emotion, creativity, etc… is either earned or deserved. Are you matyring yourself for your family because they truly have no other options, or because they don’t consider them? While I am mostly referring to your DH, I wonder about your DDs too. Are they aware of the severity of your heart condition? How would they feel if you fell off the perch in service to them? What if you were looking after kids and had a cardiac episode? Perhaps your DH needs to be slapped out of his self-indulgence and told that if he is spending money on his DDs, then perhaps he should consider asking what they REALLY want and need. Your DD with the little boy who can’t work because nursery won’t take him… Perhaps he could contribute to a nanny or au pair. (A nursing student, perhaps???) I’m sure the cost of a flipping cement mixer (that could have been bloody hired) would go some way towards that.

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/06/2022 10:38

@olympicsrock
i can no longer remember all the poetry and prose I used to recite. I sometimes recall an odd line here and there, especially snippets from The Bell Jar whose writer famously said Every woman loves a Fascist.

Stunning photograph. I didn't notice the longest day slip away.

I'm at home today. (My younger daughter is away.) I had a dream last night (don't usually remember them) that all my family were dancing, mainly the can-can, and then flinging themselves about in pure joy. Wildly moving to happy music. I felt such pleasure and pride watching them, but I wasn't dancing (I love dancing). And thinking about it now - I feel quite sad.

@Fraaahnces
I never get the opportunity to get my legs out. (Never wear skirts/dresses.). That's because my brother (a million years ago) teased that my legs look like dead spotty turkey flesh and slightly purple - which is possibly worse than white. Whenever I did wear shorts when young, he would say oh look, our *** has got the milk bottles out. The skin on my shins looks like dry fish scales. My legs devour moisturiser/body butter. Makes no difference. I never have time to sit in the sun. Whenever I get time for a rest it's dark, or freezing, or torrential rain, or foggy. 🤣

Well, aren't I feeling sorry for myself - I'm going to make another coffee and go and sit outside, instead of ploughing through all this work that I'm behind with and have a doze on one of those bloody ridiculous black recliners that he bought a month or so ago. (Probably actually won't get time.) The grass needs mowing (there's so much bloody grass) the house needs disinfecting and the laundry is piled higher than the pyramids. I'm never at home (I really miss having my grandsons here because I can usually get on with little jobs - they're so easy to have - my little treasures. Urgh - went into my Gollum impression there).

Oh - my husband cooked last night! He usually does all the cooking (it's not that great but if I told it how it was he'd never cook again). We sorted that old chestnut out fairly quickly. I'm not clearing up/washing dishes if I've cooked. Never have, never will. My dishwasher and I have a great relationship - woe betide anyone who stacks it incorrectly. However, I've very little idea who the cooker is - I occasionally throw stuff at it on a Sunday and hope for the best as that's when we have lots of family and guests around, but then there are lots of people available to do the dishes (I may need to supervise the dishwasher). Hopefully - he will cook again tonight and things can gradually return to 'normal'. Next step is to get him out of the house during the day so I can have my house back. (We had steak last night, and fruit salad afterwards - cherries (my absolute fave) strawberries, melon, pear and peach.) He's trying to spoil me. Wanted to know if I want a new car (casually threw that into the conversation). I think he's fed up of the spare bedroom (we have three). Don't think for a second that we have a massive house. There's just us. It's a normal (1924) three bed semi - extended over the years, the ones with the massive gardens to the rear. Been here 30 yrs. We have a large hall, two separate sitting rooms, a playroom for the children and a lovely sunny dining room (and a massive kitchen which I hate cleaning, mainly because of the mess he makes when he's cooking - can't have it all.) Our house was built on ancient orchards. We still have lots of fruit trees at the bottom of the garden in the old staggered arrangement. Sometimes one falls over and that's that. The old damson tree looks really decrepit but we still get a glut of fruit roughly every fourth year. My mum used to make tons of jam from them. We mainly have pear and apple left. We put fruit out in a basket at the front of the house in autumn and people take it - as do a lot of our neighbours.

Just found out that a very good friend of mine's daughter is also expecting twins - we're twin, twin nanas (that's not bananas).

I'm rambling.

Back to the laptop!

OP posts:
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/06/2022 11:05

Right!

That IS IT!

He's gone out. I could tell he had ants in his pants. He's bloody gone out (hasn't told me where).

I reclaim my bloody house! 🥳

Bet he wasn't in Monday and Tuesday either - no wonder he kept ringing and asking what time I would be home.

Time to crack open the Jamaican Ginger Cake!

Elevenses!

OP posts:
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/06/2022 11:06

That was my John Cleese impression - could you tell?

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 22/06/2022 11:21

Part of me wants to shake you… Most of me wants to give you a giant cuddle, shove you down onto the couch with a pillow and a blanket and bring you a cup of tea (and more ginger cake - I bloody love ginger anything…) or some wine/gin/whatever and then ask you to write a list so I can get to it.

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/06/2022 12:55

He's back.

He's been to the barbers. He told them keep it longer to annoy the wife. Absolutely no improvement - still a matchstick man with a changed/warped brain.

I came outside to mow the grass. Can't get the mower started. I'm not asking him. It's too hot to be in the sun anyhow. Hopefully my son can get it going when it's cooler.

There's air con in the man cave - I'm off in there to knit.

OP posts:
Feministwoman · 22/06/2022 15:35

If he has selfishly taken over the playroom, you take over the mancave, and have the GC in there

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/06/2022 17:19

I'd like to take over the man cave with the children. Unfortunately it has a polished resin floor - resin on top of concrete. Not suitable for the youngest who spends the majority of time knocking lumps off his head. His helmet is good but he's fallen forwards and reshaped his nose a few times. Also, H wouldn't like fingerprints on his polished pool table and the floor to ceiling windows.

We'll be back next week.

Didn't take it that easy today - washed, polished and hoovered a couple of cars. I'm slightly sun burned. (Apart from my legs which reflect the sun's ray back up. I'm wearing a pair of old jeans cut off at the knee. And my clogs. Also, appropriate underwear and a vest - I'm not topless. Unlike my next door neighbour who strips off as soon as the sun comes out (she's 10 yr older than me.) Was in Tesco once and heard a little voice saying Oooo mummy that's the clog lady 😳. A wooden sole is the only way my feet have any hope of getting anywhere near comfortable - my feet hurt to bend. Usually scholls in summer but need a new pair. Hurrah for wooden footwear.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 22/06/2022 18:21

I lived in the Netherlands for years. Not uncommon to see road workers using wooden clogs as “safety” shoes. Personally, I love 70’s style clogs, but heels are out due to wonky EDS ankles. (Newborn baby animals spring to mind, but far less adorable.)
I think you and your kids need to band together and work out the ways in which you are all facilitating your DH’s twattery and make it stop.
Have the kids over in your house if you want. It’s your place too.

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 22/06/2022 20:34

@Fraaahnces
one of my daughters describes her ankles as spaghetti ankles.

yes - I'm having the children over starting from next week.

he's still in the playroom - his tv drowns mine out but at least I can watch what I want without having to go upstairs to watch.

it's sewing bee tonight. I'd love to be able to sew. My daughter is brilliant at sewing. She makes quite a bit of stuff.

we've had quite a delivery today. You wouldn't believe it. Massive lorry with crane on the back reversing up the drive. It's hideous. Like something out of the Flinstones. A hugmongous table and two benches. It looks ridiculous. It'll never move - must weigh a few tons. Stone plinths with massive chunk of different stone on top. Laughable. I'm embarrassed. Don't want anyone to see it. Next door neighbour has already been laughing at it.

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 22/06/2022 22:21

evening OP - sounds like DS has become a proper caveman. Despite this it is lovely to here that things are moving a tiny bit towards normality even if it is a John Cleese type of normality. Thank you for sharing your story with such humour. You do make me smile.
much love xxx

Fraaahnces · 23/06/2022 00:11

WTAF is he up to?

HannahSternDefoe · 23/06/2022 04:38

A hugmongous table and two benches. It looks ridiculous. It'll never move - must weigh a few tons. Stone plinths with massive chunk of different stone on top. Laughable. I'm embarrassed. Don't want anyone to see it. Next door neighbour has already been laughing at it.

With a mock-Stonehenge in your garden and the longer hair, do you think he's becoming a Druid? 🤔😂

Zonder · 23/06/2022 07:19

Stonehenge table? I think I'd have told the delivery man he had the wrong address 😆

peridito · 23/06/2022 08:48

No prizes for who will be the first willing sacrifice made by Druid man on the recently delivered altar.

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 23/06/2022 10:01

🤣🤣🤣

He had breakfast at his altar.

I'm going to put more food out for the birds - there's poop on it already.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 23/06/2022 10:45

I’m picturing Henry VIII…. Give him a lamb shank and a codpiece…

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 23/06/2022 12:35

Much earlier than Henry 🤣

He needs animal skin loin cloth, large club and a sabre toothed tiger.

I've been through the Online sales this morning and ordered a few designer bits 😉

OP posts:
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 23/06/2022 21:52

We went out this evening. Only local. Lovely warm evening. We had a pint at our local Sam Smith's and then went and sat outside our favourite Italian. Next to the abbey - fabulous setting. The bells were ringing.

We both had a micro cry. Don't think anyone noticed. He's very scared - dying. He's got central chest pain, shoulder pain,
abdomen pain and his blood pressure has been high since coming off aspirin and going on clopidogrel. He's just scared. And now I'm scared. He's going to wait until his consultant appointment, which should've been on Monday, but it was cancelled. It's now July.

Anyway, we had a lovely meal, had a
chat with a couple up here from north London for a wedding. Small world - they know my husband's, father's wife (her daughter lives near them).

We had a very slow walk home. Talked about lovely things. It's very sad really. Just feel sad. And low.

And he's just frightened of me being on my own.

OP posts:
friskybivalves · 24/06/2022 00:43

Hello Flowers - you sound so unusually deflated this evening. I've been working late and just checked in on your thread as I tend to do, to catch up on your astonishing feats of plate spinning and generally walking on water.

He worries about you being lonely! You! Lonely! When you are totally immersed in the lives of your daughters and grandchildren, and the love you all have for each other flows through every word you write...

However, as you say he is actually scared, and perhaps in a pretty much ongoing panic attack. Flailing about doing daft things, overstretching himself whether in buying stuff or doing stuff or just being unpleasant. Almost as if he is bringing on whatever fate has in store. Come on then! Do your worst!

Maybe you need more gentle nights like this one. Simple things like a pint and a walk, and a chat. Gentle. (if you can get past the ick, and your Dd's don't need you...) And any chance of getting that appt brought forward if he is in such pain? Olympia R might have some ideas!

Night night. And some unmumsnetty hugs..

impossible · 24/06/2022 02:48

Checking in too as I often do. Been helping my DS pack to go travelling as he's off tomorrow.

Sorry OP that things seem to ricochet from one drama to the next. You are clearly the linchpin of your family, keeping everything together, but you are only human so please be kind to yourself. And proud of yourself - there is so much love in your family and you are the source of it

The main reason I'm writing though is to say that you are a wonderful descriptive writer. I wonder if you could find some time to write about your life - as it has been and as it is now. I imagine your family would love such a record and you might find it therapeutic and empowering. I think you'd also get some pleasure from framing your own narrative. You're obviously very creative and I'm sure you would produce a wonderful read.

Zonder · 24/06/2022 07:26

That is so hard OP. Thinking of you

MermaidSwimmer · 24/06/2022 07:58

De lurking to give you a massive unmumsnett hug. I agree above doing the small simplier things with DH may build the connection as your both in v.high fight or flight mode from the trauma of last few weeks. If the worst does happen then at least you have found some reconnection if it doesn’t you have some common ground the build on again. And please make time to enjoy the things that feed your soul-battery or your family won’t have you to lean on either.

legosnowqueen · 24/06/2022 09:15

That sounds like an emotional evening. Please see if the appointment can be brought forward, ask to be called if there are cancellations. Hope you have a calmer weekend Flowers