To encourage my dad to leave my mum

[Clementinemist]

My mum (61) has always had crippling anxiety that has severely affected my family, but its to the point now where she won't do anything or go anywhere at all. But she is constantly telling me how depressed she is, and she keeps having panic attacks and calls me at random times of the day and night. All she does is sit at home and procrastinate. She's spoken to her GP, been to all kinds of therapy, done antidepressants, pills, mindfulness, all the usual things over the past 30 odd years. The fact that she's lacking any sort of life is at the heart of her problems but she seems unable, and to be honest unwilling, to do anything about it. It's like she's got comfortable just pottering around the house and doesn't care to do anything else now. She's basically just waiting to get old and die.

I honestly don't know what to do. It sounds horrible but I'm dreading the next 30 odd years of this. It's only going to get worse. My dad has floated the idea of divorce a few times over the past year. He's 64, retired recently, wants to downsize to the coast (about an hour away) and travel the world, but mum doesn't want to. (And she doesnt want him to go either). Aibu to encourage him to leave her? Might give her the wake up call she needs? Or sink her into worse depression? It's all causing such sadness and stress in our family, I just want everyone to be happy. I honestly don't know how I can support her anymore.

That sounds hard all round, but I think as your father has already floated the idea then i think you need to make him aware that you'd be supportive/understanding.

Do you have siblings? Is it likely that your DM would lean on you more if your DF left her?

Oh dear! That really is a tricky one OP. I can understand you feeling the urge to encourage your Dad to leave, but you wouldn't want him to blame you if he left and then for example your Mum was so depressed she took her own life, would you? I think in this circumstance you're probably better keeping out of it, it's his life, and his decision, after all, when you marry it's supposed to be for the good times and bad, ie 'in sickness and in health', but it depends whether he believes in those vows. Probably better not to get involved between husband and wife, even if they are your parents.

I think you should encourage your dad to live his life to the full and if that involves leaving your mum, that's up to him.

I wouldn't encourage him to leave her permanently at this point but I would encourage him to book a holiday. He should sit down and talk to her, and point out that he wants to travel and it's unfair of her to try and stop him enjoying his retirement. He would like her to come too but he will be booking a trip away somewhere. If family can agree to call once a day while he is away to have a quick chat so he is reassured she is OK would he go. Start with a long weekend so he can see she will be OK, and she has the chance to realise she can cope. After all she must be on her own in the house while he's at work. Try to get her used to the idea and get him to start living his dreams.

I agree that them divorcing, and him travelling, will have a big impact on you.
I have a DM who is similar but refuses to speak to the GP or take antidepressants. It’s frustrating.

I have a brother who sticks his head in the sand, chooses to ignore the problems. Doesn't typically respond to calls or read messages from family for a few days. I dont blame him but I've now fallen into the dutiful daughter/carer role...

I’m another vote for keeping out of it.
you are their daughter but you won’t understand the true dynamics of the relationship because outside of the couple people never do.

your df should not be involving you in these discussions.

selfishly I would also think of your self. If your df has poor health in old age that’s 2 elederly parents in different locations you will be supporting.

“She's spoken to her GP, been to all kinds of therapy, done antidepressants, pills, mindfulness, all the usual things over the past 30 odd years. The fact that she's lacking any sort of life is at the heart of her problems but she seems unable, and to be honest unwilling, to do anything about it.”

Its not her fault she has an anxiety disorder and depression. And it sounds like she has been doing everything she can to beat it for 30yrs, so I disagree that she is “unwilling” to do anything about. Her lack of life isn’t the cause, but the symptom of her anxiety and depression. You have it backwards. Similar to the how the Victorians thought lack of work caused depression and anxiety when actually depression and anxiety made people unable to work.

I also suffer from depression so fully understand the condition. I have found having purpose to my life, and keeping to a routine of staying active - physically, mentally and socially - keeps me mentally very well. It's hard work and sure, it might not work for all.

We've had to force her to get help, and it never works because she doesn't want to put the work in. She wants a quick fix overnight in the form of a magic pill, but that doesn't exist. And she expects to be cured after one session of therapy, and because she isn't, she won't go back again.

Totally agree with this. It’s not your place to encourage him to leave, that a decision for him, but you can be supportive if he makes that decision.

maybe some more boundaries in place for you too? You don’t need to answer immediately if she’s calling you multiple times a day/night. I’d start protecting yourself a bit. You can support her without being available to her whenever she calls.

the situation with my mum is some what similar. She has a medical condition, but has never followed the advice or treatment given and has lived a sedentary lifestyle so her condition has continued to worsen over 30+ Years. Not the same as mental illness, but I understand the frustration.

"All she does is sit at home and procrastinate" not sure how i feel about this, OP.

If you fully understood depression you would not be comparing your depression to her depression + anxiety. You would know that what works for you, isn’t necessarily going to work for another sufferer.

So she was born with a crippling mental illness. She’s spoken to her gp, done all kinds of therapy, taken a multitude of anti depressants and other drugs, and practised any holistic/other mental aids she’s come across. But you don’t think she’s done anything about it? Do you think she’s chosen to live this way for fun?

It may be that your Dad doesn’t actually want to leave, it’s just a little bit of respite in his own mind thinking about “what if” he did. I can relate to that a bit when I’m having a really shit time of things with disabled Ds. I love him to the moon and back but sometimes I go on rightmove and google one bed flats in a seaside town just because it makes me feel a tiny bit more human. I’d never do it of course. It’s just that bit of letting off steam. Maybe your Dad is the same. Just keep talking to him. If he did leave your life would be even more difficult as your Mum would lean on you more.

Depressing is nothing compared to anxiety op. Don’t pretend like you know what she’s going through because you’ve had a bit of depression

So she must be given a free pass to drag every one down with her? Op has known her mum all her life to be this way, so there's the childhood that she has affected and her husband and been there throughout. No, she doesn't get to burden everyone for their entire lives with her mh issues. The dad mentioning this idea, means he is definitely thinking of doing it but just wants approval that it's ok. This is what happens when you live your life with someone's mh issues, you become conditioned to live your own life as you wish.

I wouldn’t encourage at all but I’d make it clear I supported them whatever they decided

he doesn’t have to leave her to travel. He can start booking and planning trips without her. Maybe she will get into it? Maybe the time apart will benefit the relationship?

this

Agree with Mally, otherwise youre saying only one person's needs and wants get to be considered, and if one person in a relationship says they have depression/anxiety this then shapes and rules everyone's life henceforth?

Well, he's been with her 30 years. at what point did OP decide he should leave?

Hi OP, I have a similar DM

the major flaw in your thinking is that all of her care will then fall to you, and you didn’t marry her, you are her child. Both your parents are grown adults. You can support your DF in his decisions but I would keep a distance. They need to work their own situation out

No one understands what it’s like as a child (or adult child) what it’s like to have a parent like this. You can’t understand it just from having anxiety. It is suffocating and it steals your childhood frankly. You don’t really get one because your parent is obsessed with themselves and their own needs and all consuming anxiety. I absolutely understand how frustrating it is for someone to have options available to them, and waste them all. Sometimes people don’t want to get better as it’s too scary and they feel more secure staying in their world of anxiety, I just chose not to stay there with my DM too

I don’t think people who have commented really understand this level of anxiety/depression. Once you get there, in this situation people don’t want to really change, they want everyone to join them there and keep the status quo. Therapy and counselling is too scary, and by their 60’s they have got used to living like this.

My DM has stated quite clearly she doesn’t want to change herself, she wants everyone else to accept it and adapt to her. No thanks, that’s not what I signed up for a life indoors, ruminating over every single tiny thing and talking repetitively for hours on end. Don’t blame OP for thinking about what freedom looks like she’s had to live with this for years and I am sure it’s damaged her too, even to the point where she dreams of freeing her dad from it all. It comes from a good place for your dad but don’t do it to yourself OP, stay out of it. You can be supportive from a distance with boundaries. You don’t have to buy into the restrictions and anxiety yourself. I had a lot of therapy for myself and it was so freeing. Encourage your dad to have some counselling

Yes she must be given a free pass because her disabilities are not her fault and despite putting forth effort to manage them for over thirty years, she is where is she due to long term concerted effort not due to lack of willingness or laziness.

The fact you think living with a disabled loved one is “dragging everyone else down with you” and a “burden” that is a very ableist attitude. Would you say the same of a Downs person? Or a paraplegic? Why do you wrongly think mental disorders are within a persons control?