To think my husband is gravely ill at the wrong time? Thread 2

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

Continuing from 1st thread.

@olympicsrock

John Lewis have nice craft kits in their haberdash. My granddaughter and I make the pom pom animals.

My older daughter rang 111 this morning and has been taken to hospital by ambulance. She's not slept for the past few nights due to left sided abdominal pain and now has 38.7 temp. I'm worried about the scarring from her hernia operations having caused damage. The ambulance bloke said colitis. She's waiting for an operation on the scarring - this has been going on for 6 years (hernia and abdominal pain). It could be EDS related.

I have her three children until she's home. My husband won't allow them to come to our home - which would make me more relaxed and comfortable because I could get on with jobs whilst they play.

Oh - just had a phone call from a nurse in A&E because my daughter has fainted and is still unconscious. She was asking me about her medical background. Can't get through to daughter and she's not messaging yet.

I will continue to work through my daughter's washing piles which are spread about on the landing - after I make lunch. There's no food in the house so after crisps and biscuits I'll have to get the children in her car and go to the supermarket. (She usually does the supermarket shopping on Sunday morning.)

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche , that all sounds so difficult and worrying for you.

But why on earth does your husband get to dictate that your GC cannot be looked after by you in your own home, where it is easier for you?

What kind of selfish person would want to make your life even harder than it already is, at the moment?

Has he always been this monumentally selfish?

I can see why you have the ick… He’s a selfish monster.

^^ this.

Oh absolutely - he's probably always been selfish but I've not necessarily noticed how much until he's been housebound. Just wish he'd bugger off somewhere now during the day so that I can get back to my normal.

We'd normally just have a bit of banter on an evening then he'd go to bed and I would work/watch tv and knit.

The thing is - he has a fully equipped man cave halfway down the garden. Air conditioning, pool table, tv, music system, fridge, large sofa. It's a spacious place. He's refused to go down there. He's made house in the children's playroom, lying on their reclining sofa and spreading out all his paraphernalia which has also overtaken the dining room. I attempted to tidy whilst he was overnight at the static and was shouted at when he got back because 'he couldn't find anything'. I put boxes and boxes of stuff in the garage and his man cave just to make the house look at bit normal again.

My knitting can tend to spread over a couple of sofa seats but it's put away every night.

My daughter is just waiting for blood test results and to see another doctor - no idea why, she's been there all day, blood test could've been done as soon as she got there. They're going to make her an appointment for some scans. Can't see me getting much done at home today - the day's gone now. Sunday is my day for catching up and turning round for the following week. I have no laundry done and possibly nothing clean to wear tomorrow. I can see me having to stay up late and wait for a load to finish to get in the tumbler so it's dry for morning. No - my husband doesn't know how to use a washing machine - he'd probably deliberately put something dark in with lights and ruin a load anyway. But then again, I've no idea how to start our lawn mower - I did try, but the pull thingy didn't start the engine, so I had to get my son to cut the grass this past few months. I've never been able to get the petrol strimmer going either. No - he won't allow me to get a gardener, cleaner, window cleaner - we've always managed between us - though I have to nag before the upstairs windows get cleaned as I can't stand heights.

Can't see me getting home anytime soon - the hospital is hour and half round trip and I'm still waiting for my daughter to ring to say she's had the results and seen a different doctor.

I'll be on the school run again in just over 12 hours.

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche I know he is unwell but do you think losing your shit with him might help? Wake him up a bit?
And tell him as he is professing to be better you and his children need him.

I wouldn't hold your breath that your daughter will see anyone before tomorrow.

Just heard from her

It's a kidney stone - a scan is booked for tomorrow. She's waiting to see a different doctor again now. They're still sending her home. She's been crying with pain for a couple of hours now. They've finally given her some pain relief.

waiting for message to go get her.

Hope she's comfortable overnight.

There's no point trying to reason with him - he's changed beyond tolerable. A different person - you never really know someone.

re your own house and the chores etc, now that the situation has changed, for both of you, why don't you just arrange for a gardener, cleaner etc to come.
what do you mean he won't allow you.
don't you have access to your own or joint money.
just get them in. i can understand that previously he felt it was unnecessary, since he was very active and did a manual job.
but that's all changed now. is in the past. won't return.
there is no virtue in needless suffering.
so much that you cannot control; makes sense to take charge and arrange what you can to ease the load.
don't waste energy trying to convince him, just do it.
all the best, and for your daughter.

I really don't know how you are managing to stay upright. Between your husband, children and grandchildren you are torn in so many directions that it's a wonder you are not in hospital yourself. Please start insisting on getting some help for yourself and having your grandchildren in your own home to make life easier for yourself. Your husband has his man cave that he can easily retreat to, so it's not like they will be on top of him. You have to take care of your self and others need to realise this.

Just had a call to say daughter is unconscious again.

She's being taken for a CT scan now.

My husband has gone to bed - he won't wait any longer. I can't pick her up now. She'll have to get a taxi.

I hope they decide to keep your daughter in to keep an eye on her, at least until she has her scan and they decide how to proceed. At least then they can keep on top of her pain relief and hopefully you will all get some sleep.

I don’t understand why your husband isn’t rallying round more, is he afraid for his health or has he just disconnected from you, his children and grandchildren? Send him to live in the static if he wants that much peace and get yourself a gardener and cleaner so you can focus on what’s important, you and your family.

god bless x

Oh love…. 😢

You are under so much stress and do so much supporting. Is there anyone who supports you? I hope they sort your DD up soon.

Blimey talk about one thing after another
you poor thing
nothing ever straightforward
bless you

OP I hope your daughter is ok and that the hospital kept her in .I imagine hoping for speedy treatment for her is futile .

It seems that the dynamic in your marriage is not good .Your husband holds all the power ? You're not on an equal footing when it comes to finances ?He can spend what he likes and dictate whether paying for outside help with gardening or cleaning is allowed ?And whether the grandchildren are allowed to visit ?

Are you also dependent on him for transport ? My husband has gone to bed - he won't wait any longer. I can't pick her up now. She'll have to get a taxi.

I guess this status quo is of long standing and changing it not easy .But surely it needs addressing rather than tolerating .Can you discuss with him ? Are there any relatives or friends who could help you tackle this ?

It seems that there is little affection between the two of you but at the least a more equitable distribution of finances and decisions would make life more bearable and maybe stop you both ending up actively disliking eachother .

I’m sorry things aren’t getting any easier for you.
Your husband is a very difficult man.
I wish it were simply a matter of you overruling him and doing whats best for you. I do understand life can’t always be so simple.
Keep going, and let off steam on here if it helps. The mumsnet sisterhood seem to be well and truely behind you.

I have two cars! My usual one is in the garage for service and first mot. (Dropped off Friday.) I pick it up soon.

My other car is in a unit just out of town. (15 min drive.). My husband spends quite a bit of time there (normally). His work stuff is there along with his hobby stuff - he tinkers with old cars. The unit has hydraulic car ramps and other engineering equipment. I only use my other car occasionally. It wasn't picked up on Friday because I didn't think I needed it this weekend. I thought I was staying at home - not doing hospital runs. Don't like to keep this one at home - we live on a main road and you never know who's watching. There have been quite a few targeted thefts locally.

I have my own savings and pension which I haven't drawn on yet. My income is from my evening work - done on my laptop from home. This keeps me ticking over nicely.

My husband also has a good private pension which he hasn't drawn. His gas engineering company is still current - our son is mainly running it. We also have some income from properties we own.

We got home from the hospital at 2am. My daughter had a call at 8.30am to say it's not kidney stone, although kidney area is inflamed - she has Epiploic Appendagitis - apparently linked to Mast Cell Activation Disorder and hEDS. She's just gone back in to hospital to see a consultant and pick up some prescriptions.

My daughter became unconscious a couple of times yesterday due to low blood pressure. The consultant she just saw has told her to be aware of the symptom of sepsis. She's on a couple of types of antibiotics now so should be feeling better soon. He told her that there will be fat deposits, attached to the sigmoid bowel, which are twisting and dying. This causes inflammation and pain. We're going to do some research on Mast Cell inducing foods.

Just happened to read this Op & wanted to share the Internationally recognised list of low histamine foods. In case you haven't found it.

I have MCAS & was in a bit of pickle at first following a number of different sources. Now I only use this one, recommended by my Dr. Stick with the 0 & 1's!

www.mastzellaktivierung.info/downloads/foodlist/21_FoodList_EN_alphabetic_withCateg.pdf

I hope life calms down about for you soon. This is exhausting even to read! 🙁

I don't know if your daughter's dx counts as a good thing (because it is a dx) or a bad thing because of the issues diagnosed .

So glad you're secure financially and I agree so much with HennyPenny's post especially I wish it were simply a matter of you overruling him and doing whats best for you. I do understand life can’t always be so simple

Ironically, my DH is being investigated for MCAS… If that is the problem, then he will probably slowly kill himself. Absolutely unable to change his ways. I have given up on FIL for doing the same. He’s supposed to be on a diabetic, low fibre diet. Has had treatment for stage 4 bowel cancer and his second stoma is herniated due to putting on so much weight. (He’s type 2… chemo caused enough weight loss that he went entirely off his diabetes meds, but now he’s happily dunking several packets of biscuits in sugary tea while he sits on his skin sores, complaining about the advice of doctors, nurses and Physios)

It's a bit restrictive - that diet. It explains a lot. There's quite a few foods she avoids already - all contra indicated on that list.

@Fraaahnces

Will power - it's hard to conquer.

Sometimes wish I had more will power. I can drink tea black, no sugar. My treat is strong coffee but it has to have sugar - I wish I could give sugar up. Was fighting a craving for Mars Bars last night and gave in. It's incredibly hard to change - I wish I could.

I gave up sugar years ago (chronic aura/borderline seizure migraines… was prescribed a “sensible” Keto diet to see if it helped. It did, and allowed me to eventually drop some kilos and dropped my inflammation markers from rheumatoid arthritis right back too.) I fell off the bandwagon at Christmas and am only just getting back on the horse - with tight clothes and painful joints. It’s very, very hard to give up sugar.

@Fraaahnces I'm going to look into the keto diet. (She says dunking rich tea biscuits into a large mug of sugared coffee.) Ahem.

Just been having a good old cry. Read a quote from Socrates, which I can't remember properly - those who are hardest to love are the ones who need it most.

Obviously we know this - bullies and all that. But it touched a nerve. Can't stop the snot and the shoulder heaves. I'm really releasing a valve.

(My grandsons are sleeping - just had a longer than usual school run.)

You know the drunken sop, going round professing 'I really love you'? Sometimes I think I love too much? And I end up feeling hurt?

I'm hurting today - probably over tired. Feeling unappreciated.

On another note, husband was hopping mad yesterday. His 3pm appointment was cancelled at lunchtime. This was his 6 wk check post surgery. It's now at the end of July.

My older daughter has gone to work - she looks shocking. She's still in agony - but this behaviour probably comes from me (the fear of letting people down).

My younger daughter who is now 27wks (twins) is on holiday. Looks like a lovely place on the east coast - great weather for it.