To think my husband is gravely ill at the wrong time? Thread 2

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

Continuing from 1st thread.

Ah - so he can't stop apologising today. He's aware that he's 'losing it'. (He reaches apoplectic fairly quickly.). He's aware he's spending too much but it's stuff he's always wanted (bucket type stuff). It's also how he's been speaking to people and treating them that's also really odd. When I asked if he thought it was some sort of brain damage he was very offended.

This has all come about because he seriously 'lost it' with his friend yesterday. His friend was doing him a big favour, but apparently as my husband was watching he thought he could do it himself much better and told his friend to get out of the way. His friend was really hurt. He's been apologising to a lot of people in fact. So it's not just me - I think he's upset everyone he's had contact with. I doubt his mother will ever speak to him again.

If you tell him to calm down, his face goes purple with rage and it makes him worse. This happened in the car as I was taking him somewhere.

I am just saying - he wasn't like this before and I've had this different person with me since he came out of hospital after his surgery.

He wants me to accept that it is what it is and he doesn't really mean it. I have to have a thicker skin and put up with it/ignore it because he's said that he doesn't mean it. I said that I can't abide that sort of behaviour and I would rather live on my own in a filthy hovel than put up with more verbal abuse. He looked so shocked when I said the word 'abuse'. He can't see it as that. He thinks he's right and that everyone else is wrong and they refuse to listen to him and see sense. And it makes him angry.

I don't like angry men.

I suggested that I should say a code word whenever he is starting to become hateful. He said I could try but couldn't guarantee it would work. He knows he's losing control of his temper and can't rein it in.

I haven't chosen a word. The only ones I can think of at the moment are offensive. So it needs to be a fluffy word - like blanket or something.

He's right of course - it won't work.

Time will tell. Here we go.

Are you familiar with the Karpman Drama Triangle OP? It's fascinating stuff.

I wonder what the other older women in your family are making of the whole situation?

I know @olympicsrock would know Thai better than me but could his behaviour be down to anaesthesia and long periods very unwell.

I know I was 'odd' for a while after and angry at the loss of me as a person.

Not making excuses it's just an observation and I have no medical experience .

It certainly sounds as if he has had a personality change which may be caused by something medical. It must be really hard for you OP, that he is so different.

I wonder if it is worth seeing if you could have a telephone consultation with his GP about it, or if they are not up for that, then a phone call to your own GP, saying how it is affecting you, to see if they can suggest a pathway.

But what's so odd is that he is so aware of the change and yet expects you just to put up with it. As if a code word would enable him to change his ways.

Hello OP I typed out a reply this morning which has disappeared! It was lovely to hear that you and DH reconnected over your meal out even if it was sad that he’s in pain and scared.

I think you should drop Mr C a letter to let him know that DH has ongoing chest and abdo pain . I think it may represent a bit of ongoing aortic instability although there are masses of other possibilities such as just chest wall pain from the op and a stress ulcer with all the aspirin .
the clopidogrel will not be the cause of BP issues.

That way they have it on the radar.

I think that DH’s behaviours now is a combination of PTSD and “pump head”. It is well known for people to have personality and cognitive issues after being on a pump and being cooled on table. I think he needs counselling. Sometimes the ICU arrange this for ‘survivors’. You could ask if the ICU or coronary care offers this.
look after you too please. My idea was that you could write a little journal of special memories with the grandchildren as their special book to look back on. My mum did this for my nephews when their mother was in hospital for months. They loved it.

I’m so proud of you for having these conversations with him. Abusers are always able to “justify” their behaviour to avoid seeing themselves as such. They are still able to see themselves as the good guy no matter what they do or say. The fact that your DH is okay with you running yourself into the ground while you are clearly not well too, proves to me that he either is, or has become the centre of his very own universe and expects everyone to revolve around him as he decrees. I think he needs counselling, and you need medical treatment. (Although it seems that this is happening at glacial speed for you.) Big hugs!!!

@olympicsrock

Do you think it could be more than 'pumphead' ? More like permanent damage? He is swinging wildly from aggressive/argumentative to outgoing/life and soul of the party and he's never been either. If anything I would have said he was slightly antisocial and reserved. We've always kept ourselves to ourselves and had a quiet, calm, insular life. He's now planning holidays, meals, parties, concerts, rugby/football matches - it's not me and it's not really him. If I don't go with the flow I'll be the 'bad' person.

We've had a lot of family around today (Saturday) it was my son's 30th birthday. I manoeuvred the talk around to his personality change (not to dampen the atmosphere it was done in good humour) and everyone concurred. I put him on the spot and he was great! He was ambushed and the situation was discussed - and without repercussion. His family sort of told him off for being an absolute arsehole and he accepted that he's got to be more aware and in control. Then my daughter's mil and fil said that exactly the same thing had occurred to them after fil's op (same surgeon as H coincidentally). She said that she thought it would never end but it did. So there is some hope. Then my husband's wife sent me a message this evening saying that H's father is still having similar outbursts several years after major surgery - they lost friends because of it, although they are few and far between now.

I have written a letter and will pop it in the post tomorrow (today). He's certainly not as well as he was two weeks ago.

Not my husband's wife 🙄 - my husband's father's wife. She's a fabulous woman.

I finished knitting this tonight - a rainbow coloured blanket. Got to do another one now.

I love the rainbow coloured blanket!
The personality/ cognitive brain changes essentially represent tiny areas of brain damage. The brain is ‘plastic’ ie it is able to remodel to some extent and you can train it ( grow new neural connections) in the same way that people recover after stroke.
It may be that he is never exactly the same as he was before this happened ( trauma shapes us) but there is certainly hope for recovery.

it sounds like the collective family chat was a good thing. He now knows that it is ‘him’ not ‘you’ . You are not making this up.

IF he has insight and gets therapy he might be able to dampen down this behaviour more quickly . Time is a healer too xx

@olympicsrock I've just PM'd you to ask if treating "pump head" with anti depressants and similar might slow down building neural connections ,make that plasticity more rigid .
Didn't want to derail but also don't want to intrude on your time ,so do feel free to ignore .

I love that joyful blanket - is there a knitting pattern or did you just make it up?
It's good that you had the family get together and the way the conversation went. People do seem to understand what you are going through with your dh.
It feels as if dh is beginning to let you in with regards to how he is feeling.

On reflection I guess it's treating the symptoms /behaviour induced by trauma/"pump head" .
Interesting stuff though ,would it be similar situation for those suffering PTSD from being in IC with Covid ,and other afflications ?

forgive sp - hayfever driving me insane .

It feels as if dh is beginning to let you in with regards to how he is feeling - yes ,that has to be a step forward .

@Norachance

super chunky yarn x 10
10mm needles
68 st
moss stitch
no special cast on/cast off

knits up really quickly

my fave yarn is 4ply - was like knitting with lamp posts.

my daughter chose the yarn - I asked if she wanted two smaller blankets or one large. She said one large. A little later - can I have two large?

think yarn cost just over £36

Thank you! It just looks such a happy project.

that blanket is a thing of beauty… Thinks guiltily about the alpaca wool I have had sitting in the garage to a crotchet granny square one for about three or four years untouched.

*Now wondering if it’s alpaca or merino…

@olympicsrock

H has been having chest pain since last week.

He's on his recliner, then bolting for the loo to be sick after everything he drinks. He's sweating but doesn't have a temp.

He's rung the GP a couple of times. They said it sounded like muscle pain. Today they prescribed antibiotics.

It hurts when he breathes in and he says he's worried.

I seriously think you need to call an ambulance for him.
The paramedics can do an ecg and if something is different from the trace he was discharged with will take him straight in.

Oh, and your GP practice and their telephone diagnosis of "muscle strain" - wasn't that what he didn't have in April?

Yes, please do this.

Absolutely call the Ambulance. If DH is admitted, then that’s twice now your bloody GP’s been negligent. Chest pain is ALWAYS considered an emergency, especially given the age demographic and previous history.

Hope DH has got the help he needs.