To cut DD off?

[BrokenToy]

DD is 18 (just). She’s been living pretty much at her boyfriend’s house for months now.

She informed me the other week that she doesn’t live at home anymore and so we’d have to pay her to babysit/dog sit for our weekend away. Weekend away had been booked for over a year. We were left with no choice but to stump up cash (we were already paying for a takeaway for her and the BF) or lose hundreds of pounds of concert tickets/hotel.

She sent me a text on Saturday about needing new jeans. I didn’t respond. She then phoned me yesterday screaming down the phone that I’m abusive and neglectful and leaving her without clothes. Two weeks ago I gave her £50 to buy summer clothes for the holiday we are taking her on in July. She is constantly asking for small bits of cash here and there (tampons, printer credit for college, things like that that she knows we won’t say no to) and DH and I have just realised this adds up to £155 so far this month…

I’m done. I’m about ready to say fine, you’ve moved out, no more monthly bus pass, pocket money, clothes, takeaways. She works five hours a week and could work more. She smokes and drinks. She’s using us purely as a bank and only contacts us when she needs a top up. I also really really don’t want to take her on holiday but that’s a sunk cost and at least it’s AI so she won’t be asking for cash.

I think you're getting flamed on here unreasonably OP. I hear what you're saying that it's about the relationship not the money. It sound really shit and I'm sorry. And I have nothing to advise except don't shut down communication with her. One day she'll snap out of it and need her mum, not just her mum's money.

@BrokenToy I think the suggests of giving her a monthly allowance would be your best way forward.

I think it's sad for everyone when family relationships break down. I have a nearly 18 Yr old and that balance of independence, growing up and growing away is a tricky one. I hope things improve over time for you.

I left home at 16, my mother tried her best to claw me back but she couldn’t, police came to see I was okay and that was it as they couldn’t take me home but there’s literally fuck all OP could do about her 17/18 yo moving out short of chaining her up so don’t get the posters who say they wouldn’t allow it 😂

OP, I don’t think you should cut her off but put firm boundaries in place, a set amount each month (what you can afford) and then that’s it-make sure there are tampons etc in the house that she has full access too if she needs it. My sister is like this, always has been, lives with her boyfriend and has done since she was 18 but still demands her own room at home and an allowance from my dad even though she’s working full time, my dad has never put boundaries in place so she doesn’t bother with any of us unless she’s asking for money.

Most are "playing at being an adult" to some degree at that age, particularly when they are in full time education. That's what you do as a parent, let them try things out but with a safety net.

cut her off financially!! be there for her emotinally and invite her to things but do not pay.

she is an ungrateful little madam isnt she!!

Cheeky? Really? I have three kids living at home, I don’t ask the oldest two to contribute financially, just do their fare share around the house, so I sure as hell wouldn’t be paying them to ‘babysit’ their younger sibling, especially when babysitting constitutes ordering a takeaway and making sure she’s home at a decent hour.

The sibling in this question is 10. Presumably rather more hands on care than simply ordering a takeaway and not being out too late is required. There are also 2 dogs to be looked after. Basically OP's DD would be giving up her whole weekend to make this happen. I think expecting DD to do it without offering any form of payment or at least a decent gift as a thank you was a bit of a piss take tbh. (Actually wondering if DD moved out because she was "expected" to constantly look after younger sibling?)

How can she cut her off financially? Who would be supporting her then? The state? Her boyfriend's parents? She's at college! Crazy.

OP, I presume you have some hopes for her future when she can be qualified sufficiently to get a job to support herself financially for life - which is quite hard for young people these days? Are you not embarrassed total strangers to you are giving her ''board and keep''? How long will that be for? Never mind the dog sitting situation, I would say.

Why are people so angry about £60 jeans?

when I was at university the trendy jeans that I couldn’t around but everyone else seems to be wearing cost twice that! Diesel jeans were the brand I think! My parents would never have bought them.

£60 for a pair of jeans isn’t supermarket cheap but surely isn’t astronomical for a teenagers jeans?

She's 18, she's going to be an arse for atleast a few more years until she grows up and realises what an entitled princess she's been. I'd ask her round and try and have an open talk with her. She's moved out and has a job, she should be buying her own tampons and jeans.

But it's also not fair if you give her a £50 allowance but help your son with his rent. So either give both £200 each per month or nothing, and since they're both adults living out of the family home they can grow up and support themselves.

She is in sixth form - support your child.

but I always knew if I needed something they would move heaven and earth to give it to me

And that is the difference! You don't have to be wealthy to want to move heaven and earth for your children mellow knowing that fact your parents have your back alone gives kids such strength and foundation to manage life.

It is such an isolating experience to be rudderless and feel unwanted as a young person. So limiting in a world of children that have the benefits of love/support.

It also means family breakdown is very likely to continue, and a support network will be lost both to op (she won't be young forever) and to her dd. It is a lose lose situation

I feel like op has gone because she didn't get the validation she was looking for. don't suppose she is sitting reflecting now on her parenting or mindset. I am sure she thinks she is right to be the way she is too her young dd.

With my sibling it was failing a year - they were very ill in an exam year having a few hospital stints - re-take year was dire experience for them and they fell in with a bad crowd - though most of that crowd grew up with a few years moved on with work or study.

Just as sibling was looking to do same, they got involved with someone few years younger in I think a similar rebellious phases. Other teens parents were much smarter - ran their own business employed my sibling had them live rent free - kept them close by.

Their child finally grew up a bit moved to start university degree - my sibling followed with that families help and few months it all went downhill.

Then the other family wanted nothing to do with my sibling - turned out it was cash in hand payments not on books and wouldn't even do a reference. So gap on siblings CV was even bigger and harder to overcome and relationship with my parents even more strained - as Dmum had tried to warn sibling who'd reacted badly so relationship even more strained.

It's possible OP daughter always been difficult - or there's always been a relationship problem between Op and DD - or it's possible boyfriend few cracks with OP then failing first year in sixth form - all made worse by this by family stepping for their own reasons is all it took.

There is no way I would be giving money to a young adult who was abusive to me. Wouldn't even be a conversation, it would be a calm no. She can rant and rave as much as she wants, she still wouldn't get it.

She is still maturing and learning. She needs to realise that's not the way to ask for favours.

I disagree
I think they’re stuck with her as they believe she’s not welcome at home

I imagine it’s very expensive paying for an extra person and they may be struggling.

I do think OP should reach out to them as I think they could help mend the relationship but it is concerning OP has only met them once.

There priority should be their own ds, who isn’t having his life enhanced by shacking up at 17 with a college dropout. They are telling the OP that they adore the girl, don’t want any money, love having her etc when they should be putting the brakes on for the sake of their own child who is for some messed up reason living with a gf at 17. I think the parents like cosplaying as ILs. They want their kid in a relationship situation he’s too young for. They are still at school. If they believe that the girl is in an abusive situation they should involve social services, not put her in a position where she is dependent on a bf for food and shelter. I have an 18 yo and know 2 parents from his primary class with boys who are in a very similar situation. Both talk about being “the first grandma” in the group and gush about the girls being “perfect dils”. They are just kids but the parents are accelerating them along to babies and spending every Sunday together. Incidentally both boys and both girls in these setups have started and failed numerous courses, apprenticeships etc and are very financially intertwined with the boys parents.

I do agree that the OP needs to be more involved with the parents. Just ignoring them is unhelpful.

I agree with this too. BF's parents ought to be saying that if BF wants to live with his girlfriend, the two of them are adults and need to find a way to move in together properly. There is no way I would be allowing any of my adult DC's boy/girlfriends to move in with us. I'd be wondering why the boyfriend's parents are doing this, and why they are incapable of realising that there is going to be more than one side to the DD's sob story. If someone came to me with that kind of thing, I'd be encouraging them to try to fix things with their own family, not come and live with mine.

I don't agree there's a class element to this. My children have all had a very privileged middle class upbringing, and I still don't think it would be doing them any favours to baby them or indulge their appalling behaviour. In a way, I think the fact that they have been so fortunate is a very good reason for them to become independent. One of my DC has tendencies in the bratty direction and gets very short shrift from me.

I think the head-tilty responses are also pretty horrible - "what role have you played in making her so unpleasant, OP?", "you seem very money-orientated, OP - do you think you might have made her that way?"

Other than that, I agree with @AlistairCamel and @bobbythevet I have no idea why people have to be so horrible to someone who's clearly struggling with this situation.

I also don't understand why so many people have failed to realise that the OP has a younger child as well as a dog (i.e. all the people who say "send the dog to kennels". Are they suggesting the OP send her 10 yo to kennels too?)

I’ve ‘disappeared’ because I’m at work fgs.

To answer some questions, yes she has always been a difficult child. She was assessed for ASD but fell just shy of a diagnosis, the doctor said she definitely has some traits. Always had a horrendous temper and been violent to us and her brothers. We have always done everything we can to support and help her.

DH has been in their lives since they were toddlers, he is an excellent parent and there has never been any suggestion of ‘step’, he has always just been their dad. My ex was abusive in every way and has never had any contact or paid CMS. DD loves DH, it’s just me she hates, apparently.

I subsidised DD for a couple of years 18-20 to the tune of half her rent, she moved out after struggling with family relationships - she was minimum wage/zero hours, could have afforded to house share but struggled with the responsibilities and compromises involved.

She found her feet eventually, after an eventful few years. Did not scream at me while asking for money but we’ve had our ups and downs since - currently OK.

DS, never asks for money but has always had an equivalent amount put back for him to “make it fair”.

In the OP circumstances I’d want ongoing contact with the BF parents, and to see how they view the situation - do they view her as a lodger or a long-staying guest? Are they wondering when she’ll go home, and whether their son is making a free choice? Do they know they can come to you with any concerns?

'There is no way I would be giving money to a young adult who was abusive to me. Wouldn't even be a conversation, it would be a calm no'

It doesn't work like that, they are your financial responsibility while in full time education. Imagine if non resident parents decided they weren't paying csa or whatever its called now for their sometimes stroppy teen. You can't just opt out of these things. The op needs to cover the costs of feeding and clothing her and try to act like the grown up.

Pride comes before a fall. You have some influence but you might find it's not as much as you think. Case in point, I have five self-supporting children who are the kind of children anyone would want. I have one that has had a lot of issues due to mental health and gone against every value I have raised them with. I don't take responsibility for that and never thought my child would be in that kind of position because I gave them such a good grounding and support. And they werere such an easy child until they hit 16 too. Sometimes love and care isn't enough.

OP I don't get why you are being flamed. Only on Mumsnet do all teenagers get a huge allowance.

She is treating you badly. Maybe you need to stop facilitating it (exactly the question you asked).

Keep the channels open but I think that you have been bending over backwards for any small part of her attention and she is using that as a stick to beat you with/ get what she wants.

I don't know how you get her to engage. Perhaps through something she wants, like the holiday or jeans.
I'd start by trying to let her solve things rather than you coming up with things (that are thrown back in your face). If she wants the power, she can have it.

So if she asks for jeans just say 'they look nice. Great you are saving up for them'. Deliberately misunderstand in a polite and reasonable manner.

'oh you've taken on extra shifts for your holiday money? That's great.'

Above all you and your husband need a united front. She is doing divide and conquer. Decide the reason 'oh sorry the car is in for MOT this month so we aren't taking out any cash'.
Start saying no but calmly

I would feed her at my house. I would buy her clothes, not the expensive ones she wants but the ones she needed. OP is not a non resident parent, her dd has decided to leave and abuse her. That does not mean OP has to hand over money to anyone. She already brings her washing over, she could collect her tampons and other toiletries whilst she's there.

I'm sure you've been just fine OP. Some kids go through crap and drag you through it with them regardless of how much you do and have done for them.

@Swayingpalmtrees - I could not agree more with your posts, particularly your point about how the type of mindset expressed by OP has ramifications into the next generation and beyond.

You have clearly managed to break this type of vicious cycle and have come out the other side. But (I fear by reading many of the responses in this thread), you are the exception rather than the rule.

I can't think of a single person I've ever met whose children suddenly become 'adult' at 18. Or where basic 'allowances' are given and things like shampoo or tampons suddenly become negotiable. I just can't relate to this mindset at all.

I have a 17 year-old DD at sixth form and we fund her as we always did. I don't need her to have a job or 'be an adult and stand in her own two feet.' I want her to focus in her education and not be stressed in these important years. That's all I ask. My son is 19 and on a gap year before going to Oxford. We're not asking him for rent or whatever. We've even mostly funded him to do volunteer work abroad for 6 months. The experiences he'll gain there are more important than anything he'll gain from us "cutting him loose for his own good." I have absolutely no doubt that my kids will be there for us in the future if we ever needed them. They're not 'brats.' They will be hardworking functional adults who will be more than capable of 'standing on their own two feet' when the time comes because they will be emotionally secure have been properly supported to do so. I realise that sounds smug, but, in my experience, nobody thinks of cutting an 18 year-old off. If you go, expect it to come back and bite you because those young people are forced to think short-term, rather than long-term and are highly vulnerable.