To be amazed how much women benefit financially from marriage

[Singleparent78]

I've been single most of my adult life, worked FT and built up a good career but despite this... I'm always struck how much better off women who are married are than me.

It's not just about the merging together of two salaries, but about how much easier financial life is when you have the benefit of a man's higher average income, giving many women a lifestyle they could never afford on their own salaries.

Consider:

• the many women I work with on low salaries or working part-time who are living much nicer lifestyles than I as they have a man significantly supplementing them.

• the married women I know at 45+ who have moved to part-time or stopped working as they have accrued significant savings with their dh but, critically, their dh is now a high earner who can pay for both of them.

• the girls from school who didn't go onto further education, got married soon out of school and haven't worked at all or a bit of p-time - they mostly live in nice houses and cars, have enjoyed nice holidays etc. There hasn't been much 'penalty' for not being independent or not having a career.

All in all these women, by way of marriage, seem to have an easier go than solo me slogging it out for 30 years working FT and trying my best to be independent.... like the teachers at school told us girls to be!

I understand: all the constraints on women to generate their own income esp the gender pay gap and the impact of childrearing; that the above scenarios don't apply to all couples; that I'm assuming a heterosexual set up; that women contribute within marriages in other way than bringing in income; and that assets in a marriage are shared as is any income that comes into a marriage. I know people might think I'm being anti-women for challenging women's choices or women's rights or just plain bitter...

Still, AIBU to wonder:.......Is it not depressing that the best or most common way for women to be financially comfortable or create wealth is still through marriage and the merging of assets with a man?

Every single word of this .....

Same here 😂

I was very well off with my ex but the housework and emotional cost - huge. Now I’m relatively poor but happy and I don’t have to clean up after him, I don’t have him like a demo for sucking joy out of everything and quite frankly that’s worth all the tea in China

The biggest advantage of marriage is that if one of you loses your job, you have an option for the other one to go get a better one. I know women that have done this and men that have done this. I'm a single parent, widow, and I know that if I lose my job, or become disabled, or can't work full time or my kids have significant care needs, it is absolutely all down to me and there is no flexibility to juggle two careers and salaries and arrange them in a way that best suits everyone. I know lots of women who work f/t, but more that work p/t or decided to do three days a week or have cut back around the menopause and so on. That option isn't available for single women, it is down to you to provide the lifestyle you want for your family and you alone. Don't even get me started on the unfairness of child benefit cutting off at £50k per person so that a couple can claim it up to 98K odd...£50k is just over the average household income, because two people can bring in £25k each in a marriage, whereas a single person has to be doing pretty well to bring in over £50k.

Well yes I imagine they are... But surely that's more about there being two incomes typically rather than one?

It's swings and roundabouts. You'd probably describe me the same way if you knew me. My husband is self employed and earns very well. I do a bit of part time work to keep myself in employment but I don't necessarily need to. We tend to be able to afford things we want and we're comfortable.

But actually it's not been all roses, my husband works long long long hours. He is barely here. Everything to do with the DC, the house, basically anything outside of work, is left to me and I rarely get 5 minutes to actually be by myself.

It's certainly more comfortable than I'd be if I were single I'm sure but it's not all sunshine and rainbows either where I just skip about going to lunches and shopping on my husband's credit card.

I do agree with a PP also though many women think raising their children themselves rather than outsourcing it is something they voluntarily do because they want to spend more time with the kids.

The point is financially, it's not like many women can gain more money by working more - they're not choosing to go part time because they're living in the lap of luxury - it's because someone needs to look after the kids. So either they do it (and don't work) or they do work and pay so much in childcare that they're probably not making much money by working.

Basically the reason my husband has the capability of earning so well is because I'm in the background doing literally everything else!

FGS @theemperorhasnoclothes I am not 'blind' to this fact and fully 'have a clue'.

I am a single parent to two small dc (from my brief relationship) and work FT paying for wraparound care in the morning and evening to do so.

And you know what? Many schools do offer wraparound care but some women/families choose not to put their children in it and then those women grumble that they can't find term time/school hours jobs!

Another person mentioning the sacrifice of career "to look after children"

People try to pretend this choice doesn't exist 'career OR children'

Choosing children is a privilege in this day and age but deep down no one can deny it's the better of the two choices.

On your deathbed you are never going to say 'I wish I'd spent more time at work and less time with my children'

Your children aren't going to say 'I'm so glad mum was a CEO and I saw her three hours of each weekday'

I don't say this to be facetious. I say it in the hope we will start telling our daughters the truth; that a partnership and a family unit where you work less is viable, frees time up to see your children more, and that's a good thing.

That doesn't mean never have a career or make any money. It means when you have children don't have this perceived notion that MUST carry on and pay others to care for your children, it's actually great to be able to say 'okay I'll concentrate on family now and let my husband earn money for us while I........ lo and behold... raise my children'

Massive generalisation. My husband is low earner and not very ambitious. Fortunately is good father , takes a lot activities with son and do a big chunk of housework. It allows me to train and develop my career.

If I were single my money would have been spent on fantastic travel, clothes and makeup - instead I work to support those around me.

Is this really what you think single women spend all their money on? Clothes and bloody make up? The implication that single women are that shallow and vapid is rather offensive.

I spend my money on my mortgage, paying all my bills, making my house nice, keeping fit and healthy, saving for my retirement and helping to support my nieces and nephews, not clothes and make up 🙄.

It means when you have children don't have this perceived notion that MUST carry on and pay others to care for your children, it's actually great to be able to say 'okay I'll concentrate on family now and let my husband earn money for us while I........ lo and behold... raise my children'

Would you also say the following to men?

It means when you have children don't have this perceived notion that MUST carry on and pay others to care for your children, it's actually great to be able to say 'okay I'll concentrate on family now and let my wife earn money for us while I........ lo and behold... raise my children'

If not, why not?

I’m mid forties, my mother is about 70. I recognise this to some extent in my generation (couples who clubbed together early to get on the housing ladder did much better in housing equity than singletons who tended to buy later). But I recognise it even more in my mum’s age group. In our middle-middle class suburb SAHMs were the norm in the 70s and 80s. My own mum worked two years FT after qualifying, then spent 20 years at joke raising five children, going back to work in her forties and only ever working PT after that. My dad did very well professionally and she hugely benefited from that, but theirs was also a cross-class, cross-ability marriage. It was very normal then for doctors to marry nurses, executives to marry secretaries and so on. In my generation and on it became much more normal to marry someone who was of similar ability and qualifications to yourself.

I earn more than DH (neither of are high earners) so I think most other couples earn more as neither of earn more than 35k, but 2 incomes makes you afford so much more than 1

I’m surprised you know so many women who’ve benefitted financially from marriage, without bringing in much themselves. I certainly know a few, but the most typical married woman that I know earns similarly to her partner or a chunk less, but does far more at home, which is fair in the latter case. I know a few women who earn more also.

Life is always going to be more comfortable on 2 incomes, if you have kids then dramatically so.

I’d suggest broadening your friendship group.

Also - Does your kids’ father pay his fair share?

Of course but I think OP’s point is single mums have to do both; earn well and look after the home front. Naturally it’s better for mums of dads are involved and splitting duties between them.

I recognise this with a lot of women I know. I’m the main earner in our household - my DH has worked the same job for many years.

He hardly ever gets a pay rise, and it all falls to me - I buy the children’s clothes, I paid for all the presents last Christmas (as I do almost every single year) - he barely put his hand in his pocket. He justified this by saying he paid for the food which wasn’t anywhere near how much I had to fork out for everything else (and I had to wrap it all up as well). His boss didn’t increase his pay this year which means he’s effectively had a 9% pay cut with inflation.

He bought me a birthday present recently (I told him not to bother) and I found out today he’s been having to pay for it on Klarner. I feel like all the pressure is on me all the time. And now with the cost of living crisis, yet again it will be me picking up the slack and I’m fed up of it to be honest. I must admit I do feel envious of people in the opposite situation.

In that situation you have each person in the couple enabling each other. Ah, love!

What's that supposed to mean?! I love my dh, he loves me. We 'enable' each other to have a more pleasant, enjoyable and comfortable life in a variety of ways (some emotional, some practical). Not really seeing how that's anything but a good thing...

I don't say this to be facetious. I say it in the hope we will start telling our daughters the truth; that a partnership and a family unit where you work less is viable, frees time up to see your children more, and that's a good thing.

Though this relies on finding a man that isn’t abusive, a man-child or just generally useless. There aren’t many of those around so unless you get lucky you’ll end up trapped in a shitty situation where you do everything and your DH is a useless waster, with very little chance of getting out.

do you genuinely believe that, @HugoTheBoss? And as a single parent does that mean my career is doomed because (a) I don't have someone ironing my shirts or picking up the kids for me and (b) because I have to compete against enabled men like your husband?

So it's more about men earning more than women rather than "women are better off being married" from your original post?

Yes, they do, It will take generations for society to change and bring women up to the same level. Right now women can't do right for doing wrongs. We work full time with a family and it's wrong. We work part time with a family and it's wrong. Stay at home - it's wrong. Until attitudes change women will on average earn less. I don't know what the answer is, personally I would love to be a stay at home mum. And I'm sure there are many more women who are like me, if that's a social problem or a natural instinct I don't know.

But long term I don't think marriage is seen as a career option to earn more money. Relations can break down and then the women in general is worse off than the man. It's a risky option to marry for money.

It’s the same for men, though. They too rely on finding a woman who’s not going to make their life a misery. There aren’t as many of them round as would be ideal either.

You’re amazed at how much society continues to benefit from women doing the roles that have been assigned to them for generations, and at how many women - living within the constraints of those societal expectations arid barriers - end up conforming to generational roles (at least to some degree)?

I agree.

It’s shocking. Shocking, I say.

Men definitely don’t benefit At All from marriage, 2 incomes, women working part time, or taking on the bulk of child-rearing and domestic work. Nope. Not. At. All.

And as a single parent does that mean my career is doomed because (a) I don't have someone ironing my shirts or picking up the kids for me and (b) because I have to compete against enabled men like your husband?

It's certainly going to be more challenging in certain sectors.

Children are a massive financial burden. My entire salary goes on supporting 2 through university. DHs salary is for day to day living.

@puddleduck234 So it's more about men earning more than women rather than "women are better off being married" from your original post? The two aren't mutually exclusive. One of the reasons women are better off married is because men statistically make more than women.