When he has more lucid moments he explains that he's frustrated and scared of dying. He doesn't want to spend what time he has left sat in the house on his own whilst I'm out child minding.
When I asked what he wanted me to do he said that he wants to see the world and he knows that I won't be interested. I don't know why he wants to start now as we've always had plenty of holidays abroad - long haul, skiing every year. We bought the static in order to spend our holiday time there and provide a base for family and friends to stay in. He said that he wants at least two holidays abroad every year - which is less than what we've always done up until getting the static last year. I said that I'm more than happy to do that and would he stop shouting and being aggressive? He said yes, that was all he wants.
Less than five minutes later it was as if we hadn't had the conversation.
I can't bear the thought of going away anywhere with him in case he starts on at me in a public place - I would have nowhere to go.
One minute he's his usual self - the next he's being really cruel. One minute he's laughing and joking - the next he's shouting and swearing. He's getting worse as time goes on. At first he would apologise readily - now, if I don't capitulate, I get the silent treatment for days and days.
I understand that his brain has changed - what I can't accept is the abuse/apology regime. He says it's not just me that's been his target, he's alienated several good friends - he's also apologised to them. If he is aware that he's hurting me, why does he keep doing it? He says he feels terrible that he's doing it to me and can I ignore him because I know that he doesn't mean it?
I don't know that he doesn't mean it - it feels too real, too targeted and bloody wicked.
He wants me to treat him as if he has tourrette syndrome - that he can't help it. My reaction to his outbursts is not acceptable to him and this inflames him further. When he starts shouting, I'll say - just stop, you're not thinking straight - it's a red rag to a bull.
He has admitted that he doesn't know how he would react if it was the other way around and it was me behaving unreasonably.
Some days are actually great - but few and far between. When I try to point out that we had a great day yesterday, can we have a great day today? - he mocks me.
Do I treat this like he's had a stroke/got Alzheimer's? Do I stick with him in sickness and in health?
I always remember a day we went to the coast. We had only known each other possibly six months. We saw an elderly couple on a bench, holding hands, looking out to sea - and he said that will be us. We've always referred to this day over the years and laughed about who would be pushing who in a bath chair. We knew we would grow old together.
I feel torn as to which way our paths are going.