To cut DD off?

[BrokenToy]

DD is 18 (just). She’s been living pretty much at her boyfriend’s house for months now.

She informed me the other week that she doesn’t live at home anymore and so we’d have to pay her to babysit/dog sit for our weekend away. Weekend away had been booked for over a year. We were left with no choice but to stump up cash (we were already paying for a takeaway for her and the BF) or lose hundreds of pounds of concert tickets/hotel.

She sent me a text on Saturday about needing new jeans. I didn’t respond. She then phoned me yesterday screaming down the phone that I’m abusive and neglectful and leaving her without clothes. Two weeks ago I gave her £50 to buy summer clothes for the holiday we are taking her on in July. She is constantly asking for small bits of cash here and there (tampons, printer credit for college, things like that that she knows we won’t say no to) and DH and I have just realised this adds up to £155 so far this month…

I’m done. I’m about ready to say fine, you’ve moved out, no more monthly bus pass, pocket money, clothes, takeaways. She works five hours a week and could work more. She smokes and drinks. She’s using us purely as a bank and only contacts us when she needs a top up. I also really really don’t want to take her on holiday but that’s a sunk cost and at least it’s AI so she won’t be asking for cash.

Sorry my post posted too soon. It meant to say my parents helped me all the time with little things like a bit of food here and there when things got tough financially, but I never expected it and didn't scream abuse at them x

I think you need to focus on the relationship. Though if she wants your support then you need to talk about what would work for both of you. I moved out when I was 17 and moved in with my now dh and I wish my mum would've supported us a bit more than she did.

@0utwitted not too young to move out at all.

. I left home at 18, on my own, went college, had a flat and paid my own way.

Realistically though, how would any 18 year old in college earn enough to cover rent and living costs?

I got married. That covered it. lol

I agree, and op says she provides all of that at her home. The dd is just a spoilt brat wanting to play house and thinks she's an adult but wants her parents to fund smoking and drinking. There are other threads which give much more information as to what this girl has been putting her family through.

This 100%

www.savethestudent.org/money/asking-parents-for-money-university.html

You should be supporting her more, see above.

If you have abandoned your parental responsibility towards her and don’t have the money to support her because you have prioritised a fancy house for yourself. Then I would recommend her applying for PIP due to her mental health problems (presuming she has a limited capacity for work and daily needs issues). If she does this then she will have a healthier financial situation - if at Uni she will get a special support loan which means she can apply for means tested benefits to support her - because you aren’t. www.welfare.qmul.ac.uk/guides/extra-undergraduate-student-finance-living-costs/
Probably similar situation for college.

No doubt you won’t feel the need to help her sort any of this out of course… because you’re cutting her off for wanting you to be a parent. Poor her.

On reading OP’s posts, the DD comes across as a very spoilt little madam who is struggling at school and is looking to blame someone else for her own failings. She’s managed to find herself a substitute mother figure who is happy to pander to her for now.
What’s the betting she behaves nicely at the boyfriends place and has told his parents a pack of lies about her own family to make them feel sorry for her?
At 18, she thinks she knows it all but she’s using horrible manipulation tactics to get what she wants from people. The sweet façade will slip at some point with her boyfriend’s family and then what will she do? She needs to learn to take full responsibility for her lifestyle choices and stop treating her parents like shit.
In OP’s shoes, I’d provide the bus pass and £20 phone credit and leave it at that. She needs to apologise for her rude behaviour and agree to be more respectful to her parents before they give her a penny more. I’d definitely wouldn’t be taking her on the family holiday either.

I agree with quite a lot of the above, but I wouldn't want her to think I wasn't supporting her at all (it is likely to be used a ammunition against you as well) so I'd recommend having one last try at talking to her and setting some boundaries. The next time she stops by, tell her you have to have a talk right now. Explain that you are going to give her a regular amount per month into her account by direct debit - say £200 (rough guess) and that is it. There will be no extra as she wishes to be treated like an adult, so can learn to budget and live within her means.

I'd also have another meeting with the BF's parents and explain that you are not happy with them facilitating her behaviour and have no idea what she has told them about you but state that you are happy for her to continue to live in your house will everything provided as normal and have never asked her to move out. I'd then take a huge step backwards and not respond to any requests for money or things (including lifts etc). Only respond to normal texts (the "Hi Mum, how are you?" type). Make sure DH is on side and won't undermine this by giving her any money either. It won't work otherwise. This way you haven't cut her off, you are showing that you still care and are her parents, but won't take any more bad behaviour.

It is a difficult situation as she doesn't need to live away from home. Some of the PPs comments comparing with older DS are frankly wrong. OP's DS is at Uni for which the basic loan doesn't even cover rent in a lot of places, never mind living expenses. You only get the full loan if your total household income is <£25K and if over another threshold (think it is around the £60K mark) you don't get any additional loan at all. As it is calculated depending upon the total household income, parents are expected to help their children who are living away from home. In comparison, DD doesn't have to live away from home and is simply choosing to.

If she kicks up a fuss, I'd be strongly tempted to move her belongings into a smaller room if you have one and to rent her nice big room with en suite to a lodger or air B&B to fund her allowance.

This isn't about money, I would say.

Money is being used as a communication tool by both you and your DD. A way to try and exert power/control.

I'd actually suggest some therapy or counselling for both you and your DD to attend together.

You have tried OP maybe see your holiday in July as a chance to rebuild a relationship maybe a trip for you both for massages or something.
After that if she still is just screaming at you then a bit of tough love and she can grow up a bit! If she wants to be a adult she can behave like one which includes buying her own jeans out of her own money!

yes it's much harder for them now. I earned 1k a month at 16 and my rent was £180.

First you say she’s moved out and then you say she lives with you, so staying in to dogs it isn’t a big ask.

Supporting a young person through education is standard.

If the interpersonal relationships are on a bad state, get help.

@Robinni that doesn't really add up though...

35k salary is £2300 a month take home. How could anyone give their kid £1300 out of that and make ends meet?

The phrase 'spoilt brat' is not helpful here.

What a powerfully emotive concept that is. And one that is firmly stuck in a relationship model that is not really more than a power struggle. Parenting is not about getting revenge on a child, or winning.

Your goal is a healthy, happy daughter and a good relationship, OP, I would imagine? Maybe worth thinking about that, and how to achieve it.

oh is it annually?!

Op I have been in a similarish position to you. It nearly broke us as a family. We survived by always keeping lines of communication open, and by thinking of things that our dd would want to do with us. For us that was days out at galleries and watching Eastenders! It seemed a thankless task for many months and in private I cried a lot. But we got through it and now have a really good relationship with our dd.

It is awful being at the receiving end of what is cruel, selfish and self centred behaviour. We gave our dd money where it was reasonable. Sometimes we refused. I can remember having to calmly explain about a dozen times why I wouldn't provide money for 3 meals out in a weekend, as I couldn't afford to live that lifestyle myself. I can also remember her shouting at me in Topshop, in her usual manner, and people stopping to look at us because it was so horrendous. It was a nightmare.

The living at the boyfriend's is an additional complication and I would be wary of this and in regular contact with his parents.

You can get through this, but it's incredibly hard. Good luck.

This is a bit of drip feed OP. But I agree you are getting a harder time than you deserve on this thread.

Honestly, have a break. Get some distance and perspective. Let her know that her allowance is all she is getting for a bit. Ignore the shitting messages. Go on holiday without her. Revisit this further down the line.

Teenagers can really butt heads with their parents as they reach adulthood and you both need to give yourself space and grace.

Oh and we went on holiday in the middle of it all and the holiday was shit due to her behaviour 🙄😬

Bad nomad, i don't blame op for being at the end of her tether but ops dd is clearly damaged and is crying out for attention and love as she can.

NMW for U18 is £4.81/hour, and working 40h/w would get you £833/month (gross)... I wonder how many 16 year olds would be able to get a full time job paying significantly over NMW in 2022?

£180 rent... presumably that was monthly? That's a joke. I don't know what average rents are like elsewhere in the country but I think in a lot of places in the south you'd be lucky to get a room in a shared house for £500/month.

sorry but I'm not use to you I'm nearly 30 and my mum still buys me everything, although then again I don't abuse my mum BUT my mum does spend like £300 a month on me whether I need it or not, sometimes I struggle and she does that for me. Ill do it for my children when they are grown up.

OP has had a diagnosis of not ASD. OP has had counselling for and with her DD. OP is providing everything for her DD in her home where she should be living, not cuckooing another family.

Are people just not reading OPs posts or what?

I wouldn’t be giving her anything other than a bus pass.
she has toiletries available at home, as long as she has the basics, good shoes and a coat and isn’t wailing around in rags she shouldn’t be asking for money for clothes, if she wants extra, she can work for the money.

If she needs jeans i would but her some from the high street or the supermarket, if she wants expensive ones that’s her responsibility to fund.

At her age I was in sixth form and working three days a week after school and on weekends.
completely by choice because I wanted money for clothes and socialising, I went to the cinema every week and to gigs every week, I also went out drinking every Saturday night, if I wanted that kind of a social life I was raised to know it was my responsibility to fund myself.

my parents paid for basic clothes, basically necessities, as long as I had a coat, good shoes and a couple of pairs of jeans and some T-shirts I was ok, anything expensive or extra I wanted but didn’t need I bought myself.
travel, they would pay for travel to school or work, anything socially was my responsibility.
toiletries, the basics, generic shampoo shower gel sanpro, toothpaste, etc, they would even pay for makeup if I asked for it, just stuff from boots, nothing snazzy.
but if I wanted a £12 bottle of Frizz ease, purple shampoo or expensive make up that was mine to buy.
they bought me a phone and gave me £10 per month for credit, but if I wanted the latest model or a contract that was mine to pay for.

Basically if I needed stuff they would pay for it, but anything luxury I saw as my responsibility.
growing up we were taught to use our pocket money in the same way, so we learned well.

I was earning around £150 a week, it was more than enough to fund my lifestyle and save a bit for big things like festivals.

I am raising my DC the same way.

She grew up in an abusive home as a baby and young DC. She was borderline for an ASD diagnosis. Her father has abandoned her. Yet you seem to be struggling with why she finds life difficult. It's fairly common for DCs from abusive relationships to blame their parents.

As PPs have said, the way you have withdrawn emotional and financial support from your DCs is fairly unusual. Did your DD move out when she saw how you were treating your DS at university? All your DCs (including the younger one with your new DH) are seeing and taking lessons from how you treat your older DCs. And the lesson you are giving (perhaps inadvertently) is that your love and support is conditional, and will be cut off abruptly as soon as they are difficult or reach mid to late teens.

OP this sounds so hard. It sounds like you just bring out the worst in each other at the moment and both need to take a step back and have some space from each other. Let her know you are there for her and if she needs anything you will be there for her. Say you will be happy to pay for any essentials but luxuries and wants she will have to buy herself. That is fair. I hope she can go on holiday and you can use the time to try and rebuild your relationship.

YABU in your approach to this.

It sounds like the dynamics in this relationship (between you parents and her) are wrong. And that communication is really lacking.

Do you mind that she's moved out? If not, then you need to talk to her about what this now looks like. "We will give you an allowance still to support your studies, but we're no longer happy to give you random top ups as we feel you could/should be working more now. And in return for that allowance we expect XYZ"

Set the boundaries. Talk. But most of all, this is your teenage daughter... Don't break ties for the sake of her wanting to be independent and handling it immaturely. She's only 18. You're the parent, be mature and discuss this. You don't want to lose your daughter over this, surely.