To be amazed how much women benefit financially from marriage

[Singleparent78]

I've been single most of my adult life, worked FT and built up a good career but despite this... I'm always struck how much better off women who are married are than me.

It's not just about the merging together of two salaries, but about how much easier financial life is when you have the benefit of a man's higher average income, giving many women a lifestyle they could never afford on their own salaries.

Consider:

• the many women I work with on low salaries or working part-time who are living much nicer lifestyles than I as they have a man significantly supplementing them.

• the married women I know at 45+ who have moved to part-time or stopped working as they have accrued significant savings with their dh but, critically, their dh is now a high earner who can pay for both of them.

• the girls from school who didn't go onto further education, got married soon out of school and haven't worked at all or a bit of p-time - they mostly live in nice houses and cars, have enjoyed nice holidays etc. There hasn't been much 'penalty' for not being independent or not having a career.

All in all these women, by way of marriage, seem to have an easier go than solo me slogging it out for 30 years working FT and trying my best to be independent.... like the teachers at school told us girls to be!

I understand: all the constraints on women to generate their own income esp the gender pay gap and the impact of childrearing; that the above scenarios don't apply to all couples; that I'm assuming a heterosexual set up; that women contribute within marriages in other way than bringing in income; and that assets in a marriage are shared as is any income that comes into a marriage. I know people might think I'm being anti-women for challenging women's choices or women's rights or just plain bitter...

Still, AIBU to wonder:.......Is it not depressing that the best or most common way for women to be financially comfortable or create wealth is still through marriage and the merging of assets with a man?

My husband and I earn very similar wages so we haven’t merged finances completely. Our household bills come out of a joint account we both contribute to. This means I haven’t benefited financially from being married at all. In fact, it’s actually cost me money. Sure, I have a nicer house than I could afford alone but the wedding itself cost me more money (dress, hair, nails, make up, accessories, more expensive ring etc), He didn’t help me financially while I was on maternity leave (apart from paying for more takeaways), I’ve lost out on 2 years careers progression because of pregnancy and maternity leave, I missed out on €50 because a check was made out to my married name and I hadn’t updated the bank yet, and I will have to pay more money to update the name on my passport.

Saying that, I would hate to be financially dependent on someone. I want to earn my own money so I don’t have to answer to anyone else.

This is a very reductionist view to take. Even a cursory glance at the relationships board should rid anyone of the notion that married women have it cushy.
As a general rule women hitching their basic survival on being married are living so precariously it makes me genuinely anxious for some of them.

Well yea, 2 people brining in income and splitting bills will be better off than someone doing it alone. What's your point? It works both ways. Men are also better off for doing the same thing.

Yeah it's hardly a shocker that 2 wages are better than 1 in terms of running a household etc. Don't think we need Einstein to solve this one.

Most women don't get sexually harassed - I work in a very male dominated industry

It's good you haven't been sexually harassed obviously. You're in the minority though, by a long way.

More than four-fifths of young women in the UK have been subjected to sexual harassment, according to a survey for UN Women UK, which warns that most women have lost faith that the abuse will be dealt with.
Among women aged 18-24, 86% said they had been sexually harassed in public spaces, while just 3% did not recall ever having experienced sexually harassing behaviour. The remaining 11% chose not to answer the question.

According to the survey, published in a report by the all-party parliamentary group (APPG) for UN Women, 71% of women of any age said they had experienced sexual harassment in public spaces.

The survey of more than 1,000 women, carried out by YouGov and seen exclusively by the Guardian, exposes a damning lack of faith in the UK authorities’ desire and ability to deal with sexual harassment – 96% of respondents did not report incidents, with 45% saying it would not change anything.

And if you mean at work specifically, again it's great it's never happened to you but it has to 52% of women according to a recent study. Which I think you'd agree is a really depressing and worrying statistic that shows an issue that needs to be tackled:

Bates pointed to TUC/Everyday Sexism research that found 52% of women had experienced sexual harassment at work, and of the one in five who had reported it, three-quarters said nothing had changed, while 16% said they were treated worse as a result.

Sorry meant to include a link:

amp.theguardian.com/world/2021/mar/10/almost-all-young-women-in-the-uk-have-been-sexually-harassed-survey-finds

Without reading the comments, I’m just going to go right ahead and state what I’m fairly certain is common sense.

Mathematically speaking, the merging of two salaries more often than not, unless the single woman is an open-heart surgeon or something, is always going result in a higher income than the single woman regardless of what jobs the couples have.

Or am I missing something here?

But @puddleduck234 it's not always two people bringing in an income and wasn't traditionally. It's about the fact that men make more than women, are more likely to be in senior roles and that becomes beneficial for some women.

I mean two people with salaries will generally add up to more than one person's salary...

Why is the career the sacrifice?

You say you sacrifice the career to raise the children. Why don't you consider not raising your children a sacrifice?

OP I think it probably depends on the local demographic. I work with a lot of other women who obviously also work (and have kids). My overall boss earns more than her husband and I think my immediate boss does too (though she does not have kids).

BUT when my ds was small, I was the only mother at his school I knew who earned more than her husband and worked full-time. Everyone else worked part-time or not at all (and generally lived in a bigger house than I do). I hope this has changed in the last 15 or so years.

You say you sacrifice the career to raise the children. Why don't you consider not raising your children a sacrifice

Since when has working to keep a roof over your head meant that you were not raising your children? Would you say that a working father isn't raising his children?

Some men make more than some women. Women out-earn men, on average, into their thirties (the ONS data is not granular enough to say where exactly the crossover happens.)

A large proportion of the difference after that age is down to the cohort effect of which women choose to leave the full-time workforce. These women are nearly all married, so cannot be used to evidence your claim of single women earning less. You need the data for single women if you want to make the claim.

Yes. You're missing the fact it isn't really two salaries she is referring to. She's referring to women who take advantage of the position to have an easier life not working as hard, secure that they don't have to.

Women in this position can earn tiny amounts and still enjoy holidays, stress-free time with their children, and nice things, and a nice home.

It does mean you have to live with a man though 😂

I'm kidding. I would still be with my DH if he was unemployed. (Have been, in fact, though EXTREMELY lean periods in the past.)

I don't consider women with pre-school age children as being subsidised by their husbands as I think caring for them is a full-time contribution. (That's not to ignore the hard work of single and working mothers, but I refuse to discount the work SAHMS do either.)

But I agree with you to an extent. My lifestyle is super different from what it would be if I was single. I never thought I would have this much money. Which would be laughable to some posters if I told you how much it was...but I was always so poor before.

I don't see it as female privilege. I see it as some women benefitting from their male partner's privilege.

In my case I know I am just as smart as my husband, and more educationally qualified. But I know for a fact that I don't have his confidence - that I would never have been able to progress in the workplace as quickly as he has. He just impresses people. And yes, I do think male privilege is part of that (though obviously not all, as evidenced by the many successful women in his job!)

At times I have supported him, and for a long time when he was the breadwinner he was earning very little and we were dirt poor. But I just can't think of a way I could earn what he does now. So in my case OP you're right.

the girls from school who didn't go onto further education, got married soon out of school and haven't worked at all or a bit of p-time - they mostly live in nice houses and cars, have enjoyed nice holidays etc. There hasn't been much 'penalty' for not being independent or not having a career

Until they get divorced and then they're fucked. Which I would be.
I would still leave if I wanted to. But I'm under no illusion how hard it would be.

This was my experience at ds' school. Most of the other mums had married for earning potential. It didn't even occur to me when I met DH!

She's referring to women who take advantage of the position to have an easier life not working as hard, secure that they don't have to

Or they work FUCKING hard but still earn less than their husbands, which is actually extremely common. Like nurses and teachers for instance.

I have worked my whole adult life nursing F/T , looking after my family/Dh/Home & now my elderly parents , no way did l get it easy by marrying. I worked damn hard for it .

We are stereotypical in that my hubbie earns more (but still not much) and I couldn't afford a house on my own... Yet I do more of the 'life admin' shopping, planning all the holidays, generally keeping things ticking along, contesting renewal prices with companies, dog walking, buying birthday cards... Not so much housework and cleaning though! Again stereotypically 'woman' stuff, but it certainly enriches DH's life in a less quantifiable but equally vital way

That is what the person wrote; "sacrifice their career to raise children"

@Tangled123 your post makes you sound very unhappy. I can barely remember my maternity leave but the baby was only 4.5 months when I went back to work - in those days mat leave was 6 months.

You chose to take the full 52 weeks twice so you can't really complain about promotion prospects. The positive is that you had two years with your presumably wonderful children. Single women have neither that privilege nor joy.

Whilst I recall buying my wedding dress, DH bought the ring and paid for the honeymoon - rather more than my wedding frock. If you got a cheque for £50 in your single name why didn't you just send it back with a copy of the marriage certificate and ask for it to be redrawn?

Ah okay, my mistake. I thought she was solely referring to the two salaries, hence why I thought she was speaking from a monetary standpoint. Thank you for elaborating for me 😅 Will make sure I read the room first next time!

You are right. Most people don’t want to hear this though.

Huge generalisation OP but yes there are more women than men who have a good standard of living thanks to being married to a man who earns well. However there are men who are better off thanks to their wives' earning ability.

I've always been the higher earner so in our case the tables are very much turned.

The reason women work part-time is not because they have loads of cash it's because the cost of and difficulty arranging childcare outside of school hours means that many are trapped into only working school hours.

SOMEONE has to look after those children, often it is the woman who sacrifices her career.

The fact that you are blind to this well researched fact and think that women are voluntarily going part-time for a nice life shows you do not have a clue OP.