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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know IABU - please tell me to get a grip!

148 replies

Maybebabynumber1 · 29/05/2022 20:04

DH’s best friend is getting married and a couple of days ago told us they were bringing the wedding forward to a few months time. The date they have chosen happens to be on my son’s first birthday. They are only allowing their families children so he won’t be invited which I completely understand but I can’t help but feel a little devastated. I KNOW that is very dramatic and I’m being completely ridiculous so I really need someone to tell me to get a grip as he won’t remember and we can literally celebrate it the day before or day after.

I think I partly feel like it because I had a bit of a rubbish birth and DS spent a few weeks in the hospital as soon as he was born and I’ve probably not dealt with those feelings properly.

I’m genuinely surprised at how upset I feel about this sodding wedding date and I’m hoping you can give my head a wobble!

OP posts:

MagicTurtle · 30/05/2022 07:11

Of course it's up to you, but I'd definitely go.

Calphurnia88 · 30/05/2022 07:37

waitingpatientlyforspring · 29/05/2022 22:18

We took a weeks annual leave for each child's birthday, until the oldest started school. We have always made birthdays special. Of course now they are at school so often have a birthday on a school day.

Show quote history

What, even when they were 1?

That seems a lot at any age (unless you planned family holidays around it) but you do you!

NutellaCrumpet1 · 30/05/2022 07:41

I honestly can't get my head around parents not being bothered about spending their kids' birthdays with them. I have 4 children and my husband always books a days annual leave if their birthday falls on a work day. Actually fairly fortunate that their birthdays all full in school holiday time. Seems quite heartless to be so detached. Fair enough if you have no other choice due to work or whatever and to be sad at the prospect, but to just not be bothered by it seems very alien to me.

Darbs76 · 30/05/2022 07:53

You are not being ridiculous. I wouldn’t want to go either

rainbowunicorn · 30/05/2022 08:01

I wouldn't go

HoopDaHoop · 30/05/2022 08:02

I wouldn't go tbh.

dancemom · 30/05/2022 08:06

If it's local could you have a birthday celebration for your DS in the morning and then go to the wedding after that?

TheNemesisOfLame · 30/05/2022 08:09

I missed my DD 1st birthday as I'd signed up for an event without thinking.
We celebrated on a different day and she never knew....but I still have a tinge of guilt 20 years later.

timeisnotaline · 30/05/2022 08:10

I’d absolutely go. I’d tell my husband it upset me a bit so he could support me to have a moment. We had a weeks holiday in cornwall leaving on a Saturday obviously, ds1 turned 1 the Friday before leaving. So we scrambled home from work, said happy birthday and packed, then had some champagne and his first taste of icecream and celebrated being parents to a 1 year old on a lovely holiday , and I made a cake when we got back so we sang to him again :)

ChairCareOh · 30/05/2022 08:14

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

ChairCareOh · 30/05/2022 08:16

This reply has been deleted

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almostsinglemum · 30/05/2022 08:16

Badqueen · 30/05/2022 07:07

I think people have missed that the op has unresolved birth trauma. The anniversary of the traumatic event is probably going to be difficult. More difficult than someone who was lucky enough not to suffer birth trauma and take their baby straight home. Op do what feels right to you. I found CBT and EMDR helpful, in the long run. 1 year in, i had barely realised the extent of my problem (turned out to be ptsd). But i knew i needed to spend their 1st birthday and the anniversary of the trauma at home with them.

Same. I struggled too on my DD's first birthday due to it also being the anniversary of a really traumatic time for me. OP is not being remotely unreasonable.

JudgeRindersMinder · 30/05/2022 08:18

I think I partly feel like it because I had a bit of a rubbish birth and DS spent a few weeks in the hospital as soon as he was born and I’ve probably not dealt with those feelings properly

I think this part is very important. I know that your head will probably be saying that your a baby won’t be aware of the date on the calendar etc, but for you the date is huge, and I know if it were me, I’d be a bit fragile so not the greatest company at a wedding.

Hugasauras · 30/05/2022 08:18

CinnabarRed · 30/05/2022 01:26

I’m amazed at these responses. It’s just a birthday. Just a day. All three of my DC’s 1st birthdays fell on week days so we celebrated on the nearest weekend day.

if I were the couple getting married I would genuinely be deeply hurt if someone didn’t come because the wedding date happened to coincide with a child’s birthday, 1st or otherwise.

See I would be the opposite. Of course I wouldn't expect someone to miss their child's birthday to come to my wedding!

The thing is, if it's not important to you then you don't 'get it' and that's fine. But for a lot of people it is a very important thing and why shouldn't it be?

I'm not particularly sentimental and certainly wasn't overly PFB but her first birthday did feel important to me. DH and I both took the day off work and we spent it together. Of course she didn't know, but we did.

katkit · 30/05/2022 08:51

I wouldn’t go!

AngelinaFibres · 30/05/2022 08:54

You have free will in life Op. If your son's first birthday is the most important thing then prioritise that. Take the bride and groom out for a special meal before or after their wedding and buy them a nice gift. If they don't have children yet then they will understand when they do.
If you can do a party for your son the day before and then enjoy the wedding that's fine too.
Could you go to the evening do after the wedding if you absolutely have to have a celebration for your son on the actual day.
When my eldest son was one I was 5 months pregnant with my second son and had absolutely horrendous hyperemesis. I weighed 6 stone and looked like a skeleton. He had a supermarket cake with a candle in. I could barely look at all the cream on it. We didn't have a party . Presumably grandparents called in with gifts. I can't really remember. He doesn't remember or feel hard done by. I was just too ill to care at the time.
It's up to you and your husband Op. Do what your gut tells you. Friends who are real friends will understand.

neverbeenskiing · 30/05/2022 09:01

I wouldn't go. I can't get my head around the B&G "bringing the wedding forward by a few months" without checking whether their Best Man would be available on the new date.

OP, has your DH actually told them the new date they've chosen is your child's birthday? If not, why not? I can't imagine any reasonable B&G in this scenario not offering for you to bring baby along to the wedding.

UmbilicusProfundus · 30/05/2022 09:06

Another one who thinks the invitation should be extended to your baby given that your husband is a best man especially as they have inconveniently moved the date.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 30/05/2022 09:32

Could you explain it’s your DS’s first birthday and find out if it would be possible to bring him with you? That way you can still be with him and celebrate a little.

SaveMePlease · 30/05/2022 15:29

Initially I was siding with the majority of people who said they wouldn't go but actually I think attending the wedding will make the birthday even more celebratory in a way. Particularly because your DH can give a birthday shout out and toast to the little one during the best man speech and you can still do little things like have a cake or open presents if you want to. You can then celebrate with family the day before or after or at the weekend :)

SaveMePlease · 30/05/2022 15:30

Urgh, I'm SO stupid - forgot, child isn't invited....I don't see how the couple to be could deny you bringing baby along! I was best man at a wedding where no kids were allowed and the couple said they would obviously make an exception for us without us even asking (we had a 8 month old at the time.)

HeArInGhandsgirl11 · 30/05/2022 18:58

I wouldn't go, YANBU

Lemonyfuckit · 30/05/2022 19:10

I don't think YABU at all OP. To be honest I would expect for something like this - a wedding you give people the date anything up to a year in advance and obviously check nearest and dearest can do that date when you first set it. To change the date so last minute I think it's pretty rude of the couple to put people like you and your DH - ie with him having an important role in the wedding - in this situation - they should have checked whether that date works for you. I know your DH is best man but they should have checked, so I don't think you'd be unreasonable at all to say sorry we can't make that new date. I mean, it's not inconceivable that people have other plans and I think your son's first birthday is a pretty big plan!

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