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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cut DD off?

530 replies

BrokenToy · 30/05/2022 07:27

DD is 18 (just). She’s been living pretty much at her boyfriend’s house for months now.

She informed me the other week that she doesn’t live at home anymore and so we’d have to pay her to babysit/dog sit for our weekend away. Weekend away had been booked for over a year. We were left with no choice but to stump up cash (we were already paying for a takeaway for her and the BF) or lose hundreds of pounds of concert tickets/hotel.

She sent me a text on Saturday about needing new jeans. I didn’t respond. She then phoned me yesterday screaming down the phone that I’m abusive and neglectful and leaving her without clothes. Two weeks ago I gave her £50 to buy summer clothes for the holiday we are taking her on in July. She is constantly asking for small bits of cash here and there (tampons, printer credit for college, things like that that she knows we won’t say no to) and DH and I have just realised this adds up to £155 so far this month…

I’m done. I’m about ready to say fine, you’ve moved out, no more monthly bus pass, pocket money, clothes, takeaways. She works five hours a week and could work more. She smokes and drinks. She’s using us purely as a bank and only contacts us when she needs a top up. I also really really don’t want to take her on holiday but that’s a sunk cost and at least it’s AI so she won’t be asking for cash.

OP posts:
KyaClark · 30/05/2022 10:39

Some bizarre comments.

This is an 18 year old woman. Not a child.

I really don't understand why OP should be paying for her daughter to live at the boyfriend's house. The daughter has paid for accommodation with food, toiletries and washing provided but has chosen to live elsewhere. She can work more for pay for herself. I certainly worked more than 5 hours a week while I was in sixth form.

Swayingpalmtrees · 30/05/2022 10:39

I would cut her loose. She sounds like an entitled brat

I rest my case.

40andlols · 30/05/2022 10:40

@Swayingpalmtrees I agree with what you've said however families with little money don't always have the ability to support a child who's left home. Much cheaper to make an extra meal and pay for an extra room with the help of certain benefits than it is to support a child who is living somewhere else. It's like running two households.

I was one of those you describe who was out on their own by 16 but my working class mum couldn't have afforded to support me outside the home

itsnevertolate · 30/05/2022 10:41

My sister was like this. IMO I would send her a text, if she will not have a conversation with you. Explain that she has a home which she is always welcome in, that you love and care for her but you can not continue to fund her life style. I would give her 3 month notice and fund her for a final 3 months, then she's financially on her own. You can explain that she can still ask for money for birthday/Christmas she will still be invited out for family meals, take her on holiday and pay (if you are willing), but she has to fund herself day to day.

Swayingpalmtrees · 30/05/2022 10:44

I hope that you had a loving mother and a warm bed and meal to return to? Reading your post it seems your mother was not ready to 'cut you off' at such a young age. Of course there are variations. But being thrown out at such a young, or being forced out because it is too unbearable at home - whatever the reason it does not end well for everyone. Not by a long shot. We only ever hear about the positive survival stories, but for every one of those there are probably many more that ended very badly. The girl disappeared, became a drug addict or an alcoholic, in prison or unable to cope with a young pregnancy and nowhere to turn. The list is literally endless. So whilst it is nice to know your ending was a happy one, I am thinking about the many girls that ended up in the worst possible circumstances.

Swayingpalmtrees · 30/05/2022 10:44

For 40

ToughLoveLDN · 30/05/2022 10:45

I don't understand why this seems so hard for people to comprehend.

Why should OP give 'rent' money to another family when her DD has a home? Her DD only wants to know OP when there's financial gain and plays her parents against each other to get what she wants. Usually if you move out that means you have to pay for your lifestyle yourself, not go back to mummy and daddy when you want something. Which seems to be OP's DS outlook hence the ripped trainers, he's moved out, he wants provide for himself. It doesn't mean OP and her husband are tight fisted.

OP I think you need to sit down with your DH and your DD and have an open conversation about what your expectations are from her. Either she lives with you and contributes to family life or she's moved out and she goes it alone. Perhaps offer to pay her buss pass as a good will gesture and because you know it will have impact on her education but for everything else she will have to do it alone.

40andlols · 30/05/2022 10:48

Swayingpalmtrees · 30/05/2022 10:44

I hope that you had a loving mother and a warm bed and meal to return to? Reading your post it seems your mother was not ready to 'cut you off' at such a young age. Of course there are variations. But being thrown out at such a young, or being forced out because it is too unbearable at home - whatever the reason it does not end well for everyone. Not by a long shot. We only ever hear about the positive survival stories, but for every one of those there are probably many more that ended very badly. The girl disappeared, became a drug addict or an alcoholic, in prison or unable to cope with a young pregnancy and nowhere to turn. The list is literally endless. So whilst it is nice to know your ending was a happy one, I am thinking about the many girls that ended up in the worst possible circumstances.

Loving yes, but unfortunately also very hard up and other issues. I could have returned but the environment wasn't ideal. There was always a hot meal if needed though and she helped where she could. There wasn't enough money to send me for rent, books, buses etc though

40andlols · 30/05/2022 10:48

Swayingpalmtrees · 30/05/2022 10:44

I hope that you had a loving mother and a warm bed and meal to return to? Reading your post it seems your mother was not ready to 'cut you off' at such a young age. Of course there are variations. But being thrown out at such a young, or being forced out because it is too unbearable at home - whatever the reason it does not end well for everyone. Not by a long shot. We only ever hear about the positive survival stories, but for every one of those there are probably many more that ended very badly. The girl disappeared, became a drug addict or an alcoholic, in prison or unable to cope with a young pregnancy and nowhere to turn. The list is literally endless. So whilst it is nice to know your ending was a happy one, I am thinking about the many girls that ended up in the worst possible circumstances.

Loving yes, but unfortunately also very hard up and other issues. I could have returned but the environment wasn't ideal. There was always a hot meal if needed though and she helped where she could. There wasn't enough money to send me for rent, books, buses etc though

AlistairCamel · 30/05/2022 10:48

Bloody hell op, I’m sorry you are getting these responses and don’t really have anything useful to add other than I often read mumsnet and wonder if I’ve stepped into some sort of alternate universe by the brutal responses!

Swayingpalmtrees · 30/05/2022 10:49

Perhaps offer to pay her buss pass as a good will gesture

Since when has a bus pass to college ever been a goodwill gesture?? This is what I mean. It is a totally different mindset, the two are difficult to align.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/05/2022 10:49

SomePosters · 30/05/2022 09:44

I mean, it’s a bit bitchy but honestly I’ve seen this ops threads before and it’s very clear why her daughter is so angry at her

I would be if my parent made no bones about who their favourite child was too.

once again she’s here asking for justification to cut her daughter and being told ‘you’re the grown up, it’s your job to build the bridges’

no interest in that though. Just wants to moan about how awful the daughter is.

if you look at how many people respond ‘cut that bitch’’ you will see why we have so many maladjusted adults who are unable to maintain relationships

Show quote history

I can’t advance search anymore so can’t search the back story. But that doesn’t sound healthy.

I am the scapegoat of an older brother. My mother also accused me of being money grabbing. Asking for money was the only way I could get her to show she even cared about me at all. I had no concept of unconditional love. It was so painful. I cannot imagine considering cutting your just turned 18 yo off. What does that teach them of unconditional love?

Swayingpalmtrees · 30/05/2022 10:52

Loving yes, but unfortunately also very hard up and other issues

Most of us can get by if there is real love from our parents. Maybe your mum couldn't afford books etc but there is the knowing that she would if she could 40and which is very different from weaponising money and using it as a method of control and usually a means to insist on a basis of servitude and knowing your place.

Enko · 30/05/2022 10:53

My 18 year old would not be screaming at me for starters. If she did try the conversation would be finished with a "when you are ready to speak to me respectfully you can contact me again and it better start with an apology"

She is behaving this way because you allow it. So put down some boundaries start with not putting up with being shouted at.

Personally I would book a kennel for the dog and tell her not to bother and how disappointed you are she feels no need to support her family but wishes support for herself

Nanny0gg · 30/05/2022 10:53

0utwitted · 30/05/2022 07:30

Id be v annoyed about her letting you down wrt dog sitting, but having a 19 year old, i wonder why on earth she is living with her bf? Is it more convenient? Very young to have moved out imo

One of my DC moved out to live with a friend at 18. We still saw her and are still, many years later, very close.

The others went to uni and were back and forth for a few years.

Living with a friend is far more fun and free. What's wrong with that?

Kellykukoo · 30/05/2022 10:53

I wouldn't cut her off OP. She may be making the relationship all about money now but you can choose to keep it being about love. You show consistency and love by keeping your support going even when you see no reason to. You do owe it to yourself to protect you from any unkindness from her and you shouldn't tolerate it. I would consistently give a regular amount I was comfortable with providing and no more so there aren't any mixed messages. I'd also stop expecting anything back in return, like looking after your dogs....more to protect myself from further disappointment than anything else. Hopefully this difficult time will pass and you can look back and be glad you remained consistent.

Swayingpalmtrees · 30/05/2022 10:55

I’ve stepped into some sort of alternate universe

Me too. I am aghast at the posts on here telling op to cut her brat of a dd loose, and change the locks after giving her lunch alistair. Let her busk for bloody tampons. Yes I feel like I am in alternative universe too, but not for the same reasons as you.

Beautiful3 · 30/05/2022 10:55

It's tricky because yes she's 18 and moved out, but she's not independent is she? She lives with her boyfriends family. They may kick her out, when they've had enough, or when their relationship ends. Think I'd agree to send her £100 a month until college ends. If she wanted to move back in, I'd still welcome her.

40andlols · 30/05/2022 10:55

Swayingpalmtrees · 30/05/2022 10:52

Loving yes, but unfortunately also very hard up and other issues

Most of us can get by if there is real love from our parents. Maybe your mum couldn't afford books etc but there is the knowing that she would if she could 40and which is very different from weaponising money and using it as a method of control and usually a means to insist on a basis of servitude and knowing your place.

absolutely agree

DonnyBurrito · 30/05/2022 10:57

Paying for her phone and giving her an allowance when she has a job? That's the whole point of having a part time job at that age, or at least it was for me.

I think she should be paying for her own luxuries (phone, £60 jeans, driving lessons, etc) with her wage. Then if she's been doing well with attending college/work, you treating her to a night out/a take away/Levis/holiday every so often would be a nice reward. Definitely at 18 I do believe you have to earn luxuries one way or another.

As for her saying she hates you... Maybe she feels like all this money she's asking you for is compensation for how (she feels) you have treated her in the past? I think you need to ask her to explain why she is so angry with you, and be willing to listen.

Saying "well we spend loads of money on her!" is not the same as you treating her well.

Carlycat · 30/05/2022 10:59

Bonbon21 · 30/05/2022 07:34

Let me get this clear... she is 18 years old, no longer lives at your house, is in a live-in relationship with her boyfriend, effectively does not work or support herself and is using you as a cash cow.
Well, I would let this grownup out of my life.
If she is abusive on the phone ...hang up.
If you pay for anything ...stop.
Change the locks.
Respect has to be learned and earned.
Do not enable this behaviour.
When she apologises and addresses her abuse of you both .... because that is what is it... then you sit down with her and clarify the rules of your house.... if she doesnt like them she can leave again.. permanently.

Definitely this. Plus I'd find someone else to take on holiday. She sounds like a rude, entitled, disrespectful freeloader

Nanny0gg · 30/05/2022 11:01

Justkeeppedaling · 30/05/2022 10:01

Is she paying rent to her BF/BF's parents?

Already answered.

No.

Nanny0gg · 30/05/2022 11:03

I do see both sides of this and I would find it hard to cut off a child but...

There is always the possibility that she is really, really a nasty piece of work and she's taking the OP for a mug.

Somethingneedstochange · 30/05/2022 11:04

Sit down and have a word with her. Is her partner keeping her short on money? Some can be quite controlling. That might be why she comes around when you're having a takeaway or going out. If that's not the case she made the decision as an adult to move out that would tell me she doesn't need mummy and daddy to support her.

orwellwasright · 30/05/2022 11:06

Do parents ever wonder about why their kids have turned out to be unpleasant? Serious question. Do they think they've played no part in how their children behave as adults?