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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my husband is gravely ill at the wrong time? Thread 2

610 replies

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 30/05/2022 11:23

Continuing from 1st thread.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
33
olympicsrock · 07/06/2022 14:09

Thanks goodness for the GP. I Suspect DH is right about more blood thinners. I do hope the stroke team involve the surgical team though. The cause of this could be different from standard ‘eye TIA’.
Quick call to the cardiothoracic secretary to make them aware?

poor little grandson !

incredibly frustrating for you OP xxx

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 07/06/2022 14:41

@olympicsrock

I've tried to ring the professor's secretary. Can't get through.

He's had a CT at Hospital 1 - waiting for an ultrasound. He'd rather be at hospital 2 where the professor is.

But then again, he's said that he can't see himself getting any better and his days are numbered. He's convinced he's dying.

OP posts:
HumourReplacementTherapy · 07/06/2022 18:11

Oh fucking hell, I am so sorry for all you're going through. I don't know how you're putting one foot in front of the other DaffodilGin
Each time I see your thread in active I hope he's come to his senses but obviously not.
My dsis suffered from post op psychosis and went on a mad mad spending spree. Totally irrational and very frightening but she had some kind of god/power complex. I didn't recognise her. She even looked different
Sending you the warmest of hugs over the internet.

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 07/06/2022 21:11

I think I understand where your husband is coming from in a way. He has been fighting fit for years and has now experienced a frightening, painful, vulnerable episode that he is struggling to recover from. If he is thinking that the past couple of months are indicative of his prospective future I can understand why he trying to go full pelt at life and ‘get his affairs in order’. He’s probably terrified of it all happening again and would rather ignore it for as long as he can. I have a fear of hospitals and being left in pain so I can understand.

obviously none of this is fair on you, hopefully the stroke clinic will clear him of anything serious but will give him strict guidelines on medication and taking it easy.

Your poor daughter and grandson are really going through it. I would have expected doctors to be more proactive for a child his age. Has he had a brain CT or MRI?

take care lovely lady

olympicsrock · 07/06/2022 21:13

Well done for trying. Glad he’s had a CT scan, hope they are looking at carotids and aortic arch not just Brain… ultrasound will be very helpful though.

Courage coming down the wire to you! Much love xxx

EarringsandLipstick · 07/06/2022 21:27

OP, I had followed your previous thread to a point & then lost it ... spotted this one & am shocked to see all you are going through now w DGS / DD as well as DH

You are remarkably strong (as is your DD by the sounds of it).

I'm glad you've got good advice here - special kudos to @olympicsrock for the advice, right down to providing their bona fides

I hope things improve for you all soon 💐

notapizzaeater · 08/06/2022 07:28

Been thinking about you all night, hope alls ok.

legosnowqueen · 08/06/2022 08:29

Thinking about you, hope you're okay, such a lot going on...

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 08/06/2022 08:42

Im so sorry for you OP, is there any chance of your DH using his funds to get a private scan for your grandson? Would he consider doing that, at least the money isnt going to waste then.

ItWillBeDone · 08/06/2022 16:46

Oh gosh OP. I'm so pleased he's in hospital and hope he's getting the treatment he needs. Big hugs to you.

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 08/06/2022 18:43

His scans were all good. He's just got home.

What a relief.

He's on a 300 dose of aspirin for a fortnight and then goes onto 75 of clopidogrel.

I was sat on my own yesterday evening and I kept seeing dark 'movement' just out the corner of my eye. When I get really stressed I can sometimes 'see things' which I imagine to be mice, rats, spiders, which aren't really there. I looked to my left last night and the biggest spider was inches from my head on the back of the sofa. I posted a photo of it on our group chat and my son came round and did the pint pot and knitting pattern trick and put spider down the garden. I couldn't relax all evening so I ended up going to bed extra early - I was wide awake at 4am and I'm shattered this evening. Going to try to stay up as late as possible.

He's going to our little static in Northumberland tomorrow to start the decking (it was new last October and it's not really little - 8 berth). He's roped in two friends but I bet he won't be sat watching them do all the work. 🙄

OP posts:
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 08/06/2022 18:48

Was trying to add photo of my visitor but it won't upload.

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 08/06/2022 21:13

That is great news. I was awake at 4 am in sympathy!
so there was just a little clot somewhere but no dissection.
He needs to be a little careful taking the aspirin 300mg - make sure it’s not on an empty stomach. If he starts getting indigestion then he needs to get something to protect his stomach lining. He is a sitting duck for a ‘stress ulcer’ at the moment after all the adrenaline and surgical stress. Should lay off the booze for next 2 weeks too. Will be fine once on clopidogrel.

Wishing you a better night sleep tonight! Chaos here at football training tonight. Little field car park was rammed by idiots taking their children for trials, blocking everyone in. I had to be the self appointed traffic warden barring people from coming in until we had got a few people out! Couldn’t stand back and watch in the end! Quite funny though!

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 08/06/2022 22:13

Heeeeeeere's Johnny!

He was much bigger than he looks.

Also quite ugly considering he's a spider.

Excuse the messy sofa - I was sorting out a few projects I have on the go.

I thought he would disappear before my son arrived and had to look at him for ages before my son arrived.

@olympicsrock

My soon to be son in law has to 'police' parent's cars in and out of a small car park at changeover time. He trains a few football teams - from 3yrs upwards. He plays himself in a local league and works for a rugby football club.

My husband hasn't had a drink (alcohol)
since he became unwell. Talking about drink - I'm not sure he's drinking enough. He only likes milk. He won't drink water. He has quite a few hot drinks though. I was filling a litre drinks bottle with water and trying to get him to finish it - he says he's trying but he says he's in the loo every 10 min. 🙄

I think I've found a paediatric neurologist that I may look into - she does a clinic in Leeds. Grandson had an episode at home this evening whilst he was eating - he dropped to the floor and started choking as he had taken a snack from his sister's school bag. His face changed colour, but then he came round and coughed up some raisins. We've been thinking - he's 19 months old, not walking yet, and we don't think that he shows understanding, if you know what I mean. He doesn't cooperate when he's being dressed/changed. He doesn't hold up his foot for a sock or a shoe to be put on. He doesn't hold his arm out, pull his arm out when putting on/taking off coats. He doesn't follow an instruction/suggestion. He never sits still - apart from his 'episodes' when he's frozen and unblinking, twitching slightly. It's quite worrying.

To think my husband is gravely ill at the wrong time?  Thread 2
OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 08/06/2022 23:09

Op surely the house is in your name too? And you can call the agent to say you’re not selling? You really don’t need this on top of the health concerns!

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 09/06/2022 00:03

@timeisnotaline

I am going with the flow. He perhaps thinks he's doing it for me. I haven't signed any paperwork. I'm watching and waiting. He cancelled the estate agent as he went to hospital instead.

I'm a bit bemused - no idea what's coming next. Feeling numb possibly.

He's always wanted to go to the Himalayas - could that be on the horizon?

Maybe I'll become a hermit and go and live in my static caravan - alone and serenely peaceful. (I'd hate that.)

Something has to give .... it'll probably be me, knowing my luck. (I sound a bit like Adrian Mole 13 and 3/4 there.)

I feel like I can't concentrate for any length of time - that's not me. I could knit, read a book/magazine and watch TV at the same time (get the gist of a tv program) at some point in the past. Now I can't manage one single thing without messing up. I can't remember text for the life of me. Have to watch programs several times and still forget parts of them. Keep making silly mistakes when knitting so that I'm getting nowhere fast. My mind flits from one thing to another so that nothing gets done. I can clean, cook and organise for others but can't be bothered for myself.

I think that my world is suddenly looking uncertain. I don't really like 'uncertain', but then again, can't say I like certainty. It all seems so final. I've never been so nervous for such a long time before. It's a huge cloud of dread - anticipation of the next crap thing to rock up and smack me in the face. It's all dread and fear really - at the moment.

I've been trying to make light of it - but it's clearly all dark and bleak. Who am I kidding? Only myself.

I don't like my husband's current behaviour and I don't like mine.

This huge 'thing' happened - and it's changed us.

Think I'm possibly crashing.

On a sentimental note - my granddaughter was fast asleep in her pushchair whilst I was in a greetings card shop this morning, crying my eyes out after reading an engagement card I had picked for my daughter and her partner. I could hear sobs and realised it was me. I was sobbing and I don't think it was the card? The assistant was lovely - she said it happens all the time. She was just probably wanting to make me feel better. My throat feels 'choked' most of the day, every day. I keep catching glimpses of myself - I see a miserable old man staring back. What will others think?

Everything is jumbled and messy. I don't like mess.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 09/06/2022 00:11

Oh darling! I wish I could come and give you a giant (spider-free) hug! I think crying is a logical response to everything you’re dealing with. I am wondering if your DH has been kicked into some kind of midlife crisis and his big fright is enabling justification for doing things because he wants to, but would normally have put other people before him.

Lougle · 09/06/2022 06:48

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche I am still lurking, often saying nothing because others have already said it better. I just have to say that you are holding up a million plates and if you feel like one or two are crashing to the ground, that's completely normal.

Can you get your DS referred to a developmental pediatrician? They'll be slightly different to a neuro paed, although some areas have nerodevelopmental paediatricians, just to muddy the waters.

Can you check whether your DD could self-refer to SALT and audiology? The first step is to work out whether your DGS has hearing difficulties, or a delay in understanding, etc., or a delay in attention skills.

olympicsrock · 09/06/2022 08:13

Oh darling I too am sending you a massive non spidery hug! Your visitor was huge!

It’s no surprise that you are feeling as you do. It’s post traumatic stress disorder with the added anxiety that everything will come crashing down.

Re DH: I don’t think it will come crashing down. The investigations yesterday were reassuring. Just a bit of clot on the graft ( flagged up by the eye TIA) . The antiplatelets aspirin and clopidogrel will sort that out.
It sounds like physically he’s doing quite well - just behaving like a dick because he is so traumatised.

At least because of you this minor hiccup will stay minor.

Re your little grandson - your worries about his development not being normal sound real. I remember my babies helping with their nappy changes and dressing once they know what is happening.

Is the health visitor involved? They often do the 12 months and 24 month checks and can be good as spotting subtle developmental issues.

I think all you can do is hang in there. I’ve just walked down to put my bins out and swung my arms in the sunshine. Felt really good to move and breathe.

love and strength xxx

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 09/06/2022 09:43

My older daughter's three children are all referred and awaiting appointments. Combination of hEDS, autism and developmental delay. There are two appointments coming up in the summer holidays.

Her 6 yr old daughter, according to the podiatrist is 9.9 out of 10 for the stage of insoles she needs (legs still not straight) still experiencing knee and leg pain. She has meltdowns due to pain. She struggles at school with regards to lack of friends due to not responding to anyone. She ignores people! She chooses not to speak. (Just like her mum!)

Her older son - very 'bendy', 2 and half, potty trained since 2 yrs, very thoughtful, kind and helpful, completely non verbal. He had a hearing test last month - no problems there.

Then the youngest - main problem, the absences. He needs watching like a hawk - the house has to be completely 'child friendly' - he's quite kamikaze and climbs and throws himself from the most unusual places that you'd have never had thought he'd reach. Gates and barriers are a must. When she's busy he has to go in a play pen, which she regards as a 'punishment' for being kamikaze. My daughter has realised that there's a long term 'condition' and has asked who will look after him when I die?

We're told there's a two year wait for SALT, similar waits for everything else. Covid blamed for backlog. We approached the NHS with concerns about her youngest child when he was just months old. Her older child was assessed because of hypermobility issues which were blindingly obvious when she was 18 months old. She was seen at 2 yrs - got a series of exercises from a physio and discharged. It took 4 years (covid) to get the insoles (told to wear boots or hi tops when small). School insisted she wears 'school shoes' unless she had a note from doctor/physio - this was impossible to get hold of.

Considering that her youngest was born at 32 wks due to covid, I would have thought that help/support/more checks would have been automatic and more timely, based purely on prematurity.

I've spent a considerable amount on private care/diagnoses (no insurance) over the years, because I 'knew' that there was something wrong and we weren't getting anywhere. I'm not sure that it 'helps' in the long run. It appears as though it makes you get put to the back of the NHS queue because you get accused of 'trying to queue jump'.

I'm torn between waiting in the queue and expediting an immediate diagnosis for our youngest grandchild.

Between a rock and a hard place.

Story of my life. Is there a book with that title? If not - I should write one.

My daughter (twins) asked to borrow the spotty bag for her maternity bag last night. Her midwife told her to start getting things together and packing at her appointment yesterday. As I was walking out this morning at 6.15am, my husband asked 'what you doing?'

'I'm leaving you!'

His face was a pure picture. I said - I'm joking, he said I know you are (he didn't, he thought for a very sweet, very long moment that I was out the door. When I arrived at my daughter's, future son in law opened the door and I barged past, with large spotty bag in hand, saying - I'm moving in!

His face was a picture! He believed me! Then I told him I'd caught H out with the same 'trick'. He looked so relieved 😬. When he knew I was joking, he said I was welcome to stay as long as I want. 😉

I think that a fair few people have realised that I'm walking the tightrope.

OP posts:
MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 09/06/2022 09:44

Card which triggered a snotty sobbing episode in public.

It's more poignant inside.

To think my husband is gravely ill at the wrong time?  Thread 2
OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 09/06/2022 13:25

Speechless…. Just empathy @MyOtherCarIsAPorsche

MmeHennyPenny · 09/06/2022 15:25

It would be remarkable if you weren’t on a tight rope at this stage.
Sticking to the rope analogy you have to cut yourself some slack.
If it helps visit the card shop regularly and howl!
I wish I could be more helpful - sending you a virtual cake and a lovely coffee. (Gin might be more useful - ignore that!)

MmeHennyPenny · 09/06/2022 15:25

It would be remarkable if you weren’t on a tight rope at this stage.
Sticking to the rope analogy you have to cut yourself some slack.
If it helps visit the card shop regularly and howl!
I wish I could be more helpful - sending you a virtual cake and a lovely coffee. (Gin might be more useful - ignore that!)

Wallywobbles · 10/06/2022 01:22

Could you DP do some of his spending on them all going private to make sure they are getting what they need.