To cut DD off?

[BrokenToy]

DD is 18 (just). She’s been living pretty much at her boyfriend’s house for months now.

She informed me the other week that she doesn’t live at home anymore and so we’d have to pay her to babysit/dog sit for our weekend away. Weekend away had been booked for over a year. We were left with no choice but to stump up cash (we were already paying for a takeaway for her and the BF) or lose hundreds of pounds of concert tickets/hotel.

She sent me a text on Saturday about needing new jeans. I didn’t respond. She then phoned me yesterday screaming down the phone that I’m abusive and neglectful and leaving her without clothes. Two weeks ago I gave her £50 to buy summer clothes for the holiday we are taking her on in July. She is constantly asking for small bits of cash here and there (tampons, printer credit for college, things like that that she knows we won’t say no to) and DH and I have just realised this adds up to £155 so far this month…

I’m done. I’m about ready to say fine, you’ve moved out, no more monthly bus pass, pocket money, clothes, takeaways. She works five hours a week and could work more. She smokes and drinks. She’s using us purely as a bank and only contacts us when she needs a top up. I also really really don’t want to take her on holiday but that’s a sunk cost and at least it’s AI so she won’t be asking for cash.

She is an adult not a child, you have no finacial responsability for her.

I wouldnt cut her off socially/emotionally and if she was ever in a bad situation where she truely needs money then I would help but no you should not be buying her clothes, paying for her tampons, takeaways, holidays.

Take her on holiday if you choose but you dont owe her it, the other things are HER responsability as an adult to take care of.

I don't get why people are calling her a child at 19

She isn’t 19.
OP has said she is just 18 - so all of this started when she was 16/17.

As long as a child is in full time education they should be funded. This means the bus pass, toiletries, clothing, pocket money, rent, phone, food allowance, books. Everything. An allowance of £50 is pointless. You need to accept your parenting responsibilities. I would be mortified if a child of mine were staying elsewhere and I didn't pay X amount towards her food. Sure she messed up one year but she is back at college so this is a good thing.

She needs clothing but it does not have to be an expensive item. So you need to budget an annual amount for this. And just give it to her. If she spends it on something else that's her problem. Not yours.

Personally I don't have an issue with her moving in with the boyfriend as that is her choice as she is an adult legally.

I have children in university. If there is anything 'extra' they have to send me an email of what it is and I pay them accordingly once a month, on top of rent/food/pocket money. This can be a book, train/flight, sports club costs etc.

You are actually saving money as she doesn't live at home. No food or utility bills.

Screaming

This is a separate issue. And I'd say linked to how you compare her to her brother. You haven't told us why she is so angry with you. There has to be a reason, but it should not be tolerated. But it's a pretty sad state of affairs if you want to cut off your child who is only 18, legally an adult but still a child. And well done her on working and studying. Well done on getting a steady boyfriend and well done her on another women allowing your lovely daughter live in her house while praising her to you.

Dog

The dog is yours. You need to pay someone else to mind it and not rely on your daughter as she clearly disobeys you about bringing over other people. I'd imagine it's a very bad idea to go on holiday with her. You'll all have a horrendous time.

She sounds like hard work. It's not easy raising teens is it? I think kids are way more spoilt that they used to be these days. I think it's perfectly acceptable to ask your kids to look after pets or younger siblings occasionally-that's what families do! Imo don't cut her off, just explain that things will have to change. Reset the boundaries and expectations. Put it in writing so it's clear in your mind what you think is reasonable. That's my advice..... But it's all so much easier said than done isn't it! Good luck.

Oh and, in answer to the original post, no, OP, I don't think you should cut her off, but nor do I think you're the only one to blame here as some posters seem to, or that you should enjoy being treated this way.

Weird how many posters seem to say you should MAKE her come home but then using a lack of funds to effect that is the cruelest thing ever. How are you supposed to do it then?

Amazed reading back how many posters take it as a matter of course that kids at uni are financially supported by parents. I know a lot that weren't/ aren't and no, not all on full loan/bursary either. Different circles I guess. I mean I hope and intend to assist my own kid with uni but for me and many I know it wasn't just a given.

Can I be completely frank with you op. I think you are using money as a way to control her - why?

Because she is out of control and OP can't get her to come home? I'd be pretty desperate at this point.

What a bloody difficult situation which must be very hard on all of you @BrokenToy my heart goes out to you.

Other posters have suggested giving her a fixed allowance and I agree. Give her £200 (or thereabouts) and tell her that's it, don't ask for more. I'd make sure and reiterate time and again that she is welcome to properly come back home but put boundaries in place.

I also suspect that the BF's mother has been spun a yarn and I'd make a big effort to form a relationship with her.

It's tough because your dd is an adult but still a very young and immature one by the sound of it. Good luck

You seem to have give up on her quite quickly. She's been living at her bf's house since she was 17. They find her adorable and you find her intolerable. You must see that this is a fairly unusual situation and needs reflection on your part as the adult and parent.
Your relationship shouldn't only be about money and it shouldn't be transactional. You're very caught up in both. And fwiw have you seriously considered how much money parents usually pay out for teens who are still at home? If your relationship hadn't broken down would you be complaining about spending £155 per month on her? Because you'd still have the mortgage payments (which you chose) anyway.
It's also an awful example to give your younger DCs. What they're seeing is that your love and money are very conditional. That can root a deep-seated insecurity and lead to poor boundaries in relationships because anyone who offers anything approaching unconditional support/love seems like a better prospect than home. I wonder if that's what happened with your DD.

I moved out as a young adult and as soon as I left home my parents didn't pay for anything for me, why should they?!

Unfortunately she's manipulating you because she knows most times she gets what she wants. Does her boyfriend work?

I think you need to take a step back and make it clear that you want a relationship with her but it was her choice to leave home and you won't be used for money. She'll be angry at first but as she hopefully matures she'll understand you were right

She's just turned 18 and has already left home and is living with her boyfriend. Thats so young. No wonder she is struggling with the transition. How old were you when you left home OP?

Anyway, regarding the specific issues. I don't think being expected to pay for babysitting when you are away for an entire weekend is unreasonable. Anyone else would expect more than a takeaway in payment.

In general, you sound as though you dislike her and find her irritating. Is that what is causing these arguments because it comes across like this to her too?

Very few just turned 18 year olds are capable of living independently. I went to uni at 18 and lived in halls surrounded by other people with my meals provided and bills included and that was far earlier than contemporaries from school who didn't go to uni.

The other family seem not to have these issues with her and are being very kind in housing and feeding your daughter while she is in full time education. Aren't you a bit embarrassed about that? They must be saving you a fortune.

She is in full time education, has a part time job and has left home. I don't think she is doing so badly. There must be some reason this other family like her so much. i.e. she can't be completely unlikeable. I don't think she has done anything so terrible to warrant "cutting off". I think you need to manage this relationship better and instead of being so combative and arguing all the time, maybe just don't react or don't argue and give her nothing to argue about with you.

Honestly I think you do need to give her some money as she is still at college. I would now set clear boundaries so tell her you love her, she is always welcome at home and you will give her x amount each month. I would say £100 and make it clear that this is for clothes and essentials. Over and above that she needs to work. Say you are proud she wants to be independent and that she can now budget knowing what she has.

@BrokenToy I used to give my daughter during her College £50 a month 6 years ago and ot top of that bought her clothes and shoes for school so I think you need to give more. This is why she is asking for more money. it's simply not enough to buy everything with that amount.

Oh, I wouldn't let her look after another child for a whole weekend though! That's a lot at 18 and she sounds potentially stroppy. I did scads of babysitting as teen - without pay, they were my siblings - but not whole weekends.

Very few just turned 18 year olds are capable of living independently. I went to uni at 18 and lived in halls surrounded by other people with my meals provided and bills included and that was far earlier than contemporaries from school who didn't go to uni

Honestly if you can't sort your own meals, pay a bill and get yourself to work at 18 you were raised wrong. I am definitely one of life's less competent people but managed this fine at 18, before uni and during - not in halls. This thread is a real eye-opener!

It all sounds very stressful, OP.

I wonder if all the angelic parents here have teenaged daughters?

In your shoes i would continue to invite her on family holidays. I would text every day with what's for dinner and if she'll be eating with you. Continue with the 50 quid, the phone and the bus pass. Ask her about things in her life (school, what she's reading etc etc) all the normal things you do with your children.

But: if she screams at you? I would say (as i used to say to my DCs if they screamed or shouted at me) "we can talk when you're not shouting at me" and hang up. And keep doing that.

Keep reiterating to her, her bf and bf's family that she lives with you, that you want her to live with you and that you love her. All you can do with children, in essence, is bring them up to be independent adults, and that is all. What they do with that upbringing and what you give them? is up to them.

I also don't think there is any need to offer the BFs parents money. If they don't ask her to contribute, and OP wants her to live at home (and she has a sweet set-up there) there is no need to pay for it. All anyone can do in this situation is keep reinforcing that they love their DD, and they would love it if they spent more time at home.

All of this.

your poor DD.

It's difficult OP, and it sounds like your relationship with your dd has broken down. At the end of the day she is still your child in full time education and parents should expect to feed, clothe and house their children until they finish full-time education- when you have a child you know it's a long-term commitment. She is going to need your support in the not too distant future; it's unlikely the relationship with the boyfriend will be long-term and she'll need to come home at some point. Of course she still needs you to give her money, and seeing as you are not providing food for her right now then maybe you could factor that in- paying for a child's travel to college, clothes, food, and other essentials is the norm. And £50 will not go very far for holiday clothes will it?

It seems a bit extreme to be "cut her off" completely because of one row.

These sorts of niggles, disputes, false steps, and misunderstandings over expectations are extremely common when teenagers are transitioning to become independent adults. You've done things one way all her life and now you're transitioning to do things a completely new way. And there's no rule book to tell either of you what each other's responsibilities are towards each other now. She'll have friends whose parents still treat them entirely as children whilst some of her other friends are treated as 100% independent adults.

Since she's still in full time education, it is perfectly reasonable to expect you to pay for her essentials (food and bills when she's under your roof, essential toiletries, essential college supplies), but most parents would definitely not be paying for fashionable clothes.

But in any case, a calm and measured conversation where you set out the expectations is absolutely needed before you make rash decisions in anger.

She is barely eighteen, she has no access to benefits because she is in college full time, she is entirely dependent on another family to house and feed her (I assume op is not contributing, I am sure we would know if she was)

Her choice not the OPs. She could come home. Is 18 not old enough to accept and deal with the consequences of your choices?

I'd give her set amount of money and nothing else. She has to distribute it reasonably.

Ignore them OP. Most of them don’t live in the real world.

Have you posted about this before? DD working for you at the restaurant you manage?

Your opening post makes it clear you don't like her very much. You can't actually stuff your child back up your vagina when they're a pain. She's your child and it's your duty, like it or not, to stick with the programme. Stop being a weakass parent wanting to bin her off and behave decently to her at all times.

You should find her good points, and love her for them.

What a load of shite. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I moved out at 16 to live in a house share as I wanted to be independent and live in a city instead of a manky pit village with zero prospects for young people. However, I was never verbally abusive to my parents as I loved and respected them. My older e siblings had gone to better schools and university but that didn’t mean they were treated differently or any of them considered the Holden child.

On reading OP’s posts, the DD comes across as a very spoilt little madam who is struggling at school and is looking to blame someone else for her own failings. She’s managed to find herself a substitute mother figure who is happy to pander to her for now.

What’s the betting she behaves nicely at the boyfriends place and has told his parents a pack of lies about her own family to make them feel sorry for her?

At 18, she thinks she knows it all but she’s using horrible manipulation tactics to get what she wants from people. The sweet façade will slip at some point with her boyfriend’s family and then what will she do? She needs to learn to take full responsibility for her lifestyle choices and stop treating her parents like shit.

In OP’s shoes, I’d provide the bus pass and £20 phone credit and leave it at that. She needs to apologise for her rude behaviour and agree to be more respectful to her parents before they give her a penny more. I’d definitely wouldn’t be taking her on the family holiday either.

I mean, it’s a bit bitchy but honestly I’ve seen this ops threads before and it’s very clear why her daughter is so angry at her

I would be if my parent made no bones about who their favourite child was too.

once again she’s here asking for justification to cut her daughter and being told ‘you’re the grown up, it’s your job to build the bridges’

no interest in that though. Just wants to moan about how awful the daughter is.

if you look at how many people respond ‘cut that bitch’’ you will see why we have so many maladjusted adults who are unable to maintain relationships

I wonder if all the angelic parents here have teenaged daughters?

Not sure if I'm counted amount the angelic parents but yes I do. One is nearly 17, and I can't imagine a situation where in a year's time I'd be cutting her off without support. Hoping she will be off to university in a year and a bit but definitely with our support.