Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband to fuck off

333 replies

cinq · 29/05/2022 23:13

I work full time as does my husband. We have 2 DC ages 9 and 5. My husband works away a lot so I have the responsibility of my own job as well as all the childcare and housework which is fine but tiring.

He’s been away on a boys trip recently and is scheduled to go on another one in a few weeks. Again, I don’t have a problem with this - we can afford it and it’s not a problem.

Here’s where I do have a problem. We are planning to go on holiday in December just after Christmas and I’ve been told by him that my MIL is joining us. I haven’t been asked - I’ve been told.

my MIL is fine in small doses but a week with her I dont think I can manage with snidey comments and just her generally being unpleasant.

i don’t want to say I’m devastated- it’s a first world problem - but I work all year, haven’t been on holiday since before the pandemic and now I’ll be on edge for a week and be spending a fortune for the privilege.

I’ve been clear with my husband that I don’t want to go with her but nothing is really sinking in with him. He just says we won’t have to do it again. I don’t want to do it at all!!!!

AIBU to tell him to just fuck off?

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 30/05/2022 11:50

cinq · 29/05/2022 23:20

@Superslide i wish I could but no one else is available at that time of the year to go away.

my friends are all mothers with toddlers, young babies and/or pregnant.

im furious that my DH and MIL have agreed this behind my back. I cannot be bothered with the idea of having to make sure she’s not left out and eating breakfast, lunch and dinner with her for a week straight. It’s just not a holiday

Yanbu but what will you do? Will he listen

I don’t blame you for wanting discussion before he decides this

TalkingCat · 30/05/2022 11:52

Thereisnolight · 30/05/2022 11:20

Your DC will probably enjoy having her there?
Just go but do your own thing a lot. Lie-ins, reading, sunbathing. Plenty of other people there to supervise the DC.
I’d be more irritated by the boys-only holidays your DH goes on. Do you get to take a few days off/away here and there?

She does not want to go!!

ThatsGoingToHurt · 30/05/2022 12:00

If he doesn’t tell his mum tonight that she’s not coming on the family holiday tonight go into work tomorrow and cancel your annual leave and tell DH you are not going. You can stay home and have a blissful week of peace and quiet. Its pointless wasting precious annual leave on a ‘non-holiday’. You can then book another holiday later in the year.

HogInAManger · 30/05/2022 12:10

You’re a classic par boiled frog OP

steptohealth.com/boiled-frog-syndrome/

NOW is the time to put your foot down and jump out of the water.

No one can insult you or disregard your needs without your permission.

Flatly refuse to go on the holiday unless HE cancels MIL’s invite without throwing you under the bus

Tell him to start applying for jobs near him so he can parent 50:50.

Any time you visit MIL and she starts getting pissy, 1st time repeat her comments back and ask her what she meant. Tell her you find it offensive and ask her to desist. 2nd time repeat. 3rd time get up and leave.

Take up a new hobby (yoga, horse riding, whatever) that involves you going on girls weekends 2-3 times a year.

You only get one life OP - don’t waste it being a skivvy for others!

LindaJones1974 · 30/05/2022 12:32

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ToastedCrumpetwithCheese · 30/05/2022 12:38

I'd either not go, or go but refuse to get drawn into dealing with MIL. Either do activities just with the kids or go off and book my own things away from everyone. Leave DH to 100% deal with MIL. I'd be polite to her but just not get drawn in, wave a cheery goodbye and head off to the gym/spa/pool/breakfast. Leaving DH (and possibly the kids too) to entertain her. I expect he was hoping that you and MIL would deal with the children and he could swan off.

I would actually tell DH that I wasn't happy with him hijacking the holiday and therefore he needs to cancel his lads weekend to have the children as I would be heading off on a weekend myself.

prettyteapotsplease · 30/05/2022 12:39

YANBU and I'd worry that if this happened just once MIL would expect this for every holiday for ever after which would have me screaming and thinking murderous thoughts.

colouringindoors · 30/05/2022 12:54

yadnbu OP.

Seriously enough is enough now. You work, do almost all parenting, housework and he gets boys holidays and you get none? It's really not on. If you want to carry on living like this, go on the holiday.

Or, better, start putting your foot down and Don't go.

10HailMarys · 30/05/2022 13:00

Bloody hell. I love my MIL to bits, but if DP suddenly announced that he'd arranged for her to come on our pre-planned holiday with us, I would be murderously angry with him.

We have taken MIL away for a couple of days as a birthday present to her, and we've done the same with my mum, but that was a) a couple of days and b) planned between us in advance for that very purpose, which is very different from one of us just saying 'Oh, you know that week away we've got booked this winter? I've asked my mum to come with us.'

I don't think I could just suck it up. I would have to put my foot down and say no, regardless of what that meant for him and his mother.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/05/2022 13:15

Sorry and I don't mean this to sound disrespectful, but why are you being such a doormat?

You do all the childcare and housework while working full-time. He gets to go on 'boys weekends' (URGH he's not 18) and you sit and take this shit?

Let alone going on holiday with your MIL. That's the least of your issues, to be honest.

Do you have any friends you can talk to in real life? To talk some sense into you? Stop putting up with this crap.

You are showing your children that women are supposed to be treated like servants.

SpindleSheWrote · 30/05/2022 13:17

I'm another one who's now long enough in the tooth to look at DP (if he did this) and shrug and say, 'in that case, I'm not going'. And 100% mean it.

When I was younger, my ExH used to cook up 'arrangements' with his mother/parents, which I sometimes went along with for an easy life. What a mug I was.

DaisyQuakeJohnson · 30/05/2022 13:24

You need to work out what's annoying you. Is your issue that he didn't ask? That you never want to holiday with MIL anyway? Or that this holiday is more important to you because you've not had all the other breaks he's had?

If it's the last one, then just book time away. The same way that he does. Go on your own if your friends aren't available or go on a hobby break.

If you never want to holiday with MIL, then just tell him that he has to arrange holidays for himself and MIL, but you won't be there.

If it's that he didn't ask, then you need to weigh up if this is a pattern with him or an accidental one-off.

pinkyredrose · 30/05/2022 13:47

He's a twat.

LadyEloise1 · 30/05/2022 13:55

PriestessofPing · 29/05/2022 23:47

My answer if in a similar situation would be an absolutely not to MIL coming on holiday and i’d refuse to go if she did. I think it’s extremely selfish of your husband to land this on you without discussion and i’d be very annoyed with him. It shows such a lack of respect for you and your needs. He gets his time away how he wants but when it comes to your one holiday he doesn’t even care enough to consult you. What’s worse, when he knows for sure how unhappy you are with this idea (and let’s face it, he’d have had a fair idea before he told you) he disregards that. Why? Because what you need doesn’t matter.

Super post and I fully agree @PriestessofPing

SoftDay · 30/05/2022 14:01

Hi, OP. Oh, this is dreadful and I feel so bad for you. I love my mother-in-law but I wuld be so upset if something like this was sprung on me.

Echoing what others have said, I would send him off with the children and his mother. He will probably try to palm the kids off on her, as he will not consider it his role to be entertaining them. Perhaps that will discourage his mother from joining any future holiday.

In the meantime, cancel the week's leave and work that week. You will enjoy having no childcare-related pressures that week. Instead, enjoy relaxing evenings, eating what you want etc.

Then use the leave later next year for your own break. Perhaps you could take two shorter breaks - one with just you and the kids, or perhaps with a friend and her similarly aged kids; and another childfree break with a friend or friends, for which your husband will have to take responsibility for the children and home. You deserve this and he needs to step up to facilitate it. These breaks can be done cheaply, depending on how your finances are fixed. Best of luck.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 30/05/2022 14:02

You have been more than accomodating to him and his trips away and now he does this. Tell him to go with his mum and you book a trip away for you and the kids and a friend. I would tell him to fuck right off as he is taking advantage of you and he seems to not pull his weight at all.

FlippityFlapperty · 30/05/2022 14:07

I’m assuming he’s fully aware of her unpleasant comments and why you don’t want to go on holiday with her for a week? He needs to grow a backbone and 1) stand up for you when her behaviour is rude; 2) tell her that she is uninvited due to her behaviour.

Who booked her accommodation etc? Can you cancel it? I don’t see why he feels free to book it without you being consulted. I also don’t see why she’d want to tag along on a family holiday knowing that you weren’t asked and that you don’t get along brilliantly as it is.

Tillybabs · 30/05/2022 14:13

Book a girls holidays for yourself to get a break since he's happy leaving you to do all the work at home.

LadyEloise1 · 30/05/2022 14:14

If @cinq stays at home she will miss out on a holiday with her children. That's not fair on her or the children who, no doubt will be very excited about their holiday with her and their very often absent dad.

He gets to go away for work and with his friends and yet for this ONE family holiday he brings his mother along !

He should be having words with his mother about her unacceptable behaviour not inviting her on your holidays.

Does he want to continue in the marriage / family ?

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/05/2022 14:25

timeisnotaline · 30/05/2022 05:24

Message saying you’ve booked a trip to <c> for a few days to think about things, and it’s the weekend a few weeks away that he was going to be away so he has to cancel his boys trip. Tell him you know he won’t mind as he’s cancelled the family holiday for you since wild horses won’t drag you on what he now decided is going to be a trip where his mum will be nasty to you every day, so you need and deserve this break.

Frankly, this looks like a good idea to me. You said him going on this next trip wasn't a problem, but I think it's time you made it a problem - specifically, it's time you made it HIS problem.

He has got into the routine of abdicating all the boring and routine bits of being a father and a husband, and it seems to have made him think-and behave - as if you are not his wife, just his housekeeper (with sex on the side). He thinks that he lives, and you exist to facilitate him. It's time for a wake-up call. It's time that he was made to face up to the fact that his wife is indeed his wife and not his housekeeper, and that his wife has needs of equal validity to his own. And that means his facilitated life needs to be interrupted, so that he can appreciate that his life doesn't just happen out of the blue.

You need to do this, @cinq . You need to put yourself and your marriage first here, and not knuckle under to his breezing along with the best of both worlds, the married and the single (and both facilitated by you). If you don't put a stop to this (his arsey treating you as staff), then the resentment will build and build. And then nobody wins.

rookiemere · 30/05/2022 14:32

Have you actually booked the holiday yet OP?
If not I'd simply refuse to organise it or to go and send MIL a message copying in H - "Hi
MIL , I believe H said that you were to
Come on holiday with us at Christmas time. I really wish he had spoken to me first. With H working away we have so little family time together and this will be our first family holiday in over 2 years ( although maybe H has forgotten this because he had his trip to Antigua in March, Benidorm in April and of course Malaga next month with his pals)

I know you understand how important it is for DH and I to spend some quality time alone with the DCs, so much as it would be tempting to have you there it just won't work for us on this occasion. Once again I apologise for DH asking you without checking with me first - and it's not because of you at all, it's purely about prioritising what's best for us as a family. "

Send it before anything is booked.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/05/2022 14:55

1- sit down and calmly state your reasons (again) why MiL should must not come.
2- when he disagrees (again) tell him that you hope he, she, and the DC have a lovely time because YOU are staying home.
3- refuse to discuss it any further saying the decision was totally his.
4- stick to it.
5- have a lovely post-Xmas child-free week eating ALL the leftover holiday food and vegging. Or going to the post-Xmas sales. Whatever floats your boat.

Of course, if he actually tells his mum that she is no longer invited this is going to completely fracture your relationship with her, possibly irreparably. But do you really care?

Potterypottering · 30/05/2022 14:57

Just don’t go. Have a nice few days to yourself

Phobiaphobic · 30/05/2022 15:16

HogInAManger · 30/05/2022 12:10

You’re a classic par boiled frog OP

steptohealth.com/boiled-frog-syndrome/

NOW is the time to put your foot down and jump out of the water.

No one can insult you or disregard your needs without your permission.

Flatly refuse to go on the holiday unless HE cancels MIL’s invite without throwing you under the bus

Tell him to start applying for jobs near him so he can parent 50:50.

Any time you visit MIL and she starts getting pissy, 1st time repeat her comments back and ask her what she meant. Tell her you find it offensive and ask her to desist. 2nd time repeat. 3rd time get up and leave.

Take up a new hobby (yoga, horse riding, whatever) that involves you going on girls weekends 2-3 times a year.

You only get one life OP - don’t waste it being a skivvy for others!

Best analysis and advice I've seen in a long time.

Savethebesttilllast · 30/05/2022 15:26

I totally get this, I really do I’ve been away with my in laws a lot and it’s something that is organised between everyone and I can’t say no, it definitely isn’t ‘ a holiday’ BUT do you know what, one day they won’t be here for you to moan about. As shit as that sounds, Make the most of it, suck it up your kids still want to be with their grandparents even if you don’t. just think it’s a week out of your life don’t take things for granted I’d come on here and moan away we all get it then I’d plaster the biggest smile on my face and get on with it xx