To be amazed how much women benefit financially from marriage

[Singleparent78]

I've been single most of my adult life, worked FT and built up a good career but despite this... I'm always struck how much better off women who are married are than me.

It's not just about the merging together of two salaries, but about how much easier financial life is when you have the benefit of a man's higher average income, giving many women a lifestyle they could never afford on their own salaries.

Consider:

• the many women I work with on low salaries or working part-time who are living much nicer lifestyles than I as they have a man significantly supplementing them.

• the married women I know at 45+ who have moved to part-time or stopped working as they have accrued significant savings with their dh but, critically, their dh is now a high earner who can pay for both of them.

• the girls from school who didn't go onto further education, got married soon out of school and haven't worked at all or a bit of p-time - they mostly live in nice houses and cars, have enjoyed nice holidays etc. There hasn't been much 'penalty' for not being independent or not having a career.

All in all these women, by way of marriage, seem to have an easier go than solo me slogging it out for 30 years working FT and trying my best to be independent.... like the teachers at school told us girls to be!

I understand: all the constraints on women to generate their own income esp the gender pay gap and the impact of childrearing; that the above scenarios don't apply to all couples; that I'm assuming a heterosexual set up; that women contribute within marriages in other way than bringing in income; and that assets in a marriage are shared as is any income that comes into a marriage. I know people might think I'm being anti-women for challenging women's choices or women's rights or just plain bitter...

Still, AIBU to wonder:.......Is it not depressing that the best or most common way for women to be financially comfortable or create wealth is still through marriage and the merging of assets with a man?

I’m not engaging with this anymore because it’s clear some of you are never going to see my perspective

Shocking, when you've bent over backwards to try to understand other peoples perspectives on here,

Exactly this. Both husband and wife (usually) benefit in financial and non-financial ways. That is why marriage has endured for thousands of years and is the norm in almost all societies.

@ForestFae is clearly coming at this from a place of significant financial privilege, but reading between the lines, I think it's fairly clear that she has opted out of the work/school environment because she would actually find it quite hard to cope with mainstream society. She has chosen to frame this in terms of having rejected the mainstream and made alternative choices, but the reality might well be that she didn't actually have much choice at all. I suspect that probably explains a lot about why she feels such a strong need to advocate for her chosen lifestyle as "better". A little bit of protesting too much?

Or as I am suspecting - @ForestFae is perhaps not entirely a genuine poster.

in my experience of MN - posts on - SAH/WOH, infant feeding, childcare and sleep training - tend to attract a specific type of wind up merchants - who don’t exactly “troll” but who whip up lots of people’s emotional energies and investment.

There are numerous signs of this in spotting in this posters’ style. the best way to deal with these posters is to simply disengage, as the investment of energy is what provides motivation to them.

If you’re trying to say I’m insecure about my position, not in the slightest. There are things I dislike about mainstream society. Can I do them? Yes. Would I enjoy them? No. I don’t particularly find it difficult to deal with, I just find it boring, tiresome and dull. So I structured my life in a way that I enjoy and that benefits me and my family. What exactly is the issue with that?

It’s also getting a little annoying that I’ve made it clear several times I have no interest in discussing this further yet people still feel the need to cast aspersions and make assumptions about my life - incorrect ones, I might add.

The onus is on you to replying if you want to opt out of the conversation 🤷🏻‍♀️

You're under no obligation to respond. Just ignore them.

It’s incredibly rude for a group of people to continue talking about someone and making assumptions and guesses about their life - if you want to look like a bunch of playground bullies or mean girls, keep at it I guess. Whatever helps you sleep at night,

@ForestFae

You've repeatedly said rude, judgemental and at times nasty things from a position of privilege with a lack of empathy.

You've refused to acknowledge your comments were any of the above things even when people have patiently pointed out why they are those things.

You refused to apologise for offending people by implying they were selfish to become parents and continue working and that you see them having children as pointless.

You refused to accept it might be a 'you' issue if so many people had the same reaction.

If you hadn't done those things, people wouldn't be discussing your comments.

I hope you teach your children to take accountability when home educating them.

“You upset me, unintentionally, by making generalised comments to no one in particular so now I’m going to be deliberately spiteful towards you by making comments about you specifically as a person”

sounds very reasonable, that.

@ForestFae , you can't really complain about others being "rude" when so many people have found your own posts rude and you have just kept repeating the same thing.

Your response to the feedback that people found your posts rude and offensive was that you didn't think you had been rude, and that it was other people choosing to interpret your posts in that way. So I will push that right back at you, and say that other people don't think they are being rude either, they are just trying to make sense of why you might post on this thread in the way that you have done, because it falls so clearly outside the bounds of what would normally be considered socially acceptable. And if you choose to interpret their comments as rude...well, by your own standards, that's your problem.

I am genuinely glad that you have found a lifestyle that works for you and your family, and I understand why you have made the choices that you have made. However, from the lack of basic social awareness that you have displayed on this thread, I am far from convinced that you would be able to function as effectively in mainstream society as you seem to think. If @Beaucoup is right, you're more socially aware than you let on, and you're actually just trolling, then maybe I am wrong, but I'm actually giving you the benefit of the doubt here.

And yes, I do believe that there is an element of insecurity that's driving your posts on this thread. You have found a way of life that is best for you and your family, but instead of just being content with that, you seem compelled to try and argue that that same way of life would be best for all families, if only people were able to see it.

Nobody is being spiteful, they're just trying to make sense of your unusual behaviour.

@ForestFae

I’m going to be deliberately spiteful towards you by making comments about you specifically as a person

I've said you're speaking from a place of privilege (you said this yourself), that multiple people felt your comments were offensive (clear on the thread), that you repeatedly said you didn't think they were offensive so refused to take that on board or apologise (clear on the thread).

How on earth is that spiteful?

It's not 'spiteful' to recap your behaviour that is available to read in black and white on the thread...

It is spiteful to tell women with children that you think them having children was "pointless".

Your empathy is non existent, your manners are appalling and you think people are defensive about their life choices, when nobody has been anywhere near as rude as you and in fact they've repeatedly patiently explained their reasoning to be met by your rudeness again.

And you can't claim to have upset people "unintentionally" because you persisted in repeating the same comments over and over even after people told you that they found them offensive. Ignorance or a lack of awareness might be a defence on the first occasion, but once you have been told that others are finding your behaviour upsetting, you have a choice as to what to do with that information. You can no longer claim that it's unintentional at that point.

Lol I find it quite funny you seem to think I’m unable to mask should I wish to. I’m perfectly capable of it, I’ve done so in the past. The difference is I don’t think I should have to. I don’t think I should have to conform to social norms that I think are stupid and pointless. Obviously I could do it, but why would I, if I don’t enjoy it? That brings me zero benefit.

Theres no insecurity on my part. I’m genuinely grateful for the life I have and both me and my husband often talk about how lucky we are that we have the set up we do. We see failed relationships and empty existences around us and are thankful ours is not one. There’s a distaste for what I believe is a materialist society, but that’s about it.

I disagree with that. Knowing someone will find it offensive doesn’t mean my intent is to offend.

OK, so if it isn't a lack of ability to mask specific communication difficulties, we can only go back to the conclusion that you're being deliberately provocative and offensive.

I stand corrected.

I don’t think people should be offended by a general comment on a thread not about them in particular. I’m not going to target anyone or be deliberately nasty, but I’m not going to not share my opinion out of fear it will offend someone either. Don’t like it, don’t read it.

@ForestFae

I’m not going to not share my opinion out of fear it will offend someone either. Don’t like it, don’t read it.

The irony of you saying this when you said you wouldn't leave the thread if people were discussing your comments...

If you don't like it, don't read it.

Take your own advice!

The difference being you lot are making offensive assumptions about my life in particular, I never did that to anyone on this thread. I made general comments about societal norms. I don’t particularly care if you don’t like my set up or want to imagine I can’t talk to people if that makes you feel better, but it’s pretty funny you accuse me of being rude and think you have some sort of moral high ground when you’re engaging in that behaviour.

What 'offensive assumption' have I made about you personally @ForestFae?

I've repeated what you have said on the thread.

I've not 'assumed' anything.

It doesn't matter whether you think they should be offended. They are offended, you know that, and you choose to keep on offending them. That is definitely "intentional" behaviour.

You have clarified that, despite being neurodivergent, you have absolutely difficulty in behaving in a socially acceptable way if you want to, but you choose not to because you don't think you should have to. You are obviously free (within the boundaries of the law) to be as rude and offensive to others as you like, and there is absolutely no compulsion on you to care about the people that you might upset along the way. Equally, I am free to conclude that such behaviour makes you a truly nasty and unkind person without any real moral compass.

Bye bye @ForestFae - I hope you can learn accountability and empathy to teach them to your children.

It doesn't matter whether you think they should be offended. They are offended, you know that, and you choose to keep on offending them. That is definitely "intentional" behaviour.

This.

I don't know how anyone can say otherwise with a straight face!