To cut DD off?

[BrokenToy]

DD is 18 (just). She’s been living pretty much at her boyfriend’s house for months now.

She informed me the other week that she doesn’t live at home anymore and so we’d have to pay her to babysit/dog sit for our weekend away. Weekend away had been booked for over a year. We were left with no choice but to stump up cash (we were already paying for a takeaway for her and the BF) or lose hundreds of pounds of concert tickets/hotel.

She sent me a text on Saturday about needing new jeans. I didn’t respond. She then phoned me yesterday screaming down the phone that I’m abusive and neglectful and leaving her without clothes. Two weeks ago I gave her £50 to buy summer clothes for the holiday we are taking her on in July. She is constantly asking for small bits of cash here and there (tampons, printer credit for college, things like that that she knows we won’t say no to) and DH and I have just realised this adds up to £155 so far this month…

I’m done. I’m about ready to say fine, you’ve moved out, no more monthly bus pass, pocket money, clothes, takeaways. She works five hours a week and could work more. She smokes and drinks. She’s using us purely as a bank and only contacts us when she needs a top up. I also really really don’t want to take her on holiday but that’s a sunk cost and at least it’s AI so she won’t be asking for cash.

My biggest concern (before taking anything else into account) would be if she was responsible enough to look after a 10 year old amidst all this.

It might be helpful to have a family meeting. Somewhere neutral and quiet. Possibly even mediation. In an effort to show your DD you love her and want her in your life.
One day she may need to come home. She may want to. She will need you then. Maybe more than she does now.
Together you could draw up and agreement about how you and DD want the relationship to go forward.
Their brains are not fully formed until about 25.
weed can make teens very paranoid and aggressive. Don’t discount that. Or something else has happened that she cannot articulate or has not yet disclosed to you.
i hope you can find a better way forward

'I worry some of your views are skewed, you see basic provisions of food and clothing being somehow a favour to your child. It is very basic parenting to provide for our children'

This!

OP, the way you present the circumstances with your DD is very shallow and odd.

it's all about £20 for this and £50 for that - but what has actually happened???

When did the relationship break down?
Was there a time you got on better?
Was she like this when she was 14? 12? 10?
Is there something else going in in her life she is struggling with?

Even the fact that you can come on an anonymous forum and ask, "Should I cut my DD off?" and then list the amounts of money she has asked you for and what you give her and what you don't give her..., this says it all!

Even when you tell people about your son, the piece of info you choose to share is that he doesn't ask for money!

No wonder she is frustrated. She is asking for money because this is the only thing you seem able to understand.

She is 18 fgs! She is in sixth form! She is being fed and housed by another family and you give them nothing! Aren't you ashamed about that? What does your husband say? Where is he in all this?

This relationship with the bf will break down eventually. Then what? You are storing up much bigger problems for the future because if she goes off the rails now, it's going to be hard to get her life back on track in her 20s.

Do you ever try actually talking to her about what's going in in her life? Not reacting, but just listening? Do you try and understand, rather than just focusing on the here and now and money?

Let her come and do her laundry. Let her come for a takeaway. It's better than nothing. Calm down. Make it clear the door is open and that "cutting her off" is not an option. Stay calm. She is testing you. She is testing you because she knows, deep down, that you are not unconditionally there for her. Something is deeply broken. If a young person has the type of parent who genuinely would consider "cutting them off" - this is a very painful knowledge to come to terms with and generates the type of insecure / aggressive behaviour you are currently experiencing. She is pushing you to cut her off because she thinks you actually might do it.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but you and your husband are the adults here. Yes, she is 18, but so what? She is a child - in full time school. She needs to know that you are there unconditionally for her. The money is not the issue at all.

Sounds like the relationship with your DD has really hit the rocks. From your telling of it her behavior certainly sounds unreasonable but I do wonder what her side would be, were she here to tell it.

I don't think language like 'cut her off' and 'abusive' is particularly helpful if you want a relationship that survives into the future, past this period of being effectively an adult but still very immature. For a start I would set some boundaries and take some space from each other. She needs to learn that if she wants to be an adult then that comes with taking responsibility for yourself and the relationships you have with others.

Do not take her on holiday with you, regardless of if her place is paid for or not. Waste of time for all. At 18 and living elsewhere she will be absolutely fine for a bit and it will give you some headspace to reassess.

I'd suggest putting boundaries and parameters on the relationship and making them clear. Don't constantly send her money. A weekly or monthly allowance and no more is the way to go. Be clear with her about that. You are not a bank and there has to be give/take as well as respect. Also ask her what it is she wants from you, apart from money, and really listen to the response.

Finally I would not be so quick to simply assume that her BF's parents 'adore' having her there. Perhaps they do, but also she might have just have been being polite to you. Having a teenage lodger that you never asked for is quite a lot to take on.

How are DD's grades this year? Is she likely to be allowed to move up to year 13?

YANBU, she sounds very rude and demanding.

Hi op , I do agree with you she has a home , she has chosen to leave .
She has a home to return to should she wish .
To me she's made the choice to live independently and that also means financial independence.

I'd be interested to read her take on the situation..

It does seem to be like a bottomless pit with teens dishing out money for college lunch, bus fare etc but food and clothing even if not living with you are your responsibility. Yes at 18 they get part time jobs to pay for their own treats but essentials really are parents responsibilities until in full time education.

You seem more angry than hurt at the situation, I'd put your anger to one side and try to work out why your dd feels so disconnected from you.

Use her for your weekend away then invite her round for lunch as a thank you. Then change the locks and stop all handouts. She is an adult not a child.

You still have time to salvage your relationship if you do it now op. It is not too late.

You could organise family counselling, so you are better able to see each other's views
You could agree with dd a set amount each month and stick to it - no more handouts.
You could invite her for dinner to your house every week with her boyfriend - perhaps twice a week so you can rebuild a relationship with her (and him)
You can pay something towards her keep, in the shape of a gift or a voucher to say thank you to the other family
You could take her out for a day just the two of you, and tell her how she means to you
Keeping communication open with questions about her course, friends, life and college - don't allow the texts to become dominated by money
Giver her a big stock of tampons and essentials so she doesn't have to steal them
Encourage family events and invite both families for a BBQ
Offer for the boyfriend to stay with you at the weekends.

Full time employment*

My 19 year old is working. So are a lot of 19 year olds where she is they’re all saving for when they go to uni in September.

I would cut her off money wise. I’d also tell her you’re not prepared to listen to her screaming abuse at you and hang up on her when she starts.

id also not get any toiletries for her to come and grab, and she would not have access to the washing machine with either.

if she wants to use the facilities at home she lives there respectfully and behaves like a member of the household. Or she really does move out and deal with the issues she comes across.

all the people asking how you are ‘letting’ a 19 year old move out. What are you meant to do chain her to the radiators in your house?

She just sounds rude and horrible and enjoying playing a victim to the boyfriends family.

She is actually doing really well at college and I tell her often how proud I am.

I don’t want to cut her off. But I can’t carry on being screamed and shouted at for not being a constant bank. She has more disposable income than I do fgs.

This thread is about money because that is the specific issue right now. Oh and the £50 for clothes was just what it cost, she chose what she wanted to buy and I paid for it. If she’d needed more I would have bought more.

Her birthday was last month and she got over £500 from us and the wider family. She’s not skint, or shouldn’t be.

*are most 19years old you know working?

most 19 year old I know are in university and surviving off a combination of student loans, part time work and parental support.

I am in my 40s and all my friends went on to college or university. No one was self sufficient until early twenties*

I am in my thirties and went to uni, worked, and saw no support from my parents. It's not that atypical. I was assessed as needing a contribution from them due to their income (didn't get full loan) but from their perspective they couldn't afford to. So I took care of myself. My siblings currently in uni and moved out work and take care of themselves. Self-sufficient before twenties despite getting a degree. Lots of people have to be, even if it's not ideal.
They wouldn't 't have bought me sodding Levis when I lived at home either! Wouldn't have let me go without clothes - they were and are good parents - but it's not exactly £60 jeans or naked, is it.

I worry some of your views are skewed, you see basic provisions of food and clothing being somehow a favour to your child. It is very basic parenting to provide for our children

But the DD has opted out and won't let herself be parented. She has declared independence and a total unwillingness to co-operate with the family and take the provision that is actually offered - at her actual home with her parents, in what sounds like a perfectly nice room. She's insisted she wants to live elsewhere and make her own decisions and yet she is still not only financially dependent but, it seems, quite exacting about the kind of provision she wants. OP is still supposed to fund this despite it not being her choice. I actually agree OP should pay her more allowance and try again to get the BF's parents to take some money for keep, but it sounds like the DD will piss it away - not a reason not to do it but it seems likely. She sounds very entitled honestly.

I don't get why people are calling her a child at 19

Think @catsetc is bang on…

I think she was entirely in the wrong about the dog sitting, But all the other stuff. She is a stroppy selfish teen who hopefully will come to her senses eventually. Do you really want to cut off your DD. I would just get through it as best you can treading a middle ground.,

I would consider renting her bedroom out to a lodger.

Increasing her monthly allowance and then saying that is it no more money from you whether for college or tampons etc.

Invite her and the boyfriend around to the house for meals etc to include her that way.

When did this rift happen? How did it happen? Why?
Has she always been like this?

She might've made it about money , but you need to look at the bigger picture here, which is your future relationship with her.

Can I be completely frank with you op. I think you are using money as a way to control her - why?

Because a set amount, a reasonable amount should be transferred over to her for clothing, tampons etc every month. You could make it very clear there will be nothing more and she must earn the rest. This would be a fair and decent thing to do, the fact she has to come begging and pleading for things like tampons keeps you in the driving seat and the one in control. Maybe you fear you will never hear from her again if were to just support her without her asking.
The vicious circle of her begging, and getting angry because she is desperate is only feeding the discord and disharmony between you.

Agree an amount with her - make sure its there on time in her account on the understanding there will be no more, and then start building up other parts of the communication and relations with her that is not about money. Show interest in her life, her school work etc.

Are you still in touch with school re her grades and how she is coping?

I would speak to her bfs parents and explain that you want her to come home.

Say you don’t think it’s healthy she’s spending so much time with her bf and she’s turned into a completely different person and is accusing you of being abusive.

I would then tell her that mon-fri she is to live at home and (hopefully) the bf parents agree.

It is not fair on the bf’s parents that they are paying out for another person and the longer you leave it the harder it will be to get back your relationship with her.

The parents are stuck because they think you are abusive or neglectful and letting her live there with hardly any money is backing that story up.

You need to take back some control. If you have a strained relationship then let her dad do it.

She clearly has a good relationship with the BFs parents, could that be used in some way.

E. g. Could you and your DH meet up with the BFs parents for a chat about the situation. Maybe she will be more inclined to listen to them if they talk to her about her behaviour towards you.

I don't get why people are calling her a child at 19

She has only just turned 18, and moved out over a year ago.