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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know IABU - please tell me to get a grip!

148 replies

Maybebabynumber1 · 29/05/2022 20:04

DH’s best friend is getting married and a couple of days ago told us they were bringing the wedding forward to a few months time. The date they have chosen happens to be on my son’s first birthday. They are only allowing their families children so he won’t be invited which I completely understand but I can’t help but feel a little devastated. I KNOW that is very dramatic and I’m being completely ridiculous so I really need someone to tell me to get a grip as he won’t remember and we can literally celebrate it the day before or day after.

I think I partly feel like it because I had a bit of a rubbish birth and DS spent a few weeks in the hospital as soon as he was born and I’ve probably not dealt with those feelings properly.

I’m genuinely surprised at how upset I feel about this sodding wedding date and I’m hoping you can give my head a wobble!

OP posts:
Jalepenojello · 29/05/2022 22:32

Personal choice. I wouldn’t think twice about going but can really see a split in responses. If you don’t want to go, don’t go. If you don’t want to go due to a birthday at age 1, personally I can’t relate to that….but you do you.

Jalepenojello · 29/05/2022 22:35

Actually upon reading your OH is best man, I really think he should attend in this case…. You’ll look back in a few years and cringe

RaininSummer · 29/05/2022 22:38

I am not terrifically sentimental but I do think the first birthday is special so I would be sad about not being able to be with my baby on the actual day. I wouldn't go to the wedding.

chubbachub · 29/05/2022 22:38

Oh hell no.

I wouldnt be going. As others have said, you only get one first birthday.

Badqueen · 29/05/2022 22:38

I wouldn't go to the wedding. I had a traumatic birth with mine and therefore their first birthday was incredibly important to me. Something to do with processing the trauma, i think. It was a very difficult day emotionally and i needed to spend it with my dc.

boydoggies · 29/05/2022 22:39

I'd spend the day with my little one and then go to the wedding in the evening.

sunflowerdaisyrose · 29/05/2022 22:40

We both worked on our eldest's first birthday so she was at nursery all day and we celebrated two days later at the weekend with family and friends. I'd go to the wedding and have a great time!

whynotwhatknot · 29/05/2022 22:41

Put it this way op

i dont have children but i dont think you should go

they shoud at least say your baby can come

EmerLou · 29/05/2022 22:46

Tbh mumsnet posters notoriously hate weddings (just check any wedding related post), and you see a lot of "I wouldn't go!" due to various reasons. So I would take a lot of these replies with a pinch of salt....

I'd go. It clearly means a lot to your husband to be there, and tbh I don't think the reasoning behind the date change matters in the slightest. It's noones business but theirs. They've changed it, and that's that. You either go or you don't.

I can see why you're upset. But like you said, it's local. You'll see your baby in the morning of their birthday. Have a lovely day with them the day before or the day after. It's an incredibly important day for you, but it'll be just as special celebrating it on a different day. My sisters child's first birthday was a Tuesday, so after my sister got home from work, her and her husband had a little champagne to celebrate themselves but they didn't do cake or presents till the Saturday and the baby knew no different. It was still a very special celebration.

I get weddings aren't important to some people, and that's fine. But if they are close friends, and your husband is best man, I do think in this case you should just accept the (annoying) timing of it and make alternative birthday plans to get excited about.

smileyworld · 29/05/2022 22:47

I have 4DC and only missed one 1st birthday (term time, am a teacher.)

I cried the whole day.

I would explain and ask, as DH is best man and it's a first birthday, could DC come along?

Honestly, only the hardest of hearts would refuse that!

ladydimitrescu · 29/05/2022 22:52

He won't know, but you will! Yanbu and I wouldn't go.

Jeelypieces20storeys · 29/05/2022 22:57

It's an invite, not a summons.

I wouldn't go.

lifesnotaspectatorsport · 29/05/2022 23:03

Since you've only chatted by text, I definitely think you/DH should talk to the bride & groom and explain it's your son's 1st birthday. They've probably not realised!

If it were my best friend (or any friend, really), I would agree for the baby to come. It's not like it's going to affect their numbers/ catering costs etc.

We had a friend's 8 week old at our wedding and she was a total hit with all the guests. We originally wanted a child-free wedding but it wasn't possible for some of our friends. In the case of the little baby, we hadn't expected they would come actually and were delighted they did. Another good friend simply didn't want to leave her kids so we agreed they could come.

I think your friends will be understanding Smile

Tiredmum100 · 29/05/2022 23:03

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 29/05/2022 21:15

Does everyone book a days holidays for their kids birthdays? I'm obvs unusual because I think I'd go to the wedding. Personally I'd just celebrate the day another day- but it's not really relevant what I'd do.

Either way it's entirely up to you and you can miss a wedding or any other event you want for whatever reason you want.

I do, I always book a day off work for my dc birthdays. I don't want to be rushing out of work and getting home til 6. I want to pick them up from school and do something with them. Ds1 birthday always falls in the holidays so we try to have a day out.

RaspberryParfait · 29/05/2022 23:05

If your DH is best man, I’d certainly go.

Make a little birthday breakfast/brunch with cake, balloons and presents with family/friends depending on time of wedding assuming it’s a weekend and they are available. Hopefully someone can stay on to do childcare? You also deserve a little fun time out at the wedding for yourself as the one who did all the hard work bringing him into the world!

lifeturnsonadime · 29/05/2022 23:15

I'm also a bit surprised at the responses on here.

If the invite had been received by me when my babies were little i think I'd have felt a similar dilemma but now they are teens I definitely think that if your DH is Best Man you should prioritise the wedding.

You can still celebrate your baby's first birthday, and it is more for you than for baby as they won't know , and be present at an important occasion for your friends.

FlissyPaps · 29/05/2022 23:17

oviraptor21 · 29/05/2022 22:20

Goodness - that would be my entire annual leave used up with birthdays!

Goodness, how many children do you have??

Sunnytwobridges · 29/05/2022 23:26

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 29/05/2022 20:14

I'm surprised at the responses so far.I wouldn't think anything of it

A 1 year old doesn't care and ime if the birthday is on a weekday isn't it quite usual to celebrate at the weekend.

This. I wouldn’t have a problem going. I would celebrate the birthday the day before/after or on another day.

minutesturntohours · 29/05/2022 23:28

Ultimately its up to you OP.

surreygirl1987 · 29/05/2022 23:40

I actually wouldn't think anything of it. I was at work on my oldest son's first birthday anyway so we celebrated it the weekend after. My second child's first birthday was on a nursery day so we simply told his older brother his birthday was the following Saturday and cele rated it then instead. But then, I'm not that sentimental. I was amazed when my fitness class instructor cancelled all her classes one weekday because it was her daughter's first birthday, but it sounds like most of you would totally get that!

Pickabearanybear · 30/05/2022 00:36

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Scuttlingherbert · 30/05/2022 00:41

I understand child free weddings but if the bride and groom's families' children are allowed, I think it's crazy that doesn't also extend to the best man, especially given the situation with the birthday and traumatic birth.

Could your husband ask if the baby can come?

Haven't read the whole thread so sorry if someone else has said this

Sunnytwobridges · 30/05/2022 01:03

This reply has been deleted

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

I know right????

CinnabarRed · 30/05/2022 01:26

I’m amazed at these responses. It’s just a birthday. Just a day. All three of my DC’s 1st birthdays fell on week days so we celebrated on the nearest weekend day.

if I were the couple getting married I would genuinely be deeply hurt if someone didn’t come because the wedding date happened to coincide with a child’s birthday, 1st or otherwise.

Badqueen · 30/05/2022 07:07

I think people have missed that the op has unresolved birth trauma. The anniversary of the traumatic event is probably going to be difficult. More difficult than someone who was lucky enough not to suffer birth trauma and take their baby straight home. Op do what feels right to you. I found CBT and EMDR helpful, in the long run. 1 year in, i had barely realised the extent of my problem (turned out to be ptsd). But i knew i needed to spend their 1st birthday and the anniversary of the trauma at home with them.