I know IABU - please tell me to get a grip!

[Maybebabynumber1]

DH’s best friend is getting married and a couple of days ago told us they were bringing the wedding forward to a few months time. The date they have chosen happens to be on my son’s first birthday. They are only allowing their families children so he won’t be invited which I completely understand but I can’t help but feel a little devastated. I KNOW that is very dramatic and I’m being completely ridiculous so I really need someone to tell me to get a grip as he won’t remember and we can literally celebrate it the day before or day after.

I think I partly feel like it because I had a bit of a rubbish birth and DS spent a few weeks in the hospital as soon as he was born and I’ve probably not dealt with those feelings properly.

I’m genuinely surprised at how upset I feel about this sodding wedding date and I’m hoping you can give my head a wobble!

I wouldn't go

The parent knows. They are important too.

The couple getting married might not even care that much. It's not like they'll spend the whole day feeling upset if they aren't there. Or maybe DH could go if he isn't bothered. But OP clearly is, why should her friends feelings come over her clearly very strong emotions.

First of all, thank you for all your kind responses! It’s actually really helping to know that I’m not unreasonable for feeling a bit gutted about the date change. I’m not sure how to respond to posters individually yet (usually more of a browser than a poster) but to answer a couple of questions:-

DH is best man which makes it even trickier but ultimately we both want to go to celebrate their big day. It is just the new date that has thrown us a little bit and as a couple of PP’s have said my feelings on it probably a lot to do with the circumstances when he was born.

DH is understanding of my feelings and wishes they hadn’t chosen that date but thinks he is in an impossible situation that we are going to have to just try and work around. He hasn’t told me to get a grip, that’s just me trying to put some logic to it! I know he would prefer not to go on his own and it wouldn’t quite be the same celebrating DS’s birthday without him there.

The wedding is local and I think there must have been a cancellation at the venue which may be why they’ve decided to bring the date forward. I know they are keen to start a family and I think want to be married first (no one dying or illnesses that I’m aware of) but I’m not entirely sure as we’ve just had a hurried text message from them over the weekend advising of the date change. Hopefully, nothing more serious has happened as I hadn’t considered that.

Loads of great suggestions from posters and I’m very touched by some of the messages so thank you. I particularly love the idea of celebrating when DS came home from hospital, that’s a great shout.

I’ll have another chat with DH tomorrow about it and I’ll update you all further. He’ll probably see the groom at some point this week so at least we’ll know the reason for the date change which I think will help with making a decision.

I wouldn’t go. It’s his first birthday, I can still remember my daughters, nothing could’ve stopped me from being with her that day.

I think the reason why the wedding was getting pulled forward would determine how i would feel about it.

If it was pulled forward due to a dying family member, or illness etc, then it puts 1st birthdays in perspective and would be fine with it.

If its because they got a cancellation date at their preferred venue, or last minute cheap deal, then i would probably say i cant make the new date and celebrate the birthday instead.

I would expect my best friend to understand my situation and allow me to bring my baby. I would also expect to take the baby far away during vows etc. My best friend would probably give my baby a shout out during speeches. I don’t think this would be unusual.

If he's the best man then I think he should explain the situation and then hopefully they'll let you bring your DC. If not as it's local could you all go for the ceremony then leave? Or after the meal?

Yes that's my thinking too. If DH is close to the groom then it should be easy for him to find out if what's going on is for an important reason or just money saving/more convenient.

Nope.

I'd get DH to speak to him and ask if he can be allowed - if he can't, then no go.

I'm astonished at the early replies.
There really is no significance at all to a date.
Just celebrate the '1st' birthday on another day.
I can't even remember if we did anything special on DD1's first birthday. I remember she had a party with some other 1 year olds around that time but it wasn't on her day.
The others we probably had grandparents round on the nearest weekend.

I would be a bit miffed too but obviously they didn’t do it on purpose.

I assume the wedding is a couple of hours so you can do both and it won’t be an issue.

We took a weeks annual leave for each child's birthday, until the oldest started school. We have always made birthdays special. Of course now they are at school so often have a birthday on a school day.

I must be unusual because I'd go to the wedding. I honestly can't remember any of my children's first birthdays (and they can't either), but I can remember the weddings of the people I really love and care for.

I took a day off. Presumably if this was on a working day they wouldn't be able to go to the wedding either. Not being able to take a day off work is not the same as having a day off but feeling obliged to go and celebrate something else.

Goodness - that would be my entire annual leave used up with birthdays!

They could get divorced but your child will always be your child.

I wouldn't go. My choice though...

Could do as another poster suggested, just go to the ceremony and then leave.

But again, I had a similar situation. Difficult birth and 2 weeks in hospital, followed by lockdown. I would do my sons birthday, every time. It is a milestone I wouldn't want to miss and I know people have to work etc, its shite, but it's up to you if have the choice do what you think is best and will make you feel comfortable looking back in years to come.

Each to their own.

Do you celebrate Christmas?

Just celebrate the birthday on another day. I worked on my DS first birthday as I’d just started a new job and had a big meeting. We simply had a family party at the weekend. I have all the photos of me and DS with a birthday cake, opening presents etc. just a few days after the actual anniversary of his birth.

Celebrate your DS's First Birthday on the day.
You are only One once, whereas marriages? They aren't one offs these days.

I wouldn't go either. You can't get a first birthday back.

I’d have took the day off work and booked that a month after her birth. It’s a big deal in my culture, so are weddings and this isn’t a dig but the idea of not having children at a wedding would be very strange where I am from. All cultures and people are different, each to their own.

I can understand your feelings but I would still go , you can have time with dc in morning for presents etc ( not that they are that interested ) and then do a big family party the day after
Many kids are in nursery etc on 1st birthdays , many have a birthday midweek so the big celebration is at the weekend with all the family