Confused about where I stand- FWB

[Applesandlemons19]

Hi

I am posting here for some advice as I’m confused at the moment. I have been seeing someone for a while and it has been FWB/casual. I’m not sure where I stand though as the last few times we have seen each other he has been kissing and cuddling me. We chat for hours and he makes me laugh. He also sends me texts such as ‘good night beautiful’ and others like that.

Is this typical of FWB? I’m not sure what his thoughts are but I have started to develop feelings.

There is a few red flags though because he never arranges a day to next meet. He will ring me and ask to see me on the day or ask what I’m doing later. Sometimes it can be 10pm at night. I never know when I’m next going to see him. It could be 2 days or a week, I just never know until he decides he would like to see me. Sometimes he will blow hot and cold. He will be texting all day sometimes then others not at all.

If this was just casual sex to him would he be kissing me and staying to cuddle after and sending me texts like that?

All these clever guys talking about being the prize and making their fwb 'work' to have a relationship haven't a clue about women.

Stick to one night stands, guys or just hang out with women who you purely view as friends (I don't quite see why any adult male would want a female friend but there you go each to their own) without having sex with them.
And do the hanging out with women you're really into and vice versa.

I don't really need to hear from men what it's like for a woman to be a f*buddy, though. 🙄

@Kertrats

Nah, not every woman is the type to hold bitterness and let it fester. Forums like this may give that impression because obviously non bitter people won’t be posting. Besides it wasn’t like I had some other girlfriend, I just didn’t want to bother with that kind of thing cutting into my life, but since she turned out to be cool, I thought I would.

Besides, seeing as she’s preggers it’s a little late for ending it now! So long as I keep her of Mumsnet it should all be just fine.🤫

@LongFatWeener69 I think you are mis-labelling the kind of woman you describe as 'not bitter'. I think you'll find 'desperate' is a better one. Sadly, due to the profusion of men such as yourselves... it happens.

it happens.

Nice

@LongFatWeener69 don't diss mumsnet. You're on it after all.
You sound really cocksure about how women feel. You haven't a clue.
Women hate being used as a fwb if they're really into a guy.
Hate it.
As a woman I'm more qualified to speak on this subject than you are.

This is a very interesting read. The thing for me which I didn’t mention is that before we actually met he led me to believe that he could potentially be looking for more than sex. He said things along the lines of ‘we could be something special’ ‘I like you a lot and I want to see where things go’. I know these are just words and I think all he was trying to do was convince me to meet him. Now we have met it is clear it is purely sexual relationship for him and he isn’t looking for more.

I just wish I didn’t sit waiting around for him whilst he was only fitting me in whenever he pleased

The solution to that is simple. Don't.

This with bells on.

@Applesandlemons19

The thing is you never know what things will turn into. Just because it’s sexual only now doesn’t mean it can’t be more. It might not be but it’s possible, I don’t think you can write this guy off as bad or “a user”, because maybe he could see it being something more but he’s just not in that life place yet, or needs time for the idea to grow on him. That’s how it was for me.

If you don’t want FWB then by all means don’t see him, but I think your being a little harsh to make out he’s doing something wrong to you, when actually he’s only doing what’s been agreed on.

Well, yes, you could sit around passively, being fucked without any commitment or emotion on his part, if that's what you want, hoping he changes his mind. You could become one of the desperate ones.

But right now it isn't making you happy. So the sensible thing to do is walk away while you still have your dignity intact. Listen to lots of women or listen to Long Fat Weener. I mean, he is literally calling himself a prick. Your choice.

Sounds like he might see you as GF Without Commitment rather than FWB.

Regardless of whether you agreed to be fwb (without a discussion of expectations though) or you are a girlfriend in the making, he is not making you feel cherished or special.

You say you feel used. That to me suggests you aren’t getting anything out of this.

The question you need to ask yourself is why you want to stay with someone who makes you feel that way.

Chances are he'll find someone else, it'll fizzle out or you'll become his girlfriend owing to a crisis such as him needing somewhere to live.

Whatever you will not ever be able to forget that you were only his fwb for a time

It'll eat away at you.

@LongFatWeener69 one day, your fiance is going to despise you for just being your fwb.
Be warned.

@ripfb

Or he could become one of the lucky ones who saw the golden ticket in front of him for what it was and realised that a chill girl who cares about what he wants and digs him, is actually a perfect wife candidate.

And my username is a tribute to a childrens book about a fat daschund and what I shot at golf a few days ago.

And we button up the back.

@LongFatWeener69 all women pretend to be chill with an fwb agreement if they are really into the guy. If they are honest about wanting a relationship, they'll scare him away.

You really know nothing about women.

Can some women stop talking for all women, please. That goes for you men, too.

@LongFatWeener69 Here is an OP who comes on here to tell us how unhappy and used she feels in her current situation. Can you clarify what exactly your advice contribution is? It reads to me that you are simply saying that IF she is chill, he MIGHT stop using her in this way.

So, unless I'm misunderstanding you, you've either a) given appalling and possibly psychologically damaging advice to switch off her current unhappy feelings, keep offering herself up as a wanksock and hope for the best or b) you've missed the main gist of her posts that she is NOT the fantasy chill female FWB that you have kidded yourself exists.

Either way, you are demonstrating an impressively vast lack of emotional intelligence.

@ripfb well said.
I mean what makes a man weigh in on this subject anyway?

This is not my website and of course he's as much right to post as me, but it makes me wonder: maybe he's not as confident as he makes out about the fwb origins of his new relationship.

Anyway, all this talk of somehow promoting a fwb to relationship by men makes me sick.
The last laugh's on them, though: IME not one woman I know has not expressed some bitterness at being an fwb if she always wanted to date the guy.
Or being on tenterhooks at having to be cool all the time, knowing he could just pick another woman at any time.
Of not always being good enough to date. I won't go on.

@Kertrats

I know I have a fiancé who makes me hand kneaded bread and will clean my golf clubs, who hangs out with me as a friend and we can chill out and watch old movies late at night (just watched the long goodbye - recommend), who isn’t all uptight about sex - a real cool chick in short, so I think I’m doing alright.

But it never would have got to that point if I had of just jumped straight for the first girl to lay down a bunch of rules and expectations or timelines - then I’d be in for a short relationship full of stress.

That’s why men like the kind of woman who are open to FWB - because they have shown they actually care about what their men want and don’t freak easy, the alternative of that just being one sided dating expectations which don’t make sense in the modern world, as though we were back in the days of yore courting yon fair ladies. You might say they know something about men that the strictly dating type don’t.

But anyway, there are lots of chill ladies who go for that type of thing, sure they might hope it will become more - maybe it will and maybe it won’t, point is that’s how it’s done. Makes perfect sense in todays world, it’s not some terrible thing.

@ripfb

I weighed in because there were a lot of people saying it was impossible that this could become more and that’s far from true as I can attest, also because people were making the guy to be some kind of manipulative monster - when in reality he probably has some level of care for her and that’s what’s behind the good morning texts, the idea that men hate women who they have FWB is pretty offensive.

And I think your underestimating the amount of serious relationships and even marriage that come from FWB or super casual situations - that’s just a way relationships develop in the modern world, there’s nothing wrong with it. I mean really it was inevitable after realisable birth control came around.

I don’t know why you think it’s so awful or new, people have been doing this since the 70’s and plenty of women are along for the ride. And if they wanted other more uptight men they could have them, that’s their choice.

@LongFatWeener69
Firstly, I don't care about how much fwb suits men.
This is about how being used as a wanksock by a man she really likes has a long-term negative effect.

Secondly stop with the modern way b. s., please.
I have never ever expected a guy to make me his wife after a few dates. Or imposed any restrictions on him. Lol. Nor has any woman for heaven's sake.

But if I am going to have sex with him over and over I must feel he's into me.

And as a woman you know when a guy really likes you. You. Just. Do.

But I guess if your fiancee is happy with that, fine. She'll throw it back at you later, though when the bread-making halcyon days end.

'But you didn't want a relationship with me!' Or words to that effect.

Then you'll realise 'kertrats' was right.
Because I'm 40-something and know more about life than you.

''She will clean my golf clubs.''

😂😂😂😂😂

See, OP? If you stick with it, look how lucky you could get. You too could find yourself cleaning golf clubs.

And @LongFatWeener69, I didn't say long term serious relationships don't come from these situations. It's just not remotely what the OP is about.

It's about her feelings but that constantly goes over your head. Because you are incapable of understanding that a woman who goes along with a casual arrangement but would like more is not a happy, chill woman.

Of course women are capable of having casual relationships without wanting more themselves, I've had them myself. But IF they want more and the man doesn't, well... it's not a happy place to be.