To worry about family dogs when kids visit friends' houses?

[DogVisitingConcern]

My DC (13) has been invited to someone's house for the first time, they have a dog and I have no idea what the dog is like.

I have no reason to assume it will be an unpleasant dog, or the family not responsible with the dog, but it really makes me uneasy because:

• I have been bitten by a dog


• My DH has been bitten by a dog


• My youngest was almost bitten but we managed to lift them out of the way in time (they were small when it happened)


• My extended family have had dogs that were a bit moody

Do you worry about dogs when sending your kid round to new homes? I am not into dogs, I grew up with them, I consider them a PITA but I don't quake around them.

YABU = I don't worry about unknown pet dogs when my kids go to friends' houses
YANBU = I do worry about unknown pet dogs when my kids go to friends' houses

He has been to other people's houses, yes, and has been to houses with dogs - but not on his own to a house where there was a dog we had not met previously with me IYSWIM.

I guess it would have cropped up sooner if we had not had COVID.

Why would you not want to do all you can to keep them safe in the event they do come across an unfriendly dog? I'm not sure where I said I don't want to do all I can to keep him safe?

I will be sure to tell him that if a dog wags its tail it either means the dog is being friendly or it wants to bite him. That will be enormously helpful for him I am sure!

I don’t let DD go to a friends house if they have a dog unless the dog is shut away or off with a dogwalker etc.

DD is scared of dogs and reading the number of kids being killed by them I can see why! Most dog owners round here seem to be first time dog owners who bought it in last couple of years and don’t have it under proper control.

What age is your DD, and how do you ask this @Lavenderlast ?

I think it feels hard to discuss, people get so offended about this sort of thing.

I have a small nervous dog.
I always crate him in my bedroom and don't allow the dc in there.
I wouldn't be in the slightest offended if someone checked about the dog.

I wouldn't be in the slightest offended if someone checked about the dog. This is reassuring, thank you.

See, you're just being silly now 🙄

You presumably taught your son road safety, not to talk to strangers, what to do if he gets lost, how to make hot drinks, what to do if he injures himself - teaching him about canine body language (and maybe reading up on it yourself) falls in the same category.

You're not always going to be able to protect him and assess situations in advance so the best thing you can possibly do for him is give him as much information as possible so he can keep himself as safe as possible.

To me, that's just common sense.

I would just speak with the parents. We have a (very excitable jumpy but lovely young) dog. If dc have friends over, she goes in her crate or if outside stays on the lead with us. It’s not just about the dog, it’s also about how children might react to her or tease her. It’s not fair to anyone to have her rambling about if we aren’t sure how she might respond or how others might behave towards her.

I’d have no issue with another parent raising their concerns with me and asking any questions. I’d rather people feel comfortable that their dc are safe and we aren’t twats.

I am not being silly - but how would my son know that a dog you've never met and has just come into the room is wagging its tail in a happy way or an unhappy way?

I am not sure you have ever met a child, I assume you know a lot about dogs. You are asking me to tell my child to watch the dog very carefully to ensure they do not miss it yawning. Presumably it may also yawn for the same reasons humans do - tiredness/oxygen. So my child has to not chat with his friend but watch the dog in case it yawns and then be able to confidently work out if it is a tired yawn or an angry yawn.

Absolutely bonkers.

I wouldn't worry about most dogs but there are certain dogs I would not let my children go to the houses of, for example Rottweilers and German Shepherds. Don't think a playdate is worth the risk.

Nice victim blaming there. How about dog owners train there dogs not to bite people?

Also 🤦🏻‍♀️ at people saying that dog attacks are the fault of the people who are attacked. Our dog is never off lead in a situation where we don’t feel confident we can recall her safely.

My dc have been attacked by off lead dogs, my mum was knocked completely off her feet by one, we’ve had innumerable lunches eaten at parks and festivals by dogs. Never one had an owner even apologise or acknowledge (except for the few who shouted all sorts of things at my dc and threatened us).

I’m a dog owner and I love my Ddog but responsibility for her behaviour and how safe others feel around her lies with me. You never know if a child has SEN or is hearing or visually impaired or has had a recent negative experience with a dog to be able to expect they’ll react as we wish they would. It’s my job to make my dog behave in public, just like it’s my job to make sure my dc cause no one any harm.

I am not being silly - but how would my son know that a dog you've never met and has just come into the room is wagging its tail in a happy way or an unhappy way?

Because he would need to look at other body language too - the tail is just one part of the picture.

I am not sure you have ever met a child, I assume you know a lot about dogs. You are asking me to tell my child to watch the dog very carefully to ensure they do not miss it yawning. Presumably it may also yawn for the same reasons humans do - tiredness/oxygen. So my child has to not chat with his friend but watch the dog in case it yawns and then be able to confidently work out if it is a tired yawn or an angry yawn.

Absolutely bonkers.

Again, I'm not saying that at all 🙈

Of course your son doesn't need to sit there and watch the dog constantly - but if the dog does approach him and he decides to give it a fuss (which I'm sure he will at some point) and the dog turns away or shows other signs of discomfort (like yawning), your son will then have the knowledge to walk away, or withdraw his attention from the dog.

Likewise if he goes to sit down on the sofa near the dog and it shows signs of discomfort, he will then know to get up and move away rather than remain in the dogs space.

It's certainly not bonkers to learn about canine body language and put yourself in the safest position possible.

No I really don't worry about this at all. Kids that are old enough to go over to friends' places without me are generally old enough to know how to behave with a dog. Dogs that bite for no reason are unusual, and while unpleasant, most dog bites are not that serious. Dogs that attack are really quite unusual, and aren't on the list of things I am going to fret over, just like being struck by lightning isn't something I fret about.

Nice victim blaming there. How about dog owners train there dogs not to bite people?

Absolutely they should and I don't think I've once said otherwise?

But it's not victim blaming to say that learning about canine body language is a good idea, just like it's not victim blaming to tell children to look both ways before they cross the street, or stop before running out into traffic.

It's common sense to learn about potential dangers so you can do what you can to protect yourself. That doesn't mean that it's your fault if you get bitten but if you don't educate yourself about the dangers how can you keep yourself safe if (for example) a strange dog approaches you and starts becoming aggressive?

Right. So if we go back to my original posts - I said my kid avoids dogs and will not fuss them. So what my kid does already is what you are advising me to tell my kid to do.

FFS. All this for you to tell me to tell my kid to do exactly what I tell him to do anyway - which is give the dog a wide berth and not fuss it.

walk away, or withdraw his attention from the dog My child would not give the dog any attention anyway, he does not want to stroke a dog.
move away rather than remain in the dogs space My child would not go into the dog's space anyway, because he does not want to sit next to a dog.

The whole point is he does not want to interact with a dog. I can't realistically tell him he has to observe the bloody dog's facial expressions for signs of upset - he wants to chat to his friend.

OP your son is 13, not 3. I have a kid aged 12 and you are wayyyyyy overthinking this! The dog will probably be interested in your son for about 30 seconds when they first come in, if that!

I really hope so!
I do not trust all people automatically and have had a lot of bad experiences with dickhead dogs owners

I can't imagine stopping her from going to friends with dogs at 13! My daughter pretty much organises her social life with her friends without any parental involvement bar her telling me to which friend I need to drive her or who is coming to ours. It would be hugely embarrassing for your 13-year-old if you get involved

I get your fear OP and I grew up with dogs and absolutely adore them. I do think the breed plays a huge part though. I never let my in laws look after my kids due to them owning a staffie, he is treated like their baby. He's a lovely happy dog but I just wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my children at theirs knowing what a dog like that can be capable of. My parents have always been very risk aware and responsible. I grew up with Retrievers but the dogs knew their place and were happy for it. A dog needs boundaries, otherwise it will be very confused when children come along.

Mine just doesn't seem to mind that I am involved - but I only am because it was the other parent who contacted me, not me contacting them.

I have not said I would stop him going. Just that it concerns me because for the first time it is a family I don't know plus a dog I don't know.

Yes, I worry about this. Also, do they have a carbon monoxide detector, if my child is having a sleepover. Ugh.

are you passing an anxiety in to your son here.

I could understand if you were concerned about a toddler but at 13 he should be able to visit friends without this level of parental anxiety.

we All encounter dogs regularly in life. It sounds like you have been unlucky. But your son will have to go to a lot of places where dogs will be and you both really need to get this into proportion.

the heartbreaking cases are incredibly rare. If you are truly this concerned speak to the mother, ask what the dog breed is and if it has ever attacked or bitten anyone. Explain you are nervous about you child being around a dog - it could be kept in the garden while he visits?

you will also need to start stepping away soon. 13 sounds a bit old for this level of parental involvement - you won’t get away with it for much longer.

The thing is, when your child is a teenager and starts to go to people’s houses where you don’t know them you pretty much just have to trust that they’re aware enough and sensible enough to judge dangers for themselves or leave or contact you if something isn’t ok.

Because a dog isn’t the scariest or most dangerous thing that could be in a friends house tbh.

Depends what sort of dog. Pug - no problem. Pitbull - he wouldn’t be allowed to go.