To be amazed how much women benefit financially from marriage

[Singleparent78]

I've been single most of my adult life, worked FT and built up a good career but despite this... I'm always struck how much better off women who are married are than me.

It's not just about the merging together of two salaries, but about how much easier financial life is when you have the benefit of a man's higher average income, giving many women a lifestyle they could never afford on their own salaries.

Consider:

• the many women I work with on low salaries or working part-time who are living much nicer lifestyles than I as they have a man significantly supplementing them.

• the married women I know at 45+ who have moved to part-time or stopped working as they have accrued significant savings with their dh but, critically, their dh is now a high earner who can pay for both of them.

• the girls from school who didn't go onto further education, got married soon out of school and haven't worked at all or a bit of p-time - they mostly live in nice houses and cars, have enjoyed nice holidays etc. There hasn't been much 'penalty' for not being independent or not having a career.

All in all these women, by way of marriage, seem to have an easier go than solo me slogging it out for 30 years working FT and trying my best to be independent.... like the teachers at school told us girls to be!

I understand: all the constraints on women to generate their own income esp the gender pay gap and the impact of childrearing; that the above scenarios don't apply to all couples; that I'm assuming a heterosexual set up; that women contribute within marriages in other way than bringing in income; and that assets in a marriage are shared as is any income that comes into a marriage. I know people might think I'm being anti-women for challenging women's choices or women's rights or just plain bitter...

Still, AIBU to wonder:.......Is it not depressing that the best or most common way for women to be financially comfortable or create wealth is still through marriage and the merging of assets with a man?

I am not married by choice.

i’m a woman but marriage would significantly disadvantage me financially.

I earn far more than my partner does and have far more assets

Is it not more a case that finances and so on work better when you are part of a team of two than on your own? Shared housing, shared utilities, shared chores, maybe only one car needed, shared childcare, ...
Of course, you can argue that the one with the lower earning power has done well out of it, but the one who is doing more of the earning may be doing well out of having a less-stressed partner who can pick up more of the household tasks. It may or may not be the woman who is the lower earner, and indeed that may change over the course of the marriage - it certainly did for us.

men of course do benefit from having a SAHW. In that situation you have each person in the couple enabling each other. Ah, love!

I disagree that the benefit is more or equally weighted towards the woman in the long term. I agree with another poster:

I see it as women sacrificing their maximum earning potential in order to raise children in a family unit, often leaving them financially vulnerable further down the road.

@wellhelloitsme is their evidence that women don't get promoted or is it also down to a lot of women don't want to?
At my work many of the women don't want to go higher than they are due to kids ( many aren't with partners ) they are happy to wait until the kids are older
We have some very high up females in the company and their is no gender paygap as such the salary is what it is , but in general less women apply for the jobs in the first place

Perfectly summed up.

I'm not trying to moan about married women, it's more of an observation that despite what 2nd wave feminism told us being independent is hard work and default marriage is actually probably an easier and more financially secure option.

Yes, that’s what I said, until they are into their thirties.

Much of the difference after that point is accounted for by the women who would be moving into those positions generally being married to men who are also high earners, and choosing to stop work or to go part-time.

The data is interesting, and tells several stories. It’s always a shame when all nuance is ignored and it’s presented as being down solely to sexism by employers.

My brother feels that way about couples who are married too. It's not unique to being a female. He wishes he had someone close to share all the burdens of life with.

Yes, it is. Being married is hard work too, though, and very often involves giving up a lot of freedom by both partners in it.

@Singleparent78 only the right marriage would be of benefit

@PeekAtYou single men can go on buisness trips even easier so I don’t really think that’s a good example.

I had my own house when I got married DH didn't. I was reaching burn out; DH was at the start of what turned into a lucrative career, in part facilitated by me and the comfort I brought to our early years.

I worked my backside off from 20 to 35. Had 7 years off then returned to work part-time for a couple of years, then took professional qualifications. I'm nearly 62 so have worked a further 19 years albeit locally to fit round the DC and yes my earnings took a hit.

Whilst DH's earnings support our life style, the fact of the matter is that if I retire tomorrow, I shall have a very good pension.

I know lots of women who work full-time and undertake the lion's share of the emotional and domestic load whilst being the main bread winner.

@Knittingchamp I know this, but I think it's valuable to have a discussion about what this means for women's choices.

You've picked the wrong place to find agreement, though this and the Relationship Board are littered with women stuck in relationships for the lifestyle.

Or does it kick in around the time women have kids and give up full time work permanently? 🤔

I ofen wonder if a lot of women don't go for high level positions because they know their husband can adequately support them to work part time (which is something men don't usually have the luxury of).

I doubt you'll get far here with this opinion. Most here have a poor outlook on marriage and men.

For me the main advantage is not financial but in sharing my life with my best friend. He's there for me when I need him, listens to my rambles and provides help and support without me needing to ask. I hope he feels the same about me. Financially we probably are better off together but singly we'd still have been OK.

That’s quite sad. When we got married I earned a lot more than my wife, but had no problem entering into a partnership. She’s shot ahead in her career now and caught me up; your partner may well be able to do the same.

I agree. But many women don't like to admit that there are some pretty big female privileges in our society.

Or does it kick in around the time women have kids and give up full time work permanently?

I included that element in the second bit if this paragraph?

The gender pay gap most markedly kicks in around 40, due to women not being promoted to senior management as often as men and women still taking on the majority of childcare, something which facilitates male partners to progress in their careers.

I think you are right because women still lose out re earnings/career progression, if they take time out of the workplace to raise kids. And women are much more likely to do this than men.
But, as has been said, both sexes benefit from the pooling of resources. It's just that it's rare for a man to be a single parent working ft and having to manage all the bills as well as raising kids and much more common for women.

Such thinly veiled misogyny....

It’s just 2 x incomes vs one set of outgoings surely? I have gay friends for whom it’s the same.

Then there is these woman that get shafted by their husbands and earn a low wage as they gave up their career to bring up his children
and rely on benefits

Also because they don't get tossed out the workforce when they have kids, ruining their career, don't get sexually harassed in the workplace, or don't get pushed out through lack of adequate childcare around work.

What tripe

Most women don't get tossed out of the workforce when they have kids - for most it's a choice

Most women don't get sexually harassed - I work in a very male dominated industry

Most women don't get pushed out due to lack of adequate childcare - all in the planning. The amount of posts I see where people don't want to pay out more than earning to sustain a career, who don't sign up to childcare early enough, who don't want to use before and after school clubs or childminders etc

Most STAHP contribute ZERO to their partners career - they'd prefer to think that so that they can use it as leverage in a divorce rather than believe their partner/husband got their career through effort and hard work

I often wonder if a lot of women don't go for high level positions because they know their husband can adequately support them to work part time (which is something men don't usually have the luxury of).

@TruthHertz that's interesting. Anecdotally, most of the married women I know who might be in a position to take on more senior roles (a) don't want the stress of two people in a marriage with high stress jobs and (b) don't need to financially so there isn't the urgency