To cut DD off?

[BrokenToy]

DD is 18 (just). She’s been living pretty much at her boyfriend’s house for months now.

She informed me the other week that she doesn’t live at home anymore and so we’d have to pay her to babysit/dog sit for our weekend away. Weekend away had been booked for over a year. We were left with no choice but to stump up cash (we were already paying for a takeaway for her and the BF) or lose hundreds of pounds of concert tickets/hotel.

She sent me a text on Saturday about needing new jeans. I didn’t respond. She then phoned me yesterday screaming down the phone that I’m abusive and neglectful and leaving her without clothes. Two weeks ago I gave her £50 to buy summer clothes for the holiday we are taking her on in July. She is constantly asking for small bits of cash here and there (tampons, printer credit for college, things like that that she knows we won’t say no to) and DH and I have just realised this adds up to £155 so far this month…

I’m done. I’m about ready to say fine, you’ve moved out, no more monthly bus pass, pocket money, clothes, takeaways. She works five hours a week and could work more. She smokes and drinks. She’s using us purely as a bank and only contacts us when she needs a top up. I also really really don’t want to take her on holiday but that’s a sunk cost and at least it’s AI so she won’t be asking for cash.

counted among

I can see why she resents doing babysitting and dog sitting for a whole weekend without being paid. You need to work on your relationship with her as you are the real adult here, just because she is 18 doesn't mean that she magically understands life. She needs you more than you think and all the acting up is attention seeking because she feels pretty much abandoned.
£50 isn't enough for new clothes, if she's at college she needs funding properly. Only after finishing college would I expect more independence.

I think you should stop giving her money.

She needs to understand that she is an adult and she cannot scream abuse at you and get cash on demand.
She says she doesn't live with you? Fine. She says she hates you? Fine. She can get a job and buy her clothes, fags and booze.

I'd be telling her the door is always open but the abuse and demands for cash need to stop.

I agree with this. You really need to make the bf’s parents see that you are not the abusive ogre your daughter has painted you as.

@Eeebleeb the point I was trying to make was that in the real world not all parents cut off 18 year olds with no financial support. I was responding to the poster who seemed to think their personal experience was the real world. Hers isn’t and mine isn’t.

some people on mumsnet get very angry at though of parents providing support beyond 18, because they didn’t get that support. But in reality lots of parents do support or assist their children well beyond 18. There is no point in getting angry about that.

I can understand why you’re angry OP. I would say, don’t make decisions when emotions are running high- and you do have every reason to be angry. Your daughter shouldn’t be getting anything other than bus fare for college imo. I wouldn’t be paying for her clothes or her phone. There is no reason why you should be paying for her to live somewhere else- if the boyfriend's mother is willing to let someone who isn’t her own kid live rent free at her house more fool her.

unless of course she is…

I'm wondering very much what OP's DS is thinking in all of this. I don't think it's as simple as he is the favourite child.

OP is well enough off not to get child benefit and to have a house where OP's DD has a double bedroom with an en-suite. And yet she'd doesn't give her DS a penny to help with his costs at university. And DS would rather wear ripped trainers than take money off his parents, even though they are meant to be supporting him! That's not really healthy or normal either. Actually it smacks of a different type of dysfunctional relationship.

People are saying it’s OP’s responsibility to clothe her daughter - but what teen needs a £60 pair of jeans? I wouldn’t spend that much on jeans for myself. If she wants designer clothing she should earn the money to pay for it.

Yes. She's an adult. Perfectly capable of supporting herself.

I know this isn't the OPs case but many are advocating giving her an allowance.

Especially in these difficult times people won't be able to do that. If you get CTC they would continue whilst child is at college whilst they live at home. If they move out so does the top up to provide for them and they have to provide for themselves.

Just really a comment because for others it could make them feel bad they can't provide an allowance for a college student who moved out.

OP have you added up how much babysitting and dog care for a weekend would have cost you? Since you've added up everything else.

Around £21 per day for a medium sized dog, plus VAT, plus any bank holiday or Easter or Christmas supplement. So lets say £25 per day for 4 days, because you would have had to drop off the dog at the kennels on the Friday and collect on the Monday, plus petrol. £110 minimum.

Maybe you could pay a neighbour to do the same and save a little.

And thats not including walks. Thats just providing food and somewhere to stay.

Babysitting for the same period? Could you even get anyone to do it for that long?

I think it could easily cost you 3 or 4 hundred pounds. How much did you pay her and the boyfriend? Again, because you are adding up everything else.

But you had already had it booked for a year so you had plenty of time to arrange this. Did you consider asking your son to come home from university to do it instead?

This agin! We all live in the real world. There is no pretend world!

just because someone’s experience of live is different to yours doesn’t mean you are the two person and they are living in some odd parallel universe

We do give him money! We top up his rent. He just doesn’t ask for any more. He works full time in the holidays so he’s not short of cash, as he said he preferred to spend money on socialising rather than buying new trainers so thats his choice.

I fund mine because my parents refused to fund me. It made life very difficult for me. I consider it a parental responsibility. I also do not want them to get loans, they are in university in the UK and tell me all the other children have student loans. Now it is the summer they are working full time. So for more than 3 months I will not have to pay them pocket money etc. After the summer they will have plenty of money to buy themselves whatever they want.

If a parent doesn't have the means than of course it's a different story. Than it's not a given.

You could give her the option, she either:

A hates you, has moved out as an adult and no longer needs you and therefore she is supporting herself.

B hates you, is largely living at bfs while they are happy to have her but she commits to working on her relationship with her family and possibly family therapy and you will provide a monthly allowance of xxx £.

However be clear that whatever option she chooses your door is always open for her to come home as you love her whatever.

Is she paying rent to her BF/BF's parents?

Whoever she is living with need to claim her child benefit

My parents had a policy that when you left school, you supported yourself. It was really hard and I moved out as a university student at 17. I have gone much gentler on my own children and supported them a lot more.

Five of my kids are appreciative and were never demanding. It's easy to be generous when they are like that. I had one who you could just never please. Nothing was ever enough. I know it's tough to deal with a child like this and hurts a lot. I don't know the perfect answer but I think finding a balance between teaching her to move towards more independence and offering some support is important. She has left home so that comes with a lower expectation of parental support. Choices have consequences but it's hard to learn to support yourself by being thrown in the deep end. Maybe have a talk with her to make sure expectations of each other, and what you are willing to do, are clear?

£50 allowance for a whole month? That is £12.50 per week for all food, toiletries, tampons and gas, electricity etc. Could you live on that amount? I could not. You should support her financially whilst she is at college. She would need more like £160 per month minimum and then she should spend her earnings on clothing. Her behaviour sounds bad and she is disrespectful and I think you are letting this affect your support for her. Of she gives up a whole weekend to pet sit then you should be paying her anyway or use a kennels who would charge more. I would tell her you want a clear the air meeting. Tell her you will give financial support but it will stop if she screams at you on phone.

You should paying her an allowance and paying her boyfriends parents for her upkeep. Then you should try and have a relationship with her. Don’t use money to manipulate her. The money should be there to support her whatever. Then once financial stress is gone you might be able to build a relationship. Also what happened in het first year that meant she failed her first year.

This, I left home at 16 and was legally financially cut off.

I knew if ever I was in serious trouble I could go home, my family didnt turn their back on me but I never expected my parents to pay for me... I feel sorry for kids that are mollycoddled and tied to the nest when they should be flying.

Especially kids that are flapping away trying to fly, if your kid leaves the nest you cant force them to stay (not without getting a bit fritzl). Let them fly and trying to control them with money wont work most young adult will choose freedom over pocket money and gadgets anyday.

Dont pay though or they arent learning anything from the experiance, just leave the nest open for emergancies if they need to come home.

I learned so much invaluable real world experiance from jumping out on my own and true indepence is honestly the greatest gift a teen can have.

A whole weekend god forbid!!! Some of the comments in this thread are rediculous!!

OP I think if we cut round all the bullshit, a lot of your feelings and own anger comes from rejection.

I think you feel rejected by your daughter, hurt that she doesnt want to spend more time with you, frustrated, and it comes out like "look at what I do for you! look at all the money I spend on you!"

I get it. I really do. but remember being 18, all I wanted to do was be with my boyfriend and my friends. I used to have arguments with my mum all the time as we used to clash and mostly about expectations. she wanted me to want to spend time at family meals, go on camping holidays with them, things like that. all I wanted to do was go off with my boyfriend and my friends. most of my friends were the same. it wasnt actually anything to do with my mum, it's an awkward age really. sort of an adult, sort of a child. wanting that independence but not really being 100 percent ready for it. I also stayed at my boyfriends every single night and probably didnt see my family anywhere near as much as I should of done. but you dont always see that at 18, your brain has not matured to it's full extent yet! my mum probably at times felt that I only suffered their company when they made me and that I asked for money yet wouldnt spend time with them. the injustice of it!

fast forward 10 years and my mum is honestly my best friend, I love spending time with my family and I dont really recognise my 18 year old self really.

I don't think your daughter is THAT abnormal for an 18 year old truthfully. that isnt to say you should put up with being shouted at but I think you will see a change as she starts maturing. I wouldnt cut her off. teenagers are rough.

I would normally not say this and would encourage you to keep a good relationship with your DD. HOWEVER I'm sorry but she sounds like a spoiled little brat

Is her BF encouraging this behaviour towards you?

Cut all of her money allowances. Since she made it clear she doesn't live there anymore so can't watch the dogs .. then surely that means no more money for jeans etc ..