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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know IABU - please tell me to get a grip!

148 replies

Maybebabynumber1 · 29/05/2022 20:04

DH’s best friend is getting married and a couple of days ago told us they were bringing the wedding forward to a few months time. The date they have chosen happens to be on my son’s first birthday. They are only allowing their families children so he won’t be invited which I completely understand but I can’t help but feel a little devastated. I KNOW that is very dramatic and I’m being completely ridiculous so I really need someone to tell me to get a grip as he won’t remember and we can literally celebrate it the day before or day after.

I think I partly feel like it because I had a bit of a rubbish birth and DS spent a few weeks in the hospital as soon as he was born and I’ve probably not dealt with those feelings properly.

I’m genuinely surprised at how upset I feel about this sodding wedding date and I’m hoping you can give my head a wobble!

OP posts:
Iusyje · 29/05/2022 20:40

MarmaladeLime · 29/05/2022 20:12

I wouldn't be sad because I wouldn't go and nor would DH. They can't move their date and expect everyone else to be free. My only exception to this would be if one of them were dying soon.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

MarmaladeLime · 29/05/2022 20:43

Iusyje · 29/05/2022 20:40

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Show quote history

Why is that funny?

mycatisannoying · 29/05/2022 20:44

I'm not an earth mother type, but I wouldn't go.
Poor you OP! Flowers

underneaththeash · 29/05/2022 20:46

Of course you shouldn't go. Just remind them it's his first birthday.

Purplehonesty2 · 29/05/2022 20:47

I wouldn't go! No way - but it does put you in a tricky position having to decline.

They changed the date though and can't expect everyone to be fre surely!

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/05/2022 20:53

We wouldn’t be going. Neither of us would want to. So many people are ridiculous about children's birthdays and by that I mean this sort of reverse snobbery about not making a fuss, especially in the early years. DD turned one in first lockdown and two in the third one and I was fucking gutted. We went nuts for her third one, it was brilliant.

It took us years, blood, sweat, tears, drugs, surgeries and hell to have her. It was a massive deal to be a mum for a year and if lockdown hadn’t shat on it from a great height we’d have had a party.

If you’d been invited to this wedding on his birthday you’d probably have said no, and now they’ve moved it you can’t still do that. They’ve changed it, not you.

“We’re no longer able to attend your wedding, have a wonderful day and we’ll see you soon to hear all about it”. Done.

NutellaCrumpet1 · 29/05/2022 20:53

Surely neither of you are going to go?

Bellyups · 29/05/2022 20:57

I wouldn’t go anywhere that made me miss my child’s first birthday.
Some people saying baby won’t remember…of closer not, but with my children I always felt that first birthday was a huge milestone for the parents. Nothing would make me miss it

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/05/2022 20:58

I'm another who would choose not to attend the wedding.

'Thank you for inviting us to your wedding, unfortunately your new date clashes with our son's birthday and naturally we want to spend that day with him. Best wishes for your married life, etc etc'

Discuss your decision with DH, but remind him that you "had a bit of a rubbish birth and DS spent a few weeks in the hospital as soon as he was born" and that although you are "genuinely surprised at how upset" you feel about his friend's wedding being moved to that date, it has made you realise that you've "probably not dealt with those feelings properly" and now see that you absolutely MUST deal with them now, and not spending your son's birthday with him is going to get in the way of dealing with it.

Pfaffingabout · 29/05/2022 20:58

I would absolutely go to the wedding and celebrate their big day with them. It doesn't take away from your son's first birthday. You could celebrate his birthday the day before or after - and I second the idea of celebrating the day that you brought your ds home from the hospital as well!

sunlight81 · 29/05/2022 21:02

youdroppedthis · 29/05/2022 20:24

Your feelings are valid. You just need to decide what's more important to you. You would be totally reasonable to choose either.

Is it spending the actual day of your son's birthday with him? (I can see how this could go either way, I mean it's a date.. it really means nothing, but if it's so important to you then that is reasonable)

Or going to their wedding with your husband? (rather than him go alone)

Choose one. Then either go or don't go confident in your decision.

You can celebrate the birthday another day. I would honestly pick this, personally, I think! (who knows how I'd feel on the day. I did also have a very traumatic birth and also had to work really hard to breastfeed which would actually prevent me leaving my one year old but your feelings are valid just as much)

This advice is great!!

Beelezebub · 29/05/2022 21:03

Their wedding is important to them.

Your son’s birthday is important to you and the rest of your family.

It’s not unreasonable not to want to go to a wedding when it’s on the same day as a first birthday, especially when they’ve decided to change the date.

Friendships may not last; he’s your son forever.

Given the circumstances surrounding the birth, I really don’t think I’d go.

orwellwasright · 29/05/2022 21:04

I wouldn't go to someone's wedding on my kid's first bday. And I'm a really crap mother.

Ihatethenewlook · 29/05/2022 21:05

You are not being unreasonable at all. I wouldn’t go. Are you sure the groom wouldn’t allow your child to go for the sake of his best friend? It’s a reasonable request not wanting to miss your baby’s first birthday

Bournetilly · 29/05/2022 21:07

Honestly YANBU and they should understand if you don’t want to go! I wouldn’t go for the full day, maybe just the night do as your DS would probably be in bed anyway.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 29/05/2022 21:08

As a none parent i can't say for sure, but on instinct i think i'd want to make a big deal out of my babys first birthday, moreso than go to my partners best friends wedding. I can't say what my partner would decide, but he already has a 6 year old so has done the whole "first borns first birthday" before, and he rarely sees his friend as he moved to a different country.
I don't think you should decide for your husband, by all means you spend it with baby, but husband should choose for himself with no pressure from you which he wants to attend, without any guilt trip or consequences if he chooses the wedding. For most, weddings are one offs, your baby will have many birthdays.

bumbledeedum · 29/05/2022 21:08

I wouldn't go either

ReginaGeorgeismyname · 29/05/2022 21:08

Is the wedding near who will likely be looking after your baby? I ask as weddings tend to start about 1pm.. and 1 year old still nap so how much of the day will you really miss? Could you do a special birthday breakfast before dropping your baby off?

ArabellaDrummond · 29/05/2022 21:09

YANBU
i personally wouldn’t go and just let DH go but not judging if you did go of course that’s just me!
What a shit situation for you

EverydayIsPJday · 29/05/2022 21:10

I wouldn't go OP

Calphurnia88 · 29/05/2022 21:12

girljulian · 29/05/2022 20:14

You’re not being unreasonable, I’d be upset too! But I would also, after some consideration, recognise that, as you say, baby won’t know or care so you could always celebrate his birthday the day before or after. It’s more for you than him at one. It’s just a day.

Agree 100% with this.

YANBU for feeling this way, the timing is really unfortunate. But I think you might regret not going to the wedding (where you and DH can have - some probably much needed - grown up fun) whereas DC won't know or care whether you end up celebrating his birthday the day after.

12345FishAlive · 29/05/2022 21:12

Who has told you that you need to get a grip? Was it your DH? No way would I be going to a wedding and not spending the day with DS on his first birthday.

Addicted2LuvIsland · 29/05/2022 21:13

I wouldn't go

caringcarer · 29/05/2022 21:15

I will be telling bride and groom you are sorry, but nothing in the world is more important than being with your baby on his first birthday. I'd be planning a little party for him to celebrate tbh.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 29/05/2022 21:15

Does everyone book a days holidays for their kids birthdays? I'm obvs unusual because I think I'd go to the wedding. Personally I'd just celebrate the day another day- but it's not really relevant what I'd do.

Either way it's entirely up to you and you can miss a wedding or any other event you want for whatever reason you want.

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