To be amazed how much women benefit financially from marriage

[Singleparent78]

I've been single most of my adult life, worked FT and built up a good career but despite this... I'm always struck how much better off women who are married are than me.

It's not just about the merging together of two salaries, but about how much easier financial life is when you have the benefit of a man's higher average income, giving many women a lifestyle they could never afford on their own salaries.

Consider:

• the many women I work with on low salaries or working part-time who are living much nicer lifestyles than I as they have a man significantly supplementing them.

• the married women I know at 45+ who have moved to part-time or stopped working as they have accrued significant savings with their dh but, critically, their dh is now a high earner who can pay for both of them.

• the girls from school who didn't go onto further education, got married soon out of school and haven't worked at all or a bit of p-time - they mostly live in nice houses and cars, have enjoyed nice holidays etc. There hasn't been much 'penalty' for not being independent or not having a career.

All in all these women, by way of marriage, seem to have an easier go than solo me slogging it out for 30 years working FT and trying my best to be independent.... like the teachers at school told us girls to be!

I understand: all the constraints on women to generate their own income esp the gender pay gap and the impact of childrearing; that the above scenarios don't apply to all couples; that I'm assuming a heterosexual set up; that women contribute within marriages in other way than bringing in income; and that assets in a marriage are shared as is any income that comes into a marriage. I know people might think I'm being anti-women for challenging women's choices or women's rights or just plain bitter...

Still, AIBU to wonder:.......Is it not depressing that the best or most common way for women to be financially comfortable or create wealth is still through marriage and the merging of assets with a man?

Statistically any 2 people who live together prob have more wealth be that man & women or / 2 men etc.
2 salaries will also be better than one in most cases
I know rich single people and poorer single people , married couples who do well and those who struggle
There are more heterosexual couples though

Obviously pooling 2 incomes and sharing costs of living by 2, like mortgage and rent, is beneficial

I live in a house that I'd never have been able to afford without my husband's salary, but equally, he lives in a house that he wouldn't be able to afford without me, despite the fact that I don't work at present.

I'm married.

I went part time after early retirement from the civil service and local authority (also "slogging it out for 30 years working FT" ) My salary + pensions comes to slightly less than my husband's full time salary (tens of pounds pm). Though I brought the house into our relationship and have had a couple of minor inheritances and a pension lump sum. Hubby Brought in savings.

Neither of us care. Most of our friends are in a similar position to us. Both professional level civil service etc.

Depends on your demographic.

This would be the same whether you were talking about women in heterosexual or same sex marriages because, as you stated, two incomes obviously make things easier than one.

Married couples who are both working with often be better off than single men too. It's basic maths.

@girlmom21 It's not just about two incomes coming together, it's about men's income being higher overall

Well yes.
Two people who come together to form a family can be better off financially than a single person in many ways.

You see it as women gaining from men's labour and living on easy street.

I see it as women sacrificing their maximum earning potential in order to raise children in a family unit, often leaving them financially vulnerable further down the road.

Statistically though, men benefit most from marriage and women lose out due to it though (obviously it's a lot more complicated in practice).

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/women-happier-without-children-or-a-spouse-happiness-expert

Yes, the sexism that is the pay inequality is something that we should all be angry about.

Yes, it is amazing that even now, in 2022, so many millions of women earn less than men.
🙄

“It's not just about the merging together of two salaries”

except that this is a significant factor. I’m a reasonably high earner. My partner does earn more than me but not by a huge amount (I earn 90% of what he does). I’m much more financially comfortable now that I’m in a 2 income household….. but so is he!

As it happens, I also work very hard (full time) and continue to do so even with small children.

@girlmom21 It's not just about two incomes coming together, it's about men's income being higher overall

But we all know the pay gap exists. I'm not sure why that's an excuse to moan about married women.

I think this is the crux of the anti-feminist position, and the idea that feminism "lied" to us.

It's not that cut and dried of course. Women should not be property, and should have options outside of the family unit.

But I think the opposite position of it being less than to be part of a family and the part that doesn't work for the main income, that's the lie, that's the harmful bit. Couple that with the growing 'I can't bring children into this world' bit and women are often left exhausted and alone at 50 wondering what went wrong.

If we allow our daughters to know that there is an option to work less and be a wife and mother then we are giving them all the options.

I'm not alone in not wanting to be in a workplace slogging, not seeing my children for the majority of every day and being tired when I do.

We need the best of both worlds; do good work and make some money, but ceasing making lots of money to concentrate on family is a good use of time, not a failure.

My friend’s career prospects were completely fucked by her DH’s career. She finished her training when he was already earning and the travel required for his job meant she’s never been able to properly get started. They’re now divorcing and he’s very much “it’s my money, I earned it”. He’s a complete shit.

@Singleparent78 but mens income is generally higher due to jobs they go down , less women go down that route although it is changing.
In my company its more men in the senior roles, nothing stopping women going for them but less do. The salary is the salary wether a man or women is in he job

How much generalising have you done there?
I am long term married but built my own savings. My money isn't pooled with DH. I pay for the bills/insurance and shopping (we don't have a mortgage any more). His money is his own. I am the higher earner.
How do you know how much savings/support from husbands other women have?
Our friends don't know how our finances are arranged

I agree OP

I despair actually at the self entitlement of my fellow women.

You only have to read the thread in relationships At the moment - married less than 5 years - older child with another man - no children together and she is going after half the house he owned before they married

And women wonder why men don't want to get married these days

We got married so my DH would save thousands in tax, he's self employed, we're in Germany so things may be different here.

@CheshireChat - The Guardian piece wasn't linking right, here it is:

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/women-happier-without-children-or-a-spouse-happiness-expert

You're right. It's mutually beneficial and hugely beneficial to the children as well.

Precisely.
Case closed.

You are also getting your data wrong, women out-earn mean until they are in their thirties.

Only for approx 15 or so years of their working life and until the time people are most likely to start moving into higher paid positions.

The gender pay gap most markedly kicks in around 40, due to women not being promoted to senior management as often as men and women still taking on the majority of childcare, something which facilitates male partners to progress in their careers.

From the ONS, graph attached.

However, for age groups 40 years and older, the gender pay gap for full-time employees is much higher, at approximately 12%. Our 2019 analysiss_ explored the types of occupation that men and women work in, by age group. In particular, it flagged a lower incidence of women moving into higher-paid managerial occupations after the age of 39 years, at which point pay in these occupations increases.

Jesus OP! Husbands don't subsidise their wives.

Firstly marriage is a partnership and often men earn far more because our society is still horrifically sexist and we all know men way out earn women in a majority of cases because of this. Also because they don't get tossed out the workforce when they have kids, ruining their career, don't get sexually harassed in the workplace, or don't get pushed out through lack of adequate childcare around work. In the bulk of these scenarios when kids come along, often for all the reasons above, women end up being primary caregivers and the mans career keeps flying. Then he is the high earner and in your eyes the woman becomes a kept woman living off her bloke. And the bloke often then buys into that horribly misogynistic, unfair trope and treats his W like crap, she feels trapped and women at work tell him wow, well done you for supporting her when she can just work PT, faff about getting beauty treatments and oohh being so unindependent, not like me-I can look after myself!

I literally can't believe I'd have to type this out to help another woman understand this!!

And btw, none of us are little girls anymore, so we should not be mentioning what our teachers told us we should be doing at school as a rationale for anything!

Yep. Some of that applies to me.

Of course DH benefits too. 4 years off work to do a degree, a year off work waiting for carpal tunnel surgery and recovery time. Options to change jobs, retrain, without having to flat out panic, another salary coming in to cover costs, bills, etc, second person to pick up some of the housework etc etc etc.

Even without kids it's a 2way street.

I’m not sure what your point is - obviously having 2 household incomes or someone to share childcare with makes things easier. Since most people are straight, most women will have husbands.

we are a same sex couple. DW works part time in a low paid job. Perhaps from the outside you might think she “benefits” from my salary - has a more expensive lifestyle than she could afford on her salary. The point is, if she wasn’t raising the kids and running the household she would be able to go out and earn more like I do. She’s sacrificed her career to be a SAHM when our kids were younger, and now so that I can be fully flexible in my job. She’s fully contributing to our household income.

And married men have more wealth than single men.

If you are upset about your wealth and / or earnings and want to stay single then you’ll need to find a way to increase your earnings.

I made a complete change of career in my twenties as I realised I was never going to be happy on a civil service wage, so I went back to university, did a doctorate, and started again in banking.

Even we’re I single this would let me have a pretty decent life, but I married a woman who’s also a senior banker, and doubling the income has clearly helped.