Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know IABU - please tell me to get a grip!

148 replies

Maybebabynumber1 · 29/05/2022 20:04

DH’s best friend is getting married and a couple of days ago told us they were bringing the wedding forward to a few months time. The date they have chosen happens to be on my son’s first birthday. They are only allowing their families children so he won’t be invited which I completely understand but I can’t help but feel a little devastated. I KNOW that is very dramatic and I’m being completely ridiculous so I really need someone to tell me to get a grip as he won’t remember and we can literally celebrate it the day before or day after.

I think I partly feel like it because I had a bit of a rubbish birth and DS spent a few weeks in the hospital as soon as he was born and I’ve probably not dealt with those feelings properly.

I’m genuinely surprised at how upset I feel about this sodding wedding date and I’m hoping you can give my head a wobble!

OP posts:
KyaClark · 29/05/2022 20:05

I wouldn't go.

Hugasauras · 29/05/2022 20:06

Ah bless you, I think I'd be a bit upset too and I'm not massively sentimental! Even though your son won't know, it did still feel like a special day for me and DH and I wouldn't have wanted to be away from her.

Wasywasydoodah · 29/05/2022 20:07

Tbh, I wouldn’t go either. Tricky, though.

FlamingoDust · 29/05/2022 20:09

YANBU I wouldn't be going and would not be impressed if my husband went. You only get one first birthday!

bloodywhitecat · 29/05/2022 20:09

I wouldn't go either. I always think the first birthday is a milestone birthday.

FlissyPaps · 29/05/2022 20:11

It’s not dramatic at all OP. I’d feel the same as you. Especially since it’s a first birthday, it’s special. No need to give your head a wobble at all.

Did you have anything planned for the birthday? Have you already organised a party?

How does your DH feel about the wedding being on your sons birthday?

Sorry for all the questions /it sounds like an interrogation!

Stickworm · 29/05/2022 20:11

I don’t think yabu, i think that’s a really tricky one 🌺 it’s your babies first birthday you have every right to feel gutted. Sorry I don’t have advice but just to say yanbu x

Vallmo47 · 29/05/2022 20:12

I don’t blame you one bit OP, what a shame! But I wouldn’t judge you if you celebrated him the day before either… like you said, he wouldn’t know nor care.

MarmaladeLime · 29/05/2022 20:12

I wouldn't be sad because I wouldn't go and nor would DH. They can't move their date and expect everyone else to be free. My only exception to this would be if one of them were dying soon.

MarmaladeLime · 29/05/2022 20:13

You're really not being ridiculous

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 29/05/2022 20:14

I'm surprised at the responses so far.I wouldn't think anything of it

A 1 year old doesn't care and ime if the birthday is on a weekday isn't it quite usual to celebrate at the weekend.

girljulian · 29/05/2022 20:14

You’re not being unreasonable, I’d be upset too! But I would also, after some consideration, recognise that, as you say, baby won’t know or care so you could always celebrate his birthday the day before or after. It’s more for you than him at one. It’s just a day.

Antarcticant · 29/05/2022 20:15

Another who says 'don't go'.

I can understand it would be disappointing but I think it comes under the heading of 'one of those things' - if they were bringing it forward at short notice they wouldn't have had much choice about the date, I shouldn't think.

Hankunamatata · 29/05/2022 20:16

My kids were in daycare on their actual 1st birthdays. We celebrated at the weekend yabu

MarmaladeLime · 29/05/2022 20:16

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 29/05/2022 20:14

I'm surprised at the responses so far.I wouldn't think anything of it

A 1 year old doesn't care and ime if the birthday is on a weekday isn't it quite usual to celebrate at the weekend.

It doesn't matter that the one year old won't care. OP does. She's important here too. Being a parent can mean so many sacrifices and putting your wants and needs last. This doesn't have to be one of them.

PlantingTrees · 29/05/2022 20:18

I’d be upset about that too. I wouldn’t want to go

SoupDragon · 29/05/2022 20:19

I think I partly feel like it because I had a bit of a rubbish birth and DS spent a few weeks in the hospital as soon as he was born and I’ve probably not dealt with those feelings properly.

for this first birthday, could you celebrate the day he came home instead?

You aren't being ridiculous though. I do think a first birthday is an important one for the parents. Have you spoken to the bride and groom to explain?

Snugglemuffins4me · 29/05/2022 20:20

I wouldn’t feel bad for not going . We were invited to my DH friends wedding on our daughters 3rd birthday it had been rearranged twice due to covid . He went without me as I didn’t want to not be there with her on the day even though we were having her party a different one .

UniversalTruth · 29/05/2022 20:21

Oh that's tricky! Firstly, you can feel however you feel, I think you sound like you have a healthy attitude to this - you know you feel devastated but you also know that this might be as a result of a difficult time at the birth.

Personally, I think I would go - even if I didn't go, DH would be so we wouldn't be able to properly celebrate. Then I would plan a lovely family celebration the weekend before/after.

However, if the wedding is far so you can't see DS at all on the day, then I would send DH and stay at home

youdroppedthis · 29/05/2022 20:24

Your feelings are valid. You just need to decide what's more important to you. You would be totally reasonable to choose either.

Is it spending the actual day of your son's birthday with him? (I can see how this could go either way, I mean it's a date.. it really means nothing, but if it's so important to you then that is reasonable)

Or going to their wedding with your husband? (rather than him go alone)

Choose one. Then either go or don't go confident in your decision.

You can celebrate the birthday another day. I would honestly pick this, personally, I think! (who knows how I'd feel on the day. I did also have a very traumatic birth and also had to work really hard to breastfeed which would actually prevent me leaving my one year old but your feelings are valid just as much)

DogWithMyOwnRoom · 29/05/2022 20:25

Oh bless you! Well done OP for having such a sensible attitude… of course you are right, your child will have no idea and the day before or after is just as good. I do understand you are disappointed (very natural) but an adult best friend’s wedding (hopefully a one-off) IS more important than a 1st birthday being celebrated on the ACTUAL day.
I can’t believe there are people upthread who wouldn’t go…

Helping you give your head a little wobble - but please don’t feel bad about it, obviously you would want to spend the day with your child. But I do think your priority is correct, this is probably the ONLY birthday he will be unaware of the date, so don’t let others on here make you feel guilty

MarmaladeLime · 29/05/2022 20:27

but an adult best friend’s wedding (hopefully a one-off) IS more important than a 1st birthday being celebrated on the ACTUAL day. to you maybe but I wouldn't expect anyone to give up spending their child's 1st birthday with them for my wedding. Especially if I'd moved the date.

legoouch · 29/05/2022 20:28

MarmaladeLime · 29/05/2022 20:16

It doesn't matter that the one year old won't care. OP does. She's important here too. Being a parent can mean so many sacrifices and putting your wants and needs last. This doesn't have to be one of them.

Show quote history

^ this. It matters to you. Also it’s an anniversary of a traumatic time that you’re still processing - not just a birthday. That’s significant and you need to honour your feelings however you feel is appropriate and helpful to you. IMO a friend’s wedding ranks lower than a son’s birthday and processing trauma. You have to put yourself and your family first, and then you can attend to your friends. If there’s a way you can put yourself and family first on a different date and still go to the wedding then that’s great, but do what’s right for you.

Basilbrushgotfat · 29/05/2022 20:29

Yeah, I wouldn't go. And tbh, I'd expect your DHs best friend to know it was your sons first birthday and absolve him attending

Cotherstone · 29/05/2022 20:32

I’ve moved a child’s birthday before. I moved DS’s when he was 5 because we were on holiday, he didn’t know the dates really, and the one thing he really wanted to do was the day after. So all just kept schtum and celebrated it the next day.

But that was going to be the 15th DC birthday I’d had, so it didn’t feel precious or special and we were all happier that he got to do his amazing thing on his “birthday”.

I say that to say that no way on earth would I miss a DC’s first birthday, especially not if it was my first DC.

Don’t go. Or just go for a very short bit.