To encourage my dad to leave my mum

[Clementinemist]

My mum (61) has always had crippling anxiety that has severely affected my family, but its to the point now where she won't do anything or go anywhere at all. But she is constantly telling me how depressed she is, and she keeps having panic attacks and calls me at random times of the day and night. All she does is sit at home and procrastinate. She's spoken to her GP, been to all kinds of therapy, done antidepressants, pills, mindfulness, all the usual things over the past 30 odd years. The fact that she's lacking any sort of life is at the heart of her problems but she seems unable, and to be honest unwilling, to do anything about it. It's like she's got comfortable just pottering around the house and doesn't care to do anything else now. She's basically just waiting to get old and die.

I honestly don't know what to do. It sounds horrible but I'm dreading the next 30 odd years of this. It's only going to get worse. My dad has floated the idea of divorce a few times over the past year. He's 64, retired recently, wants to downsize to the coast (about an hour away) and travel the world, but mum doesn't want to. (And she doesnt want him to go either). Aibu to encourage him to leave her? Might give her the wake up call she needs? Or sink her into worse depression? It's all causing such sadness and stress in our family, I just want everyone to be happy. I honestly don't know how I can support her anymore.

she isn't. He has mentioned it a few times to her, she is asking whether she should or not.

Your view is clearly that she shouldn't, but there is nothing in the post at all to say that she has been so far.

My dad has floated the idea of divorce a few times over the past year. He's 64, retired recently, wants to downsize to the coast (about an hour away) and travel the world, but mum doesn't want to. (And she doesnt want him to go either). Aibu to encourage him to leave her

Secondly from what the OP's written about her mother paying only lip service to helping herself to get better for 30 years, the mother is taking much less responsibility for herself than the father, who only floated the idea of divorce this last year, after being married for 29.

Thirdly my post about some people not wanting to take responsibility was in reply to Menora and her situation with her mother.

I’d encourage him to do what he wants, and if that leads to the breakdown on the marriage so be it. I don’t think he should just sit at home all the time too.

As someone with poor MH and anxiety that had recently reared its ugly head again, I would wholeheartedly advise supporting your father in leaving if he feels he can no longer do it.
Loving with someone with poor MH that isn't improving is soul destroying. It's hard for everyone, the Ill person and their family and friends.

I'd just warn you that your mother will have additional sadness to deal with, which will impact you further.

He can travel without divorcing her.

But to do both move to the coast (and remove.her from her support) and then go travelling would not be right. But there is nothing stopping him from travelling.

Far too many people use mental illness as a justification for treating those around them like crap.

Mental illness absolutely can be treated, but if someone is not prepared to go through treatment or even to try then they absolutely do not have the right to expect others to change their lives to accommodate them. And no-one who doesn’t want to be held hostage by someone else’s illness is wrong for wanting to leave, and that applies equally to physical illnesses where a person refuses to engage with treatment.

Nobody tells the partner of an alcoholic that they should stay with them even though they refuse to stop drinking. They tell them to look after themselves, and that they have a right to their own life.

Recently there was a thread on here from the wife of a diabetic who refused to stick to his treatment regimes, and she was encouraged to leave him as she’d reached the end of her patience.

If I refused to take my heart failure meds I would have only myself to blame for being symptomatic.

Mental illness is no different.

If people want mental illness to be seen the same as other illnesses then all principles apply. And that includes the need to seek and engage with treatment, and if not, then others are free to make their own life decisions.

Absolutely all of this!